Hitting me particularly the last couple of days

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm really low today... i broke up with my unexBPD girlfriend about 6 months ago and have been NC for 6 weeks. She has blocked me on social media and ive been really good at not searching for her but i cracked yesterday and managed to find some new pics and videos of her at various events (after some serious stalking)  and that just made things worse.
What i don't understand is why i miss her so much. She was and probably still is incredibly hard to be around and in a relationship with. I am making a list of all the times her behaviour crossed a line and i'm at over 120 times in two years. Yet i still miss her like crazy at times. BPD partners are like a drug. You get a hit thats short term and then can feel like crap for days yet you keep going back.
I guess i just wish that she didn't have BPD because without it she really would be perfect but this is the real world... She does have it and she isn't perfect. There isn't really much of a point to this post. I am just struggling today and really low. I miss the charismatic drama bomb that was in my life. I meet new people but the excitement isn't there.
My counsellor says that i need to value myself more and that the way i allowed myself to be treated isn't right and i know she is correct and that i have to move on. Even if my ex said right now lets give it another go i know it wouldn't be right as it would quickly return to the horrific ways of old but it doesn't stop me missing her.

Sorry for the diatribe just venting on here rather than at my flatmates and friends who i think have heard enough for one lifetime... .

[toughday]

I'm really low today... i broke up with my unexBPD girlfriend about 6 months ago and have been NC for 6 weeks. She has blocked me on social media and ive been really good at not searching for her but i cracked yesterday and managed to find some new pics and videos of her at various events (after some serious stalking)  and that just made things worse.
What i don't understand is why i miss her so much. She was and probably still is incredibly hard to be around and in a relationship with. I am making a list of all the times her behaviour crossed a line and i'm at over 120 times in two years. Yet i still miss her like crazy at times. BPD partners are like a drug. You get a hit thats short term and then can feel like crap for days yet you keep going back.
I guess i just wish that she didn't have BPD because without it she really would be perfect but this is the real world... She does have it and she isn't perfect. There isn't really much of a point to this post. I am just struggling today and really low. I miss the charismatic drama bomb that was in my life. I meet new people but the excitement isn't there.
My counsellor says that i need to value myself more and that the way i allowed myself to be treated isn't right and i know she is correct and that i have to move on. Even if my ex said right now lets give it another go i know it wouldn't be right as it would quickly return to the horrific ways of old but it doesn't stop me missing her.

Sorry for the diatribe just venting on here rather than at my flatmates and friends who i think have heard enough for one lifetime... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi toughday,

Breakups are rough!  It’s good that you are seeing a therapist and working on yourself.  Many members are struggling with missing their exes.  Normal life can seem ho hum after living with drama.

Has the therapist given suggestions about how to love yourself more?  What are you doing for self care?  Exercise really helps me feel better mentally and physically.

You are welcome to vent here.  Maybe you could look at posts of other members and leave a few comments.  We are a community.  You are not alone.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[toughday]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, it means a lot.

Break ups are tough but this one is another level. I think the only way i can truly detach is to work on me and try and improve myself rather than focus on her behaviour and condition.

I think its the complete lack of logic to it all that i am struggling with the most. My brain keeps trying to make sense out of what happened. But there is none. When we went no contact she was screaming at me telling me all the reasons i wasn't good enough and how i had treated her badly (i went for a coffee with a female flatmate and she saw and this was unacceptable behaviour ) and that i should never contact her ever again. Then i bump into her a month later randomly at a farmers market and she is friendly, pleasant and we chat for 20 minutes and she is really apologetic that she hasn't doesnt few admin bits that we needed to sort and just lovely and humble. It doesn't make sense to me but then it shouldnt i suppose.

I do positive affirmations which really help and i am about to start exercising again which i am really looking forwards to. I know i am in a better place now than 6 months ago and that this is just a tough day or two and i will continue to improve. It just when you are in the middle of a tough run its sometimes hard to see how far you have come.

i am off to the gym i think to start my new exercise regime.

thanks again

this site is a real godsend.

[Mutt]

Hi toughday,



You’ve been no contact for 6 weeks and you peeked at some pictures and videos there’s a good chance that you’re thinking about all of the positive aspects of your expwBPD and none to very little of the negative aspects. That’s normal at the start of NC keep keep writing about it it helps.

I completely understand how it doesn’t make sense but there is a fundamental logic to BPD I’d suggest to learn abiut it it will help you with depersonalize the behaviours and it will help you with healing.

A pwBPD feel inherently bad about themselves, self loath, self hate and will wear a mask wearing a mask is not synonymous with BPD Nina display a different persona to the outside world than what they display to people that are very close to them.

That could be a reason why she acted the way that she did at the farmers market. It could be also be emotional amnesia, a pwBPD can’t retain a whole coherent sense of a loved one, in past and present context they remember a loved one by their last interaction with them.

Lastly it could be that you’re split white, a pwBPD don’t see people as an integrated whole a band person has good qualities and a good person has bad qualities, I know that it can be really confusing when you’re last interaction with a pwBPD is met with vitriol and the next time they put you on a pedestal, you haven’t gotten over what they did you to you the last two me.

[toughday]

Hi toughday,


I completely understand how it doesn’t make sense but there is a fundamental logic to BPD I’d suggest to learn abiut it it will help you with depersonalize the behaviours and it will help you with healing.

A pwBPD feel inherently bad about themselves, self loath, self hate and will wear a mask wearing a mask is not synonymous with BPD Nina display a different persona to the outside world than what they display to people that are very close to them.

That could be a reason why she acted the way that she did at the farmers market. It could be also be emotional amnesia, a pwBPD can’t retain a whole coherent sense of a loved one, in past and present context they remember a loved one by their last interaction with them.

Lastly it could be that you’re split white, a pwBPD don’t see people as an integrated whole a band person has good qualities and a good person has bad qualities, I know that it can be really confusing when you’re last interaction with a pwBPD is met with vitriol and the next time they put you on a pedestal, you haven’t gotten over what they did you to you the last two me.

Thanks this is really helpful, I think if she remembered me by our last interaction it would have been negative when we met as she absolutely hated me the last time we spoke although i just remembered i did send an email to explain the coffee with the flatmate. By this point i was aware of the BPD so i was trying to navigate her emotions rather than just react and i wanted to leave her with some positivity and love. I wrote that no matter what happens between us in the future i consider her to be the love of my life and even in the worst of times if she needed help or support i would be there for her unconditionally. That may have had an influence on her behaviour and i was possibly split white because if it. Regardless i can be fairly sure she wont get in touch again as its not her way.

Thanks for the explanation it does help to understand her behaviour and that there is some logic behind her actions.