Do people want want they can't have? And the reasons for how they leave.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been about 7 months since I have seen her, and the pain is gone. It was easy to reject her recycle attempts.  And life has been back on track.

I had a previous  7 year marriage that ended in divorce. Reasons for that not working were much different. And the end was much different. Even while going through divorce we lived together.  And since we share a child, we are both reachable 24/7 and reply to each other within minutes. That break up , interestingly, did not hurt nearly as bad. It was a natural progression.

Could it be that BPD types hurt us so bad because of either the way they leave, or simply because we never "had them?" In the first place?

I think if we are very honest with ourselves, if the BPD was not the impulsive type that just disappears or cheats, most of us would have left them on our own, sooner or later, with little or no pain in loved on our end. We would grow sick of the drama.  The problems. Their addictions etc. the emptiness.

But when THEY simply vanish a day after professing love, or if you find out they have a new SO immediately, for whatever reason, that causes immense pain. It also keeps many of us "trapped" emotionally as things never ended how you would expect most relationships to end. In a more gradual, less dramatic manner.

I was able to talk  to my BPD's ex wife's ex husband. And after many years he is STILL in a way attached because of the fact that she just got into a car and drove cross country while he was at work.  Changed her number. That's how she left him. During there marriage she was always having affairs on him as well, and he told me that's also how she left affair partners.  Move in, profess love, then vanish.  Which made these men flip out, stalk her, try to find her, keep  contacting her etc.

I would also say that my BPD ex is fairly bright.  And she KNOWS, through experience,  this inflicts the ultimate amount of pain. And she KNOWS this also keeps men attached.

In a way it is sort of the ultimate defense mechanism for them against the pain of abandonment. Meet someone new, and leave in the most callous way possible. It's almost a win win for them. They weren't abandoned and the ex is just thrown into a state of despair missing them.

What made me heal , ultimately, was her trying to recycle again. In a strange way, it lifted the pain. I feel bad for those who never even hear from their BPD ex again as that must be very tough to get over.

It's almost like a loved one dying of cancer. It hurts initially.  A shock.  But you can still talk to them. And sooner or later you understand and accept it is best for them to be at peace.  As opposed to a loved one dying instantly in a car crash.

For me, and I think others, it isn't losing the BPD, but in a way the way they end it that causes the maximum amount of pain. In my case atleast, I know she did these things on purpose. To protect herself and to keep the possibility of return open. She would even plan the night before her vanishing to be the best.  Lovebombing, lots of sex, great dinner etc.

Because if the relationship dragged out a long and slow mutual death, we would truly see, at the time, we don't want them.  And wouldn't in the future either.

[Husband321]

It's been about 7 months since I have seen her, and the pain is gone. It was easy to reject her recycle attempts.  And life has been back on track.

I had a previous  7 year marriage that ended in divorce. Reasons for that not working were much different. And the end was much different. Even while going through divorce we lived together.  And since we share a child, we are both reachable 24/7 and reply to each other within minutes. That break up , interestingly, did not hurt nearly as bad. It was a natural progression.

Could it be that BPD types hurt us so bad because of either the way they leave, or simply because we never "had them?" In the first place?

I think if we are very honest with ourselves, if the BPD was not the impulsive type that just disappears or cheats, most of us would have left them on our own, sooner or later, with little or no pain in loved on our end. We would grow sick of the drama.  The problems. Their addictions etc. the emptiness.

But when THEY simply vanish a day after professing love, or if you find out they have a new SO immediately, for whatever reason, that causes immense pain. It also keeps many of us "trapped" emotionally as things never ended how you would expect most relationships to end. In a more gradual, less dramatic manner.

I was able to talk  to my BPD's ex wife's ex husband. And after many years he is STILL in a way attached because of the fact that she just got into a car and drove cross country while he was at work.  Changed her number. That's how she left him. During there marriage she was always having affairs on him as well, and he told me that's also how she left affair partners.  Move in, profess love, then vanish.  Which made these men flip out, stalk her, try to find her, keep  contacting her etc.

I would also say that my BPD ex is fairly bright.  And she KNOWS, through experience,  this inflicts the ultimate amount of pain. And she KNOWS this also keeps men attached.

In a way it is sort of the ultimate defense mechanism for them against the pain of abandonment. Meet someone new, and leave in the most callous way possible. It's almost a win win for them. They weren't abandoned and the ex is just thrown into a state of despair missing them.

What made me heal , ultimately, was her trying to recycle again. In a strange way, it lifted the pain. I feel bad for those who never even hear from their BPD ex again as that must be very tough to get over.

It's almost like a loved one dying of cancer. It hurts initially.  A shock.  But you can still talk to them. And sooner or later you understand and accept it is best for them to be at peace.  As opposed to a loved one dying instantly in a car crash.

For me, and I think others, it isn't losing the BPD, but in a way the way they end it that causes the maximum amount of pain. In my case atleast, I know she did these things on purpose. To protect herself and to keep the possibility of return open. She would even plan the night before her vanishing to be the best.  Lovebombing, lots of sex, great dinner etc.

Because if the relationship dragged out a long and slow mutual death, we would truly see, at the time, we don't want them.  And wouldn't in the future either.

[pearlsw]

Hi Husband321,

It was interesting to read your thoughts here! Thanks for sharing. I'm curious to see how others react, and I can only speak for myself here... .

Having lost someone to cancer (over a slow period of time), and someone to a sudden death (birth control pills) I can say that it's all painful.

I have had slow breakups and sudden ones. It's similar to your analogy. Watching something die slowly or the sudden shock of someone disappearing who just told you they'd be there forever.

Personally, I've come to feel that ranking pain doesn't do much more than sort it into categories. I guess it's like cleaning a closet! It's helpful, and it's good to have some organization if your mind needs it to go forward! Sounds like yours does!

Ultimately, you gotta go through the steps of a loss, no matter what brought it on. And ya can't rush it. And you can't bury it. It's just gonna be there. It becomes part of your story. Like anything in life what matters is the meaning you give to it. I chose to look back on my ex's in the most positive way I can, that is just naturally how I personally feel through. I understand others work their emotions in different ways, so I am not judging.

But for me, I am so grateful for all those I've met and loved, even if I lost them, no matter how I lost them. Wow. What an adventure my life has been. Each of my loves bringing so much to my life. I don't expect to grow old with anyone at this point, I think that ship has sailed, and that is my choice, but I am gonna laugh and tell stories of the guys I met and not be bitter about it because that just seems like more fun to me! If I make it to a ripe old age I look forward to rocking in a cozy chair and hearing the stories of others and all the bumps and bruises life dealt them, and yet how their spirits rose up and kept moving on!

My current SO told me something once that I thought was very wise. He said he believed that we should be grateful for all the good and bad in our lives. He's pretty religious so this was from his faith. I liked it. It has a nice symmetry to it. I like it because it reminds me how one bad breakup often led to meeting another wonderful, interesting, loving person that I would not have known otherwise.

wishing you peace and lots of love, pearl.

[Cromwell]

In a way it is sort of the ultimate defense mechanism for them against the pain of abandonment. Meet someone new, and leave in the most callous way possible. It's almost a win win for them. They weren't abandoned and the ex is just thrown into a state of despair missing them.

What made me heal , ultimately, was her trying to recycle again. In a strange way, it lifted the pain. I feel bad for those who never even hear from their BPD ex again as that must be very tough to get over.

It's almost like a loved one dying of cancer. It hurts initially.  A shock.  But you can still talk to them. And sooner or later you understand and accept it is best for them to be at peace.  As opposed to a loved one dying instantly in a car crash.

For me, and I think others, it isn't losing the BPD, but in a way the way they end it that causes the maximum amount of pain. In my case atleast, I know she did these things on purpose. To protect herself and to keep the possibility of return open. She would even plan the night before her vanishing to be the best.  Lovebombing, lots of sex, great dinner etc.

Because if the relationship dragged out a long and slow mutual death, we would truly see, at the time, we don't want them.  And wouldn't in the future either.

Hi Husband

A really interesting theory, at least how you outline it, it relates to my experience. Im not sure how I would have felt if I would have discarded her when I discovered the cheating- I guess part of me did, but that shock factor made the pull back into the relationship. If this is some sort of manipulative perhaps over time, well rehearsed pattern that has been discovered to work - I think it is done more out of habit and part impulsivity, ie, having the opportunity to do so, I guess not difficult because the habit of seeking out other potentials is also just part of the script.

Perhaps being hurt by it, yet still going back, alleviates abandonment fears. A sort of testing ground. The worst case scenario, have already triangulated and have a fall back plan, it just becomes a case of then having to repeat the process to find another. It makes sense to me, appears methodical, but again I put it down to creature of habit of stuff and self serving of needs taking predominance over whatever hurt is caused to another - at least the impulsivity of doing so overrides it, shame and regret may or may not come later.

From my perspective, it is because the relationship continued beyond what could have been a turning point 3 months in, they may have love bombed etc, adored even, but its nothing that they cant walk away from; de-idolise, paint black at a moments notice. On the proviso they have a new relationship lined up. Also in my case cheating was a pre-emptive strike - do it before I 'might' do it - a form of protecting her ego but had sabotaged relationships in the past.

In regards to wether we had them to the extent believed, or tried to chase what we cant have, I agree with you from my own situation - the relief when I had her back a week later took away that shock and deep amount of hurt - but theres a saying that I stick by to this day "you cant lose what youve never had" - sure we shared some deep emotional moments that she talks about, but im not reading into all the words, the love bombing and attaching much if any validity to any of it these days - if her behaviour constitutes the love she talked about all the time, then it doesnt match up with my wants, needs and to that extent I never had it in the first place, equally havent lost anything.

In the end I got more of a conclusion that rests better for me, I suppose rather than some dramatic discard and all the shock that goes with it, im fortunate that I was able to find closure more on my terms, although ghosting her isnt the nicest thing to do - I dont lose any sleep or feel wrong in doing it that way, I did lose sleep as a result of her antics, was very hurt and shocked by it all, her feeling some shame about it or expressing regret in due course, helped, but it didnt in long term stop her from more sabotagement moments - under a different guise this time - of my supposed wrongdoings being the excuse to mitigate self-shame. Again, I take it less personally than i did at the time and see it as some lifestyle, habitual script that gets refined and adapted with experience to avoid abandonment fears/vulnerability.

[Husband321]

Yes... .

It was always hard to read... .The exact motivations...

This would be the script she did with me,(3 times) her ex husband,(30 times) and even the guy after me...

a. Have a great weekend together...  Lots of sex, future talk, we were even house hunting for a new place the night before she vanished.

b. She makes me breakfast. Kisses me goodbye... Throughout the day she is texting hearts, "I love you", "What do you want for dinner?  Ill grab you a six pack also"

c. Get home at 5, her car is gone, all of her things are gone. Empty closet. Everything gone. Call her and no answer for hours. Clearly she was gone long before sending me all the texts.

Then within a day or 2 she would want to come over, see me again, and be in some sort of limbo state where she is at a hotel, and I live at home... Until eventually she would move her things back home and promise to never do it again. Then it would take weeks for her to empty her bags, hang up her clothes etc.

So it would go from the highest point possible, to the lowest imaginable. (Coming home to an empty house). I could never figure out how much was impulsive... How much was planned... Why? Etc.

[SerendipityChild]

a. Have a great weekend together...  Lots of sex, future talk, we were even house hunting for a new place the night before she vanished.

Same here... .how could someone tell you they want to retire in a hut in a remote island somewhere when you both get older and leave you unexpectedly? No goodbyes or best of luck- just packed up some of his stuff and left. He didn't even say a decent goodbye to my children (not his, but they did like him because he was "fun").
Slowly I am pulling myself out of the quicksand. There are moments when I couldn't remember his face.
I hope that is a good thing.   

[Husband321]

Same here... .how could someone tell you they want to retire in a hut in a remote island somewhere when you both get older and leave you unexpectedly? No goodbyes or best of luck- just packed up some of his stuff and left. He didn't even say a decent goodbye to my children (not his, but they did like him because he was "fun").
Slowly I am pulling myself out of the quicksand. There are moments when I couldn't remember his face.
I hope that is a good thing.   

Same here... .My son, who she "loved like her own", and spent a lot of time with... .Never even said goodbye or thought about it... Come to think of it, in a way she "lovebombed" a 6 yr old just to disappear.

[SerendipityChild]

Same here... .My son, who she "loved like her own", and spent a lot of time with... .Never even said goodbye or thought about it... Come to think of it, in a way she "lovebombed" a 6 yr old just to disappear.

The trauma and pain that our children had to endure because of him... .I don't think I am ready to forgive him for it. Not now and not for a long time. It helps squash the longing I feel for him.

[toughday]

My partner put a massive Facebook post up on NYE about how she was looking forwards to the next year in our new house and how much she loved me and all the reason why. 5 days later she was telling me to leave the house as she didn’t believe I loved her anymore. That’s it... all over no second chance no explanation allowed. We went from trying for a kid to me being kicked out of the house instantly and not because she didn’t love me. Because she was sure I didn’t love her. There was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise.
I tried to patch things up but it was useless she never trusted me ever again

[Husband321]

My partner put a massive Facebook post up on NYE about how she was looking forwards to the next year in our new house and how much she loved me and all the reason why. 5 days later she was telling me to leave the house as she didn’t believe I loved her anymore. That’s it... all over no second chance no explanation allowed. We went from trying for a kid to me being kicked out of the house instantly and not because she didn’t love me. Because she was sure I didn’t love her. There was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise.
I tried to patch things up but it was useless she never trusted me ever again

That's sort of what I mean... .Whether it is intentional
On their part or not(varies by case to case I feel) , or to what degree, it's a major shock to your system to go from extreme highs to the lowest point possible within minutes, hours, or days.

Many of us can handle tantrums.  Or yelling. Or some of their bad habit phases...

What is extremely difficult is when they are trying to have your babies one day, and gone forever the next.  That is a difficult blow emotionally and physically.
As opposed to many other types of divorce and break ups within a sexless marriage, or constant bickering, or just a mutual loss of feelings.