Where even to start?

[Nests]

Hi, I'm here. I'll try to start with the now and explain as i go... .I've written and rewritten this a dozen times but it's so hard to explain.

A month or so ago my husband was hospitalized for being acutely mentally ill. His mental health had been steadily declining over the last couple of years, and he has never really been in good mental or physical health.
2 months ago I'd never imagined being seperated from him unless by his death. That being said i knew our relationship was unhealthy, and i was just starting to see the FOG by googling "walking on eggshells".

The nurses assured me he would be hospitalized for a few weeks, and he was refusing to talk to me so i left town for an occasion that had been long planned. He spent 6 days in hospital before they released him to his parents for outpatient therapy.  I extended my leave to stay with a family member another week to get things sorted out... .I told him it would be best if we seperated and he stay with his family.

Last week he told me he had been diagnosed with 2 kinds of depression and cluster b personality with borderline traits. I feel like i knew he had BPD.
I've been consuming as much info as i can manage, while i single parent our infant.  Learning the language and terms have really helped me see the disordered behaviours and I can see how my own reactions (stonewalling, staying quiet, avoiding conflict, doing everything, fixing, enabling... .) Have made things worse.

I'm involved with a women's center, and am starting therapy but I'm so confused and hurt. We had been together half our lives.

Today we "talked" in person for the first time and I've been in an awful state. Maybe i really am the crazy one.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

  nests, and welcome!  It really is difficult to explain and to understand.  The good thing is you found us here and we understand just how difficult it can be.  We are a community ready to listen and support.  Feel free to post on the threads of other members.  Many posts contain a lot of good discussion. 

I’m sorry you have been through such a difficult time.  There is a lot of information here at your disposal.  There are some links to articles of interest  on the right hand side of this page. 

It’s good that you have therapy available to you.  I’m sure with all that you are going through, you are naturally stressed.  Be sure to take good care of yourself- sleep and eat to stay healthy and take care of the little one.

Now that you see how certain reactions make  things worse, there are tools and techniques that can help in communicating and just living our lives in a more mindful way.

The ups and downs of complicated or high conflict relationships can make one feel crazy.  I have been there myself.Do you have supportive friends or family members that you can reach out to? 

Welcome again!

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway