Feeling like this is contagious.

[frayed2beme]

My boyfriend's had a very abusive mother that likely had BPD and has an ex-wife of 20 years who was diagnosed with BPD. He and I are currently separated/taking a break from each other as far as proximity (he's in air bnb's and staying at friend's houses) while our toxic dynamic cools. We were making excellent progress, feeling calmer, feeling more independent with better boundaries... .for a time.

Now in our third week of this process I have found that, with the addition to new stress in his life, our progress is taking a big hit and I am feeling bombarded with accusations about why he feels so stressed out. Things that feel big to him are happening this week: his best friend's mother died and his work canceled a business trip, which we were relying on for week 4. Now tiny things that I ask (and I specify are no a big deal if he can't help with at home) are being violently rejected and creating conflict that sometimes lasts for days. He feels regularly "unheard" by me and I struggle to communicate to him effectively. He has serious PTSD from his Ex-Wife and his ex-girlfriend, who both stole from him and still can't deal with the debt 3-years post divorce.

We are working with a wonderful attachment therapist but the progress we make is so erratic I get discouraged and don't know who to turn to other than her. I've tried talking to friends in the past which has been met with spotty acceptance. Sometimes he is ok with me talking about our issues with people and sometimes he is enraged and tells me that I am trying to damage his reputation and make it so those people won't like him irreparably.

I am afraid to do anything! Sometimes things are great: he's doting, loving, wants to marry me tomorrow. Other days I am the most awful person he's ever met and wants me to move out immediately. I am learning that neither one of these extremes are true (although sometimes I think he still wants to marry me immediately) and that even if he tells me to get out that he's just protesting. I am having a hard time accepting that because it feels like a boundary violation to stay in someone's house who wants you to leave, but when he is regulated he says he doesn't mean it. I get worried because he DID call the cops on his stealing ex-girlfriend and I am scared I'll be next.

I have two small dogs, who I love, and the three of us have already had to spend one night in the car due to this behavior but with me being a type I diabetic and one dog being a type II (weird, right?) we can't exactly survive in the car for long. It was really uncomfortable and scary, even though it was right outside the house. But I can't move back with my mom, who has an impossible anxiety disorder herself incidentally, and I am trying to rent my own house out. One day it's perfect and we are going to get married and the next I am packing my bags, or even within the same day. He's been drinking and although he's on psychiatric medication (as am I) it doesn't seem to be helping, or at least, not enough.

He's triggered by everything and I have developed a terrible sense of boundaries with his anxiety, in front of which I crumble. I have been getting a lot better at this but I have lost track of reality--what's big, what's small? He tells me all sorts of things and I don't think he is a reliable judge on what is big and small anymore.  Help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

 

Hi frayed2beme,

Welcome to the place where nobody wants to be... .but I'm glad you've found us.  What you're describing is very typical BPD behaviour.  You mentioned that your bf's ex has BPD, and there is something called "fleas"... .which means if we spend a long time with a pwBPD, the traits rub off on us too.  I am not sure if your bf has BPD, but it seems that he is showing some BPD behaviours.

pwBPDs are very extreme, and can be "I love you the best" one minute and "I f*ing hate you, you ruined my life" the next.  As the recipient of such strong emotions, we tend to be caught off-guard and often seek for reassurance from our pwBPDs that what they say isn't true, but we never get them, because to the pwBPD, feelings = facts, and therefore, if they're feeling abandoned that moment, it means that you have abandoned them, and they won't hear anything else.

You mentioned that you are losing your boundaries with his anxiety and don't know what is true anymore.  I get you!  With a pwBPD, everything is true at that moment, and everything is the most serious thing that has ever happened to them.  

Have you had a chance to read the resources on here?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0 You may want to read more about the FOG that is clouding our vision as a non, and how we can get out of it.  If we react to our fears all the time, it will further harm our communication with our pwBPDs.  

Hope you can find some of the help you need here!

Chosen

[pearlsw]

Hi frayed2beme,

I'd like to join Chosen in welcoming you here as well.

I had to deal with a lot of blowback from my SO's experiences with his ex wife. A lot. In time it has decreased, but it took a lot of work to make those gains. He just could not understand or relate and made a lot of wrong assumptions about my motives. I can't say all was ever conquered on this front, but some progress was made over time.

I am concerned that you and your pet have been driven out doors at times by the stresses of all this. Has their been violence? Does he throw you out into the streets? Make you fearful? What has precipitated this?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[frayed2beme]

Thank you for responding, both of you!

I have been going back and forth about whether or not he actually does have BPD because some of the time he kind of seems... .normal? Or maybe that is part of the upswing/idealizing and I just like it and am kidding myself. I think he might have your moody fleas though.

He had been with his ex-wife since high school, age 14 to be exact and they split up when he was 35ish(?) It was them against the world, escaping her abusive household and moving into a divey place in NY when they graduated high school. He was always good at everything he did/does: a successful classical musician as a first career, successful technology professional in the second, science fiction nerd, and all SORTS of identity. His mother beat him and broke his stuff as revenge. He would strategically place toys he didn't care about in her field of vision as decoys. HER parents stole her college money before she fled and treated her like dirt so he got her a scholarship to college. According to him, she had nothing she liked without his assistance. He started her up and helped her maintain almost all of her hobbies. She never really worked a job for long and got fired for stealing. Lied to him about all number of things financial and personal. Was always sick with something chronic and undiagnosable. Accept for BPD.

Are we itching fleas yet? At what point do they become indiscernible? HOW LONG DOES THE SHAMPOO TAKE TO WORK?

As far as personal safety, no, he hasn't physically "thrown me out" exactly, but has been more like "get out or else" and called the cops on his ex in a similar fashion. I am learning that I should not take his threats so seriously, but it's hard feeling like I am overtaking his boundaries since it IS his house... .part of the issue is that he's not good with boundaries so when he sets them I want to oblige and accept them and not just pat him on the head and tell him "there, there", but I am sure there is a third option. He makes me fearful that he is going to throw me out, call the cops or something, or do something in a rage he can't take back. He's more afraid of me hurting him, which has happened with his exes, but never with me.

I can't even remember exactly what starts those fights. It's a lot of blaming and telling me how I don't listen to him, me insisting that I am listening (I know, I know), him telling me he "feels unheard", me tearing my hair out (figuratively) trying to figure out what I am not hearing, him telling me I am an awful, terrible partner, that I should just not date anyone ever again, that all of his friends think I am crazy, that he'd be better off without me... .and me losing my "cool" after several hours of berating and taking a walk, and I am not welcomed warmly, lets say. It doesn't stop until I am vaguely threatened enough to sleep in the car. 

This must all sound like super rookie moves. I've been reading books. I know what I am "supposed" to do. But I have also been itching at fleas. There are plenty of holes in walls, not all from him. I have absolutely lost it and crashed my head through a wall in absolute insane frustration before I figured out that it might not actually be me going crazy. I have never had a yelling fight with a partner until now. I was married before! I'm 33. The last time I slammed a door (I think it was once) was in high school, and now I have literally slammed our front door off of it's hinges. I have broken my own phone.

I am being gaslit on a fairly regular basis and have become obsessed (according to him) with the "words" that he says. I feel crazy! He tells me I am dead wrong about something and when I try to understand how it came to be that I am wrong (I am very forgetful, much ADD here) he gets enraged and tells me "I am making it all about me". I spent hours yesterday combing through our chat logs on google finding something I KNEW he had said and denied. I won't show him I found it, but he insists I am wrong and he's so smart. He can't have just forgotten!

Last week, while still at an air bnb, he insisted that I am already going to leave him (he told me to move out again) and gives me the cold shoulder for days. We didn't talk until therapy where he pleads and cries that he is only protesting and that he doesn't mean any of it. Tonight he is terrified again (lots of him erupting at me and me channeling our therapist today and him telling me I am exhausting) but is calmed by me telling him I love him and not going anywhere and tells me that HE loves ME too and is never going anywhere.

When does he mean it? How do I know?