Introduction and Struggles with My Sister

[mmelibrarian]

Hello there. I'm appreciative there's support online for these issues.  I have a sister who I just realized has BPD tendencies.  Over the decades she has stopped talking to me, chastised me for not acting like a "sister", and tried gaslighting me while wanting me to be her best friend, sometimes almost at the same time.  She was also demanding constant communication throughout the day, to the point that after waking up, I'd see a stream of texts from her on my phone.

I also have an 87-year old father who lives with her who cycles through frustration/fear/guilt over her.  She's been emotionally abusive to him--something I recently discovered. I've been working with him to get him out of his living situation, for which he's been grateful, but he's wracked with guilt about my sister's mental state.  However, my sister (who's extremely smart) has figured out what's going on and she has stopped communicating with me--I'm guessing since she isn't sure how I feel about her now and what I know about her manipulations.  She's been on her best behavior for the past month and been extra sweet to my dad.  Now my dad is trying to get me to call my sister because he feels bad for her and believes that she is "lonely". 

I'm not thrilled of the idea of reaching out to her because I'm pretty sure that on some level it's giving her permission to treat me like she did before.  I didn't really reach out to her before because she was constantly calling/texting me; now I feel like if I do reach out, at best it'll be awkward and forced; at worst she'll return to her old behaviors.  But my father is beginning to pressure me into reaching out to her regularly. 

I'm not sure what to do!

[Tregonsee]

Hi mmelibrarian.  I had the same situation with my sister who was at one time living with our elderly mother (mom was in her late 70's) and emotionally abusing her.  I was able to get my mom's primary care doctor to refer her to a geriatric psychiatrist, and that helped quite a bit.  (I pointed out the reason why mom lost so much weight is BPD sis was controlling the food, forcing mom only to get what BPD sis wanted (but not what mom wanted), not letting mom cook because of the "smell" or whatever.)  After seeing mom a few times the psychiatrist decided to pay a home visit (I know, unbelievable, I am so grateful!) and BPDsis, who is basically a bully and therefore a coward with non-family members, suddenly decided to move out right after being confronted by someone who cannot be taken in by her lies and manipulations.  I was not there at the time and mom couldn't really explain exactly what happened, but it was a miracle.  Not saying this would happen for you.  But, I understand what you are facing.  By the way before the doctor visit I tried calling authorities to report elder abuse but they did nothing except call my mom (with my sister next to her) and ask her if she was ok, and of course she said yes.  Thank goodness for my mom's great doctor.
 
My advice is do not give in to your dad's requests to be in contact with your sister - this will definitely reinforce her bad behavior and eliminate those boundaries we all need so much with BPD relatives.  My mom has at times in the past asked me to do the same and I explained that all that would happen would be a big argument/raging which would be upsetting; mom did not push the issue.  Just be a broken record, tell your dad something simple - you don't get along and it is best to limit interaction with each other.  And good for you for trying to extract your dad - it is very difficult and I wish you all the best!

[Turkish]

Your dad seems like he might be safer given you think that your sister might be aware that you're onto her behaviors. It might be good for your dad in the short term.  What are your thoughts on the long term?

[mmelibrarian]

Thanks Tregonsee and Turkish for your thoughtful answers and questions!  Both of you bring up an interesting point: when my sister realized I'm on to her manipulations (so to speak), she went from full-on bully to being super cautious and very tentative with me.  She doesn't know where I stand with her or what exactly I know, but she knows I'm not acting in the usual manner, which was enabling and gullible.

Long term: I'm trying to get my father into an independent living situation, but between his guilt and his diminished capacity to make decisions (he's become a little impulsive), it's been difficult.  My sister is also good at pushing his "help me" buttons, so I have to do a lot of talking to him to get him back on track.

Tregonsee: my heart goes out to you re your sister's abuse!  My sister can be very frightening, but I don't see her starving my father.  He also swears she's good with his money, but I keep my eyes open on that one. 

[Athenas Courage]

Hi mmelibrarian,

I can relate to parts of what you were saying.  My mother will sometimes ask me to contact my sister to make up, even when my sister is the one who cuts me from her life.  I think my mother wants to be a peacemaker, and I know it must be hard for her to see her children be distant from each other.

I don't know if this would work in your situation, but something I have just started doing is setting boundaries with my family members regarding my sister.  I have asked my family members to stay out of the middle of whatever my sister stirs up.  I have recommended to them that if my sister has something to say to me, she can come directly to me to say it.  I was very clear that I did not want them to get involved.  I cannot make my family members do anything, but at least I was able to set boundaries about my wishes.

When my sister did engage with me and began raging at me for perceived slights, I carefully pointed out the inaccuracies of her statements and followed it up with how it appears we have different perceptions of events.  Since my response was not what she was looking for, she began to rage at me for inaction on my part during a period of her life years ago that I did not even know about. At that point I decided to disengage with her.

Have you been able to successfully use boundaries with your sister? If so, what did that look like?

Best