Hello, as time has gone on I’ve lost my voice and self

[Echo1]

Hello everyone,

I have recently come to the realisation that my father (who I was estranged from for many years and has come back into my life but I have thought that I was to blame for the behaviour for a long time) has BPD. I am reaching out for support and any advice will be gratefully appreciated.

Thank you

[Learning2Thrive]

Echo1

What sort of behaviors does your father display?

Have you read our resource article on FOG and emotional blackmail yet?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Does any of this article resonate with you?

L2T

[Echo1]

Thank you L2T, I hadn’t read the article but have now and It does resonates with me. I feel nervous when I’m around him as I’m scared of triggering him as he raises his voice, calls me names and says I’m saying things to hurt him when I’m really not. He says there is something wrong with me and I need to really look at how I talk to people when I’m trying my hardest to be nice to him and make him happy and to not upset him. He criticises me a lot and is very controlling of what I should be doing and exactly how I should be doing it. I feel as time has gone on I’ve lost my voice and self more and more as i don’t want to say anything wrong to trigger him so I don’t say much and I do all the things he’s telling me to do also so as not to upset him even if I don’t want to do them. He comes round every day now and I’ve asked him not to as I’d like some time to myself and he got upset saying I didn’t appreciate him, didn’t love him or want him in my life which upset me because I do want to have him around but I can’t carry on with things the way they are.

[Echo1]

Sorry reading it back I feel the above comment sounds really bad. I was just trying to explain the behaviour that has brought me here for advice. He isn’t like it all the time and can be lovely and I do feel has the best intentions in wanting to make our father daughter relationship work  but I feel I’m walking on eggshells as I don’t want to say anything wrong just in case this behaviour happens. I would really appreciate any advice on how to go about making things better.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Echo1, 

I want to join Learning2Thrive and say how glad I am that you have joined our online family. 

Sorry reading it back I feel the above comment sounds really bad.

What you share here about your feelings and thoughts is safe here. We understand, and you don't need to feel badly for being open and honest. Those of us with parents who have BPD totally get this, and the Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) can be overwhelming. I still struggle with it, and my uBPDm has been deceased for a few years now. It takes a lot of work to fight against it, but it's doable.

Would you be able to limit your time with your dad by telling him you will see him on say, Monday's and Friday's or something along those lines?

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

Sorry reading it back I feel the above comment sounds really bad. I was just trying to explain the behaviour that has brought me here for advice. He isn’t like it all the time and can be lovely and I do feel has the best intentions in wanting to make our father daughter relationship work  but I feel I’m walking on eggshells as I don’t want to say anything wrong just in case this behaviour happens. I would really appreciate any advice on how to go about making things better.

Hi again, Echo1  

None of what you’ve said sounds silly to me. I was on the receiving end of lots of those sorts of conflicts with my mother for many years.

We have several powerful communication tools for you to try. But, as with anything new, it takes practice, commitment and consistency for real change to happen.

I recommend reading these articles to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

How often do you see or talk to your dad?

Be sure to take extra good care of yourself. You are worthy of loving kindness.

L2T

[Echo1]

Thank you so much for your understanding and for the articles to read. I see him 5 days a week and he will communicate with me some way everyday. I have tried nicely asking him not to come round so much but he gets defensive saying he thought he was being helpful to me coming over but if I don’t want him around he won’t be and so then doesn’t talk to me or come round at all. So it’s like it’s all or nothing which I then feel guilty for and he starts coming round when he wants to again. He gets very defensive whenever I talk about anything I’m feeling, even if it’s not to do with him he can make it seem like I’m having a go at him when I am not. I just wish I could communicate with him better