BPD, I chose to be silent and need help, I'm stuck - don't know what to do now?

[Parents! Get help here!]

hi i need help! i am stuck in a situation and i dont know what to do now!  on sunday night we were going to a weeding it was me my BPD daughter and my husband in the car. earlier in the morning she asked me if i can go with her to buy a dress even though she had a dress but i told her sure i will come for only 2 hours to look for one. on the way she started arguing about something un relevant i worn her that i know for some-reasons you are angry right now and unfortunately if you continue talking to me the way you are we have to go back home! she didn't care and continued and i had to turn around and go back home and explained that even though i would have loved to be with her but since she is going out of her line because she feels angry i have to go back but i love her very much. on the way going to the wedding she started to be very rude very disrespectful towards me i mean to the point that i am so ashamed to tell you how she was talking about me to her dad not to me. she was saying this pc of PLEASE READ sitting next to you makes me feel like throwing up this whore sitting next to you makes me this and that this person sitting next to you ... .i was completely silence and since my husband doesn't know much about BPD and i am very new learner in this topic, he started screaming at her. i told her father to keep it down and cool. but she kept on putting me down and i said i can feel your anger towards me and i think this is not the right time for me to say anything so i am going to be silence. since that night i have not seen her because she has her own apartment and she has not called me i really don't know what to do. should i call her should i reach out to her? should i let her be? because she learned to do all this behavior and not get consequences please help me/

[AleMTN]

hi i need help! i am stuck in a situation and i dont know what to do now!  on sunday night we were going to a weeding it was me my BPD daughter and my husband in the car. earlier in the morning she asked me if i can go with her to buy a dress even though she had a dress but i told her sure i will come for only 2 hours to look for one. on the way she started arguing about something un relevant i worn her that i know for some-reasons you are angry right now and unfortunately if you continue talking to me the way you are we have to go back home! she didn't care and continued and i had to turn around and go back home and explained that even though i would have loved to be with her but since she is going out of her line because she feels angry i have to go back but i love her very much. on the way going to the wedding she started to be very rude very disrespectful towards me i mean to the point that i am so ashamed to tell you how she was talking about me to her dad not to me. she was saying this pc of PLEASE READ sitting next to you makes me feel like throwing up this whore sitting next to you makes me this and that this person sitting next to you ... .i was completely silence and since my husband doesn't know much about BPD and i am very new learner in this topic, he started screaming at her. i told her father to keep it down and cool. but she kept on putting me down and i said i can feel your anger towards me and i think this is not the right time for me to say anything so i am going to be silence. since that night i have not seen her because she has her own apartment and she has not called me i really don't know what to do. should i call her should i reach out to her? should i let her be? because she learned to do all this behavior and not get consequences please help me/

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi AleMTN,

I am sorry you are struggling so with the situation with your daughter.

Is this the first time that she's been so verbally abusive? If she did it before, how did you handle it then and how was contact resumed?

In another post you talked your daughter starting beating you and her dad up recently. This is very concerning behavior. Does your daughter have a history of being physically violent?

[ForeverDevoted]

Hi AleMTN  ,
I’m reasonably new too (my DD15 was only diagnosed last year) so I’m probably not the best to give advice but I just wanted to say well done for the way you handled the situation!  You acknowledged her feelings, kept to your word and assured her that you love her - that shows a great amount of strength!

Good luck and I hope the situation didn’t ruin the wedding for you.

[Harri]

Hi AleMtn, I am so sorry things have reached this point for all of you.  It is so difficult when you are scared, stressed, exhausted trying to find a solution so I am glad you posted to us on the board.  Collectively we can support you and maybe help you make decisions about how to respond.

First, you mentioned your daughter gets physical with both you and your husband.  Can you describe this some more please?  We have resources on Domestic Violence that I can send to you. 

i told her father to keep it down and cool. but she kept on putting me down and i said i can feel your anger towards me and i think this is not the right time for me to say anything so i am going to be silence. since that night i have not seen her because she has her own apartment and she has not called me i really don't know what to do. should i call her should i reach out to her? should i let her be? because she learned to do all this behavior and not get consequences please help me/

I can not say what you should do , but I can help you look at this. 

I will say that I think you made a good choice to not contact her.  You can stay silent (with love and firmness) and let her self-sooth and bring herself back to a place where she can actually talk rather than escalate.  If you try to contact her, you erase any benefit of telling her you will not discuss things when she is so dysregulated.  Plus, once again, there are no consequences that she can attach to her behavior.

What you did was set a boundary to protect yourself.  Boundaries are great and wonderful but are very difficult when first implemented for everyone.  They are difficult for you because you are used to acting in ways that attempt to regulate and prevent dysregulated behavior.  That is what you are used to doing and any change is going to be hard.  Your response has become almost instinctive.  For her, boundaries are difficult because she is used to relying on you to conform to her wishes and essentially give her what you want.  Yes, I know you know all that, I am just laying it all out here.

When you set boundaries like you did you have to stick with them.  Any changes like we just talked about will often cause the person to act out more or become more invested in their position of being a victim.  But over time as your daughter learns that she will not get the same response, you will see a decline in the behavior rather than an increase.  This article will help explain.  Be sure to read at least the first and the second post to get the full picture.  Extinction Bursts - Important to Understand when your Loved One has BPD.

If you have questions, feel free to post on the board.  I don't usually come to this board so someone else may follow through but all of us can help. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi AleMTN

I would like to join the others in offering you my support, I too believe that you did the right thing in keeping silent.

I had an incident a few weeks ago with my mother. We had both been away with a friend of mine for a weekend. I was driving us back. I said something, she took it the wrong way and the next thing she was spouting a lot of unpleasant things, trying to get my friend to take her side, so I did the same as you, except I didn’t say anything, I just went silent and didn’t react. Luckily my friend didn’t get drawn in and by the time I dropped her off at her home she had “reset” and actually apologised to me, I wasn’t expecting that. I think Harri has given you some great advice, your daughter needs time to process and to self soothe. Until she has done this I don’t think that you will be able to achieve anything by contacting her. x 

[AleMTN]

thank you all for responding and advising me. i have not contacted her so as she. i talked to my own therapist and he said the same so i am glad i am in a right track. this was not her first time she has done that so many many other times but this was the first time that i made it clear to her that this would be your consequences. on the other hand  she started her master school on syc on Monday she missed her morning classes on the first day but she made it to her night classes. and she has been going to her therapist but i cant get in touch with her dr at all he doesn't answer me. i know she is abusing drugs but sometimes her abilities surprises us. she does things that no one can do and sometimes she acts like a 4 years old girl. she told her dad that the classes are way too hard and she cant understand anything so we don't know what to expect next. also i dont know if i maintion this or not but she works at a very high end rehab where she needs to be admitted! she supervise the patients! she sometimes tells me how bad she feels about the patients that they have go through this and how the patient scape from there or how they harm them self or how somehow they find drug and after drug test the result is positive.
i feel guilty not to be there for her because as a mother i have done mistakes not knowing to hurt her and that bothers me very much. i cant never see her child hood video because it breaks my heart. also she was never able to watch any of her child hood pictures or videos because it would make her sub i don't know why.
again thank you for this opportunities to be able to share our feelings here.

[Harri]

Hi.  You are doing the right thing by not contacting her.  It is so hard to change patterns of behaviors even when you know the old way is not only not helpful but possibly harmful as well. 

Many (all?) parents look back and can see mistakes they have made.  All you can do is acknowledge them and do better now that you know better.  You are not alone in this. 

AleMTN, stick with this boundary of yours.  If you feel like something needs to be done, just post and try to Be aware and of Wisemind and here is more on Wisemind:  Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Keep up the good work.  It is hard but worth it for you and your daughter.

[wendydarling]

Hi AleMTN

I too am sorry you are struggling with the situation with your daughter and she was hurtful towards you. I also agree standing back while she self regulates. Harri gives good advice, when I think of boundaries they have four attributes, I must be kind, gentle, respectful and firm. I recognise it's a recent diagnosis, my DD was also diagnosed late at 26. That's interesting your DD is working in rehab! makes me wonder if she's gaining, learning from the treatment process while supervising and clearly empathising with the patients, hopefully she's seeing some successes.

I saw you encourage others on another thread to read books,   I'm wondering if you've read this book? I found immensely useful, accessible and quite liberating!

I don't have to make everything all better; Gary and Joy Lundberg a relationship-enhancing handbook that shows how validating communication techniques can help others help themselves. It sets out 6 principles and how to apply in different situations eg teens, a spouse, parent, adult child etc.

AleMTN, I'm glad you are here with us and look forward to hearing more from you, you are not alone  

WDx