New here, I believe my sister has BPD

[BabyButterfly]

Hi there. I guess I'm just here to share. I'm familiar with BPD because I also fall into the category of "my significant other's ex has BPD" and I've talked about BPD in therapy quite extensively to help understand and separate myself from the targeted behavior. I have been suspecting that my sister also has it for a couple of years--or maybe just BPD traits, and recently I've come to the sad conclusion that I think she has the full blown disorder. I'm going through some grief, loss of the relationship I wanted and thought I could have with her. Just feeling very very sad. Here's the story.

I'm the oldest of three sisters. We're a blended family with some significant trauma in the mix. Good hearted parents dealing with too much tragedy to shield us. Because of the chaos in our childhood home, my nearest sister and I didn't really get to know each other as adults until recently. We're both in our forties. She moved back in state, and I was so happy we could finally be in each others' lives on a regular basis.

I knew her romantic history, financial life and employment history were unstable, and the family chalked it up to bad luck. She had a breakup shortly after she moved back and I offered her my spare room until she could get on her feet again. I thought it would be a month or two. It took sixteen months, altogether. She let her savings run out, then didn't get a job until I prompted her, then didn't work full time until I prompted her again, then kept... .inexplicably... .not having a job. I finally told her job or not, she needed to move out. I did it as gently and supportively as I could, emphasizing that I believed in her ability to make it on her own. She found a place and moved out, but continued to struggle with stability. For reasons never clearly explained, still couldn't find a steady full time job. Highly dramatic relationships. One guy she broke up with, then he gave her a car, then she re-broke up with him when he wanted more than friendship. Another she was on and off with for a couple of years. He kept breaking up with her because he wouldn't text her back right away and she would freak out and accuse him of cheating. He also canceled dates quite often because he was too drunk. After one of the breakups, I tried really hard to convince her to let him go, that he she needed someone consistent, responsive, and nurturing and he clearly didn't meet those criteria. She threatened to harm herself, went to the hospital, and was sent home with a safety plan that she was very offended by. She raged that she was not going to be "held accountable" by some social worker. I called the next day, to see if she was, you know, ALIVE, because the whole thing freaked me out. Sure enough, she was on a date with the guy. It seemed like the whole self-harm/suicide threat was about getting him back. (She did eventually have a final, final breakup with him some time later. Maybe 6 or 8 months.)

Between me asking her to move out and trying to talk her out of a bad relationship, she really became distant with me. We continued to talk. I worried about her all the time. I have had a lot of trouble with feeling over-responsible for her which I've worked on a lot in therapy.

Last winter, she somehow wasn't working again for six weeks straight and was about to get evicted from her apartment. She'd received a final notice with a very hard deadline and was about $800 short. I had some work I needed done in my house, and I told her I had a budget of about $500, and would advance her the full amount. She found another family member to help, and she worked the hours for me and everything was fine. I thought she was looking for another job. She continued to do a bit of the same project on and off for a month or two, until I told her I really didn't have any more money to continue.

She then flew off the handle because she had been relying on the money I was paying her (plus some other odd jobs), and now that I had "canceled" the job, she was about to be evicted again. She blew up my phone with straight up abusive texts that completely shocked me. She was suddenly really offended that I wanted to "help" her and said she didn't need my help. I apologized repeatedly for the misunderstanding, since if I'd known she was going to end up counting on the work to live on, I would have clarified I didn't have enough money to keep it going. She scoffed at my apology, and insisted I had done something more sinister, resulting in a "deficit" to her income. I let it go and thought it had blown over when some weeks later, she blew up my phone again because she thought something I had written on facebook was about her. I assured her it wasn't, but she just kept sending me really unhinged texts, brought up the "you canceled my work" thing again. I told her I wasn't going to engage with her that way, and stopped responding.

She sent a few more really mean texts and gave up. A few more weeks went by, it seemed like it blew over. I made some small talk with her by text and after a few pleasant exchanges, I told her that if she had an issue with me, I would like to talk face to face since I find things tend to go off the rails by text. She agreed and I thought we were ok. Well, a week later, she had a facebook argument with my other sister over something trivial, and after a short rant about how the "women she loves" let her down, she unfriended all three of us sisters on facebook. But she's still friends with our parents and a lot of MY friends that she added, which is just awkward all around.

I think she probably meets most of the criteria for BPD--maybe all, but I'm not privy to her inner thoughts so I couldn't answer for a couple of them. Another family member said she'd been diagnosed with bipolar but "didn't accept" the diagnosis. She has been in therapy a couple of times, and identifies as having PTSD (probably true), but she keeps quitting therapy. Most recently she says she can't do trauma therapy because her life is too unstable. I told her she can still work on stabilizing while in therapy, and things like coping skills, but she wasn't too keen on getting back to it.

This has been a long story. I'm just dealing with grief. I love my sister, and I don't want to be estranged from her. I thought when she moved back we would be very close, hanging out together all the time. We have so much in common. People mistake us for twins when we're in public together. We went through so much trauma in our childhood together, and through it all she was my only constant presence. We lost our parents for a while, everything was in upheaval, but she was always there. I crave her understanding and support, but honestly she's too young to remember, and I think I've idealized her over the years without really seeing her as a completely separate person.

She has so many sweet qualities and is very funny and can be quite caring. I don't know how to deal with this current behavior. The idea of reaching out and trying to talk to her about it exhausts me, and I feel manipulated since I set a boundary that we weren't going to talk about things by text, and I feel like she's daring me to contact her so she can have an excuse to blow up my phone again with ugly accusations. I really can't envision a scenario where discussing things works well.

Since she's been closer, I've noticed she doesn't ever apologize for her behavior and shows zero insight into her issues. I have not been able to convince her, for example, that when a romantic interest doesn't text her back immediately he might actually be busy, working, sleeping, etc. and the lack of response is probably just triggering her (very justified) abandonment fears. She is absolutely convinced she can read minds and knows the guy is "doing something." She can't accept that she's done something wrong when she's at fault, and at the same time she's constantly blaming herself for things that aren't at fault.

I'm just really sad. Thanks for reading.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi BabyButterfly, 

Thank you for sharing the details of what is going on with your sibling. I can tell that you care about her very much and that you want to have a strong relationship with her. That is awesome! 

So many of the things you shared sound very much like BPD. Whether or not she 'accepts' the diagnosis doesn't matter, but it can help you and others around her to understand the craziness. My uBPDm was never diagnosed, and up until the last days before she died, I remember her saying, "Don't let them give me any medication. They'll say I'm crazy." Nevertheless it is very hard to see them acting this way.

A pwBPD is so sensitive to any perceived rejection that it can be hard to express anything you need to share with them because it will most likely be taken the wrong way. Does that sound like your sister?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

She can't accept that she's done something wrong when she's at fault, and at the same time she's constantly blaming herself for things that aren't at fault.

That's a tough dichotomy to live with,  viewing the world in such a way.  A pwBPD (person with BPD) feels intense shame,  as if they are unworthy of love.  As you allude to,  her fears of abandonment  (like any guy is cheating on her) have their roots in this.  The anxiety surrounding the fear of not being loved (rejected) results in disordered thought processes and behaviors.  

I'd first step away from trying to soothe her jealous feelings about her beaus. I know it's frustrating (I went though it with the BPD-like mother of my children).

You did a kind thing opening up your home to her and later paying her for work.  My BPD mother similarly slow walked and kind of abandoned work her neighbors offered her out of kindness because my mother couldn't manage her finances.  It was weed pulling and I heard both sides of the story from my mom and the neighbor which was interesting... .

I like your text boundary. To you think you may see her in person soon? We have communication tools here which may help you navigate that.  

[BabyButterfly]

Yes, very much. She will even turn around a positive statement to make it something insulting or hurtful. It's very frustrating.

Hi BabyButterfly, 

A pwBPD is so sensitive to any perceived rejection that it can be hard to express anything you need to share with them because it will most likely be taken the wrong way. Does that sound like your sister?

[BabyButterfly]

That's a tough dichotomy to live with,  viewing the world in such a way.  A pwBPD (person with BPD) feels intense shame,  as if they are unworthy of love.  As you allude to,  her fears of abandonment  (like any guy is cheating on her) have their roots in this.  The anxiety surrounding the fear of not being loved (rejected) results in disordered thought processes and behaviors.  

I'd first step away from trying to soothe her jealous feelings about her beaus. I know it's frustrating (I went though it with the BPD-like mother of my children).

You did a kind thing opening up your home to her and later paying her for work.  My BPD mother similarly slow walked and kind of abandoned work her neighbors offered her out of kindness because my mother couldn't manage her finances.  It was weed pulling and I heard both sides of the story from my mom and the neighbor which was interesting... .

I like your text boundary. To you think you may see her in person soon? We have communication tools here which may help you navigate that.  

I haven't tried talking to her about her relationships since that one time over a year ago. I didn't realize she could be so irrational. She insisted the guy was abusing her. I asked a lot of questions, trying to find the abuse, but I never heard anything that sounded like real abuse, and she never had any evidence that he was cheating. I started feeling sorry for him, because she was going bonkers when all that seemed to have happened was he's bad at checking and responding to text messages. It seemed so simple and obvious. He was a veteran with PTSD, a traumatic brain injury, and a drinking problem. I was like, "Hey, give him a break, he has a lot of problems and he literally can't remember to text you back," but she couldn't hear any of that, so I gave up. This was one of the times I started wondering if there was something "more" going on with her because she really didn't seem able to comprehend logic or see someone else's point of view, even theoretically. Myself, sometimes I get very triggered and lost in my own emotions, but if someone says, "Hey, this is probably the other person's point of view," I can see it logically, even if I'm still feeling my own stuff, and after the moment passes, I can empathize. But not my sister. No one else's POV is real to her.

What you say about slow walking and abandoning work is interesting. My sister wasn't doing weed pulling for me, but she had taken on that kind of work for other people, and it seemed like she would take any excuse to put it off or cut it short, and I couldn't understand if she was in that kind of financial crisis why wasn't she working her ass off? I'm starting to understand that being in financial crisis constantly is normal for her and she's not that motivated to get ahead.

I don't know if I'll see her in person soon. She's never cut me off before or used these kinds of tactics on me, so I don't really know what to expect. It sheds new light on her conflicts with others. I've tried various communication methods with other borderlines in my life with the guidance of therapists and books like Stop Walking on Eggshells. It really has never turned out well, and the friendships could never be salvaged. I don't want it to go that way with my sister, so I really feel like there's nothing I can do. These techniques sound good on paper, but they aren't super effective in real life (in my hands). I'm also feeling resentful right now at the idea of making an effort to fix a relationship she broke.

Thank you for the comments.

[Harri]

Hi babybutterfly and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  You are in the right place though to talk with others in similar situations and receive support and information.  We are a sort of family here so I hope you feel comfortable and settle in.  We get it. 

I can hear the hurt and frustration in your post.  It is so hard when you try everything you have to make a good relationship and the other person keeps cutting you off at the knees.  It is hard work. 

I am going to share an article with you that we have over on the Parenting board.  The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship I know your relationship is different but a lot of the lessons and articles we offer on that board and the Bettering a Relationship Board may help you as you try to salvage your relationship (if you choose to).  The thing is, as I think you already know, that the bulk of the responsibility for emotional stability and emotional maturity will be on you.  That makes it so hard. 

I don't know if I'll see her in person soon. She's never cut me off before or used these kinds of tactics on me, so I don't really know what to expect.

Sometimes the best and only thing to do is wait for her to self regulate and come back when she is ready.  I was just talking about this with someone today.  pwBPD (people with BPD) need to learn to self sooth and to regulate their emotions.  So when they choose to take a break, let them.  Don't approach them or break your boundaries as that will only increase their poor behaviors.  Use the time to take care of you and to center yourself.

I'm also feeling resentful right now at the idea of making an effort to fix a relationship she broke.

Feeling resentment is very understandable.  I think most people would.  Dealing with a disordered person is difficult and can strain your own nerves.  Take time for you.  Think about what the article I linked here says and ask yourself honestly if you want to do these things.  It is okay to say no.  It is okay to say no I don't want to do this today or tomorrow.  You get to decide.

Again, I am glad you posted and I hope to see you around more.  Thanks for sharing your story.

[BabyButterfly]

Thank you, Harri. I appreciate the article recommendation and look forward to reading it. I am feeling calmer as I know it is the right thing to do to let my sister work on herself. I think she kind of let me off the hook, actually, by stomping off that way, and I am appreciating having some space. Her social media can be a bit stressful for me, as I end up wondering why she's posting whatever she's posting, so now that's not a distraction for me.

[Harri]

Hi again.  I am glad to hear you are feeling better and can see that letting your sister work on herself is a good choice.  Feeling relief about that is okay too.   Social media is always tough.  i stopped using it a few years back.  I should say I only check maybe a few times a year... .that is enough for me.  Then again though, I am a bit of a hermit... .and pretty content too!  haha

I would enjoy hearing your thoughts on the article so I hope you share.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi BabyButterfly,

How is the reading coming along? So many here have said that social media can be a trigger for them and also for the pwBPD in their lives. I think you are wise to limit your contact that way.

I've tried various communication methods with other borderlines in my life with the guidance of therapists and books like Stop Walking on Eggshells. It really has never turned out well, and the friendships could never be salvaged. I don't want it to go that way with my sister, so I really feel like there's nothing I can do. These techniques sound good on paper, but they aren't super effective in real life (in my hands).

Communicating with a pwBPD or any other disordered person is often (if not usually) beyond difficult. We can read and read, yet how do we walk it out? In my own life with my now deceased uBPDm, as well as currently with my DH (dear husband) who is much like my mom, I guess I have believed that if I did the recommended things and communicated the way I read that I was supposed to, it would all work out. Well, sometimes there were moments when it did, but usually that wasn't/isn't the case. So what to do? What is the purpose?

I believe that if we can do our best to try and understand what is going on behind the scenes with the pwBPD, we gain a better grip on ourselves and where we need to be in order to be healthy as we communicate and interact with them. As my T once told me: You can do strength training to be able to lift up your end of the weight before you, but the expectation that the other (disordered) person will pick up their end of the weight and help you simply isn't true. You can hope that they will help and work with you, but often they will not.

That was disappointing to me, but it was also enlightening. I have to be able to look at the possibility of radical acceptance. I can step away from the situation knowing I tried to do what I could, and the rest was up to them. It's okay to walk away and not accept responsibility for what isn't yours to take on.

Does that make sense?

 
Wools

[BabyButterfly]

That makes total sense Woolspinner. I think the expectation when you read the books and find something like the SET-UP method from I Hate You Don't Leave Me, or DEAR from Stop Walking on Eggshells is that you use the method and you are finally able to GET THROUGH to your pwBPD and accomplish the goals of your communication. For me, that might be something like being heard and understood, or finally establishing some facts of a situation, or just asserting my right to be a separate person with separate feelings and having that affirmed by my pwBPD. None of these expectations are realistic, though. I think those methods more more useful for very basic, practical communications, like, "You can't call me at work anymore" or "I'm not going to be able to loan you the $500 you want" and really all you can really expect is to then follow through with your own stated action of not taking the calls or not loaning the money. The pwBPD is unlikely to respond with understanding or compassion, and that's discouraging. And quite often then respond very badly.

I think of it this way. If a pwBPD has already painted you blackest of black, evil like Voldemort or the Emperor from Star Wars, then using a method like one of the above is going to sound manipulative. Imagine Voldemort saying, "I care about you and I'm here for you. I know you must be hurting right now... ." Yeah, you're not going to buy it. Voldemort doesn't care about you. He's evil. He wants only bad things for you. He's LYING to you right now when he says he cares about you. HOW DARE HE!

... .then the screaming starts.

So, yeah, I think we have to view these communication methods as something we do for ourselves, and hope that in time, with repetition, maybe our pwBPD will finally hear some of the caring things we're saying and will decide to make some changes.

[Woolspinner2000]

Yes, Baby Butterfly,

You have got it!   I think you definitely are grasping what is happening with a pwBPD and also with you. The boundary setting up is really for yourself.

Have you taken time to look at the list on the right hand side of the board? There are a lot of good points there, and more info when you click on them. Where do you see yourself? I don't think they go in the same order for everyone, and wherever you are is fine. We're all in different places.

 
Wools

[BabyButterfly]

I'm not sure what you're asking when you say "where do you see yourself?" I'm just extremely sad over what feels like a loss of a relationship with my sister and I'm trying to come to terms with it. There isn't anything to work on, here. She's chosen to take some space for herself, and she's done it in an extremely hurtful way. That's her choice. This is not something for me to work on or process for her.

I had to contact her today to ask about some things of hers that were at my house. She was pretty distant in her response and basically denied ownership of any of it. She has some things of mine I've asked for but didn't mention them or offer. I don't like interacting with her right now. There's a lot of hurt there, and I know I can't hope for her to apologize for hurting my feelings. I also sorted through some boxes that had belonged to my mother. I've been waiting for a good time to do that with her, but I realized with her recent behavior that it's not going to be a good time any time soon, and these boxes have been sitting in my basement for years. It was really hard going through those things without her. Our mother's death was tragic and traumatizing for us both. It really compounds the grief when my sister is not there in any supportive way. I want her to share the responsibility and I also want her to be able to choose mementos or items of value for herself. But she's not available right now, and I can't keep this stuff in my basement indefinitely.

[Harri]

It is good to hear from you again Babybutterfly.  It does hurt when someone cuts us out and it is hard to come to terms with the possibility that the relationship may be over.  (How's that for stating the obvious?)

There isn't anything to work on, here. She's chosen to take some space for herself, and she's done it in an extremely hurtful way. That's her choice. This is not something for me to work on or process for her.

Supporting people through difficult situations is part of what we do here.  It is not about them, it is about us and our needs. 

I hear a lot of acceptance in your words even through all the pain and sorrow.  I remember what it was like going through my parents belongings after they each died and it is very difficult.  Doing so alone is even harder as I think it can be helpful to share memories when doing so.

Just a thought:  is there any harm in letting the boxes sit for a while longer so you can make a good choice?  Or is that the plan already?

[BabyButterfly]

The box sorting job is done. Mom died in 2011, so it really has been too long already. The boxes were taking up needed space in my basement and were in danger of getting wet, being damaged from improper storage, infested with mice, etc. I donated some things I was sure neither of us would want, threw some things out that were useless, and set aside her papers, photos, and some things I thought my sister might be interested later, and found more appropriate storage. It was good to get it done. I just wish I could count on my sister, but I can't. We did go through a previous batch of boxes together, and we did share memories. That's one reason I miss having her help now.

I don't think the relationship is over, but I do think it is changed--mostly on my part coming to terms with aspects of her personality that I had not come to terms with in the past. For example, I can't rely on her. I imagined all our lives that she WAS reliable, that she just needed to get through one last life crisis and she would be the kind of loving, supportive presence I imagined. But that's not going to happen, because she just isn't reliable. It's a hard truth. There are many things like that that I am realizing, and each one makes me sad.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Putting things aside for her in a more appropriate spot was very kind and thoughtful.

I don't think the relationship is over, but I do think it is changed--mostly on my part coming to terms with aspects of her personality that I had not come to terms with in the past. For example, I can't rely on her. I imagined all our lives that she WAS reliable, that she just needed to get through one last life crisis and she would be the kind of loving, supportive presence I imagined. But that's not going to happen, because she just isn't reliable. It's a hard truth. There are many things like that that I am realizing, and each one makes me sad.

This is sad.  It is a loss even if the relationship continues (and I hope it does).  Change can be hard but it can be liberating as well.  Peeling away the layers of false hope is also hard work.

What can we do to help you?