A tough night

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m years out from the breakup. Mostly, I’m doing much better. In the first few years I did a fair amount of unhealthy cyber-snooping. I never really tried to stop doing it.  I just indulged, self-defeatingly—usually at night, usually while drinking alone and feeling sorry for myself—until until the urges dwindled. Well, that’s not entirely true; I began to replace googling my ex and his new girlfriend with checking in over here. At times, that made me wonder whether hanging out here was progress or something else. The fact is, though, that you guys kept me from reaching out to him many times and for that I’m grateful.

I quit drinking, going on two months ago. I must say that it’s done wonders for my emotional health, but tbere are ups and downs. Last night I was feeling low, and I let myself snoop. I’m 99% sure they’ve broken up.

I don’t know how I feel.

Smug?
Triggered?
Curious?

Not detached—that’s for sure.

[steelwork]

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m years out from the breakup. Mostly, I’m doing much better. In the first few years I did a fair amount of unhealthy cyber-snooping. I never really tried to stop doing it.  I just indulged, self-defeatingly—usually at night, usually while drinking alone and feeling sorry for myself—until until the urges dwindled. Well, that’s not entirely true; I began to replace googling my ex and his new girlfriend with checking in over here. At times, that made me wonder whether hanging out here was progress or something else. The fact is, though, that you guys kept me from reaching out to him many times and for that I’m grateful.

I quit drinking, going on two months ago. I must say that it’s done wonders for my emotional health, but tbere are ups and downs. Last night I was feeling low, and I let myself snoop. I’m 99% sure they’ve broken up.

I don’t know how I feel.

Smug?
Triggered?
Curious?

Not detached—that’s for sure.

[spero]

Hi there steelwork,

How are you doing?

The fact is, though, that you guys kept me from reaching out to him many times and for that I’m grateful.

I'm glad that being in this community helped you in someway. We're here to listen and to bounce your thoughts.

I quit drinking, going on two months ago. I must say that it’s done wonders for my emotional health, but tbere are ups and downs. Last night I was feeling low, and I let myself snoop. I’m 99% sure they’ve broken up.

I'm glad you feel better after not drinking for two months, that being said, i'm curious about how you're feeling about what you've said... .that you are sure that your ex is 99% broken up. How do you feel about that, and what does that mean for you? Just something for you to think about perhaps... .as you've shared.

Yours,
Spero

[XSurvivorX]

Hi steelwork,

In similar line with spero, what do you think you were / are ultimately satisfying with your open source research?  I would be lying if I told you that I didn't Google-stalk the ex once or twice in the passing years.  Thankfully she either has no social media, or it is locked down well and I can't see it.  The few things I did find led me to believe (at the time, years ago) she was seeing someone, and she bought a house.  Good for her, I say.  She went from sucking me dry in every regard to being a homeowner.  Glad I turned her into a functional member of society <sarcasm>.

What is it about these curiosities do you think is being satisfied?  Deep down inside there.  The curiousness? A little smug? A little jealous? A little satisfied? All? None?

I would say that its alright to feel these natural feelings. I guess my question to you is on your own recovery process, where do you think (now knowing) this new information takes you?  What has it done for you today?

[Mutt]

Hi steelwork,

I must say that it’s done wonders for my emotional health, but tbere are ups and downs. Last night I was feeling low, and I let myself snoop.

Congrats on your two months of sobriety , why were you feeling low? You're not drinking in the last couple of months what are you doing to compensate for that, are you going to the gym, do you have hobbies, are you taking a class?

[steelwork]

XSurvivorX and spero, yeah, I posted here because I wanted to explore my reaction. Thoughts that ran through my mind:

What happened? Did he decide he was wrong about her? Did he act out? Does he regret choosing her over me at the end? Is he seeing someone else now? Did he think of getting in touch with me? If so, why hasn't he? What would it be like if he did?

Do I want to talk to him about what happened between us? What do I want? What do I feel? I'm really trying to sit with it and figure it out. I just don't know. Maybe all I want is the feeling of being wanted by him again. Maybe it's just ego. Because I categorically don't want to be involved again with anyone who could do the things he did. Three years ago I wanted so badly for him to break up with her, as though that would make a reunion possible. Now I think I would like to talk to him again sometime, but I could never trust him with my heart again.

I guess it's kind of an anticlimax.

[steelwork]

Congrats on your two months of sobriety , why were you feeling low? You're not drinking in the last couple of months what are you doing to compensate for that, are you going to the gym, do you have hobbies, are you taking a class?

Thanks, Mutt.

I don't know how to answer that question about why I was feeling low. Or at least not in less than 100,000 words. I really don't know what I'm doing with my life, I guess. It's just always been so chaotic, and no effort to provide myself with stability seems to stick. I think I feel kind of numb a lot of the time, and the alcohol was a way of getting some feelings externalized: elation, sadness, whatever. Not drinking has provided me with an evener keel, but it didn't take away the confusion and loneliness, and the old traumas behind that numbness.

As for what I've been doing: I had a fantastic end-of-summer vacation that involved swimming and long bike rides and being out in nature, so that was great while it lasted. I wanted to keep up with the bike riding, at least, but the weather has been so hot, and where I live is not a great place for it, so I need to figure out something else.

I've been going to a lot of AA meetings, which I love. I'm looking for a sponsor. Wanna get started on this step work.

[XSurvivorX]

I guess it's kind of an anticlimax.

I dunno.  It doesn't have to be.  You have these feelings for a reason, and right wrong or indifferent, its something you have to sit with.  I think part of us always wishes or wished that something would or could change, and then that it could just be like it was again, only better.  That's the eternal optimist in us all.

If you feel that in time you could have some sort of friendship with him again, then you are a far better person than I am.  I think my ex wishes deep inside that we could still be friends.  But I feel differently.  For me, why would I want to be in any sort of relationship with a person who was able to treat me the way they did, when we had the closest-sort of relationship that two humans could have? What would I really derive out of that scenario?

I dunno - just something to think about. 

[steelwork]

For me, why would I want to be in any sort of relationship with a person who was able to treat me the way they did, when we had the closest-sort of relationship that two humans could have? What would I really derive out of that scenario?

When you put it like that... .

I guess the fantasy is that he's sorry & we can resume the friendship we had before we messed it up by getting romantically involved. Hah.

But really, I feel like maybe I'd get something out of talking to him even if it didn't open the door to friendship.

Loose ends.

[XSurvivorX]

Understandable, for sure.  I suppose then it really is up to you.  I wouldn't try and look at it that going from friends to lovers ruined something; clearly you both wanted something, you tried, and due to the mental illness it ultimately just was an untenable situation.

At the end of the day, do what you want to do, based on what you ultimately think you need from the situation.  I would take some time to think about it, however.  I know time and distance can make us think more clearly, but some of those deep wounds though healing still can tug at our emotions.

I'd ask you what specifically do you think you might get out of talking with him again, even if it wasn't a friendship? If you have a solid understanding, great.  If you still aren't sure, I would think about it a bit more. I wish for your sake he would just say he was sorry, give you some closure and then all would be right with the world; unfortunately in these pwBPD r/s there rarely ever is closure in any form. 

I'm just talking it through with you to try and understand, and to help you make sure you're looking out for you.  At the end of the day you know you best, and I'm confident you'll come to the conclusion that's right for you.

[spero]

Hi there steelwork,

How are you right now after about almost a week or so?

I guess the fantasy is that he's sorry & we can resume the friendship we had before we messed it up by getting romantically involved. Hah.

But really, I feel like maybe I'd get something out of talking to him even if it didn't open the door to friendship.

Loose ends.

I'm curious about how you've put it as "fantasy"... and getting something out of talking to him.
What would this "something" be?

Spero

[steelwork]

Thanks for checking in, Spero.

Where I'm at is somewhat where I've been at for three years now. Each time I've thought of reaching out, I've decided to wait a bit before doing so--and so far, I haven't reached out. What's different now? I have to ask myself: why does it change things that they seem to have broken up? Is it that I think he would be more receptive to talking now, or is it some lingering hope that the toothpaste could go back in the tube?

I'm curious about how you've put it as "fantasy"... and getting something out of talking to him.
What would this "something" be?

Control.
Clarity.

As I weigh it over and over, I keep coming back to fact that I balked at going all-in with him until it was too late, and there were a lot of good reasons for that. I knew deep down that he was emotionally dangerous, despite his many many attempts to pretend otherwise.

[spero]

Hi there steelwork

What's different now? I have to ask myself: why does it change things that they seem to have broken up? Is it that I think he would be more receptive to talking now, or is it some lingering hope that the toothpaste could go back in the tube?

I do think these are good questions, to ponder about. What has changed. As you've clearly put it, you can't put the toothpaste back into the tube. Things won't be like they used to, But what does your heart feel about it? How pre-occupied are your thoughts daily on this issue right now?

As I weigh it over and over, I keep coming back to fact that I balked at going all-in with him until it was too late, and there were a lot of good reasons for that. I knew deep down that he was emotionally dangerous, despite his many many attempts to pretend otherwise.

I'm curious, how you got to this point, did you want it to work although your mind was raising up all these red flags as you've mentioned being emotionally dangerous?

Yours,
Spero