Loved one with BPD lives far away, how do you help?

[LottaO]

One of my parents likely has BPD, but I live thousands of miles away and don't have much time off to go visit (plus, a visit always includes two flights since there are no direct flights to get to them). Any advice on how to help them day to day and how to assist them to want to seek professional help without being there face to face?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. 

What makes you suspect your parent has BPD?  What sort of behaviors are they engaging in?

Supporting a parent with a disorder is tough and it is even more difficult from a long distance.  Really the best thing is for you to learn about the disorder and learn boundaries and communication tools that will help.

What sort of difficulties are you having?  As you share more of your story we can give you more specific feedback.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

[LottaO]

Thank you for writing back so quickly. The main behaviors include mainly unpredictable and at times irrational emotions, fear of abandonment, hard time decision making or rash decision making. This has become apparent since my sibling and I moved out for college. Though we have come back home a few times in between jobs, but then move again for jobs, we are told lately by my parent that we have abandoned them. If we don't call every day, we are told we don't love them.

The difficulty I'm having is that I recently had a baby and getting out to visit is hard, yet I feel guilty not going. But my parent does not always get along with my spouse and so does not volunteer to come out to visit us. (Though when the baby arrived, both my parents came to meet him. Which was stressful for everyone.)

I know it is their choice, but I don't want to increase their feeling of abandonment or that because I have my own family now, that I love them less.

[Learning2Thrive]

  LottaO

Are you familiar with FOG? That is:
F - fear
O - obligation
G - guilt

I encourage you to read this article and let us know if any of it resonates with you:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

There are a lot of tools here to help you choose the best path for you and your family. We’re here to listen, support and help you learn.

 

  L2T

[Panda39]

... .we are told lately by my parent that we have abandoned them. If we don't call every day, we are told we don't love them.

... .The difficulty I'm having is that I recently had a baby and getting out to visit is hard, yet I feel guilty not going... .

... .I know it is their choice, but I don't want to increase their feeling of abandonment or that because I have my own family now, that I love them less... .

Hi LottaO,

I'd like to join Harri and welcome you to the bpdfamily.

It sounds to me like you are getting some FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail here.

Your Parent is an adult, you are not responsible for your parent's emotions,feelings, or happiness they are.

You are an adult living an independent life which is what all adults do, it is natural for you to grow up, move out, live your life, and have your own family... .none of this is abandoning your parent... .all of this is what normal healthy adult people do.

You are an adult with your own family and responsibilities in particular to your child and of course this doesn't mean you love your parent any less. 

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Guilt is a huge weapon used by people with BPD to get things (often unreasonable things) that they want.  Your parent would have you abandon your family, and move back home, and spend time exclusively with them if you let them and that wouldn't be enough to assuage their fear of abandonment. 

In terms of calling everyday, that seems excessive to me too.  What feels reasonable to you?  I think it's different for everyone.

I think it's important that you live your life and focus on your family, and set a boundary around how frequently you have phone contact. No matter how many times you call, your parent will likely not feel it is enough and will be unhappy so make the choice on how often to call based on what makes you comfortable.

In terms of getting your parent to see a professional, they would have to want that. You obviously, can't just call up and say hey, I think you have BPD and you should see a Therapist.  None of us would appreciate hearing that from anyone.  We would likely take offense and get defensive, someone with BPD even more so.  That said if the right conversation comes up you could suggest therapy... .for example they call and say they feel sad/depressed that they don't see you as much as they'd like, suggest therapy for that depression... .it might get them through the door.

Before I go I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you get the chance.

Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi LottaO,

I just wanted you to know you’re in my thoughts tonight. How are things going?

Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts. 

L2T

[LottaO]

Thank you L2T and Panda39. These are great links and I really appreciate the encouragement. I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, which was very eye opening and helpful as well, and brought me to this group.

Things are going better. My mom might come visit us in a month, which is great if she can get time off work - plus it is already starting to snow where she lives so makes traveling in and out challenging.

Then, my in laws are coming for work and to visit the baby this month, which is great, but can't help but think when they are here I will be distracted and worried about why my own mom isn't here and if she will be sad when/if she finds out that they are here and she is not.

I always feel like I have to treat each set of parents perfectly equally, but they are different and do different things (such as one planning to travel out to see us month in advance and the other just discussing the possibility of traveling).

Not sure if that all makes sense. But, always helpful to write thoughts out  

[Panda39]

I always feel like I have to treat each set of parents perfectly equally, but they are different and do different things (such as one planning to travel out to see us month in advance and the other just discussing the possibility of traveling).

This resonates with me, my SO did this with his daughters. I think this expectation was generated by his uBPDxw.  The girls had to be treated exactly the same, get exactly the same amount of Christmas Presents etc.  I get wanting to be fair, like you said his daughters are different people with different interests etc.  My SO found Christmas and Birthdays extremely stressful because of this exaggerated sameness/fairness. 

I was like why are you doing this, they don't have to get the same stuff they are different people.  D17 likes things & D22 likes spending time with her dad (a trip to a museum for example is a good gift for her) and both have completely different interests.  I had to remind him that it was about giving the appropriate gift not some weird competition. I have always just gotten them things I think they'll like.

Your mom is making parent visits/contact a competition with your in-laws. Her issue not yours.

Panda39

[LottaO]

Good advice. Thanks Panda39.

On another, but related issue, has anyone experienced loved ones with BPD don't like being 'pushed', such as asking them multiple times about something?
For instance, other family members have told me not to push anything on my mom, whether it be something suggesting flight options, to work advice, or
opinions on other life questions.

[Turkish]

Good advice. Thanks Panda39.

On another, but related issue, has anyone experienced loved ones with BPD don't like being 'pushed', such as asking them multiple times about something?
For instance, other family members have told me not to push anything on my mom, whether it be something suggesting flight options, to work advice, or
opinions on other life questions.

Your mother is a grown adult and an independent entity capable of dealing with such things,  yes?

Do you have a history of kind of "parenting" her regarding life's tasks?

[isilme]

I know it is their choice, but I don't want to increase their feeling of abandonment or that because I have my own family now, that I love them less.

It's their choice.

Both my parents were disordered, but I'll talk about my grandparents here.  My mom's dad:  he was poor.  He had a wife in a home with Alzheimer's from a rather young age, about 60 something, because she deteriorated pretty quickly.  His kids were grown, he had my cousins in Tennesee he could easily see, but I remember he still came to visit us, not often, but I remember him coming at least once to almost every house we lived in - we were Army, we moved a lot.  He came to Louisiana when I was small, to Maryland, I can't remember if he made it to Virginia, but he came to Florida, and finally, when my parents got evicted because of moms BPD, he took us in (and later kicked us out, but I've never gotten a clear story on that - Mom says he was afraid of my dad, dad said grandaddy hated me for using his washing machine "wrong".  Yya - PD parents and no straight stories).

He would call each day about 5PM.  Or Mom would call him.  Cards for birthdays, gifts at Christmas, even homemade gifts, I knew as a child grandaddy remembered me.

My dad's parents:  they had a decent amount of money, traveled a lot.  They came to see us ONCE.  I was 5.  Cards and gifts were sporadic if we got any, uncertain, and seemed to trigger fights with my parents.  My grandmother's birthday is 5 days after mine, yet I don't remember her calling me on my birthday.  I always knew when it was hers, felt bad I had a grandmother I did not know.

Anyway - it's a choice.  If your parents want to see their grandchild, they will come.  If they do not, it's on them.

On another, but related issue, has anyone experienced loved ones with BPD don't like being 'pushed', such as asking them multiple times about something?

Yes - it's invalidating to them.  It reminds them they need to do something, and often they like to "forget" to do things either out of fear of "failing' at them or as a passive-aggressive protest in doing them.

BPDH will be late, almost on purpose, when going to something he doesn't quite want to attend. 

One last note - parents abandon children, not the other way around.  we are SUPPOSED to grow up, and start lives of our own.  Any wish for it to be otherwise is rather unhealthy on the part of the parent.  My abandonment was emotional.  They neglected me and expected ME to raise my mother, be her support, her caretaker, he emotional outlet and BFF, and to succeed in things where she failed.  This goes beyond the normal, "I always wanted to be a cheerleader, I will make sure my daughter can if she wants." 

[LottaO]

Thanks for the responses. First to Turkish, in response to "Do you have a history of kind of "parenting" her regarding life's tasks?" - yes, at least since my parents got divorced around 2013.

To isilme, thanks for the examples. Very good points. And I need to realize that grandparents differ and have their own things going on.

I'm finding it hard to see where the balance is of, I want my mom to have her own hobbies and life activities, but feel she should want to drop everything and come see her new grandbaby when I need help.
 
Is it a positive sign for BPDs to be involved or staying committed to things they initially started?  In the past, it would be more likely her to not stick to something that long. So an opportunity to quit a job or travel somewhere on would be jumped at.

[Turkish]

Thanks for the responses. First to Turkish, in response to "Do you have a history of kind of "parenting" her regarding life's tasks?" - yes, at least since my parents got divorced around 2013.

I'm finding it hard to see where the balance is of, I want my mom to have her own hobbies and life activities, but feel she should want to drop everything and come see her new grandbaby when I need help.

How would you feel about letting her own these things by herself,  how do you think it would play out?

[LottaO]

Good question. I suppose it would be healthy for her, and me.

My fear is that some decisions she makes will lead to regret. For example, she recently bought a house after a year of searching and saying she need a place so she could stop wondering. She closed on one about a month ago, and now says she doesn't want it, its too much work, and she will sell it in a year.

She admits she is changing her mind and her wants, and I've told her give a few months, it will begin to feel like home, but else should I say in such a situation?

[Panda39]

She admits she is changing her mind and her wants, and I've told her give a few months, it will begin to feel like home, but else should I say in such a situation?

Okay mom, I'll support whatever you decide it's your house the choice is yours on whether or not you keep it or I'm sorry your not feeling totally satisfied with the house what do you think you can do to make it feel more like home?

Put her decisions back on her.  Where she decides to live or not live is not your problem it's hers.

Panda39

[Harri]

My fear is that some decisions she makes will lead to regret. For example, she recently bought a house after a year of searching and saying she need a place so she could stop wondering. She closed on one about a month ago, and now says she doesn't want it, its too much work, and she will sell it in a year.

I am going to echo Panda and say that her decisions and the consequences of those decisions are for her to wrangle with. 

She admits she is changing her mind and her wants, and I've told her give a few months, it will begin to feel like home, but else should I say in such a situation?

Say what Panda said.    It is hard and it may feel strange to say but that is because it is different from what you normally do.  It probably won't feel right but letting your mother figure this out is the most supportive thing you can do for her.  Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail is a quote from this thread: The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

Quote from our own member Radcliff:  In Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries book, they talk about letting someone carry their own reasonable load, but assisting when their load is unreasonable.  I do believe it's quite important for someone to experience the natural consequences of their actions, otherwise they'll never close the loop on their decision making and improve it.

Detaching with love is important.

What do you think?