When pwBPD recover and do well, family support appears to be an important factor.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just want to address the point Skip made about research that suggests that, when pwBPD recover and do well, family support appears to be an important factor.

I think the difference btwn providing this support as a parent and as a romantic partner is key. Parents endure mistreatment by their kids (“I hate you!”) and it’s understood that this is a developmental stage. The kind of rejection and devaluation that kids wBPD (and also, just kids) direct toward their FOO is part of the assignment of parenting. It’s an altogether different matter to turn the other cheek to abusive behavior and profound violations of trust in a voluntary union of peer adult romantic partners.

Folks I connected with here have really helped me see the importance of this distinction. I had a strong instinct to stay connected, to help, to be a support, to not give up on my exwBPD and our relationship. I was the opposite of the profile Skip alludes to—I blamed myself, looked for what I could do differently, and accepted him unconditionally.  This was in large part precisely because I DO understand the concept that family support is decisive and I wanted to be that one person who did not judge, condemn, reject or walk away.

But he didn’t prove to be someone who would value that gift. He continued to abuse it and exploit it in subtle and less subtle ways. He did not take responsibility for how he showed up as I was making that effort. The CCC concept or something like it is crucial for me to recall that it is not in my power to make someone else treat me well or to honor what I’ve extended toward him. And it is my responsibility ultimately to protect myself and the others in my life who are dear to me by NOT indefinitely attaching myself to wounded figures who abuse my trust.

In my role as a parent to an emotionally wounded kid I am having to use all the skills learned here, and I often reflect on how important and effective they are—and on how what I’m doing with my kid, which is working and making a huge difference for her, is profoundly unequal and would be inappropriate with a partner. It is my job and hope to influence her. Not so with my ex partner.

[patientandclear]

I just want to address the point Skip made about research that suggests that, when pwBPD recover and do well, family support appears to be an important factor.

I think the difference btwn providing this support as a parent and as a romantic partner is key. Parents endure mistreatment by their kids (“I hate you!”) and it’s understood that this is a developmental stage. The kind of rejection and devaluation that kids wBPD (and also, just kids) direct toward their FOO is part of the assignment of parenting. It’s an altogether different matter to turn the other cheek to abusive behavior and profound violations of trust in a voluntary union of peer adult romantic partners.

Folks I connected with here have really helped me see the importance of this distinction. I had a strong instinct to stay connected, to help, to be a support, to not give up on my exwBPD and our relationship. I was the opposite of the profile Skip alludes to—I blamed myself, looked for what I could do differently, and accepted him unconditionally.  This was in large part precisely because I DO understand the concept that family support is decisive and I wanted to be that one person who did not judge, condemn, reject or walk away.

But he didn’t prove to be someone who would value that gift. He continued to abuse it and exploit it in subtle and less subtle ways. He did not take responsibility for how he showed up as I was making that effort. The CCC concept or something like it is crucial for me to recall that it is not in my power to make someone else treat me well or to honor what I’ve extended toward him. And it is my responsibility ultimately to protect myself and the others in my life who are dear to me by NOT indefinitely attaching myself to wounded figures who abuse my trust.

In my role as a parent to an emotionally wounded kid I am having to use all the skills learned here, and I often reflect on how important and effective they are—and on how what I’m doing with my kid, which is working and making a huge difference for her, is profoundly unequal and would be inappropriate with a partner. It is my job and hope to influence her. Not so with my ex partner.

[Skip]

I think the difference btwn providing this support as a parent and as a romantic partner is key.

I think the research shows that family support is critical... .and it can take many forms. The research points to the type of relationship between the supporter and the pwBPD... .trust, unconditional support, strength, structured... .not an enabler or a doormat.

There are many cases of the relationship partner filling this role. This was the case with life coach Tami Green and her second husband. He played an important role in her recovery.  And her first husband didn't... .This is a function of both the partners and how they connect.

Members often ask (or think) they can be in this role after the relationship has broken down... .but it's pretty hard to play this role after a difficult breakup and when we, ourselves, are wounded. The supporting family member really has to be above the fray.

For us (on learning) its really a lesson for future encounters with people we may want to support.

Good topic. Hope to hear more.

[zachira]

Probably what is most important here, is we maintain high standards of conduct and integrity that match our values, whenever we are in a relationship. This includes treating our partner or ex partner well no matter how badly he/she acts. In other words, we do not lower ourselves to their lever no matter how bad he/she acts, and we do not do things that will escalate conflict which can makes things worse for everyone, especially our children.

[patientandclear]

Yes to the above, but the point I am trying to make is that “remaining above it” and providing that support even with all the skills in the world may amount to acceptance of abuse that we really shouldn’t accept because—while it may be the ideal scenario for the pwBPD—it isn’t consistent with our sacred duty to ourselves and the others we care for.

Centering what we do and the choices we make about how to live on what is good for another person—a peer/equal with whom we are voluntarily connected, not a child for whom we have non-transferable responsibility—is something normally thought of as quite dysfunctional and unhealthy. Co-dependent, altruistically narcissistic, etc. I also think that the viability of staying in such dynamics unconditionally likely has a gendered component. Accepting exploitation, manipulation and abuse to “help” another in a peer relationship isn’t something that should generally be recommended or undertaken. The rationale that we are a special snowflake who knows how to do that in a good way seems prone to self-deception.

[zachira]

I am not advocating acceptance of abuse or staying in a one sided relationship. Whatever happens, we want to have healthy boundaries, and give feedback that will not make things worse, and if we need to leave the relationship we do it being our best self. It does not help a person if we accept their bad behaviors and become a doormat, which I think is what you are trying to say. It does sound at times like this site is advocating having a one sided relationship which is not the case, as we cannot tell someone to leave their relationship as we do not know what is best for another, and many times there are children involved who may be left alone with the BPD parent if the parents divorce which many partners want to avoid, and other valid reasons for staying.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi patientandclear,

This is a topic I am currently struggling with.  I also read that family support is critical.  In my situation, my uBPDh and I are separated.  He was often verbally and occasionally physically abusive and intimidating.  He has pushed away all of his family members.  One reason for this is when they try to converse with him, there is no give and take.  He talks about himself, his problems, his views and steers most conversations back to these things. He will initiate political conversations and get angry when other view points are expressed.   In healthier times for him, he was less self centered.

Now, he feels abandoned by everyone,  I haven't initiated divorce, and we own property together.  I have tried to stay low contact, but he reaches out to me often.  For example, he may text something to me like "you turned your back in me" " you are a fraud". Then he may ask me to dinner (don't feel comfortable doing that).  Just last night he texted, "My life has not been worth it. I am sick of being alone."  I don't know what to say to that or how to respond.  I have encouraged him over the years to seek counseling, but he will not.  He is on antidepressants for depression.

I don't want to go no contact , but dealing with the breakup and trying to heal myself, I am not in a position to help him.

I am exhausted from trying. 

[MeandThee29]

I don't want to go no contact , but dealing with the breakup and trying to heal myself, I am not in a position to help him.

I am exhausted from trying. 

Exactly. The first step to doing better though is of course admitting the problem and being willing to take the steps to make it better. If he's not there, you probably need to keep your distance.

Mine is convinced that I am the problem, and that he is the key to dealing with the problem. He wants to move someplace new and start over (his family agrees), and I refuse. We'd just take the problems to a new place, and he'd be the same. I'm less condependent and better at setting boundaries and saying "no," and he'd really have problems with that.

[sweetheart]

For me it has been possible to recognise and accept that ongoing support from me, albeit in a now platonic relationship with my dBPDh has been and is crucial to his ongoing well being and emotional stability.

My h has been detained under the mental health act for 12 months of an 18 month hospital stay, but with a great P and excellent in-patient team who listened to how unwell my h had become it has been possible for him to have regular home leave in order to be with our son and for us to still share being together as a family.

Our lives were nothing short of a car crash for the years preceding his admission, and my h’s behaviour has been intimidating and verbally abusive and paranoid when dysregulated.

This forum gave me the tools to begin to separate myself from his chaos whilst still supporting him so that he had food, and medication and got to important appointments.

I’m not suggesting that supporting a spouse or partner is right for everyone, but it was ok for me, and I know it made a difference to his recovery. He knew that he still had a family, different from before, but nonetheless there for him.

His recovery would not have been possible if I had walked away. The support that he had whilst an in-patient played a part in his recovery. Our support coupled with excellent treatment means he has returned to a baseline level of functioning that hasn’t been possible for many years.
I shall continue to be part of his life as long as he is happy for me to do so, as he accepts that there are many aspects of daily living that he just cannot manage. He is also the father of my child, and despite his illness he has been the very best father he could be. His relationship with our son has remained intact and is a positive that he holds onto as something he got right.

[I Am Redeemed]

Family support may be an option if the person is open to and participating in treatment. A person who cannot or will not accept responsibility for his or her disorder and who merely wishes to maintain the status quo with the so as caretaker is most likely not going to improve and the so will most likely continue to be drained and exhausted by the pwBPD.

I struggle with guilt for having to choose between my own well being and the possibility of continuing to maintain close contact in order to try and navigate my uBPDh (separated) towards meaningful treatment. I have to remind myself that if he were to access help and make a sincere effort, I would be supportive. I would also still have to maintain boundaries especially regarding my physical safety, treatment or not, because the risk is too great to not do that.

What I cannot support is ongoing denial, whether in full or in part, of the harm being caused by his behavior. I cannot support his claims of change without accountability. I cannot support minimizing abusive behavior or blaming others. I cannot support his belief that his behavior shouldn't have consequences.

I realize that this disorder, and others, makes it difficult for the person in need of treatment to accept that they need it, and to trust the therapist, and to take responsibility for their own recovery. Because of that, I think many nons may stay in situations that are dysfunctional and unhealthy in hopes of finally convincing (or maybe even forcing) their pwBPD into treatment. But the cost of taking that gamble is great. For nons whose pwBPD behave in violent ways, the clock may run out before the treatment goal is reached (if ever it would be).

Yes, family support may be key in recovery for pwBPD. But the willingness of a non to support a pwBPD cannot, on its own, initiate the recovery process. Other factors must be present for the willingness to support become of value to anyone.

Redeemed

[zachira]

The right kind of family support is important to help a person with BPD get better. I think that perhaps it is key that supporting family members get to a point where they do not care a lot more that the person with BPD does about getting better. Some people will never improve because once they sense that others care more than they do, than there is no motivation to get better. Just speaking from my personal experience of working with people with addictions. Not sure if what I am saying is applicable to people with BPD. What do you think?

[MeandThee29]

The right kind of family support is important to help a person with BPD get better. I think that perhaps it is key that supporting family members get to a point where they do not care a lot more that the person with BPD does about getting better. Some people will never improve because once they sense that others care more than they do, than there is no motivation to get better. Just speaking from my personal experience of working with people with addictions. Not sure if what I am saying is applicable to people with BPD. What do you think?

I agree. I go to a local 12-step group that is helping with my own codependency, and I'm seeing more and more how my enabling was a factor. I first began to realize this when a friend gave me a pamphlet for Al-Anon because she said that I talked about my husband the same way that she used to talk about her alcoholic ex-husband. A year after that, my pwBPD left and tried to commit suicide. We reconciled, but it all unravelled again, and I had to take a hard look at mental illness. A therapist who has been seeing our family for over a decade was the one who first mentioned BPD/NPD to me and how hard it is to treat. She had treated him for aspects of PTSD over a decade ago and saw him briefly after the suicide attempt before he quit.

Yes, family support may have helped, but he still doesn't admit a problem with his thinking. You don't get better unless you admit there is a problem. His family completely denies the mental health aspect and is enabling now. I don't think this will end well, but I'm out of the picture now because I won't reconcile on his terms. It will be on them.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey patientandclear,

To me the key question is: when does providing family support for a pwBPD become a self-destructive endeavor?  Perhaps some can stay grounded in the process; others, like me, may find that, to paraphrase Dante, it becomes a journey into a dark wood with no clear path out. 

I ran myself into the ground physically, emotionally and financially while providing family support to my BPDxW and my children to the point that I exhausted all my resources and hit bottom, which was not fun.  I made plenty of mistakes along the way and discovered that BPD is an incredibly complex disorder.  I'm here to talk about it largely due to two kind friends and a family member who became so concerned that they conducted an intervention on me.

I am uncertain where one draws the line on family support, but offer my story as a cautionary tale of one who went over the line.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

I am uncertain where one draws the line on family support, but offer my story as a cautionary tale of one who went over the line.

I went over the line too. Every counsellor and wise friend has told me that if we reconciled, there would have to be counselling and accountability because of my tendency to let him just mow over me. Building a mutually-focused relationship would be hard. But of course there would be the BPD to deal with too. That's hard enough.

[zachira]

When it comes to providing or not providing family support, it depends on what the relationship and circumstances are. Most parents have unconditional love for their children and not being involved in helping their child with BPD would be difficult. The love in a relationship with a significant other is conditional, and it seems that many of those who stick out a difficult relationship with a partner with BPD do it out of duty, and sometimes based on the love they felt for their partner during the good times and moments. The key to supporting a child or significant other is to not become so emotionally involved that the person with BPD does not feel any need to take some responsibility for their destructive behaviors. Every situation is different, and indeed there are parents who go no contact with their child with BPD and partners who truly love and support their significant other with BPD.