Epiphany and empathy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been very angry over the way uBPD/uNPD H has treated me over the years of our marriage: explosive anger and putting his children by his uNPD X W ahead of me in the marriage.  His children are now all adults and appear to be BPDs or NPDs themselves.  (BPDs and NPDs, if they are not abusing their children physically or emotionally, see their children as extensions of themselves.)

I can see H is projecting his hurt and rage at me.  I am the same race/ethnicity as his X W, so it appears he is still trying to continue a relationship with her through me, or punish her through me.  In a nutshell, H was in the military and his X W (who had affairs he knew of) had a final affair while he was overseas.  When he returned, his W immediately demanded a divorce so she could marry her lover; her lover was also married with children and would be divorcing his wife.   H and his X W were the perfect NPD/borderline couple.

His X W took the children across the country while the divorce went uncontested by H.  Contact with his children was limited to phone calls, letters, e-mails and gifts in the mail, and occasional long distance visits.  His uNPD X got total custody of the children.  He went into a deep depression and began to drink heavily.  Fortunately, he was able to get himself upright and not get kicked out of the military.

I am reading the "Essential Family Guide for BPD" by Randi Kriger and it's a great book.  I am now starting to see exactly what my H is going through.  It must be horrible.  

I know his FOO is a mess.  FIL is uNPD and MIL was an enabler.  FIL is a selfish old man with an undeservedly high opinion of himself.  In all his working days FIL achieved nothing.  In fact, he spent all his extra income on himself for hunting, fishing and playing golf.  He gave his wife nothing in all their decades of married life.  His gift to her was allowing her to clean and cook the game and fish he caught, or sitting alone in the golf clubhouse while he did his 18 holes.  H was the elder son but his sole sibling, a younger brother, was preferred over him.  His father and brother were the best of pals.  Ironically, FIL and BIL are now losers.  FIL lives in poverty and asks H for money all of the time; BIL and his wife are drug addicts and BIL works at the lowest skilled jobs he can be hired for--just enough for him to work his eight hours and go home and do drugs.

I looked at some recent photos of H and my heart was filled with tender compassion.  H was sitting on the couch with one of the cats on his lap and he had the gentlest expression on his face.  H was lovingly petting the cat who was purring and content.  H can be such a love with the pets.  Then again, in a BPD split of rage, H yanked the pillow out from under an aged and sick dog when the dog soiled himself, screaming and cursing at the terrified dog.  (H has never hit any of the pets but his anger startles and frightens them.  This scatter and hide in the house when H dysregulates.)

When I mention the latter incident, H is in denial or embarrassed/guilty over it.  In a fit of rage, H ordered me never to mention it again.   In context, I will not hesitate to mention how he scares the pets.  He knows he does.  

In reality, H adored this old dog and was devastated when we had to put him to sleep, yet H was unable to control his rage against his beloved pet.  And he can't control his rage around me, his wife.

Anyhow, I was listening to some music and this song struck me as the perfect explanation for what my X must be feeling:  Billy Joel's "I Go To Extremes." A lovely tune with a dark interpretation.

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

Darling I don't know why I got to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I got to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I got to extremes

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?


  

[AskingWhy]

I have been very angry over the way uBPD/uNPD H has treated me over the years of our marriage: explosive anger and putting his children by his uNPD X W ahead of me in the marriage.  His children are now all adults and appear to be BPDs or NPDs themselves.  (BPDs and NPDs, if they are not abusing their children physically or emotionally, see their children as extensions of themselves.)

I can see H is projecting his hurt and rage at me.  I am the same race/ethnicity as his X W, so it appears he is still trying to continue a relationship with her through me, or punish her through me.  In a nutshell, H was in the military and his X W (who had affairs he knew of) had a final affair while he was overseas.  When he returned, his W immediately demanded a divorce so she could marry her lover; her lover was also married with children and would be divorcing his wife.   H and his X W were the perfect NPD/borderline couple.

His X W took the children across the country while the divorce went uncontested by H.  Contact with his children was limited to phone calls, letters, e-mails and gifts in the mail, and occasional long distance visits.  His uNPD X got total custody of the children.  He went into a deep depression and began to drink heavily.  Fortunately, he was able to get himself upright and not get kicked out of the military.

I am reading the "Essential Family Guide for BPD" by Randi Kriger and it's a great book.  I am now starting to see exactly what my H is going through.  It must be horrible.  

I know his FOO is a mess.  FIL is uNPD and MIL was an enabler.  FIL is a selfish old man with an undeservedly high opinion of himself.  In all his working days FIL achieved nothing.  In fact, he spent all his extra income on himself for hunting, fishing and playing golf.  He gave his wife nothing in all their decades of married life.  His gift to her was allowing her to clean and cook the game and fish he caught, or sitting alone in the golf clubhouse while he did his 18 holes.  H was the elder son but his sole sibling, a younger brother, was preferred over him.  His father and brother were the best of pals.  Ironically, FIL and BIL are now losers.  FIL lives in poverty and asks H for money all of the time; BIL and his wife are drug addicts and BIL works at the lowest skilled jobs he can be hired for--just enough for him to work his eight hours and go home and do drugs.

I looked at some recent photos of H and my heart was filled with tender compassion.  H was sitting on the couch with one of the cats on his lap and he had the gentlest expression on his face.  H was lovingly petting the cat who was purring and content.  H can be such a love with the pets.  Then again, in a BPD split of rage, H yanked the pillow out from under an aged and sick dog when the dog soiled himself, screaming and cursing at the terrified dog.  (H has never hit any of the pets but his anger startles and frightens them.  This scatter and hide in the house when H dysregulates.)

When I mention the latter incident, H is in denial or embarrassed/guilty over it.  In a fit of rage, H ordered me never to mention it again.   In context, I will not hesitate to mention how he scares the pets.  He knows he does.  

In reality, H adored this old dog and was devastated when we had to put him to sleep, yet H was unable to control his rage against his beloved pet.  And he can't control his rage around me, his wife.

Anyhow, I was listening to some music and this song struck me as the perfect explanation for what my X must be feeling:  Billy Joel's "I Go To Extremes." A lovely tune with a dark interpretation.

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

Darling I don't know why I got to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I got to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I got to extremes

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?


  

[Cat Familiar]

It’s great to be able to have empathy for someone who has been difficult to live with for many years.

It helps when you imagine how uncomfortable they are in their own skin. Still doesn’t make it a lot easier to tolerate some of their behavior. But we can get away from BPD by leaving the house, while they can never get away from the unkind voices in their heads.

[PeteWitsend]

It's so frustrating that they can do this for YEARS and never admit that their behavior is extreme and they need to get help so that they can stop perpetuating the damage done to them on other people.

In the face of overwhelming evidence, the opinions of multiple people they trust (or SHOULD trust), they can still deny the nature of their behavior and its effects on everyone around them.  They can explain why their feelings are so important, and be at a loss as to why someone else might be offended by the same treatment.  ... .and they can actually resent and get angry with someone they hurt, after they go out of their way to hurt that person!  That part really blows my mind.  Like YOU are not allowed to have the feelings they have.

I've learned bits and pieces about my uBPD wife's past that make me want to give her a hug and reassure her I'm there for her and won't abandon her.  Her parents were young when they had her and it sounds like she spent much of her first couple years in a whirlwind of being left with indifferent relatives who didn't care for her, or at home surrounded with parents who were mutually unfaithful to eachother and often drunk.  

And on the other hand, having all too frequently been on the receiving end of a dysregulated tirade, being called absolutely insane, abusive names, constantly being demanded to prove my worth as a husband and father... .tends to make that sympathy evaporate quickly.

And the tension between these emotions is disorienting for me.

I've always been a pretty calm, level headed, objective thinker... .and among the people I've confided these feelings to, always say the same thing: "Never in a million years would I have expected you to be in this situation."

[AskingWhy]

Cat and Pete, developing empathy is the hardest part.  I am still, however, ready to throw in the towel and move on if, at any point, I see I am not to be anyone's punching bag--emotionally or physically.

I know my uBPD H had a rough childhood.  He was not the favored child as his uNPD father made it clear his brother was the golden boy.  To the father and that son, sport was everything.  Guns, rods and reels, and gold clubs were all oned needed in life and careers be darned.  It's interesting that both the father and the brother are losers--having jobs that hardly cover bills as long as there was time to kill a buck or do 18 holes.   The father now lives in poverty and often begs from the only son who made anything of himself.  The BIL works at a low skilled job just enough so he can go home at the end of the day and get stoned.  H's mother was an enabler who thought the world of her cruel husband, and yet protected H from much of the abuse and validated him on occasion--though not enough to spare him from BPD.

"Always second best" is often a feature of male BPDs.

Having a horrid childhood is no excuse to treat a spouse poorly.  Heck, I had a horrible childhood, too, but I don't rage at my H and threaten divorce every time we disagree.

I know what you mean by, "Never in a million years would I have expected you to be in this situation."  I went into this marriage with the illusion of love and sanity that my husband presented to me.  Like the proverbial boiled frog, here I am 20 years later and in agony.

 

[Cat Familiar]

Cat and Pete, developing empathy is the hardest part.  I am still, however, ready to throw in the towel and move on if, at any point, I see I am not to be anyone's punching bag--emotionally or physically.

Empathy can be a slippery slope if we tolerate unkind behavior because we understand that our partner had a difficult upbringing. And knowing that they haven't developed adult coping skills, we can cut them some slack, but this becomes problematic too if we set the bar too low. It's really unfortunate what they've endured in their childhood, but now they're adults and it is appropriate to expect some effort toward behaving as such. "Trying" counts and that's how our boundaries help us--if we hold tight to our boundaries, they're likely to try new strategies when the old ones no longer work for them. If we don't tolerate abuse, then we are at a choice point: stay or leave.