I want to share my personal list (of red flags) to you

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Introduction:
In January my life was a total mess after the b/u with SO, who I would now consider as a pwBPD. I could not wrap my head around what the hell happened until I found this holy site and its great users! I am in NC for six months and a bit and out of the “relationship” (was more a FWB with on and off for 5 months) since December/January and still can’t figure everything out, because not everything makes complete sense, even after reading and analyzing a lot about her behavior. Her behavior was possibly driven by her BPD and I would say now that she was a Quiet BPD/Borderline Waif, in my opinion the most dangerous and vindictive type of BPD in my opinion. I must say that as great as this site is, I think it lacks a clear and complete list of red flags of a Quiet BPD/Waif. As a thank you and as that all my effort in research, reading and analyzing about the Waif shall not be useless, I want to share my personal list to you. The first two parts will be a red flag list about the behavior, thoughts and mindset of a Quiet BPD. The third part about the effects on your wellbeing will come later (maybe until tomorrow in a new post, which link I will post in the comments).
Please consider that I am not a psychologist and that she is undiagnosed. The following red flag list is based on my experience and the experience of others on the internet. The red flags solely relate to women with BPD, but may as well be comprehensible with male BPDs. Feel free to share your experiences and add your own personal red flags. Of course I have more examples of the experienced behavior, but if I would have written anything that comes to my mind, I would be writing until New Year’s Eve. If you want to have more examples or more explanations, please comment or PM me.
Have a nice day!

Red Flags of a quiet BPD/ Waif
1. The professional victim: Everyone has treated her so bad and everybody has left her, but it would be fine, if I would do the same.  She always needed me or my help, sometimes for ridiculous things. Seven months after she told me she never wanted to see me again and that she hates me,  she wanted me to control her grammar for a job application.  
2. She is never at fault or guilty – always the others are bad: Her grades, her behavior, her feelings, her actions, her reactions, everything was everyone elses fault, but not hers.
3. Always negative: Would often see no hope and had nothing good about anyone to say. She always pointed their flaws out. Why? Because why could she seesomething good in others, when she can not find it in herself?
4. Only complains: Always about how bad her day is, how much her back hurts, how much she misses me, how she hates her class,  how bad her relationships were, etc.
5. Projection: Accuses you of things and failures she has herself. Not her friends are people haters, she is. Not I only saw the flaws in you and tried everything to not love me, you did. I have more than fifteen examples, just ask me, if you want to learn more about projection.
6. Gaslighting: Some things just did not happen, even my friends and I saw them. We lied and imagined them. Aha.
7. Manipulation: Would always play the victim and lure me back into the relationship with tearful statuses and constantly jealousy making. She would make me to forget my principles and lose out of sight who I really was and who she really was. That is too large and too complicated to explain in this list, but feel free to comment or to PM me!
8. Hypersexuality and promiscuity: She would even make a guy horny via Snapchat, she does not even find attractive and would make out and ___ with everyone. Even her “best” friend said this about her.
9. No moral compass: She would just act as she likes it. She would not follow any principles or any rational reasons, she would just look at her own benefit at the momentand would not even remember she said or acted differently in the past.  
10. No sense of self or any idea about it: She had no f*cking clue, who she was, she just could not describe it or get a hand on it.
11. Selfhate: She often said that she hated herself, everything, but she does not show  it to anyone.
12. Depression: Had huge problems to get out of bed and would often cry and be sad and negative and could not see any positive in her or her life.  
13. No insight or self-reflection: She said, if she would analyze herself, she would get huge depressions.
14. Childlike-Behavior: Cute, childlike voice, had a favorite seat in a train, wanted to win on a tournament, felt bad, when other let her win, liked huge teddybears and wanted me to buy one. Wanted always to be taken care of like a child, but had nothing to offer in return.
15. Using of other people: Would take advantage of everyone, barely could do anything on her one.
16. Other people as a substitute parent: Does not want to go alone to the doctor, wants to be comforted and solaced and be loved unconditionally.
17. Financially  and emotionally Parasite – Will suck your life out like a vampire: Would always lure or manipulate other guys into paying for her with her childlike innocence, her beauty and her victim mentality.
18. Paranoid thoughts: Everyone leaves her alone, excludes her from the group, laugh about or badmouth her
19. Lies to support and hide their agenda: Of course, she is not interested in that guy or had anything with him. Of course she will never forget and always love you and a few days later...
20. Lies to hurt and destroy you: Would say about me that I stalk her in the nearest  supermarket of me she is working in eventhough I have been there 2 times in 3 months and the other time avoided seeing her. Would lie to me that she ___ed another dude she would not even like, who was better in bed than me.
21. Talking about problems and reaching out for help, but refusing to actually get help: “I need help in English, but I don’t want any tips now.”
22. Would even tell that she never asked for help and that I only focused on her problems: But did I have a choice, when all she talks about are negative things in her life?
23. Vindictive: She would say that she never loved me, she found a new guy ,with whom she has no problems, that she only sees the negative in me, would block me everywhere, would tell me that she has changed and that it was my fault that her life was bad and that she was unhappy and that she is happy now she cut me off her life completely. All her problems were gone and she would even smile at me while saying that. She did not want to see me or hear from me ever again and she hates me with every part of her soul.
24. Seeking acceptance and tolerance of her person and her behavior, but not improvement to better herself and her life
25. All her exes are abusive, stalkers, manipulative, who messed around with her: Eventhough I wanted to be different, I became the same magically.  
26. Nasty about loved ones and friends: Would accuse others of things she is herself, e.g. her best friend and her sister were people haters.
27. Black and White thinking: I was loved or hated, her “best” friend too and other people in her life shared our same faith.
28. Suddenly change between idealization and devaluation: One wrong action or one accusation because of her bad behavior and I was the most evil person on earth since the devil.  
29. Can switch feelings and emotions for a person just off
30. Probably eating disorder and/or overweight: One time she was so depressed that she barely ate and wanted to puke on purpose.
31. Only a few shallow friendships, but no  best or really close friend
32. Is quick to see others as best friends or friends, even if you would not define them as such: Guys, with whom she does not have any contact with, personally or over whatsapp, were friends.  After one month she would often declare others as best friends.
33. Stonewalling: Would decline to  talk about themes or go to sleep.
34. The crazy smirk: Would smile happily, when she has hurt you or made you jealous.
35.Façade and acting in front of friends and in the public: With you she would always be highly depressive and negative and even mean and with others she was always happy, friendly and in a really good mood.
36. She seems to be more than one person: Mr.Jekyll and Dr. Hyde and the normal and happy  façade she wears in public.
37. Mood swings from happy to suicidal very quick
38. Fear of abandonment: Can appear even after two weeks of contact.
39. Fear of closeness: Has told me that she is afraid to be hurt again and on a status on whatsapp she basically said that she wants love, but does not want to let anybody to close.
40. Grandiosity after breakup: Would be the most  cheerful and happy person on earth after b/u.
41. Claims to have changed after breakup and giving you all the fault for how things were and for her behavior and feelings: When she lost her feelings, it was because of my actions or even my words.
42. Seems to be a whole new person after breakup
43. Hates to talk about the past and her childhood, which was probably full of abuse. Would always defend her mother: Her father yelled at her mother while driving that she would never ever drive again. And I highly doubt it that this was his one and only rage. I met her father once and I was really afraid of him. Normally I am not the slightest afraid of anybody, because I get along with many people, but this guy looked like psychopath to me. Empty eyes, dark eye sacks, old clothes, unkempt and a scary and mean look on his face.
44. Alcohol abuse in the past or present
45. Hurtful sarcastic comments: Would laugh about me asking me if I gained weight, but would brag about me a few months later that I was too thin for her.
46. Fear to be alone: She often said that she does not want to be alone and always came back to me, no matter how hurtful I was in her eyes. And her actual behavior is proof to that fear to be alone: She makes out with everyone and is returning to her abusive ex. But she told me that she does not want to know new guys, because they only want sex and that she wants to look after real love. And that she needs a break of guys. Of course.
47. Often feelings of loneliness and emptiness
48. Can cut people cut off her life completely in a blink of an eye- No object constancy: Not just me, her “best” friend, another female friend of hers, dudes, etc.  Her sister already told me that she does that really often.  
49. Can only see the negatives in people without any good reason and paint them black
50. Can not trust anybody
51. Fear of negative judgement of others: Would constantly ask, what I was telling my friends about her and what they would say about her and  what my mother thinks. Jesus, the only one in my life she does not wanted to know her opinion about was probably my cat.
52. Controlling and overprotective parents: Her parents would ask her out, what I would do, what my parents do, where I am from etc. Would ask her all the time, where she is at, with whom and when she is returning home. She would always lie being with me, even to her sister sometimes, and would say that she meets with a female friend of hers.
53. Sexually and physically abused, sometimes even by family members: Was beaten up by her brother in childhood, was raped by an exFWB. But that was perhaps a lie.
54. Isolates herself and sometimes does not talk to anybody: Would sometimes not speak to anybody in class until she was home.  
55. Cries without reason very often or cries about stupid things: One time that was crazy. She would say to me, she would be sad and cry at the moment, then she would send a bear and a rabbit smiley and would be obsessive of how cute they were and then she would tell me that she wanted to ___ me and suck me out. And this all happened in ca. 15 minutes.
56.  Vaginal pain during sex, crying after or during sex
57. Actions do not seem to match her words: Saying one thing, doing the other or even the opposite
58. Secretive: Would never be clear about how her relationship is with other guys, made me anxious and jealous.
59. Tries to make others jealous constantly: Would constantly say how cute this or that guy looks. Would tell me to go away, because a friend of her is coming to the club soon.  
60. Constantly needs the approval and validation of other males: Constantly flirting: Would even talk or flirt with guys she does not even find attractive.  
61. Ignores, refuses to speak to them and even avoids eye contact to self-made villains of the past: Assassination of your character and your meaning for her
62. To  me absolutely no gratitude or thankfulness: Could not even say thank you after I bought her food or tried to help with many problems. But she said that I was the only one who thinks that she does not show gratitude.  
63. Suicidal tendencies: After one of our first breakups she said that she thinks about killing herself. Perfect timing, I could not leave her alone without feeling guilty my whole life.
64. Selfmutilation through accidents caused by no self-awareness: Would nearly break her leg by falling over a bag, would fall against a heater or run against an open dishwasher.In psychology there are no accidents: Probably she is not self-aware and highly dissociative.  
65. Ignorance about what happens with herself and her body
66. Always physical complaints: Headache, backache, colds, hardcore PMS
67. Would often use pain killers, especially after alcoholic abuse
68. Control freak: Would always call  me on her way home so she feels secure, but probably was to check if I was with other girls.
69. Caused fears of pregnancy- period is nearly always too late
70.  Sleeping problems, which you could recognize in her eye bags: Often had problems to fall asleep or stay asleep and could sometimes sleep easily 10  hours. Would be tired all the time.
71. Refusing or postponing to go to a doctor: Got to know eachother in August  and she already complained about backaches and she need to go to a professional. 5 months later she said the same to me and in the 5 months nearly every week the same.
72. Guilt trips and FOG: I would recommend the website out of the fog because it is too much to explain here.  I felt obligated to love her, because she was so poor and such a victim and she loved me so much, so I was obligated to at least try to love her.  
73. Loves guys, who are hurting her and abandoning her: Would return to her “Ex”, who left her for two girls and played games with her. Would love me most, when I treated her not so well.
74. Highly impulsive – does not think about the consequences, because it does not matter to her, how the others are: She even admitted to me that she does not give a single f*ck  and looks after her luck only.
75.  Highly egoistic -only focused on her well-being
76. Can develop feeling for another one, while still in a relationship: She said that when she would be in a relationship with another guy,  she would be aware to not meet me too often, because she could fall in love with me.  
77. Solely lives in the here and now and for the moment
78. Can’t accept failures or say sorry - if she does it, it serves her purpose: She would say sorry for a real  sh*tty behavior and the next morning she said that she is not sorry and I forced her into the apology and it was my fault she behaved this way.  
79. Makes others responsible for her actions, reactions, feelings and emotions: See Point 1: Nothing was in her responsibility.
80. Sex as a manipulative tool for her agenda: When she would had shown up unacceptable behavior she would come over to seduce and ___ me, so I would forgive her and forget her sh*tty behavior, which she could not rationally explain. That also provided trauma bonding for me unfortunately. Fun Fact: Later she comp

[guilttripped9000]

Introduction:
In January my life was a total mess after the b/u with SO, who I would now consider as a pwBPD. I could not wrap my head around what the hell happened until I found this holy site and its great users! I am in NC for six months and a bit and out of the “relationship” (was more a FWB with on and off for 5 months) since December/January and still can’t figure everything out, because not everything makes complete sense, even after reading and analyzing a lot about her behavior. Her behavior was possibly driven by her BPD and I would say now that she was a Quiet BPD/Borderline Waif, in my opinion the most dangerous and vindictive type of BPD in my opinion. I must say that as great as this site is, I think it lacks a clear and complete list of red flags of a Quiet BPD/Waif. As a thank you and as that all my effort in research, reading and analyzing about the Waif shall not be useless, I want to share my personal list to you. The first two parts will be a red flag list about the behavior, thoughts and mindset of a Quiet BPD. The third part about the effects on your wellbeing will come later (maybe until tomorrow in a new post, which link I will post in the comments).
Please consider that I am not a psychologist and that she is undiagnosed. The following red flag list is based on my experience and the experience of others on the internet. The red flags solely relate to women with BPD, but may as well be comprehensible with male BPDs. Feel free to share your experiences and add your own personal red flags. Of course I have more examples of the experienced behavior, but if I would have written anything that comes to my mind, I would be writing until New Year’s Eve. If you want to have more examples or more explanations, please comment or PM me.
Have a nice day!

Red Flags of a quiet BPD/ Waif
1. The professional victim: Everyone has treated her so bad and everybody has left her, but it would be fine, if I would do the same.  She always needed me or my help, sometimes for ridiculous things. Seven months after she told me she never wanted to see me again and that she hates me,  she wanted me to control her grammar for a job application.  
2. She is never at fault or guilty – always the others are bad: Her grades, her behavior, her feelings, her actions, her reactions, everything was everyone elses fault, but not hers.
3. Always negative: Would often see no hope and had nothing good about anyone to say. She always pointed their flaws out. Why? Because why could she seesomething good in others, when she can not find it in herself?
4. Only complains: Always about how bad her day is, how much her back hurts, how much she misses me, how she hates her class,  how bad her relationships were, etc.
5. Projection: Accuses you of things and failures she has herself. Not her friends are people haters, she is. Not I only saw the flaws in you and tried everything to not love me, you did. I have more than fifteen examples, just ask me, if you want to learn more about projection.
6. Gaslighting: Some things just did not happen, even my friends and I saw them. We lied and imagined them. Aha.
7. Manipulation: Would always play the victim and lure me back into the relationship with tearful statuses and constantly jealousy making. She would make me to forget my principles and lose out of sight who I really was and who she really was. That is too large and too complicated to explain in this list, but feel free to comment or to PM me!
8. Hypersexuality and promiscuity: She would even make a guy horny via Snapchat, she does not even find attractive and would make out and ___ with everyone. Even her “best” friend said this about her.
9. No moral compass: She would just act as she likes it. She would not follow any principles or any rational reasons, she would just look at her own benefit at the momentand would not even remember she said or acted differently in the past.  
10. No sense of self or any idea about it: She had no f*cking clue, who she was, she just could not describe it or get a hand on it.
11. Selfhate: She often said that she hated herself, everything, but she does not show  it to anyone.
12. Depression: Had huge problems to get out of bed and would often cry and be sad and negative and could not see any positive in her or her life.  
13. No insight or self-reflection: She said, if she would analyze herself, she would get huge depressions.
14. Childlike-Behavior: Cute, childlike voice, had a favorite seat in a train, wanted to win on a tournament, felt bad, when other let her win, liked huge teddybears and wanted me to buy one. Wanted always to be taken care of like a child, but had nothing to offer in return.
15. Using of other people: Would take advantage of everyone, barely could do anything on her one.
16. Other people as a substitute parent: Does not want to go alone to the doctor, wants to be comforted and solaced and be loved unconditionally.
17. Financially  and emotionally Parasite – Will suck your life out like a vampire: Would always lure or manipulate other guys into paying for her with her childlike innocence, her beauty and her victim mentality.
18. Paranoid thoughts: Everyone leaves her alone, excludes her from the group, laugh about or badmouth her
19. Lies to support and hide their agenda: Of course, she is not interested in that guy or had anything with him. Of course she will never forget and always love you and a few days later...
20. Lies to hurt and destroy you: Would say about me that I stalk her in the nearest  supermarket of me she is working in eventhough I have been there 2 times in 3 months and the other time avoided seeing her. Would lie to me that she ___ed another dude she would not even like, who was better in bed than me.
21. Talking about problems and reaching out for help, but refusing to actually get help: “I need help in English, but I don’t want any tips now.”
22. Would even tell that she never asked for help and that I only focused on her problems: But did I have a choice, when all she talks about are negative things in her life?
23. Vindictive: She would say that she never loved me, she found a new guy ,with whom she has no problems, that she only sees the negative in me, would block me everywhere, would tell me that she has changed and that it was my fault that her life was bad and that she was unhappy and that she is happy now she cut me off her life completely. All her problems were gone and she would even smile at me while saying that. She did not want to see me or hear from me ever again and she hates me with every part of her soul.
24. Seeking acceptance and tolerance of her person and her behavior, but not improvement to better herself and her life
25. All her exes are abusive, stalkers, manipulative, who messed around with her: Eventhough I wanted to be different, I became the same magically.  
26. Nasty about loved ones and friends: Would accuse others of things she is herself, e.g. her best friend and her sister were people haters.
27. Black and White thinking: I was loved or hated, her “best” friend too and other people in her life shared our same faith.
28. Suddenly change between idealization and devaluation: One wrong action or one accusation because of her bad behavior and I was the most evil person on earth since the devil.  
29. Can switch feelings and emotions for a person just off
30. Probably eating disorder and/or overweight: One time she was so depressed that she barely ate and wanted to puke on purpose.
31. Only a few shallow friendships, but no  best or really close friend
32. Is quick to see others as best friends or friends, even if you would not define them as such: Guys, with whom she does not have any contact with, personally or over whatsapp, were friends.  After one month she would often declare others as best friends.
33. Stonewalling: Would decline to  talk about themes or go to sleep.
34. The crazy smirk: Would smile happily, when she has hurt you or made you jealous.
35.Façade and acting in front of friends and in the public: With you she would always be highly depressive and negative and even mean and with others she was always happy, friendly and in a really good mood.
36. She seems to be more than one person: Mr.Jekyll and Dr. Hyde and the normal and happy  façade she wears in public.
37. Mood swings from happy to suicidal very quick
38. Fear of abandonment: Can appear even after two weeks of contact.
39. Fear of closeness: Has told me that she is afraid to be hurt again and on a status on whatsapp she basically said that she wants love, but does not want to let anybody to close.
40. Grandiosity after breakup: Would be the most  cheerful and happy person on earth after b/u.
41. Claims to have changed after breakup and giving you all the fault for how things were and for her behavior and feelings: When she lost her feelings, it was because of my actions or even my words.
42. Seems to be a whole new person after breakup
43. Hates to talk about the past and her childhood, which was probably full of abuse. Would always defend her mother: Her father yelled at her mother while driving that she would never ever drive again. And I highly doubt it that this was his one and only rage. I met her father once and I was really afraid of him. Normally I am not the slightest afraid of anybody, because I get along with many people, but this guy looked like psychopath to me. Empty eyes, dark eye sacks, old clothes, unkempt and a scary and mean look on his face.
44. Alcohol abuse in the past or present
45. Hurtful sarcastic comments: Would laugh about me asking me if I gained weight, but would brag about me a few months later that I was too thin for her.
46. Fear to be alone: She often said that she does not want to be alone and always came back to me, no matter how hurtful I was in her eyes. And her actual behavior is proof to that fear to be alone: She makes out with everyone and is returning to her abusive ex. But she told me that she does not want to know new guys, because they only want sex and that she wants to look after real love. And that she needs a break of guys. Of course.
47. Often feelings of loneliness and emptiness
48. Can cut people cut off her life completely in a blink of an eye- No object constancy: Not just me, her “best” friend, another female friend of hers, dudes, etc.  Her sister already told me that she does that really often.  
49. Can only see the negatives in people without any good reason and paint them black
50. Can not trust anybody
51. Fear of negative judgement of others: Would constantly ask, what I was telling my friends about her and what they would say about her and  what my mother thinks. Jesus, the only one in my life she does not wanted to know her opinion about was probably my cat.
52. Controlling and overprotective parents: Her parents would ask her out, what I would do, what my parents do, where I am from etc. Would ask her all the time, where she is at, with whom and when she is returning home. She would always lie being with me, even to her sister sometimes, and would say that she meets with a female friend of hers.
53. Sexually and physically abused, sometimes even by family members: Was beaten up by her brother in childhood, was raped by an exFWB. But that was perhaps a lie.
54. Isolates herself and sometimes does not talk to anybody: Would sometimes not speak to anybody in class until she was home.  
55. Cries without reason very often or cries about stupid things: One time that was crazy. She would say to me, she would be sad and cry at the moment, then she would send a bear and a rabbit smiley and would be obsessive of how cute they were and then she would tell me that she wanted to ___ me and suck me out. And this all happened in ca. 15 minutes.
56.  Vaginal pain during sex, crying after or during sex
57. Actions do not seem to match her words: Saying one thing, doing the other or even the opposite
58. Secretive: Would never be clear about how her relationship is with other guys, made me anxious and jealous.
59. Tries to make others jealous constantly: Would constantly say how cute this or that guy looks. Would tell me to go away, because a friend of her is coming to the club soon.  
60. Constantly needs the approval and validation of other males: Constantly flirting: Would even talk or flirt with guys she does not even find attractive.  
61. Ignores, refuses to speak to them and even avoids eye contact to self-made villains of the past: Assassination of your character and your meaning for her
62. To  me absolutely no gratitude or thankfulness: Could not even say thank you after I bought her food or tried to help with many problems. But she said that I was the only one who thinks that she does not show gratitude.  
63. Suicidal tendencies: After one of our first breakups she said that she thinks about killing herself. Perfect timing, I could not leave her alone without feeling guilty my whole life.
64. Selfmutilation through accidents caused by no self-awareness: Would nearly break her leg by falling over a bag, would fall against a heater or run against an open dishwasher.In psychology there are no accidents: Probably she is not self-aware and highly dissociative.  
65. Ignorance about what happens with herself and her body
66. Always physical complaints: Headache, backache, colds, hardcore PMS
67. Would often use pain killers, especially after alcoholic abuse
68. Control freak: Would always call  me on her way home so she feels secure, but probably was to check if I was with other girls.
69. Caused fears of pregnancy- period is nearly always too late
70.  Sleeping problems, which you could recognize in her eye bags: Often had problems to fall asleep or stay asleep and could sometimes sleep easily 10  hours. Would be tired all the time.
71. Refusing or postponing to go to a doctor: Got to know eachother in August  and she already complained about backaches and she need to go to a professional. 5 months later she said the same to me and in the 5 months nearly every week the same.
72. Guilt trips and FOG: I would recommend the website out of the fog because it is too much to explain here.  I felt obligated to love her, because she was so poor and such a victim and she loved me so much, so I was obligated to at least try to love her.  
73. Loves guys, who are hurting her and abandoning her: Would return to her “Ex”, who left her for two girls and played games with her. Would love me most, when I treated her not so well.
74. Highly impulsive – does not think about the consequences, because it does not matter to her, how the others are: She even admitted to me that she does not give a single f*ck  and looks after her luck only.
75.  Highly egoistic -only focused on her well-being
76. Can develop feeling for another one, while still in a relationship: She said that when she would be in a relationship with another guy,  she would be aware to not meet me too often, because she could fall in love with me.  
77. Solely lives in the here and now and for the moment
78. Can’t accept failures or say sorry - if she does it, it serves her purpose: She would say sorry for a real  sh*tty behavior and the next morning she said that she is not sorry and I forced her into the apology and it was my fault she behaved this way.  
79. Makes others responsible for her actions, reactions, feelings and emotions: See Point 1: Nothing was in her responsibility.
80. Sex as a manipulative tool for her agenda: When she would had shown up unacceptable behavior she would come over to seduce and ___ me, so I would forgive her and forget her sh*tty behavior, which she could not rationally explain. That also provided trauma bonding for me unfortunately. Fun Fact: Later she comp

[guilttripped9000]

81. Wants to make everything everytime with you at the beginning – really oppressive and affectionate
82. Too much too soon: Blowjob in public and talking about her issues after two hours, herself asking me for a relationship after 13 days, everyone thought we are together after a week
83. Sex in public: Gave me a blowjob at a friends house, wanted to make me horny while others were sitting next to us, etc.
84. Belittling the feeling and bad situation of others: Would not accept others feelings. Would often talk about how bad she feels and that she is even worse than me.
85.  She can live on as the loved person has never existed or everything was worthless and bad, what the person did to her
86. Can not give or accept any compliments
87. Can not talk about feelings and why she feels the way she does
88.Believes in magic or superstition
89. Thinks that you can not interpret or analyze anyones behavior – would not even believe a therapist, if he tells her that she is mentally ill: She is only ill, if herself thinks so: In her mind I nearly gave her borderline, because I talked her into believing it.
90. Shallow conversations and talks, but nearly nothing meaningful or deep
91.Is not interested in history or politics, because they are not about her
92. Suddenly changes of goalposts: Sometimes she wanted a FwB, an affair, a relationship, a friendship. Would change  nearly every week/month. One day I was often sweet, the other day I was not often enough sweet, then I was a f**got  and then I was a crawler.
93. Would report you tot he police:  I said I would inform others about her bad behavior and she said she would likely  report me to the police then for it. 
94. Would let you be seen as a bad person, worse than the devil: Really badmouthing you, even though you always wanted the best for her, defended her in front of your friends and did everything to make her happy or content with life.
95. Would forget about all your good intentions
96. Often cuts contact and blocks you, just to come back a few days, a few weeks, a few months or even years later: Always charming, but not because she wants you, it is more because, she wants something from you.  She does not want to help you, she wants to use you to help her – nothing more.
97. Seems to sympathize with villains of your past: She could understand my abusive narcissistic ex and said that I should change and not she and my ex. Probably she sympathizes with her, because she thought I would also tell lies about her exes like she does it all the time. 
98. Was bullied and treated badly in middle school
99. Was often left and abandoned by others – Has lost lots of friends:
100. Vanishes or disappears without saying something: She said that we should meet then and there and poof she was away. I would help her searching her friend, she would be gone and never come back. 
101. Can be really cute and charismatic
102. Really seductive in the bedroom or while dancing: Would  make you horny and then turn away and dance on on her own.
103. Not polite, especially not to your friends: Would not say hello, goodbye or even thank you for driving her home. Would rarely speak to them or ask anything. All my friends hated her. 
104. Tries to isolate you from your friends: Very subtly, would act sh*tty to them and would tell me that they can’t give me any advice about my situation with her, because they would not know her. Would brag about that they do not like her, even though it was  her fault obviously. 
105. Sometimes really warm and nice, sometimes cold as ice: Sometimes changed in one day or a few minutes after you said something nasty to her, which was truly justified.
106. Everybody warns you, even people who only know 5% of the whole picture
107. Everyone is against her in her mind: Nobody is interested in her well-being. Other people are guilty that she is not interested in other people
108. Demands to be a people-pleaser,  who wants to make others happy everytime - but destroys you
109.Highly likely to have a social profession, like educator or kindergarten teacher: They want to help others to feel better, more useful and to distract themselves from their non-existent inner core. Google the studies.
110. Double standards:  Criticizing for things she does herself: Said I was unforgiving because I could not forget a sh*tty behavior of yesterday, while she keeps bragging about a mistake I made months ago.
111. Highly obsessive: Always talks to her friends about you until she gets on their nerves: Would always talk about, what I did wrong until to the point other people did not care anymore. After four days of knowing me she would talk about me so good on her birthday, that most people there (whom she had no contact with after) were surprised that we did not come together.
112. No rationality: Would make guys horny, which made her puke the next morning.
113. Sometimes mental breakdowns
114. Incredibly good at acting: Everybody would think that she is totally normal, has it together and overall a happy life.
115. Hates to kiss in public: Probably because of the upcoming lower interest of other potential lovers:
116. Will solely talk about herself and not be interested in you as a person: Mine said she would be very interested in me, but would not know, what to ask about me or my life.
117.Hates to be in the focus of many people: She is always acting and mirroring the people she is speaking to. As she does not know, who she is and often forgets how she acted, it must be extremely stressful to interact to many people at the same time because she does not act the same everytime and is at high risk to be exposed.
118. Mirroring
119. Really bad memory: Could not even remember what I am studying, but wanted to be together with me. Say what?
120. Emotional memory loss: Can be also considered maybe as gaslighting in some cases. Mine would even refuse she would have wrote some things in the chat, which were in front of my nose. Or she would say on day 1 she loves me, day 2 she is not sure about her feelings on day 4 I should accept that she loves me and at day 13 or so that she does not love me anymore. And I was acting quite stable and normal and good to her and did not give her real reason to suddenly lose love for me.
121.  Often critical and negative about other guys: They are too fat, too thin, from Turkey, only want to ___ her: Their dick is their brain. Funny how she would ___ that dude from Turkey after our b/u, who was not even her type. She has ridiculous standards with guys, who can change in a few weeks or months. 
122. Always criticize you: Your hair style, your bag, your trousers, the way you move, nearly everything. But lucky you: She loves you so much, even if you have so many failures obviously.
123. She said that it seems like as we would know eachother forever after only two weeks -soulmate status very early
124. Uses and spends time with everyone, no matter, if she liked them or they are her type or not
125.  Makes you feel like you are the only and best guy in the world and her white knight, who must save her: I was the only one, who could make her smile in the last months. All the other guys were bad and I wanted to prove to her that I am and guys in general are better and trustful and I wanted to save her and make her life in general better, because she was treated so poorly. Too bad she was treated bad probably, because of her own sh*tty behavior.
126. She needs a controlled daily routine: Can be in combination with other factors a sign of a mental illness, because autists, sociopaths like BPD or NPD need  it. 
127. Demands sometimes to be so broken that she can not even help or handle herself: Consider this as a warning. When she even can’t handle herself, why could you do it?
128. Really often on the smartphone and often takes selfies: Constant need for approval, admiration and distraction.
129. Highly sociable: Has something to do everytime todistract herself: Needs constant distraction. It does not matter, who she spends her time with. People are objects to her, who have the solely purpose to make her feel better about herself and to  distract her from her empty soul. People are there for a purpose and for her fun and her happiness (her solely purpose in life). She does not give a f*ck abot them. After her last “best” friend left her, because she was nasty about him with her brother, she did not contact himfor two  weeks and possibly until now.
130. Your gut feeling is worse than ever, but you don’t know why: You know that you should run for the hills, that she is bad for you and you will lose yourself. But you won’t believe you, she is so innocent, so cute and she was played so bad with that she could never turn away from you.  How could a person, which was hurt so bad, treat you so badly?  Seriously, how?
131. You have to explain basic human emotions and behaviors as she acts like a five year old: She won’t understand, why you are hurt or are jealous, because she does not have sympathy for you and your feelings. Her empathy ends when it is not about hurting you. She knows your weaker spots and will hit on it with a machine gun, until you are a shell of your former self. She will neither respect your boundaries, nor will  she stop hurting you.
132. Stalks or has tendencies to stalk: She would even add a girl on snapchat  I had an ONS with. Wanted to activate the Snapmap on my smartphone. Wanted to come to my house after it was all over two times and another time to a party I was with my friends. Four days after she told me how much she misses me, I just visit her because I was in town. She then called me a stalker for it. Jesus Christ, these women change your standards and your thoughts and principles of “normal” behavior completely.
133. No boundaries: Even after it was all over, she would contact me every single time, sometimes to just inform me about a closed road or about the food in our favorite restaurant.
134. Relationship as a power struggle: One time after it was all over again, she told me that it was now my turn to fight for her.
135. One wrong move and her feelings are gone: This made me walking on eggshells: One wrong sentence, one time criticizing her behavior too often and poof, she and her feelings were gone and she would hate me.   
136. She warns you of herself: Be really aware of this. If a woman responds to you with the sentence ”No, you really  do not want a relationship  with me.”, you should run my friend.
137. Moments of clarity: She would accept sometimes that her behavior  was hurtful and vindictive and that I should break contact with her, because I was so happy before I was drawn to  her negative.
138. Relates everything to herself, sometimes narcissistic: She said she must be treated like a queen and referred even a number plate of a car to herself or the letters on my shirt. 
139. Can’t have closure with guys she loved or other past issues:  She would just shut it off and “forget” it, but if something triggers her, it would destroy her: Would have a mental breakdown a year after she was bullied, because somebody said something about it. Would be seriously hurt and pissed, if one talked about her abusive ex or even said his name. Would be pissed if I played a song, which reminded her of him. No indifference or closure. 
140. Jealousy, but often covert: She said that she was constantly jealous, but she would not show it.
141. Very few rages, which were out of proportion: Would jell at her sister, because of she opened a package for her and would jell so loud at a girl, which drove badly in the snow that this girl “probably never drive again with her in the same car”.
142. Her friends have not really anything good to say about her and sometimes even stand on your side more or less: Often her friends would say that she was stupid to leave me and that they really liked me even after all the “disgusting” I had done to  her. Her friends would not understand, how they find me so kind and nice and my ex only has to say negative things about me.
143. She says you interpret or analyze too much and she is not as you think she is and all your critic on her behavior is wrong – only to have changed magically all these aspects after the breakup: Vindictive and Gaslighting at its finest. She even wanted totell me that she could not change because of the fights we had. But we had fights because of her behavior, which she denied and said that she does not behave this way.
144. Lowers your standards and boundaries constantly: She said that I have too high standards and nobody will give this to me, what I expect. And she said my picture of being in  love is highly unrealistic. Was constantly wearing my feelings and my dreams down.
145. Villains of her past are still  in her contact list on her phone and in social media: Absolutely makes no sense keeping a guy in her contact list, who raped her.
146. Is not helpful or willing to help, when you are down-your problems are even a burden for her: Yes, she said that to me. Even complained that I write to her when I was down, because she was doing good and does not want to destroy it. Told me that she never wrote to me, when she was down. Of course not, my whole purpose was to help her out, but no, she never asked for help.
147. You are made responsible for her happiness and well-being: Told me that I was the only one in the last few months, who could make her smile.
148. The sex is too good to be true: Highly sexual and active in the bedroom
149. Controlling behavior through bonding on bed and blindfolding
150. Buys you presents or tries to please you with her looks – wears what you like 
151. Smear campaign against you
152. Tries to create pity over whatsapp statuses, which can be seen as a charming attempt
153. She does not remember some of her actions, thinks they were normal, repress them or make others responsible for them: No change in sight
154. You feel sometimes a sense of relief or freedom, if she drives home and you have time for yourself again
155. Loves to wear your clothes after being in bed together: Creates a special bond probaby.
156. Loves to drive fast and rages on the road
157. Tries to hurt you via Social Media: Wants to  make you jealous, is secretive in chats or puts pictures online with two possible interpretations.
158. Wants to look through your phone to see who is chatting with you
159. You are afraid to say no: You can hurt her so easy and she is often cute like a child that is easier to do something with her than to decline.
160. Twisted words and word salad
161. Always had a guilty conscience: “I dated this guy because I felt guilty for his wellbeing.” ”I only wanted to date you because of my guilty conscience.”
162. Always repeats the same mistakes of her past because of her inability to learn
163. Push-Pull-Behavior: When we had great sex, she suddenly had to leave earlier. When I loved her and wanted her really, she was gone.
164. You become a push-puller yourself, even if you were the most loyal guy in the past: You yourself will want a relationship with her one minute and the other minute just want her to vanish into thin air.
165. You become a different person and lose everything: She will become your whole purpose in your life and you will become so obsessed that you lose friends after time and hobbies and everything that used to make fun, because she is like a drug that took over your whole life and became your only source of happiness, because she destroyed your own sense of self and your own life.
166. Dark and lifeless eyes
167. Love and hate, but no indifference: She is still not over me, because she talks about me badly and still hates me. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. Sometimes her friends were people, who you could have good parties with and who want to build her up, then they were all bad and wrong people, who want to hurt her.
168. Often conflicts with other people

[Cromwell]

hi Guiltripped9000

I think what takes me aback by your list

is not finding a single one which I cant relate to

thanks for sharing.

[SummerStorm]

I can relate to a lot of these, but what really struck me is the one about "bad people" who abused her and did all sorts of bad things to her still being in her contacts.  My ex-friend would tell me all of these awful stories about people, but when I looked through her list of FB friends, they were all on there.  Most recently, she has been off and on with the same guy for two years, and they just recently got engaged.  That was less than two weeks after she told her mom that after one of their breakups, he broke two doors in her apartment.  Logically, that makes no sense. 

Another thing that struck me was the lack of caring about our problems.  A few months ago, I was having a really hard time at work and was possibly in danger of losing my job.  When I tried to talk to her about it, she said, "I don't know what to say" and then never bothered to ask me about it again.  On the flip side, she also didn't seem to care about my successes.  A few weeks ago, my principal gave me really positive feedback during a classroom observation and then even patted me on the back at the end of the day and said, "Great lesson!"  I texted my ex-friend about it and got no reply back. 

And finally, calling people her "best friend" when she barely knows them is something she does all the time.  She called me her "best friend" before we had even hung out once.  And just friends in general, really.  She once met a guy at an airport and took selfies with him and friended him on FB.  He lived several states away, and he never commented on her posts and never liked any, but she would like his. 

[Cromwell]

Another thing that struck me was the lack of caring about our problems.  A few months ago, I was having a really hard time at work and was possibly in danger of losing my job.  When I tried to talk to her about it, she said, "I don't know what to say" and then never bothered to ask me about it again.  On the flip side, she also didn't seem to care about my successes.  A few weeks ago, my principal gave me really positive feedback during a classroom observation and then even patted me on the back at the end of the day and said, "Great lesson!"  I texted my ex-friend about it and got no reply back.  

Unless my ex was with me to mimic emotions, when it came to texts I got the same. There seemed to me a lack of true empathy that might go beyond just "lack of caring", she just didnt know how to, unless it was a circumstance that allowed an extreme of emotion to be triggered.

As time went on in the r/s I just recognised that my ex had developed almost a system of "Go-to" stock phrases to reply to whatever situation arised. Where did she learn them from? And how much has she appropiated from witnessing my persona that she will use in future to convince genuine empathy in the absence of relating and owning her own emotional state?

or maybe she truly just didnt care at all.

summerstorm, what progress can be made beyond at least owning how we feel about it ourselves and working from there?

Empathy for how I felt about anything was non-existent. Glib rehearsed phrases were in compensatory abundance.

[toughday]

Unless my ex was with me to mimic emotions, when it came to texts I got the same. There seemed to me a lack of true empathy that might go beyond just "lack of caring", she just didnt know how to, unless it was a circumstance that allowed an extreme of emotion to be triggered.

As time went on in the r/s I just recognised that my ex had developed almost a system of "Go-to" stock phrases to reply to whatever situation arised. Where did she learn them from? And how much has she appropiated from witnessing my persona that she will use in future to convince genuine empathy in the absence of relating and owning her own emotional state?

or maybe she truly just didnt care at all.

summerstorm, what progress can be made beyond at least owning how we feel about it ourselves and working from there?

Empathy for how I felt about anything was non-existent. Glib rehearsed phrases were in compensatory abundance.

Even in the most obvious of circumstances where empathy would be needed my exuBPDgf had none. I remember once we were having a huge row. I went to the shops down the road in the middle of it as i needed to get away. On the way back from the shops someone actually tried to mug me. It got a bit nasty and he threw a punch. i got home and told my ex and she just said "are you ok" once and then carried on rowing. When i said that i had just been mugged and i had moved on she didn't get it. When i tried to make her understand that i was a bit shaken she then said what if they saw where we lived and want to attack your girlfriend to get back at you. Her only concern was for herself.

Even when her dad had cancer, according to her he was being annoying when he moaned and she moaned that he should be stronger. I tried to explain that he has got cancer and thats a valid reason to struggle but she didn't understand.

Whenever i was ill there was no support. The concept was alien to her.

I knew deep down that if anything happened to me and i was ill or disabled long term that she would walk away from the relationship. I had no doubt about that. Not a comforting thought.

[SummerStorm]

Her only concern was for herself.

And ultimately, that gets to be exhausting for any Non, even the strongest ones.

There are a lot of things about BPD that I have hard time dealing with, but this is one of the top ones.  Any relationship, whether romantic, friendly, or familial, needs reciprocity in order to grow and to remain strong.  In any relationship, I want to know that I can go to the other person for advice and/or support when I am going through a tough time.  And unfortunately, I've just never been able to do that with the pwBPD in my life. 

[JNChell]

That is a very extensive list, gt9000. If I can be honest, I read more experiences than I read about ’s. I sense a lot of anger. Care to discuss it? I was VERY angry with my ex. We share a child, and she has a daughter that I was working on building a relationship with. But, with pwBPD, the rug comes out, and our head hits the floor.

[Drs204]

I read through them and while not all of them were my experiance, I found myself saying "Yup" to a lot of them!

[Cromwell]

Whenever i was ill there was no support. The concept was alien to her.

I knew deep down that if anything happened to me and i was ill or disabled long term that she would walk away from the relationship. I had no doubt about that. Not a comforting thought.

I know, but embrace it all the same, I hope it helps to put it down here into words. Your feelings, listen to them, embrace them. You want to detach, harness it; why would you want to be with someone who would walk away from you at your time of need? Why would you feel so strongly for someone who would be that callous and fickle? Is this really the type of relationship you imagined it would be - or what you wanted?

The pattern that I often see is we get heavily emotionally involved, early, and fast, it then unravels itself to having to repress all these things via "Rose tinted glasses" outlook, not wanting to face the revelations as they come - disappointing - often bitterly as they do.

but face them is a - must - regardless of how much a reality check disturbs the romantic imagery that was cultivated.

[toughday]

I know, but embrace it all the same, I hope it helps to put it down here into words. Your feelings, listen to them, embrace them. You want to detach, harness it; why would you want to be with someone who would walk away from you at your time of need? Why would you feel so strongly for someone who would be that callous and fickle? Is this really the type of relationship you imagined it would be - or what you wanted?

The pattern that I often see is we get heavily emotionally involved, early, and fast, it then unravels itself to having to repress all these things via "Rose tinted glasses" outlook, not wanting to face the revelations as they come - disappointing - often bitterly as they do.

but face them is a - must - regardless of how much a reality check disturbs the romantic imagery that was cultivated.

I was out today walking, it was such a lovely day and i noticed that i felt great. I had a mental clarity that has been missing for years and its very welcome. All of the above feelings were there during the relationship but they are suppressed because you can't face them because there would be no justification for staying in a r/s that is so messed up but the thoughts are there eating away in the background. After a few months those feelings are dissipating and being replaced by calm and clarity. I accept that its a process and that there will still be tough days but i think the good days will soon outweigh the bad. As you say we must face the uncomfortable thoughts. It essential but not easy. Cheers for thoughts.

[guilttripped9000]

That is a very extensive list, gt9000. If I can be honest, I read more experiences than I read about ’s. I sense a lot of anger. Care to discuss it? I was VERY angry with my ex. We share a child, and she has a daughter that I was working on building a relationship with. But, with pwBPD, the rug comes out, and our head hits the floor.

Sorry for the late answer, was quite busy and thinking very much about all again, hoped that it would get better, but it is still hard. I am really angry of course. She told me that she was betrayed by her ex and that she won't want to do anything anymore with him and now she is after him and maybe with him, what do I know. I feel like she betrayed me about 5 months or longer and still can't believe it. Especially that she is having a FwB with this guy from Turkey, who was too short, had a beard and other things she did not like, especially that he was from Turkey bothered her the most! And she did not want to have a FwB ever again and did not like it that everyone just wanted to have a sex with her. And now this, What the heck. Still makes my head spinning, don't know, what to do about. Will lose all my self respect and the respect of my friends, when I will contact her again. Often it is hard to fight against the urge to contact her, even though it is right.

[JNChell]

Hey, gt9000. No worries. We love this place, but it can be hard to keep up. I’m perpetually behind here.   I’m glad to hear from you.

hoped that it would get better, but it is still hard

This is very well understood amongst your peers here. We understand how you’re feeling. We really do. This isn’t one of those situations where one can say “I get it” out of appeasement to a friend, and the one retorts with, “no you don’t!”. We really do get it.

We are also supporting you and letting you know from experience that it will get better. The pressure and feelings of it never ending will ease. Read the threads here. I did so for 2 months before I was able to write my first post. I showed up here as what felt like a shredded soul. We’re open 24/7.

It’s hard to see our exes immediately jump into relationships with others when we’re left feeling hopeless and broken. No closure from them is commonplace. Her getting back with her ex is as well. It sounds like a classic recycle. It’s most likely all about her need of supply or the ability to know that she is someone through the feelings of someone else.

I went through the same things that you did when it comes to their likes and dislikes. They move the goalposts to accommodate themselves and they can change their minds in the matter of a minute. It comes with the territory. Try not to worry about guys with beards and who’s from Turkey, if just for a moment. Try to realize why you feel this way about other people that you would’ve otherwise not cared about. What is the common denominator?

If you believe that breaking NC will result in a setback in your self respect, just don’t do it. You will torture yourself by doing so. I promise you that.

A lot of us have children with our exes here and have to maintain a certain level of contact with them. Let me tell you, if you have the opportunity to let this go, you should most likely take it.

[guilttripped9000]

It can indeed be hard to keep it up, because it is hard to always analyze it, but it is hard as well to "just" move on. I made some progress in the last week, which I am really proud of. I deleted her number and her Instagram Account and also deleted our Chat, so I can not always read it up on my smartphone.
I am still afraid to bump into her and maybe her new r/s, but it is, what it is. All I can do is to be the best version of me and give my everything and all for my own benefit everyday. I made a 100 day plan to better my life and today is my first day. It is early in the morning, but I made so many good things I am really proud of.

But of course it is still hard to just accept and really move on happily.  How did you cope with the fact that we will never get closure or never see the version of her again, we fell deeply in love with/ became addicted to? I think this is the hardest part - to never know the truth and to never feel completely guilt-free because of her actions. I am at a point, where I will never allow her back in my life again, she nearly ended it. Even if she would apologize for all the things she had done to me, there would be no Chance for us to reunite. I just could not trust her anymore and I do not think she has changed aswell. I heard some things about her after the breakup and her actions and her words do not seem like that she has changed or that she is a complete stable and happy person.

My friends do not think that aswell. What I found amazing is that eventhough they did not know about her probably having Borderline, they told me that I got caught in the spider's web, that she is a modern sirene and that she has a personality disorder and only rubbish in her head and that I am better off without her.

And of course I am better off without her, things are happening to me, I am lucky often times. It is as if the faith wants to pay me something back for my bad luck I had,  when I was with her. But of course it is a new life, a life without the abuse, but also a life without her. I can see the light clearly and I become stronger second after second, but it is hard, especially when you have dreams about her.

[JNChell]

guilttripped9000, how are you?

but it is hard as well to "just" move on.

You’re right. We can’t “Just move on.” A lot of us poured so much effort and emotion into the relationship that we can’t just move on. We have to find some way to recover, if that is determined to be needed, of ourselves.

Letting go and moving past this is one of the hardest parts. It’s a process.

I deleted her number and her Instagram Account and also deleted our Chat, so I can not always read it up on my smartphone.
 
You’re implementing no contact. You’re protecting yourself.

My best advice here is don’t look at anything she’s doing. No social media, etc. Turn your focus towards you.

[once removed]

Often it is hard to fight against the urge to contact her, even though it is right.

it may be less about contact or no contact, and more about the battle youre fighting inside. there are, it sounds like, competing/conflicted feelings.

you can call her a siren, or focus on her red flags, or slag her to your friends and it might feel good when they slag her. and maybe some of that even has its use. it did for me.

the reality is that you loved this girl, and you are grieving a deep loss. if she were all bad, if your loss wasnt so significant and the bigger picture so complex, you would not be fighting this battle within, all the slagging would ring true - there would be zero or less than zero urge for contact.

if you want to win this battle and detach, heal, grow, it will help to embrace the deep complexities of what you have experienced and are experiencing, and manage the balance of holding two conflicting/opposing thoughts like the idea that this wasnt a healthy relationship and youre committed to grieving and letting it go/moving on, and you also loved her a lot, miss her, and are feeling a significant loss.

in our hurt, its a tough balance.

[Cromwell]

I am still afraid to bump into her and maybe her new r/s, but it is, what it is. All I can do is to be the best version of me and give my everything and all for my own benefit everyday. I made a 100 day plan to better my life and today is my first day. It is early in the morning, but I made so many good things I am really proud of.

With the feeling of being afraid, I can relate to this even though I consider myself detached. If I was to see her again, it is inevitable that there will be some neurons firing off that are related more to fight or flight, as opposed to how I viewed this feeling in the past as being of somehow "still in love" and perhaps should speak to her again.

But of course it is still hard to just accept and really move on happily.  How did you cope with the fact that we will never get closure or never see the version of her again, we fell deeply in love with/ became addicted to? I think this is the hardest part
[/quote]

She is absent from my thoughts but this is because I replaced her with what seems the same path you are embarking on now with your 100 day plan for example - good for you. 

I made the decisive decision that she would never be part of my life ever again and that was the hardest part over. From there it still took me just over a year to heal, yet it got easier progressively over that time span. In that journey I got my life back by taking on new goals, meeting new people, trying new relationships and getting support here. If I had done none of these things, id likely still be thinking of her, feeling victimised.

When you say that the dissapointment resides in the version of who you thought she was having "changed" considerably. This process of change is something id ask you to look at yourself as well. Are you the same person that she met?

If I was to meet my ex today after this time apart and the self development, how ive changed my life and compare it to when she first met me, that person she met is very much different and changed.

It feels like this because its recent, it is raw emotions and hurt. Distance yourself from it and you are already on your way with your 100 day plan, take these steps and in 100 days you will be a different person already from who you are now as a result of your actions.

its ok to be afraid, if you look at it from a biological rooted perspective, it would be unhelpful not to feel that way. Whatever happened to you in this relationship - the end result is; she is a trigger - and not in a healthy way. The day I set aside all the confusing up and down emotions, many of which werent actually emotions but anxiety related, and viewed her as a health hazard, closure was easy, valid and made sense. My health comes before any relationship, thats what ultimately took priority.

[guilttripped9000]

@JNChell:
Thank you very much for responding! Yeah you're right, as hard as it is, it does not give me any benefit at all, to look after her social media. It just wouuld drag me down and make me feel miserable.

@once removed:
Yes, that is absolutely amazing analyzed. The conflicted feelings in me are huge. While at one hand I think that it was my fault and that she probably has not changed, I think on the other hand that she is a great person now and I was the last one to see her behavior. I will make today a post about it to clearify my mind. The thing is, I would want to try to have closure, talking to her and asking questions, but it is unlikely that it wouuld benefit me. If she would say sorry, I was a differenbt person back than - I would still be unhappy, because I probably could not have her and would not want to have her, because I could not believe anything she says after all the blatant lies. If she would say, it was all my fault and she is no a changed person and I hold her back, I would be back on day one. If she says she has not changed and is a sick person and it was never my fault, I may only be partly happy because it would be a proof that I wasted my time with her and the obsessive thoughts about her changing would have been worthless.
I have the chance to talk to her female (probably ex-) best friend, because she is owning me a favour. Would you do it? Would any of you guys reading this do it?
@Cromwell: Thanks to you, you must be considered a hero. You have nearly made it out and live a good life. You are one of the reasons people on this board like me do not lose hope in getting over her and living a quality life again. Generally the support and number of wise words on this board and especially in your posts is amazing! It is good to have people like you in this amazing community!
Yeah the chemical stuff is amazing and hard to bear. Whenever I see her car or her my head is spinning, my stomach turns upside down and my mouth is becoming really dry. It is the same bbad gut feeling I had when she wanted to have a relationship, but 1000 times worse, because now I do not have a choice. She cut me out of her life and I will probably never be seen as the humble guy many, many people believe I am.
I can feel with you. Cutting a girl out of life after you deeply cared for her and tried so much making her happy that she became your sole purpose, is cruel to feel and really gut-wrenching. I am a little different, don't put up with ___ of women anymore and do not chase them. I am on a way, where I become emotionally independent and do not feel responsible for other people's feelings and actions.
Still my mind is a little bit spinning. One day, I want her back and obsess about, how she could have changed now and how amazing she is, but on another day I hate her and planning a revenge on her, which is honestly probably a bad idea. But above all the thoughts is consistently the fact that it would destroy my reputation and the respect from my friends and anyone, including me, if I would be returning to her. Probably it would not only end my good relationships in my life, but my life itself aswell. 

[once removed]

If she would say sorry, I was a differenbt person back than - I would still be unhappy, because I probably could not have her and would not want to have her, because I could not believe anything she says after all the blatant lies. If she would say, it was all my fault and she is no a changed person and I hold her back, I would be back on day one. If she says she has not changed and is a sick person and it was never my fault, I may only be partly happy because it would be a proof that I wasted my time with her and the obsessive thoughts about her changing would have been worthless.

out of all of those possibilities, which do you want the most?

[Cromwell]

But above all the thoughts is consistently the fact that it would destroy my reputation and the respect from my friends and anyone, including me, if I would be returning to her. Probably it would not only end my good relationships in my life, but my life itself aswell.  

sounds like you are already prioritising your own welfare and future as well as considering how this relationship affected others close to you, in the big picture.

I have been taken aback by how the choice I eventually came to, to "cut her out my life" - ended up taking my life in a direction Idve never expected.

Yes it felt - momentarily - like once she was gone there was a noticeable vacuum.

the body and mind was primed and ramped up to expect its dose of daily drama, however negative or positive it may be. It took time to find a reset button to it all - its not normal or healthy to live that way... .

but - there was an unexpected winfall - a huge emotional burden had been lifted at the same time. I was finally free again, with renewed hope of dusting self off, getting up and trying again.

At the very least, this relationship taught me one thing - what I dont want in the future. How else to know but to have experienced.

Code:

I am a little different, don't put up with PLEASE READ of women anymore and do not chase them. I am on a way, where I become emotionally independent and do not feel responsible for other people's feelings and actions. 

So in the midst of all this - you are finding or creating a new you - that is so profound and significant and hold on to it - others, and i include myself - chose to continue down the same path before finding an awakening of sorts. The day you slam your fist down on the table and say "enough"!

I guess once youve lived through endless lies, deceit, seen so much drama, shed enough tears, gone through the perfect storm of miss-mashed feelings; love cycling hate - once your out of it and experienced it - for myself its hard to see how anything new could do worse.

once my ex was out the picture, and the stalking abated (she realised there was no point anymore), I got back in contact with her for two weeks, then discarded her all over again.

what im saying is, there will be weak moments and thats ok. I made a second 'mistake' speaking to her again, so what, it lasted a few weeks, enough to completely confirm to me I made the right choice the first time around.

Once all hope has gone, you are liberated to do whatever you want to.

I give new relationships a try, whats the worst thing that can happen - ive changed, there is not going to be a hurt round 2 that can compare. Once youve crashed rock bottom emotionally, which I did, the only way is upwards from there.

So they didnt end up being the emotional happiness and fulfillment. no sweat. i found someone else to give a chance to. im flanked by women each day, not because ive radically changed - but because my ex was unique just as every other woman is. There is an undisputable fact, because imagine what the world would be if it wasnt. (shudders at thought).

youll move on from this guilttripped. these feelings will change given time and some soul searching.

[JNChell]

Hey, gt9000. This response comes from your locked post on NC. I sensed some hope in there. Hope that she is better. I understand this, and I’ve also learned while interacting within this community that the good word of hope can stall the good act of healing.

One thing I’ve learned while participating in this community is that the truth is something that we don’t always like to hear. Here it goes. If you truly believe that your ex is a pwBPD, she won’t change in the short term that your hopes are currently being built upon. She most likely will never change. She will most likely continue on with the same behaviors.

BPD takes years of therapy to manage. Not heal, manage. The prognosis for management is very limited.

Has your ex changed?

[Al Kaseltzer]

Hey, gt9000. I sensed some hope in there. Hope that she is better. I understand this, and I’ve also learned while interacting within this community that the good word of hope can stall the good act of healing.

One thing I’ve learned while participating in this community is that the truth is something that we don’t always like to hear. Here it goes. If you truly believe that your ex is a pwBPD, she won’t change in the short term that your hopes are currently being built upon. She most likely will never change. She will most likely continue on with the same behaviors.

I'm slowly going through pages and pages of threads so hope it's alright to comment in some that are a few months old. But just wanted to say this speaks to me a lot as far as hope goes. Hope can be the biggest roadblock in moving on, even when it is all out of your hands anyway. I am kind of coming to the realization that hope is one of the biggest deterrents in getting over my ex. It's false hope on so many levels; hoping to hear from them, to the hope that things would be different if there was another opportunity, to hope that they or I would be better equipped next time without ever getting help. It's almost like questioning myself, how many times does history need to repeat itself before you not only dont get back on the ride, but more importantly don't WANT to get back on the ride.

As far as that list goes, there are a bunch of things in there that I didn't experience, in some cases the complete opposite which I don't think means anything, all of our ex's were still individuals. but there are so many that I have seen that it is alarming.  I would say there are some that I think can probably just be considered relatively offputting  behavior (albeit damaging or upsetting) and not necessarily a BPD trait. However I do think it kinda clarifies, for me at least, that yes something was wrong if I can relate  to probably 75% of that list. More to the point that it doesn't really matter what that list signifies, if myself and others can all say we can relate to a lot of it, that speaks for itself as far as being trapped in an extremely unhealthy relationship.

[Jbombjas]

I’ve been looking for something like your list just to find additional characteristics that may be common in those w BPD. From what I’ve found I’d like to share mine:
1) sleep disturbances/doesn’t sleep
2) strange talking, sometimes childish like voice, or rapid thoughts
3) ADD
4) aches pains, and injuries
5) body mutilation in the form of impulsive tattooing to complete and entire full back/legs/arms body tattoo
6) constant pot smoking
7) controlled schedule
8)  desiring/asking for constant naughty pics w out the desire to see each other -impulsive and I think relieving of some side of pain or loneliness
9) cannot even get close enough to see each other -too fearful or angry -when exciting plans are even made , he backed out & disappeared
10) grandiosity
11) seems addicted to violent, rough or extreme sports (shooting, Jiu jitsu, Olympic weightlifting... .)
12) possible eating issues
13) moved many times
 

There are many other red flags and signs but I wrote these as I think MOST of them aren’t found anywhere else and are different from the  push/pull, anger, sexual promiscuity, and so many other common symptoms I have found on here that everyone seems to experience.

Can anyone share any other signs or symptoms they have botched?

[gotbushels]

Jbombjas 

Neat list--yes there are characteristics there that pwBPDs may have.

Can anyone share any other signs or symptoms they have botched?

Your question isn't clear here--where and by whom was a mistake made?

[Vexed]

I really appreciate this post, the experience style it had to it really helped me reset my mind for a while.  I can strongly relate to > 75% of those experiences. 

I don't know if it is normal or common for a pwBPD to change/worsen in one area/symptom while improving in another area but this post reminded me of so many issues I had and had forgotten about.

Namely the psychosomatic aches and pains.  We went to the doctor numerous times and ran all the tests for her mysterious stomach pains that came and went as often as her mood swings.  Nothing ever came of it, eventually they disappeared years into our rs and would pop up maybe once a month instead of once a day.  I thought it was a sign she was getting better.  But when you really analyze her it seems like as 1 trait dissipitates another trait shows up. 

Thanks for the post!  Made my day much better.

[crazyinlove77]

My udBPD girlfriend just broke up with me a couple days ago and I've been reading through other peoples' stories.  I found this list and I can relate to a majority of "red flags".  Everything in the relationship was my fault though, according to her.  She could never take responsibility for anything.  My heart hurts because I enjoyed moments of spending time with her.  But then I read through that list and think it was probably a blessing that she ended things now before we got farther into the relationship. 

[Sandb2015]

A small list of my own... .

1) Any woman I was ever with had it better than her.
2) Hearing the truth sincerely and repeating a spinned version of it forever.
3) I ruined our perfect lives.
4) You weren't at work, I know it.
5) I had a nightmare and it's real, I know it, and my intution is an infallible gift, it's never wrong.
6) You are a lowlife because of how imperfect you are and I have am just a better person.
7) You are stupid to have been with this woman or that one in the past.
8) Don't pretend to be close with my family, they see right through you. Funny, they felt sorry for me!
9) I'm used to being around people of higher standards, you are too low for me.
10 ) My ex husband and the people I would socialize with were more interesting and we could actually talk about things. 
11) She would watch every TED show she could and try to memorize things to blurt out and could never delve in deeper to expand the discussion.
12) Hated how my conversations would expand.
13) Accused me of needing attention from women, it really only was her.
14) Convinced I have feelings for the past women in my life, again, intuition.
15) Dare I question anything from any source of info, TED talks, motivational speakers (not relationships), business etc.
16) I am doing so many things behind her back without any way to prove it so I'm a liar 99% of the time, the 1% is just her giving me the benefit of the doubt.
17) Speak to her son the way she does, anything else causes him conflict and you look foolish.
18) Can only take a shower at the gym, not at home, sometimes not even exercising,
19) Would wake early with bad thoughts from bad dreams and spend hours acknowledging them.
20) Would call me a liar for finding her imperfect body parts wonderful.
21) Was proud of how quickly she would cut off some last guy with malice and indifference.
22) Could never speak of wrongdoings, never wrong.
23) Kept pictures of her youth hidden as to never show me.
24) Was proud of her indifference.
25) Knew she lacked empathy in a "matter of fact way". That's the way I am, so what.
26) Called me weak for having empathy.
27) She felt bad kicking me out with no place to go and said it was my fault I don't have much.
28) Look at what I'm doing to you, you ruined my life.    
29) Couldn't cry.
30) Feeling weak and brittle and made physical fitness key and people that do that are superior.
31) Insisting she won't live long.
32) Would compliment me on some physical attributes and than be disgusted by them.
33) Looking at me and looking past me .
34) Insecure as hell and blaming me.
35) Speaks about imaginary things and makes them real.
36) I'm superficial because I love her.
37) Over the top auspiciousness convinced her gut feeling is god-like and if I question it, I am reinforcing it?That one still makes my head spin.
38) Would say all my clothes were pick out by exes, with them laughing and enjoying.  I really only liked shopping alone.
39) Questioned my integrity, honor, self esteem and confidence until I felt I didn't have any.



Red flags... .I don't know, just some s**t.

[blueblue12]

guilttripped9000

Thanks for the list, the experiences, now that we are out of the fog, and I have been out for a couple of years now, are relevant and similar. I can relate to so many it’s incredible really, but in all those years together I had no clue! I just took it all and felt or was made to feel that I was a ‘lucky guy’ to be with her. She would even tell me that often, so and so said “you are lucky to have me.” The things we end up believing! And at the time I did! Hope things are developing well for you.

[Tsultan]

One thing I’ve learned while participating in this community is that the truth is something that we don’t always like to hear. Here it goes. If you truly believe that your ex is a pwBPD, she won’t change in the short term that your hopes are currently being built upon. She most likely will never change. She will most likely continue on with the same behaviors.


BPD takes years of therapy to manage. Not heal, manage. The prognosis for management is very limited.

In regards to hanging onto hope @JNChell Phew! thanks for sharing that.  For me it really shines a light onto reality.  Looking into the short term recovery isn't something that can be managed for a long time. 

Guilttripped9000 - I appreciate your list.  You don't hear too often about the paranoia.  My exBPDbf had a lot of paranoia.  He used to worry the neighbors could hear us talking and we would have to close the windows while we talked.  Even if we were talking in a normal voice with the doors closed.  He thought people were talking about him at our recovery meetings.  I started to wonder that myself.  Not good for my recovery obviously. 

9 mos out of the relationship and slowly slowly getting better.  It is a challenge coming to terms with the conflicting emotions of loving someone yet knowing the person you fell in love with is the one you thought they were.  It's good to read others experiences.  It helps validate the craziness of what we went through.  Others who haven't experienced it just don't understand in the same way. 

Thanks for sharing.

Tsultan

[Harri]

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