Struggling to detach, first contact in 5 months

[Zemmma]

Hi all,
Behaviourally and externally I am doing well. I am mostly NC since he unceremoniously dumped me at the beginning of May- over 4.5 months ago. I do not look at any of his social media. Mostly because I know that would be painful.

I have seen him when on the street two times. He either saw me once or not at all. He can be clueless and in his own head so its possible he hasn't seen me. When I saw him both times I ducked my head and turned a corner, kept walking, didn't look back.

INTERNALLY however... .another story.

It feels like a bit of an obsession. In my head it is almost as though we are still together. I have not distanced emotionally from him. He is still very close.

The two times I saw him were not 100% coincidence. I do take routes where I imagine he might be. As I said, when I actually see him I don't linger. This is progress from previous breakups because I used to have the fanciful idea that if I found him or saw him in person, it was enough to bring him back. In many cases this was true. But nothing gets him back for good, plus now I have been so wounded by him, I don't know if I could overcome any of it for very long. It is not a high quality relationship. I couldn't love him more but our relationship is dysfunctional. It is not the right relationship to make him happy- if there is any relationship at all that could. I do desire him still and have abstained from any sex life because anything of that nature would make me miss him more.

So I'll keep doing what I'm doing. And my plan is to give it a good 2 years. When someone close to me dies I take about 2 years to grieve. When my husband/ partner of 27 years died, I grieved heavily for at least two years. I think that is my usual grieving window. I am setting this time period, not with a notion of it being a magical number after which all of my pain will disappear. But I want to give myself a shot at a life without him. A chance to be happy and free of him so that maybe I can experience a relationship that has not only love and passion, but also trust and consistency. I want to promise myself NC for 2 years to see where I am after that time has passed.

I figure, if after 2 years I still have not recovered, and still think he is the love of my life, and the only one for me, then maybe, and only then can I consider having him in my life in some capacity. But until then, NC, try to recover in all the ways everyone suggests.

I guess my question is this. How do I get him to seem more distant? He is so close to me emotionally. We were so attached, like no other. And we texted obsessively to each other for six years. There is just so much content. I know so much about him, the way he thinks... The thing is I romanticize him. It is easy to do because he was the best lover, the most romantic and poetic, the most attentive and loving admirer and companion when he was in a good place, along with many other amazing qualities. I felt wonderful when we were together and I miss him so much. But if I feel like that, I have to remind myself of all of the other
bull---- that came along with it. To do this I read back into my phone and laptop, all of the texts and communications and screenshots containing the ridiculous arguments and insults and distortions of thought and doubt and lack of trust. It's all there. Reading it consolidates my decision to stay silent. It helps me feel better about the fact that we are apart.

But it also keeps him close... maybe...

If I don't read those words, I may keep romanticizing, pining, walking where he will be, looking to see if he has tried to contact me (he doesn't)... If I don't use that data to objectively recall the frustration, disappointment, and pain, then I may keep him on a pedestal in my mind.

But, his words, even the bad ones may keep him close.

Or maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe its just like the grief of death. It just rolls over you and you just have to do whatever feels right in any moment to get through it until the pain and memory finally fades... ?

I am trying to give it 2 years regardless. I just hate to think he has moved on while for me it is all still present and alive in my head.

Any insights are welcome!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Zemmma,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this.  

If you were to not read the texts or walk places that he's likely to be, what would happen?  Aside from keeping him on a pedestal.

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Hello, Zemmma.

Detaching is very hard. These relationships are unique and they run very deep in us emotionally. If it’s ok with you, let’s focus on time and healing.

It feels like a bit of an obsession. In my head it is almost as though we are still together. I have not distanced emotionally from him. He is still very close.

I feel you on this. I share a very young child with my ex. I obsessed over the loss of my little family. My ex also has a daughter. During each breakup/recycle, my mind went to “what about our family?”.

You invested yourself emotionally with this person. You opened up. I don’t think that your feelings are abnormal. In fact, they’re quite normal. Our emotions run naturally as they should. We don’t possess a switch that turns them on/off.

if I found him or saw him in person, it was enough to bring him back. In many cases this was true. But nothing gets him back for good, plus now I have been so wounded by him, I don't know if I could overcome any of it for very long.

Would it be accurate to say that this has been a pattern for you? I’ve identified patterns within myself from past relationships that didn’t serve me well. My own patterns were causing me sadness and pain. One of those patterns has been accepting my abuser back into my life. Are you familiar with “recycling?

It is not the right relationship to make him happy- if there is any relationship at all that could.

I noticed that something is missing from this statement. That something is you. Perhaps you’ve been focusing all of your attention on him? Maybe you’re emotionally dehydrated from it all?

my plan is to give it a good 2 years.

2 years will most definitely put space between you and what has hurt you. Time is a soother. In the past, I’ve relied on time to heal me. The thing is, I found that I was in an almost constant state of repetition. A bad relationship would end, I’d take time off and end up in another bad relationship and so on. It was through the end of my last relationship, in which a child was born, that I had a shift of consciousness. I began to look inward and ask myself why I keep putting myself in these situations. I became aware that something is going on and that I might be my own common denominator.

What I’m trying to say is that time doesn’t heal. Time and distance will soothe, but time isn’t responsible for our healing.

How do I get him to seem more distant? He is so close to me emotionally.

Time can help you here. Just don’t rely on time for healing. If it’s ok, I’d like to point you to the right side of this board  to do a little reading. I think that you’ll find it helpful. Go there, read and form questions that you’d like to bring back to the board.

[Zemmma]

Ooops, my husband/partner of 27 years did not die... that was a Freudian slip... He left me. Still alive and well... Should read, grieved the loss of marriage for at least 2 years...

[Zemmma]

Thanks for your responses...

I've read constantly. I've read everything. Six years of reading all about this... or coming up on seven. I am considering doing a Grad school thesis on it. Its not that I don't understand.

When I said its not the right relationship to make him happy, I said that because he is the one who left every time. It was always worth it to me. The only thing I can't take is the leaving. But the leaving and threat of leaving has always been there. Six years, countless breakups... all his.

So it's not that I am not considering me. I have always wanted this relationship. I just don't drive that ship. I want the r/s but he leaves me repeatedly, leaving me with no choice other than to wait for him to come back or decide I never will. So far every time, I go back when its on the table because the r/s doesn't drive me crazy or cause me to break up. It drives him crazy and causes him to break up... Not that he doesn't act like an idiot a lot of the time during the r/s... It's just that for me there is no deal breaker, other than the break up. He is so good for me in other ways. And I focus on the positive and forgive easily. Does that make sense?

Lastly, this is not a cycle from my life. Only a cycle with this one man. I had a stable childhood with neurotypical parents and a stable marriage for decades. It ended, but there is nothing in that relationship that I am repeating. Sure, the break up of my marriage took me to a place where this man was welcomed fully, with all of the love, affection and admiration, but other than that, this is all new. I didn't even know BPD existed until I experienced some of his weirder traits and started my investigations.

[Zemmma]

Harley Quinn,
Ha... don't do it. I know.

Okay so stop reading the texts and thinking of where he will be... Right.

I can try it. But I have to admit... I slid backwards today. Was innocently trying to free up space on my computer and ended up looking at videos of amazing happy times with him, laughing and spending time with friends and family. Which of course led me to wanting to contact him.

Part of that urge to contact him is about challenging his distorted beliefs. He will have convinced himself by now that I am not contacting him because I am angry, and over him, and most definitely a terrible person. He will definitely assume I no longer care and that couldn't be further from the truth.

But I am angry too. And sometimes I think he doesn't deserve another word from me ever. Another part of me worries that he is wanting to contact me but won't because he thinks I don't want it. And then I think, what if you contact him and find out he has a new person in your place? That is not something I want to know.

So he left, and was none too nice about it. So it really isn't my place to break the silence. Neither his. So I guess that is the reason why chance meetings seem like a good idea. Ugh... lots of conflicting feelings.

[Zemmma]

I was approaching an intersection when I saw him walking towards me. I turned the corner and kept walking. Hadn't known if he had seen me.

He broke up with me abruptly in late April and we haven't talked since.

Then, a day and a half after the sighting on the street he emailed me. Thought we should agree to say hi next time. But this is a guy who didn't even explain he was leaving. He didn't say goodbye and in fact told me to "Leave me alone!" Pretty much his last words.

But this email a couple of days ago told me he would still fall into me no matter the circumstance, that it was the most divine thing, etc.

In short, he has not changed. This looks to me like just another one of his cycles.

And guess what my immediate emotion was upon receiving this email?

RELIEF!

I am so calmed by the idea that he hasn't forgotten me, hasn't changed. It brings him down to earth again in my eyes. Makes him human. We exchanged a few texts and now its quiet again. I will leave it at this, but I am sure he will keep contacting me when it suits him.

I'm okay, but part of me thinks I might be back with him again in some capacity... The temptation is so big. I just don't know how to do it without getting hurt.

Another side of me has just stayed the hell away. I think I should keep trying to stay away for a good long time. See how I feel, much later.

[Turkish]

Knowing what you know,  and having some clarity now, what's the temptation that remains?

[Radcliff]

You said it, lots of conflicted feelings.  You've said that reading the old messages reminds you of how bad times could get, yet you've also said that the relationship was always good enough for you.  If you think the relationship was unhealthy for you, reading the old messages every couple of months might be helpful.  Each time you read after time has passed, those experiences may feel more distant.  

One thing is for certain, the space that you have now is important for you to process all of this and think about what is right for you.  It sounds like you know yourself and are allowing yourself a good amount of time for this.

This is not a quick fix, but developing other interests and priorities to fill your time and connect you to other people, or returning with more energy to existing interests and priorities, can help you adjust.  I understand, joining a book club is a poor substitute for losing a great lover, but consistently putting more energy into friendships and interests is part of a well-balanced recovery plan.  What are your thoughts or plans in that regard?

RC

[Zemmma]

Thanks for responding.

Turkish: The temptation is sexual, but not only from a physical point of view: the emotional attachment of our love in its entirely. The affection, the sex, the intimacy, even cuddling on the couch, him making me dinner, whatever. I loved this part of our relationship soo much and don't want to go there with anyone else. Being away from him means this part of my life is gone entirely, and for a good long time because the thought of doing that will anyone else is completely off. I don't really fancy life without these amazing things I found with him.

Also, the lifestyle. I liked our arrangement. We didn't live together which kept things exciting. We went out in the city and watched music and enjoyed time with his friends doing the coolest things in the most interesting places. That world is not available to me now. I can't hang out with his friends and I have no other people that go to those places, plus, let's be honest, I can't go to his places. They are off-limits now. That is his world and it would be really weird and seem stalkerish for me to show up. Plus I literally have no one who does that late night thing in those places. That world is gone and I miss it. He is basically in an elite group of artists in the city (its a small world and they all know each other). You can say I could do similar things, but if I am honest I know that life is gone for me without him- it doesn't exist anywhere else.

Radcliff: I don't need a book club- ha! I just got three new contracts and am immersed full time in running my own business and doing an advanced degree. Things have really gotten busy in the last few weeks and you are right. It is so much better to be busy! By your standards, I guess I am doing the right thing.

Knowing that he has not changed... if I am really still in love with him in say, 2 or 3 years, he will likely still be out there and available to me (in his limited way, as much as he ever can be).

I think I should just keep moving forward. I know the relationship is a dead end with him. I just yearn for the moments. And that is probably a significant point. At my stage in life, I really just want a relationship for spending time together, enjoying sex and love and fun and adventure. I am not looking for someone to move in with, or marry. I know its not the popular choice, but I want a true love with that lifestyle. Some people view that as not progressing in a r/s, but I do not. I love spending nights together every week, and seeing the person almost every day, but I don't want to mix finances or families. So really, our relationship was ideal, except that he kept leaving over and over. It was easy to tolerate his ups and downs as long as I had control over my own space.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing so much to help us understand your situation.  The lifestyle you had does sound like a lot of fun!  The loss must be difficult.  It is great that you are busy.  Besides work, what do you do for fun?

Have you checked out the Five Stages of Detachment on the right side bar?  Where would you say you are in that progression?

RC

[Zemmma]

Thanks Radcliff... .

Will check out the detachment article you suggested. I stepped away from here because I got charmED!

Wow. You know, I could see right through everything he was doing, but I still fell for it.

Doesn't make me respect him any more.

And I got to speak some of my honest truths. All this NC has been horrible for me. I did keep it up for over 5 months, because I needed to see what his next move would be. But once he broke NC I was unleashed! And I got to tell him about all the pain and all the love I had for him. I don't care if that is what drove him away. I was honest, and that felt better than letting him think his own distorted thoughts about me without my interference! I spoke my truth... and then he rejected me again.

He basically set it up over a week as though we were going to have a sexual, intimate reunion, with FULL full detail... And then when I called his bluff he backed off. hahah And haha on me, because I totally would have done it.

So starting over again. But not from square one. This is just further evidence that he is exactly who I think he is. I love him, and he may even love me, but not in any way that will make me happy or can last for any solid amount of time. I can not rely on him. He only thinks of HIMSELF.

No shame though. Just disappointment and sadness. I really thought I could walk back into that glorious past. I so miss our closeness, his voice, talking to him, and all the good stuff. He is all over the place. From full doubt to I'm the greatest thing that ever happened to him, and I am the only one he fantasizes about to we have no trust and no future and we will never be... He exhausts me and distracts me and wastes so much of my time. Boo on him. charmer... .

[Radcliff]

I think I understand a bit, but not completely.  Can you tell us more about what happened, how he initiated contact, what you mean by "setup" and when during all of this you let him know your true thoughts?

RC

[Zemmma]

why did someone add the word "charmed" to my post? so weird

He certainly didn't "charm" me

Nothing charming about him.

Can't even choose my own words to express myself. That's slightly invalidating.

[Chitchat]

He basically set it up over a week as though we were going to have a sexual, intimate reunion, with FULL full detail... .

Kudos to you Z for turning down the sex.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Zemmma-

I’m sorry for your pain.  I have it, too.  The wondering... .what does he feel?  Anything?  Constantly asking myself what’s inside that head of his?  And I’ve realized there’s much less action going on in there than what happens in my head.  A LOT of disassociation.  And out of sight, out of mind.  No real object constancy (I think that’s the term).  I actually saw this in person - mine had NO relationship with his three kids, and no friends at all.  He believed everyone had spurned him in some way.

From what I’ve experienced, I believe their  “love”, desire, comfort in your acceptance of them, whatever it’s called, remains active and strong for the first few months, especially if they believe they “misbehaved” upon departure.  If they feel the shame and try to apologize.   And then after a time, if you don’t immediately issue forgiveness, that love fades and they can take it or leave it.  Disassociation sets in and What happened becomes YOUR fault.

Like many of us, it sounds like you stepped gingerly, walked on tippy toes for your six years, not wanting to shatter the eggshells.  Until last week.  I get that.  I’ve not said much either... .about the hurt, the love, my truth.  The times I began to stand up I paid a heavy price.  You’ve paid a heavy price.

Zemmma... .I hope you feel good about sharing your truth.  You are allowed that.  Whether he listened or not is irrelevant - it has to be.  And you KNEW what the result would likely be, yes?  But somewhere in your broken heart, your words needed an exit, so you allowed that.  Be glad of that if you can.  Maybe he will hear those words later.  I hope he will.  But the most important person to hear your truth is you.  You.

Wishing you strength, healing and a love worthy of your pure efforts.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

I stepped away from here because I got charmED!

why step away from your support group in the midst of the most challenging of circumstances?

you dont have to do any of this alone.

it sounds like things blew up. im sorry to hear how it went. i would encourage you, if theres even a 5% chance that this isnt done for the two of you, to post on the Bettering board, get some feedback, and a solid plan for going forward. even if thats off the table, but the two of you are communicating, itd be a good idea.

[Chitchat]

i would encourage you, if theres even a 5% chance that this isnt done for the two of you, to post on the Bettering board

Wow!

why step away from your support group in the midst of the most challenging of circumstances?

 

[Zemmma]

Thank you for all of your responses. I don't have the emotional energy to answer them all individually, but I really, really appreciate the feedback.

I went one step further.

I got desperate. I thought I could have this contact with him. I told myself, what's the difference? I am hurting anyway.

DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO SAY THIS TO YOURSELF!

It is not true. It hurts more to be engaged and then rejected. It hurts like new. New pain. He strung me along, made me think we'd be spending some time together (not subtle, really blatently), then when I was like okay, let's do this, he pulled it right back to NO. Then when I pushed hard to meet up so he could extend the courtesy of the conversation that he never gave me when he literally yelled in my face and stormed out of the relationship 6 months ago, he wouldn't even do that. Said that would make it harder for him for a long time. Said there was no point. Said he had absolutely no desire to catch up with me in any way. Even though he had just said, "I thought you would end up here with me last night" and gave detailed descriptions of our best intimate encounters and told me he would always fall into me, every time. Made me think I would see him.

God. He once wrote this:
"Every time I reread a note that we write to each other about what we are like together sometimes, it is pure bliss and then agony thinking that we might not have that again.   
And whenever I have a doubt now,instead of reacting, I just wait and give it a moment or an hour or a while, and that doubt fades and I get excited again at the full prospect of us being engaged again... .   
Which may mean that my temporary perspectives change too often and frequently for what I
truly Desire."

DO YOU THINK? "... my temporary perspectives... ." almost funny if it didn't hurt so much...

He had moments of insight... he tried I guess. 

When he told me he absolutely does not want to see me, I lost it and sent him a letter containing this:

"This will not happen now because you have refused to extend this to me. Even as I told you it might help me. Knowing the damaging way you ended things. 

So the bad ending will always be the ending and I will have to absorb the fact that you somehow have zero interest in my well-being or any level of friendship or involvement in the future.

Please, knowing this, do not get bored again on a holiday weekend and amuse yourself by #&#%ing with me. 

The lack of care you have demonstrated in this breakup is extraordinary.

You have invalidated a whole lot of good will and positive feelings I had about our time together. Why did you think this was necessary? Do you really need to taint all of the good memories for me?

Please have a heart. Don’t contact me again by any electronic device. It’s a weak means of communication that requires no real contact or commitment to the personal interaction. If you really want to say something to me please call or send a letter or knock on my door. Please let my devices be a place of safety for me. This has all felt a little like emotional terrorism. I’m sick of feeling sick to my stomach when a message comes through when I am trying to do my work or school and life. No more. You should never have contacted me again with the way you are feeling. It was really careless. You had absolutely no intention of seeing me and I was a good 5+ months into a silent attempt to heal. Why did you do that? Knowing the way you feel?

Everything hurts again like brand new. This last session of whatever-the-#&*# you were doing has been very hard on me- a horrible roller coaster of emotion with all of your positive and negative, mixed up messages.

I really wish you had done things differently but you’ve made your intention to burn all bridges perfectly clear. 



He has gone quiet again. I actually HOPE he feels shame. That was so mean.

I am ready to say goodbye forever. Not because I want to. But as a conscious choice. Or maybe I have no choice.

I need to get some professional help. I need to get strong in case he contacts me again, because I know I can't control anything he does. I have to be ready to NOT go back. Or I'll be stuck in this painful groundhog day forever.

[Chitchat]

You are safe now.

[Mindfried]

You already know the answer in your heart and mind on what you are going to do. It is your life and we all make choices. Do what you think is best for you.

[Zemmma]

Actually no. I am really struggling. It is fine to say I will never go back because i he just flat out slammed the door in my face. First, opened it a crack and then as soon as I tried to come through, slammed it and put the bolts on to keep me out.

I don't trust myself. I went from angry and no way, to okay, let's do this, in a matter of days.

So no. I don't know what I would do, if he gets all sweet on me again. He has the best thing on earth when he will give it to me.

I am really vulnerable to him.

[Chitchat]

I don't trust myself... .
I am really vulnerable to him.

Zemmma,   I agree with Mindfried. You know. But I want to say, do nothing. Detach. Go no contact however long it takes for you to get in a place where you trust yourself and are no longer vulnerable.

Also he will then see his own feelings with you gone out of his life.

It's going to hurt. There's no way of knowing how long it will hurt, or what the outcome in terms of the relationship will be. But you have already shown strength.

Can you remember what it was like before you met him?

There are some excellent resources on no contact, what it's for, how to fight no contact pain, what to do and how to manage when your ex initiates.

  Chitchat

[once removed]

I don't trust myself. I went from angry and no way, to okay, let's do this, in a matter of days.
... .
I am really vulnerable to him.

the first step is working toward emotional centering, as much as that may sound like making a mountain move right now. we can help.

tell us more about what happened. he reached out. wanted to get together. you did too, on the condition that you could voice your hurts. when he heard that, he balked. it hurt, a lot. you told him so. do i have that right? is there more? what do you think was his reasoning for reaching out? sex? company? something else?

[Harley Quinn]

Zemmma, how are you?

I'm sad to hear that you have found yourself in this position.    How are you feeling today?

He has the best thing on earth when he will give it to me.

What is the best thing on earth - for you?   

Love and light x 

[Zemmma]

Harley Quinn, 
You always get me. Your question made me cry. Just great big tears running down my face.

The best thing on earth... .I loved being with him and around him. When we was physically with me I was happy. His body was my home. I always felt like I was in the right place when I was with him. Love, affection, sex, emotional bond, there was something so strong between us. I found him fascinating. I loved the sound of his voice. His hands. It was just a small thing called love. I fell in love with him and that's an amazing thing, isn't it It's hard to break real love. That's what I felt (feel) for him.

He just has no object constancy. Whenever I was out of his sight (and that was unfortunately a lot because of our lifestyle, he forgot who I was- he literally pictured me as bigger than I am, he'd see me and say, "Oh... you are so small... " and he pictured me as evil, "Oh, you are so pretty... "- like he was surprised). As soon as I went back to my house, even after a loving weekend, thoughts would go dark and he would struggle. He's not stable. He would need someone by his side constantly. But with his lifestyle, I could never do that. I knew enough that that couldn't happen. He prefers to sleep in the day and be up all night (until about 8 a.m. whenever he could). He is a drinker, and a smoker. Now that cannabis is legal in Canada, he will be doing more of that. More access-no doubt.

I fought so hard for us. Through six years of his instability. I was thinking today of how much I have suffered for that "greatest thing." But it was always worth it. He was the greatest thing to me. But there I was at a work site that I have gone to once per week since we got involved. When I took a washroom break there today I remembered how many times I went into that washroom, and checked my phone, and what I read there stabbed at my heart. All the break-ups, all of the pull backs, all of the cancellations, "I need to be alone tonight babe," when we were supposed to get together... all of the excitement too, anticipation, as that was a night I'd sleep at his, a night I was always without my kids, my little life reward. Hard to lose that. I really don't know how to replace that.

Once_removed. Life before him... .

Yes, I had a partner before him for... brace yourself... 27 years. Met him when I was 15 and that was love too. A very strong love for many, many years. Through all of my life, shared family (siblings), in our teens and 20's, weddings, babies, houses, moving around the province for university and work. We had a passionate love and a compatible friendship for decades. It wasn't until the last couple of years that things got strange. He left me quite suddenly and to my surprise in that 27th year, when our kids were around 8 to 11.

So there was no single life before him. I wasn't happy before him, in a single life. I always had my husband. But this new man brought new passion and affection and an emotional depth and sexual connection that I had been missing for years. Powerful stuff.

His last attempt to see me may have started as an exploration. He probably didn't know what he wanted out of it. He never does. But as we interacted more and more, his position became more fixed, and suddenly it was "as much as I would fall into you at any time, and have sex with you in a moment, there is no way I want to go back to that horrible relationship." We never saw the relationship in the same way. It was like he was hooked into something against his will. The desire would pull him into a situation he was no comfortable with. He called me a temptress (ha! so funny. I am just a normal, amazing woman, like all women).

I think the more he thought about it the more resolved he was that we should not even see each other, because the temptation would be too much, then we would fall into it, and be he'd be stuck back in the personal hell of this intimate relationship that he can not handle peacefully within his heart and his dark, spinning mind.

One of the last texts told me we could have "fun in a moment or for a night" but nothing else. At that point it was the idea of sex only.

Felt pretty empty to me, and not a particularly sweet deal, though during that denial/ bargaining period when he was sexting me a few weeks ago, I was contemplating a sex only relationship with him, because I don't want to be without that amazing thing we had, and I don't want to be with anyone else.

Anyways, after this last rejection, he feels pretty distant again. As long as he stays away there is nothing more I can or will do except try to move further and further away from loving him.

[Chitchat]

The sex only thing happened to me, too, in jest. But it was wrapped in so much love and deception that I went past the red flag. Not to speak of narcissism, or even malice, did he paint a picture of the sexual tryst he had planned? Did he visualise his performance? Does he fantasise?

[Zemmma]

I mean sure. He has always been one to describe our encounters in great detail. He's a writer and an artist. It was beautiful what he could recall and describe.

It was a fantasy, because when I took it as an invitation he drew back completely and said that our sex life was beautiful but would lead to another cycle, and the "horrible" (in his head) relationship we had.

I told him the next time he does that I will take it as a direct invitation and come straight over. I told him he can't talk like that to me anymore unless he backs it up with his naked body.

I told him the next time he gets bored he shouldn't amuse himself by f^%$ing with me.

He has been quiet ever since.

[once removed]

it sounds like he wasnt thoughtful here, but selfish, and perhaps impulsively so. its unfair and incredibly hurtful.

Anyways, after this last rejection, he feels pretty distant again. As long as he stays away there is nothing more I can or will do except try to move further and further away from loving him.

so im not sure you can count on him not to do it again, or something else. i think its paramount to choose a path here, and commit to it.

if you want pretty much anything to do with him, whether its reconciling the relationship, having a sexual relationship, limited contact, or ultimately a friendship, there is a particular kind of support, feedback, and tools, if that is where you are. it will help, and id really encourage you to use it in order to navigate these tricky waters.

if you want to detach, grieve, move on, then it may be that you need to erect some pretty high walls here, there are temptations and conflicted feelings, and without careful consideration and some help navigating, most of it is playing with fire, and theres a significant risk of continued/increased pain.

search your heart and mind. what do you want to do here? we can support you in whichever path you want to take, or try out.

[Harley Quinn]

It was a fantasy, because when I took it as an invitation he drew back completely and said that our sex life was beautiful but would lead to another cycle, and the "horrible" (in his head) relationship we had.

I think what he was referring to was the horrible torment he went through due to his thoughts and that is his experience of the relationship.  It sounds as though what he sees as healthy for himself is to not go there and I know you don't want to hurt him.  I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you either.  The guilt and shame he must feel after doing so could only have added to the torment he experienced.  He is protecting both of you by the sounds of it.

Wouldn't the best thing in the world be reciprocal and given not only willingly but freely and wholeheartedly Zemmma?  For you and for him, this was not the best thing in the world when it hurt and it hurt both of you a lot.  I'm so sorry that it hurts like it does.  As for replacing it, I haven't.  At least not with a relationship.  I don't know if I'll ever find the connection I had with my dBPDex and if I did I'd probably be fearful of the same outcomes as it was so very far from healthy.  What I do though is thank the universe that I did have that best thing for that time I did.  It was both beautiful and destructive.  Love like that with such a dark side was not sustainable and I am intact, which is really something.  I played with fire, danced in the flames, got burned, crawled out a wreck and now I stand again.  Some never come across that fire in the first place.    

Zemmma, OR has given you sound advice.  Take some time to really think over what has been said.  Only you can decide whether or not to let go within yourself.  I think you know that time will have to come eventually unless things change significantly.  Whatever you choose, we are here for you.  

Sorry for the tears  

Love and light x    

[OrionLeonardo]

Hi all,
Behaviourally and externally I am doing well.

I do not look at any of his social media. Mostly because I know that would be painful.

When I saw him both times I ducked my head and turned a corner, kept walking, didn't look back.

INTERNALLY however... .another story.

It feels like a bit of an obsession. In my head it is almost as though we are still together. I have not distanced emotionally from him. He is still very close.

As I said, when I actually see him I don't linger.

This is progress from previous breakups because I used to have the fanciful idea that if I found him or saw him in person, it was enough to bring him back.

plus now I have been so wounded by him, I don't know if I could overcome any of it for very long. It is not a high quality relationship. I couldn't love him more but our relationship is dysfunctional.

It is not the right relationship to make him happy- if there is any relationship at all that could.

So I'll keep doing what I'm doing. And my plan is to give it a good 2 years.
 
But I want to give myself a shot at a life without him. A chance to be happy and free of him so that maybe I can experience a relationship that has not only love and passion, but also trust and consistency. I want to promise myself NC for 2 years to see where I am after that time has passed.

I figure, if after 2 years I still have not recovered, and still think he is the love of my life, and the only one for me, then maybe, and only then can I consider having him in my life in some capacity. But until then, NC, try to recover in all the ways everyone suggests.

I guess my question is this. How do I get him to seem more distant?

He is so close to me emotionally.
 
But if I feel like that, I have to remind myself of all of the other bull---- that came along with it.

Reading it consolidates my decision to stay silent. It helps me feel better about the fact that we are apart.

But it also keeps him close... maybe...

But, his words, even the bad ones may keep him close.

Or maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe its just like the grief of death. It just rolls over you and you just have to do whatever feels right in any moment to get through it until the pain and memory finally fades... ?

I am trying to give it 2 years regardless. I just hate to think he has moved on while for me it is all still present and alive in my head.

Zemma

These are very profound statements. I put in bold some things I thought might be helpful.

I am proud of you for being NC. That I think is one of the best things any of us could do in regards to these relationships.

As far as romanticizing and walking routes you know he'll be on, with time, not doing those things. It's not easy. I can understand the urge to want to see them. Feeling like them seeing you will somehow bring them back to you. I have started to see those as my red flags. I don't re-read messages but I have them. I got lost in some photos the other day. My phone does this cool thing where it picks the same face out of all the pictures you have and has it's own folder. Not a good way to spend my time. It really didn't do anything but bring me down.

I could tell you many wonderful things about my ex. I could do the opposite as well. I'd like to give some suggestions for you question though. How do I get him to seem more distant?

I have done many things in an effort to do just that. The best thing I have found is Reiki. We have done cord cutting. Anger, resentment, betrayal, guilt. It helped me with talk therapy too. On that note, my therapist told me during the first month of recovering and coping that what happens is Tauma bonding. It is powerful. It sucks us in. It's them being what seems perfect then withdrawing from us until they think they will lose us, then pull us back in. I went through it for about 4 years even though the official dating was only about 10 months.

For me, what pushed my ex to push me out, was I started setting boundaries. I knew before the dating that I was not good at setting them for her. I tend to go all in, whatever you want even if I am not taking care of myself. That is one of the lessons I have had to learn from all of this. My therapist warned me that when I became more equal with her there would probably be hell to pay. I had hoped she would be wrong. Unfortunately it was worse than what even she thought would happen.

I was listening to something interesting the other day. The speaker said when things aren't going so well ask "what positive thing can I learn from this?"

So I think for disconnecting, that is a good place to start. What positive thing can you learn from this? How can you use this to help you grow as a person? What things could you work on that may prevent anyone else like this coming into your life in such a way?

There are many outlets that may help you. Meditation, writing either journaling or here, talk therapy, reiki... .The list goes on.

My hope is you find a few that work well for you and remember, when you make it through those nights you don't think you will it will make you stronger. In our weakest moments we find how strong we truely are.

  Namaste Zemma

[Zemmma]

Wow Harley Quinn! You did it again!

River of tears... .

You said some really horrible things here.And moreso because they are true.

Damn.

I hate that you have ‘t replaced that passionate love- because I feel you have been here forever. Boo. Not hopeful. Sad.

You are wise.

And maybe a better person than me. Because sometimes I wish he would hurt. Might teach him some empathy.

Argh... .anyways... .it’s all quiet now. I have no choice but to move on. And I’ve given him little choice to contact me as well. I don’t think there is anything for him to come back to. Therefore I don’t have to make a choice- but once again I will try to choose. Choose to want exactly what he has decided I get. None of him.

[Chitchat]

He just has no object constancy. Whenever I was out of his sight (and that was unfortunately a lot because of our lifestyle, he forgot who I was- he literally pictured me as bigger than I am, he'd see me and say, "Oh... you are so small... " and he pictured me as evil, "Oh, you are so pretty... "- like he was surprised). As soon as I went back to my house, even after a loving weekend, thoughts would go dark and he would struggle.

I recall a therapist describing how she identified this symptom and treated it successfully. If you can recall your caregiver, primarily the voice, you can learn self - soothing. Many could not recall their caregiver and had not learned self - soothing.

[Zemmma]

OrionLeonardo,
Thanks for the suggestions.

I know I can live without him. I know what I have learned and even how I can use it (both professionally and personally).

And I am trying to detach. It's not easy. Life was way more fun with him in it. I like how I felt having him in my life.

Slowly I can see the damage that I denied all through. But sadly, it is only when I deny the deep love I have for him that I feel okay. I have to push aside the amazing memories and feelings I had when I was with him. And sometimes they come flooding back.

I hope I can find something else in the love arena. Too much of my adult life I have lived without the kind of partner I deserve. I have to stop choosing wounded men. But who of us in not wounded? Especially at my age.

I am being so so so productive without him in my life. Just killing it. I know I will be okay. Everything I have done lately turns to gold. Seriously... All of the extra sleep I am getting! All the #$%^ I am getting done. I am a very successful and ambitious person.

But he left a really sad space. Its hard to "have it all" without a love, isn't it? I have my kids 65% of the time, and that helps. But I miss romantic love. It is a beautiful place.

Thanks to everyone for your words. What a road!

[Harley Quinn]

River of tears... .

You said some really horrible things here.And moreso because they are true.

Damn.

Sorry Zem.  

It sucks that it hurts so much.  Letting it out is good for you though.  What you need to remember is that the pain you feel now is finite, which is a vast improvement on infinite potential for more of the same.  Letting go is the hardest thing I ever did, and also the best.  I can breathe now. You can do this.  

I hate that you have ‘t replaced that passionate love- because I feel you have been here forever. Boo. Not hopeful. Sad.

I perhaps could have, had I chosen to in the last 18 months.  There have been offers, but I've intentionally not put myself on the market as I'm working on being the best me.  Some day a fine man who is worthy of the best me will cross my path.  Of that I have no doubt and I'm willing to take my time and be more choosy in future.  

Zem, there have to be passionate, interesting, fun singles on this earth who do not emotionally destroy those who love them.  Our exes may have been the best we had (and the worst), but they were only the best SO FAR.  We can be better than we were with them and by living the lives we love, following our own passions and continually growing, we will align ourselves with more suitable candidates for an emotionally healthy and sustainable relationship.    

You are wise.

Only thanks to all the mistakes I've made!

And maybe a better person than me. Because sometimes I wish he would hurt. Might teach him some empathy.

I've felt that way too.  In reality they already hurt, and that is what causes the behaviours.  They have an illness and no amount of wishing on our part will ever change that.  There comes a time to leave him to his pain and his maladaptive ways of coping with or avoiding it and stop allowing it to dictate our own emotional state.  We will help you get through this.  Give all that love to yourself Zem.  

Love and light x

[Educated_Guess]

Hi Zemma!  Thanks for sharing your story.

Getting over the idealization phase is tough.  To be loved like you are a goddess incarnate is a unique and powerful experience.  Who would want to give that up?  My own relationship with my BPD ex had many wonderful moments full of joy and laughter.  I miss those times.  I miss the sense of adventure and spontaneity.  I feel what you are saying here.

But, man, did all that stuff come with a hidden price tag!  My relationship went from no arguments and mostly fun times to total devalue and discard in less than 3 days with no explanation, no resolution.  It's like someone flipped a switch and she turned cold and full of contempt.  She also turned into quite the little sadist - I caught her with the slightest of smiles at the corner of her lips when she was telling me something she thought would really bring me down.  She wanted to punish me and did her best at accomplishing that.

How do you make sense of a change like this?  The first step for me was realizing that the idealization phase was not real.  It was a well crafted illusion.  To tell the truth, I knew this from the beginning.  Despite all the good times, I always had a feeling in my gut that something was missing.  I would question this thinking about how I could feel like something was missing when everything seemed so good.  And just like a good magician will distract you from what is really happening during a magic trick, all the idealization distracted me from that nagging feeling in my gut that something was missing.

And really I wanted to be distracted.  I wanted to believe that someone could love and adore me that much.  I needed that kind of validation from someone else because I couldn't love myself to that degree.

I'm going to tell you a story.  Hang in there - there is a point to it.

When I was about 5 years old, my mom took me to a children's magic show at the local fairgrounds.  The magician called me on stage to help with a trick. He wanted me to hold a foam ball in my hand and said he would turn it into multiple foam balls.  He put the ball in my palm and closed my hand.  He told me that he was going to speak the magic phrase and I would feel a jolt inside my hand as the ball separated.  He took my hand and knocked it on the table as he said the magic words.

"Now darlin', did you feel the jolt in your hand?" he asked as he waved his expressive hand toward the crowd.

I was confused.  I didn't feel anything inside my hand.  I knew I felt him knocking my knuckles on the table. Being quite logical and truthful even at that age, I replied with a firm "No".

The magician started sweating.  "Well, maybe you just didn't catch it the first time.  Let's try again."

As he talked to the crowd for a moment, I opened my hand and looked at the foam ball.  It wasn't a ball at all.  It was an orange foam cover for a microphone with an opening at the end.  I could see other microphone covers of different colors stuffed inside.  I realized how the trick was done and a little piece of my childhood innocence died right there on that stage.

The magician turned his attention back to me and he realized in an instant that I knew and that I was the kind of little girl that would proclaim what I know.  I could see the sweat glistening on his forehead.  His voice shaking, he said the magic words again as he knocked my hand on the table.

"Did you feel it this time?" he pleaded.   Of course I felt the same thing I felt the first time.  I looked up at him and his quivering eyes practically begged me to just play along. 

I stood in silence for a moment.  I think this was the first time in my life that I realized I could destroy someone with my words. It was a lot of existential reality for a 5 year old to take in while standing on a stage at the fairgrounds.

"Yes, I felt it," I said in a shy whisper.  I felt awful about lying.  But I also felt pity for this man who was afraid of me telling the truth.  So I played along with the magic trick. He deftly pulled out the microphone covers and showed them to the crowd.  He wasted no time in shooing me off the stage.

Every time I go to a magic show, I have to debate on whether I will pay attention to what is really happening or just relax, enjoy the show and pretend it is real.  Other magicians have called me on stage (maybe I have a gullible looking face). They have usually regretted their choice and I usually regret being a part of the illusion.

So here's the point of the story.  My BPD ex crafted a fine illusion of how much she loved me and how much that love would continue to grow for the rest of our lives.  Despite my gut feeling, I wanted to believe it and played along.  But at the end of the day, it was not storybook love.  It was not an orange ball that could magically be split into multiple balls of different colors. It was a 10 cent orange microphone cover with other microphone covers stuffed inside it.  When she thought I was beginning to see through the illusion, she wasted no time with shooing me off the stage.  Now I stand at the edge of the stage disillusioned while the show goes on without me.

The thing that was missing that my gut was screaming about was respect.  During the good times, it felt like respect and love were there.  But if she respected me, she could not have devalued and discarded me the way she did.  That is not something that you do to someone you respect.   In Randall Lang's psychological study on the experience of love and loving, he noted that his participants described love without respect as being qualitatively different than healthy love.  Even though the expressions of love seem genuine on the surface, there is a hollowness to them.

My hope for you, Zemmma, is that you see through the illusion.  Open your hand and look at what is there.  Is it what it the magician claims that it is or is it something hollow?

Once you can see through the illusion, you are better equipped to recognize what is real.  I hope you find a real, validating and respectful love in the future.

btw, are you doing your graduate work in psychology?  If so, I might have some useful research suggestions for you.

[OrionLeonardo]

I am being so so so productive without him in my life. Just killing it. I know I will be okay. Everything I have done lately turns to gold. Seriously... All of the extra sleep I am getting! All the #$%^ I am getting done. I am a very successful and ambitious person.

   Good for you. I have found myself in a much more productive place since coming somewhat out of the initial funk of it all. It's an amazing feeling!

But he left a really sad space. Its hard to "have it all" without a love, isn't it?

I think it's important to remember that WE have the love. That's part of why it is so hard. Yes, the sad space is the down side to having so much love. Just look though, look at all the love you have found here in this very open and what I find healing space.

I understand wanting romantic love. I'm with Harley on the whole thing right now. We must not jump at an offer just because it's offered. I have had a few opportunities just in the last month. I turned them down not only because I wasn't ready but also I want healthy intimacy. I honestly feel that before that person can come into my life, I need to be that intimate with myself. The old me, the one before I knew this kind of hurt, would have jumped at the offers and honestly wound up in some bad situations. As much as I could go for some mattress dancing and cuddles, making it through the night with myself has been better.

I have started singing love songs to myself. I imagine being in front of a mirror and falling in love with me. Mostly because I sing in the car and its less than safe to stare into the mirror and sing while cruising down the road. XD

Much love and healing to you 

[Zemmma]

Wow, amazing responses! Just so much care in what you have all written. Thank you!

Harley Quinn,
I read what you write, and don't even notice the tears rolling down my face. Every time. What is it with you? I think you understand so much of what I have said, and have experienced something so similar or you are super intuitive, empathic... maybe psychic...  Maybe you are "future me," here to guide me through to my better self... .ha... I can only hope to get to where you are today. Stronger. Resolved. Wiser, no matter how you protest...  I am not looking for love right now. No on-line, no usual suspects. Eyes are open but there is no one in sight. If there was I wouldn't miss him and if he had any magic at all, I wouldn't pass it up. But for now I heal alone. In silence.

Educated_Guess,
Yes, I am currently doing a doctoral degree in Counselling Psychology. I love being in school and the clinical work I am doing. If I ever navigate through this successfully I would be interested in helping people who have suffered with the specific affliction we all share. It's unique, and I have heard so many people say they would like to find a therapist who would understand what they have been through. I never, ever would have understood if I had not lived it. I could never understand why someone would remain in an abusive relationship before this man came along. I understand fully now. It's far more complex. I listen to Love the Way you Lie, (Eminem and Rihanna). I get it. You don't have to be physically abused to understand it. I get how people are hooked in. How they can't leave. Don't want to leave. The reasons they love. I have learned things I probably didn't want to know. Not sure how much of this focus would be accepted by the mainstream, academic world, but I know there are people who need help. I have learned so much about the nature of these relationships. But first heal, then help. I'm curious what you were thinking...

And the part about respect. That hits a nerve too. The way he left. That he left at all. The way he discarded without a conversation or care. Really lacking. Really cruel. He didn't try to do this kindly. He wouldn't take my call. It was a complete lack of respect. It's eye opening when I look at these facts.

Incredible story about the magician... wow. I'm not sure I am in a place where I can say it wasn't real. But there are definite holes in the story. The unexplained. If I am honest it was always there... but I'm not fully ready to see the relationship as it truly was. It means shifting some pretty firm beliefs born of my ability to trust and love. This will take time.

OrionLeanardo...
Yes. We have the love. What a thing to be stuck with! I wonder how he can forget it? He has lost us too. But I think he started forgetting long before he left. I can only worry about me now.

Must sleep! Thanks everyone, so much...

[Coastered]

. I just hate to think he has moved on while for me it is all still present and alive in my head.

I so know what you mean... .

[Educated_Guess]

Educated_Guess,
Yes, I am currently doing a doctoral degree in Counselling Psychology. I love being in school and the clinical work I am doing. If I ever navigate through this successfully I would be interested in helping people who have suffered with the specific affliction we all share. It's unique, and I have heard so many people say they would like to find a therapist who would understand what they have been through. I never, ever would have understood if I had not lived it. I could never understand why someone would remain in an abusive relationship before this man came along. I understand fully now. It's far more complex. I listen to Love the Way you Lie, (Eminem and Rihanna). I get it. You don't have to be physically abused to understand it. I get how people are hooked in. How they can't leave. Don't want to leave. The reasons they love. I have learned things I probably didn't want to know. Not sure how much of this focus would be accepted by the mainstream, academic world, but I know there are people who need help. I have learned so much about the nature of these relationships. But first heal, then help. I'm curious what you were thinking...

And the part about respect. That hits a nerve too. The way he left. That he left at all. The way he discarded without a conversation or care. Really lacking. Really cruel. He didn't try to do this kindly. He wouldn't take my call. It was a complete lack of respect. It's eye opening when I look at these facts.

Incredible story about the magician... wow. I'm not sure I am in a place where I can say it wasn't real. But there are definite holes in the story. The unexplained. If I am honest it was always there... but I'm not fully ready to see the relationship as it truly was. It means shifting some pretty firm beliefs born of my ability to trust and love. This will take time.

Hey Zemmma!  Congrats on working on your doctorate!  The mental health field needs practitioners who have experiences with the same issues that patients struggle with.  You can get all the book knowledge in the world but it's not the same as living through the experience.  It's fantastic that you want to use your experience to help others and it says a lot about the level of empathy you must have.

I was planning on pointing you to some dissertations that really helped me get through the aftermath of the break up. Unfortunately, I haven't yet been able to find a link where you can read them online.  I'll let you know if I find something.

Yes, the respect thing hit me hard too.  It was one of the things that made me see that what was really there was not what I thought it was.

It is not for me to say if the love in your relationship is real or not.  How could I possibly know?  It does take time to see what's underneath the surface.

In my relationship, I feel that my love was real - as much as I am capable of loving.  My ex's love was probably as real as it could be for her at the time.  I'm not sure exactly what love means for her.  It probably doesn't fit my understanding of love.  Maybe the love was real up until the point that I did something that triggered the fear of abandonment and the love was overwhelmed.  I'm still thinking through that. 

Where I'm at right now is that I think love is about the person - who they are.  Love is not about that person's usefulness to you.  If your bond is based on how useful they are to you, that is need, not love.  Love and need are not mutually exclusive by any means.  They can co-exist. 

I guess the difference is in how you are perceived by the person.  Are you seen and appreciated for who you are or are you an object that exists to fulfill some need or purpose?  There may have been times when my ex saw me and appreciated me for who I am.  Towards the end of the relationship, I was an object that was no longer fulfilling its purpose.

Anyway, as far as determining what is real, remember that the magician did put something real in my hand.  It just wasn't what I thought it really was or what the magician told me that it was.

[Zemmma]

Educated Guess
Not to get philosophical (ha, always) but...

I have wondered about MY love for him. And what you said about usefulness. I feel I needed him. I thought I loved him too. But I got so angry with him when he left me. And I don't feel like I want to forgive him. Until or if he says he might come back, and then I would in 2.5 seconds (useful again!). But I am unable to wish him happiness without me. So is that even love?

It seems suspiciously like the "usefulness" you are speaking of. I only want to unconditionally love him with the condition that he chooses to be with me.

I've wondered about all of this. Tied in with the co-dependency...   Somehow I can wish for happiness for people I am not as invested in or attached to but I secretly wish him gloom and doom forevermore if he maintains this rejection and abandonment of me.

Aghhh... .maybe I'm just angry and of course, under the anger is hurt.

I can analyze things to death.

Today has been hard. It's his birthday so I've been thinking of him all day. But we are six months out and I basically told him to take a hike last time he took me through one of his recycles. Somehow in the back of my head I thought he'd contact me on his birthday. Magical thinking.

He didn't call me on mine. I told him to stop contacting me and he did.

[once removed]

under the anger is hurt.

understandably. its hard to wish someone well whom has hurt us. i dont know if that necessarily begets love in the long run. do you wish him the opposite (not a trick question, most people in your circumstances might on some level)?

Today has been hard. It's his birthday so I've been thinking of him all day.

its a new day. you got through it. how ya feeling today Zemmma?

[Harley Quinn]

Sorry to hear about your tough day Zem.  As Once Removed says, you got through it and that is a milestone that you can be proud of.  Special occasions are especially difficult times.  Regular days are easier so you're in a good place now to look ahead.  Every dark cloud... .

Love and light x

[Zemmma]

Yes, thanks you two...

Of course I don't wish him harm. But I do wish he'd "see the light."

(I'm the light).     See me for who I really am. Realize that I am actually a good person, with a good heart and good intentions. Not an "evil" person he "can't trust."

He could never see past his pain enough to consider me, so I don't feel terribly guilty about how I feel. And even when I felt hurt, I never verbally attacked him or said bad things about him the way he did to me. I was always trying to preserve our relationship and make things better. I was just defending myself. Explaining myself. Trying to get him to see things logically. Trying to get him to see the love I was offering.

This fighting he said we always did... .He said we were always fighting or he was avoiding me so that we wouldn't fight.

I don't really remember much fighting at all. Just me defending myself. Over and over. And sure, probably expressing frustration over false accusations. Or talking deeply, and sometimes disagreeing.

But something would set him off when we talked. He started saying it was my tone of voice. Clever on his part, because I can't really defend that after the fact. When we talked on the phone he would hang up and focus on one thing I said and struggle the rest of the night... (emotional dysregulation). Then he'd be mad that I didn't know there was a problem. I would hang up and go to sleep because there wasn't a problem that I was aware of. Then we just stopped talking on the phone altogether.

I am okay. I made it through. He is gone. He was a bad long term plan. But I just miss him. Specifically being in his presence and talking to him. I don't miss the horrible other stuff. But I was drawn to him and would love to see him again. That's what I struggle with. Letting go.

[Educated_Guess]

Educated Guess
Not to get philosophical (ha, always) but...

I have wondered about MY love for him. And what you said about usefulness. I feel I needed him. I thought I loved him too. But I got so angry with him when he left me. And I don't feel like I want to forgive him. Until or if he says he might come back, and then I would in 2.5 seconds (useful again!). But I am unable to wish him happiness without me. So is that even love?

It seems suspiciously like the "usefulness" you are speaking of. I only want to unconditionally love him with the condition that he chooses to be with me.

Ah, Zemmma, this is a great insight!  It may not seem like it right now but you are hitting on something big here. 

I will write more (and will totally dive into some philosophy) when I am able to get back to my computer. 

In the meantime, let me say this.  Be careful not to split yourself.  There may have been times when your own emotions in the relationship were based on need more than love.  That does not make you all bad.  That doesn’t mean that your love was not real.

This just means that you are a jumble of good intentions mixed up with misguided (probably unconscious) intentions.  In other words, you are human.  Be kind and graceful with yourself.  Your ability to evaluate and question your own actions demonstrates that you are a good person and your capacity to continue growing and learning.

After all, the person who thinks he can do no wrong will see no need to continue growing and improving.