How do I tell the kids I'm leaving their npd,BPD diagnosed father after 24 years

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello
I have been away from this site and a lot has changed.  It turns out I was not fine with just appeasing him and his behaviors to keep the peace.   His behavior continued and in many ways has gotten worse.  I can no longer tolerate it.  I have decided to leave him.  He asked me for a divorce 3+ times this summer during arguments and I finally said yes.  He now is accusing me of wanting the divorce of course, (I have never once asked for it); also trying to win me back by saying he's changed.  He did go to a male counselor that had been recommended to him many months ago (never even made contact back then, but has now agreed to go) and is saying all the right things.  Except I don't believe him.  He did not mention the npd, BPD to the therapist and says he was angry at me so that's why he acted out.   That sealed the deal for me.  I know now he will never ever do the hard work in order to change and I cannot live a lonely life "with" him anymore, pretending I am happy.  Even when he is in a "good" mood, there is no deep connection and I have realized I am a heart centered person and absolutely must have this in my life.
My question here is: How do I break this news to the kids?  21,19,16 &10.    We are all dependent on our "roles" in our perfect, shiny, happy family.  Once the dust settles, I don't think the older ones will be surprised, but I literally need specific words to say to them to start it off.  It is my hope, although naive I'm sure, that my npd, BPD husband and I will remain civil and even friendly as we continue to co-parent our children, after the divorce, which will help.   Even though I know I can't control their reactions or prevent them from feeling any pain surrounding this, I do want to tread lightly and say the right thing.   I don't want to involve the children in any adult issues, but what do I say?  I have been an expert at pretending I was happy all these years... .how do I now tell them I'm leaving him?  
Any recommendations welcome.
Thank you thank you
Cocoon girl.

[cocoongirl]

Hello
I have been away from this site and a lot has changed.  It turns out I was not fine with just appeasing him and his behaviors to keep the peace.   His behavior continued and in many ways has gotten worse.  I can no longer tolerate it.  I have decided to leave him.  He asked me for a divorce 3+ times this summer during arguments and I finally said yes.  He now is accusing me of wanting the divorce of course, (I have never once asked for it); also trying to win me back by saying he's changed.  He did go to a male counselor that had been recommended to him many months ago (never even made contact back then, but has now agreed to go) and is saying all the right things.  Except I don't believe him.  He did not mention the npd, BPD to the therapist and says he was angry at me so that's why he acted out.   That sealed the deal for me.  I know now he will never ever do the hard work in order to change and I cannot live a lonely life "with" him anymore, pretending I am happy.  Even when he is in a "good" mood, there is no deep connection and I have realized I am a heart centered person and absolutely must have this in my life.
My question here is: How do I break this news to the kids?  21,19,16 &10.    We are all dependent on our "roles" in our perfect, shiny, happy family.  Once the dust settles, I don't think the older ones will be surprised, but I literally need specific words to say to them to start it off.  It is my hope, although naive I'm sure, that my npd, BPD husband and I will remain civil and even friendly as we continue to co-parent our children, after the divorce, which will help.   Even though I know I can't control their reactions or prevent them from feeling any pain surrounding this, I do want to tread lightly and say the right thing.   I don't want to involve the children in any adult issues, but what do I say?  I have been an expert at pretending I was happy all these years... .how do I now tell them I'm leaving him?  
Any recommendations welcome.
Thank you thank you
Cocoon girl.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I wish I knew how to help you. That's a tough spot you're in. And I'm sorry you've been pretending and suffering in secret for so long. We all know how lonely that feels.

You deserve some peace and happiness, and your heart is in the right place when you worry about your kids first.

I'm thinking you might find some advice in boards where people have already divorced, so they can tell you how it went and how they did break the news to their kids.

My SO divorced her NPD husband, but there was violence involved, so she just had to tell them that she wanted to keep them safe. And they didn't need any convincing.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[worriedStepmom]

It's hard to take these first steps.  Really hard.

Are you in therapy?  Are any of your children?  If you aren't, I highly recommend it.  You've got decades of programming to undo.

Your children know much more than you think they do.  The timing might be a shock to them, and they might still have a lot of unresolved feelings, but I doubt they will be completely surprised.

My H and his uBPDxw divorced when SD was 2.  She is now 11, and he finally explained to her this summer why they divorced.  The conversation went approximately like this:  "You know how your mom is.  After you were born I realized that as much as I wanted her to get better, I couldn't make that happen.  I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore, and I couldn't make you live like that 100% of the time."

If you want to shy away from discussion of their father's mental illness, I like the language of Willard Harley's Marriage Builders - the love bank, emotional needs, and love busters.  You can simply tell the children that at some point, love and closeness can die if the number of love busters outpaces the number of emotional needs that are being met.  You have tried very hard to make your marriage work, but you are tired of walking on eggshells to keep the peace in your household.  It is a stressful way to live, and you will be happier on your own, and you hope that their father can also find peace and happiness.  Above all, the fact that you will divorce your spouse does not mean that anyone is divorcing the children. 

I would expect at least the older kids to ask more detailed questions at some point, and you can decide how much to share with them.  Again, I highly recommend therapy for everyone... .and especially for the youngest who will be going back and forth between homes.

Good luck.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[zachira]

You are wondering how to tell your children that you are getting a divorce from their father with NPD and BPD. I suggest that you make it clear that both you and their father love them and the divorce is not their fault. Children often think that they have done something wrong that caused their parents to get a divorce. Assure the children that both of you will always love them, and this will never change. There are many books on how divorce affects children and how to help them adapt to their new lives after the divorce. I recommend therapy for your children as they have been exposed to some pretty extreme behaviors by their father. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[ForeverDad]

You are wondering how to tell your children that you are getting a divorce from their father with NPD and BPD. I suggest that you make it clear that ... .the divorce is not their fault. Children often think that they have done something wrong that caused their parents to get a divorce.

So true.  The walls have ears, so to speak.  Even the young children can feel that way but not know the words to express those feelings.  Definitely, assure them it's not because of them.  (Very likely you remained married longer than you would have otherwise because there were children!)

It's even possible that some of the children will say, "It's about time!"  I kid you not.  The kids may very well be supportive of you shifting from appeasing mode to strong boundary mode.  Of course, it could go either way, too.

Notice I dropped the "both parents love you" kumbaya section.  I have concerns about that.  It puts your stbEx on the same level with you, parentwise.  Very likely his quality of parenting, in addition to how he treated you as spouse, was severely lacking if not also abusive.  I would not excuse him.  Let him stand on his own two feet.  That's the consequences for poor behaviors.  Even young children face consequences, age appropriate ones.  Well, he's an adult, has been for many years, there are consequences.  Let him face them, don't cover for him.

Why do I say that?  The children almost surely know something is 'off' with their father.  If you minimize it then it could be invalidating.  If they've noticed poor behaviors, don't gloss them over with well-meant but invalidating phrases such as, "... .but he loves you too."  Of course, you don't go off on a tangent with a blamefest either.  I'm just saying that in an objective and supportive way your long term goal should be to validate their correct observations and guide them to reach fact-based objective conclusions.

[cocoongirl]

First of all, what a gift this site is, and you all are.  To take the time to reach out to me and offer me a response is almost too wonderful for me to comprehend.  I have been struggling silently for so long that this genuine support is like a life line. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Forever Dad,
Thank you for this. I do know they have seen some of the physical violence and definitely the verbal abuse as well as been it's recipient, so I agree with you that they will more than likely not be surprised.   I really like what you're saying about not putting us on the same parenting level.  I have done every single bit of parenting in this house by myself, with patience and love and fun.  He resented the time they took away from him (let it be known that I literally catered to him and his needs 24/7 but in between had to tend to the children too and always invited him to partake  He would take his anger out on them in the form of rages, withholding affection, judging, criticizing, blaming, abandoning, etc.  you know the drill... BUT I WAS GUILTY OF ASSUAGING THEIR PAIN BY SAYING EXACTLY THAT... .DAD DIDN'T MEAN IT, HE LOVES YOU, blah blah blah, But you are right! I do know now I was undercutting their ability to read the situation correctly and trust their instincts.  Invalidating!:((  So, thank you for mentioning that!  I think the guilt of being the one to file would have led me down that path of making everything ok, gloss over and cover up all over again.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I will do as you suggest and guide them to long term fact based conclusions on their own.    I really appreciate your honest feedback and suggestions.  Thank you!   

[Panda39]

Hi cocoongirl,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I thought I'd pull a couple of things from the resources here that might be informative.

ARTICLE: Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271677.msg12577885#msg12577885

POLL: Protecting your children during divorce

Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have. For their children, it can be even worse. While many non-BPD parents cannot avoid a custody battle, we can learn how to manage our own anger to help reduce negative impacts on our kids. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=71557.0

Take Care,
Panda39