Are they afraid of lawyers? Etc?

[12years]

Are BPD's afraid of lawyers? Of therapists? This seems to be what is happening here in these final stages before divorce. I have a lawyer and let my non diagnosed BPD husband know this, and he is absolutely the most verbally abusive and game playing I have ever seen. He says he is going to get one but then he doesn't, then he says again he is going to to threaten me and then he doesn't even consult one. Then because I have one he calls me stupid and says "if you are going to lawyer up" this is "scored earth."

But, then two weeks ago, he said "you better lawyer up" and go talk to one so you have the facts. This is after a huge episode where I left and packed the car with the kids in it and did not want to come back. I shouldn't have. I found out that I can leave with them if I leave a note. Does anyone know about this or done this? I also told him to leave under no uncertain circumstances, and he refused.

But, back to lawyers, are they scared to be found out? Much like the therapists, he only went when the end was threatened and then it was too difficult for him to "make his appointments" , they were too far apart, and had to keep getting rescheduled, a huge point of contention and disagreement. Are they scared to be revealed? This is a person who has not gone to the dentist in 15 years! So, therapy appointments would be horrible?

Any thoughts or past experiences about lawyers, therapists, dealing with the extreme nastiness in the end. I knew this would happen. I am just about to serve him and then hopefully get him out. But, the pure nastiness now will only escalate. I am scared of him and stay in a separate part of the house. And he much like the statements about the lawyers says "I am moving out" makes some plans then trying to negotiate not having lawyers involved says "I am not moving out, this is the only leverage I have." You shouldn't tell me that. And I want him to move out for a long time now. How do I get around this waffling back and forth? When this is serious stuff, moving out, lawyers, etc. I usually just ignore him and do my own thing with the kids as he waffles and I don't hold him accountable for anything. Should I just go on my path, serve him, get him out, then just make sure the police are close by?  He had anger issues and we have had incidents, I even called the police. I told all this to the lawyer so I hope it will get him out. But, he is so erratic and raging I am afraid, isn't that silly? and I have a plan to go to a hotel when he is served but somehow I am not taking the last step, until after next week and my son's birthday, is my one holding back. But, it's horrific and I have to be brave. How do people get through this? It's really really bad, even worse than I thought it would be.

[worriedStepmom]

There seem to be two main types of BPD personalities - those who thrive on conflict and use their lawyers to create all kinds of chaos until the absolute last moment, and those who fear that level of external conflict.

My H's uBPDxw is terrified of lawyers and therapists.  They managed to get an amicable fair divorce and custody agreement on their own the first time around.  When we brought SD11 to therapy 6 months ago and then hired a lawyer to file a custody modification, xw dysregulated A LOT.  She eventually decided not to show up at the first hearing and agreed to sign whatever H thought was fair.  It was not fun getting to that point, however, and 2 months later she is still doing her best to make our lives and SD's miserable on a regular basis.  It is very much "change back" behavior - she wants to go back to the status quo and she wants the therapist fired, and she will manipulate in any way possible to get there.

It might benefit you to talk to your local woman's shelter or call the domestic violence hotline to get specific tips on what you ought to do to keep yourself safe.  You might also talk to your lawyer about whether to file for a protective order that will keep your soon-to-be-ex away from you.

You can do this.  One day at a time, and, if that's too hard, one hour at a time.

[12years]

Thank you so much, worried stepmom. Those are some good points, I will ask my lawyer. And I have a plan in place to leave but not to a shelter.

[Mutt]

Hi 12years,

I just wanted to add to what your title says you could say are they afraid to be alone the fear of abandonment is a core criterion for BPD, a lawyer symbolises the beginning of the end of a r/s it leads to divorce, he's terrified of being alone in fact a pwBPD will anticipate that everyone that is in their lives will abandon them a dysfunctional way of coping with that is they will try to abandon their loved one to prevent being abandoned. I understand the logic but it's a r/s killer.

But, then two weeks ago, he said "you better lawyer up" and go talk to one so you have the facts.

I think in a way here he's trying to tell you that he'll leave you before you leave him that's the nature of the disorder.

[livednlearned]

BPD is about extreme mood instability and after that, it's a spectrum of traits that a person may or may not have. A very dysregulated person on a terrifying emotional roller coaster is going to struggle with certain tasks, and calling an L may fall under that.

When you think about how your mind worked during the most emotional experience, multiply that by 10 and that's how it probably feels to be BPD.

A lot of us get jacked up emotionally and react in ways that step on the gas, inadvertently making things worse.

It sounds pretty rocky at home right now. How are the kids handling the stress? Does your H seem to direct his anger at you or is it hitting the whole family?