I'm actually protecting my unborn children from being damaged

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm still in withdrawal but I have a thought pattern that might help. She always wanted children, will maybe have them. But she needed so much of me, so much uncertainty was there, we weren't happy, what would that have done to the children if we had had them? And since my "role" is "protector" (in life and in my relationships) then I know by leaving I'm actually protecting my unborn from having a BPD mom (albeit high functioning) and the full consequences of growing up like that. Maybe there's still time for me to have a happy family and awesome children (I'm 52 don't judge me I was lost in myself for awhile)

By staying away we are protecting our unborn children from being damaged.

[Euler2718]

I'm still in withdrawal but I have a thought pattern that might help. She always wanted children, will maybe have them. But she needed so much of me, so much uncertainty was there, we weren't happy, what would that have done to the children if we had had them? And since my "role" is "protector" (in life and in my relationships) then I know by leaving I'm actually protecting my unborn from having a BPD mom (albeit high functioning) and the full consequences of growing up like that. Maybe there's still time for me to have a happy family and awesome children (I'm 52 don't judge me I was lost in myself for awhile)

By staying away we are protecting our unborn children from being damaged.

[Euler2718]

Another thing, I'm awful lonely but it's my sadness I'm feeling. I just read texts from her from July when she said "I might kill myself someday. Or maybe I'll just run away. Life is hard, and running is just procrastination".

Even now I'm not that low, and she goes there maybe more than she's telling me. So I can have compassion when I remember how her illness affects her.

[Husband321]

My ex BPD wife was trying very hard to have children with me.

From what I read on other sites, it is common for them to use this as a way to trap a guy.   Not necessarily for financial reasons, but so that you can basically never leave them.  Sure, you can divorce, but you will always be tied to them.

In her first marriage she had 2 children.  She used this as a way to basically do whatever she wanted for 10 years.  Her husband was in many ways "stuck" as you can't just replace the kids mom.  So this meant she could leave, come back, cheat, and always have a place to go back to when she wanted.  Which basically means the husband was raising the children by himself.

[gotbushels]

By staying away we are protecting our unborn children from being damaged.

I considered this too. I think it helps in thinking for the long term. There's a few opinions (some quite strong) about the role of the parent having causality on BPD traits in children.

[once removed]

By staying away we are protecting our unborn children from being damaged.

i did consider this. the whole "i dodged a bullet" thing.

the fact is, my ex was and is great with kids. i suspect she will be a terrific mother. one of my longest, closest friends has BPD traits, and is, by far, the more stable, loving, consistent parent.

we weren't happy

what helped me is moving from the hypothetical "bullet", to a question of fundamental values.

for example, my ex and i had significant differences religiously. im a christian, and i want to (ideally) raise my children in a christian home, and its important that my partner and i be on the same page in that. my ex is an atheist, had no interest, or even the opposite, of wanting to raise a child that way. so daddy and son or daughter go to church without mommy. big division there. son or daughter want to know why. get in fights with mommy about it. mommy and daddy fight about it. after church, mommy gets her time to explain why its all nonsense and what she believes. thats only fair, right?

additionally, my ex and i fought often, and we fought hard, and it got ugly most of the time. not the loving environment i want my children to grow up in either, ya know?

and i want to have children. i think we would have made a good team in a lot of ways, and an unhealthy team in some very critical ways.

take the facts of the matter - the values differences in your relationship, the dynamics, the unhealthy ways in which you worked as a team. while its a very important consideration, it need not only apply to the prospect of having children, it likely applies in other critical ways to your relationship.