Father with BPD, we are not talking but I know I cannot cut him out

[Z_bpdfather]

Hello,
I just joined after I heard about these forums through the book Stop walking on Eggshells. Having browsed a few pages in the “parent with BPD” forum, it seems most are dealing with mothers. My father is the one who has BPD (not diagnosed officially as far as I know though he’s acknowledged he does have a mood disorder so it must have come up in his therapy). I’m 26, married, have a child. My mother passed away three months ago at the age of 51.

When I read the book SWOE, it all made sense to me. I suspected for a long time he had bipolar or that he had something wrong that made him a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He’s been such a complicated person in my life, having caused so much pain and anguish to me as a child and my whole family and especially my mother. My childhood has screwed me up. And now after my mothers death everything blew up and we’ve been estranged. It’s been so hard to explain my life to everyone and needing someone to talk to and help me analyze myself is an important part of why I joined.

My father was a preacher and he was this a prominent member of our mosque, so growing up with him in that position meant we were often in the spotlight. But people didn’t know what it was like at home. My father can be very funny, charming, kindly, and friendly. He often comes across well, but he has no friends. I always noticed that he always Effs up relationships in his life but I realize now even the people he’s close to, are not really personal friends. Some people are for a while but never for long. He doesn’t speak to his brother and sister and only his younger brother does he speak to (but not about personal things).
At home, my father created an environment of fear. His angry outbursts and irrational tirades were genuinely a feeling of walking on eggshells. My parents fought all the time when I was a child but by the time I was older, my mother began to give up more and more, changing and twisting herself to fit his impossible requirements. It burns me that she thought maybe she was the one who could have done more and not that he was literally mentally unstable. I mean of course we all knew he’s unstable but idk, she held on to the good days. Some days he was just... .great. So generous and laughing and doing fun stuff with us and showering her with compliments. I guess she lived for those days. Other times were... .he blamed her for everything . She was messed up she didn’t make him happy she could never make him happy, she was a terrible wife, no one appreciated him, we didn’t appreciate his singing voice (?), we were hanging up on him, we always do, we are all against him, we have xyz flaws, he wants to throw our things away (throwing our things was a common thing he did. Always a spur of the moment thing when he suddenly got a flash of energy he suddenly wanted to do all these things, sometimes good happy things otherwise crazy things like punishing us by throwing our art or toys or beloved something). His anger was out of control at times. Over the past five years when my mother was going through cancer, she considered leaving him so many times. When it was so bad, my sister and I would try to convince her and she seemed so close to agreeing. Then he would start the process of being suddenly kind and vulnerable and seemingly reasonable. During the crazy days he was screaming and throwing and denying reality (he reacted badly to being criticized, to having someone seem to not pay attention while he talked about politics or whatever, if someone mentioned to critiqued how much he had spent since he always spent way too much on impulse buys we couldn’t afford,  if he thought he caught us mocking him, if he was already in a bad mood and we talked back or he thought someone was being disrespectful, etc etc etc) and if he did or said something super out there and Ann hour later or the next day we confronted him about it or quoted him verbatim, he would lose it. Totally deny he said that, accuse us of lying. Or I he was winding down and becoming more “reasonable” he would just start talking about how that’s not what happened and say some alternative version of what happened (often omitting his role in it by doing this). Anyways because he eventually became the funny jovial guy again, when him and my mom got along, she struck around. And divorce is a big deal for Muslims and for the preachers wife to leave him would be a big deal. And she really didn’t want be alone either. My heart hurts so much that such an intelligence and worthy woman was stuck with HIM, and devalued and disrespected her whole married life, changing and submitting and distortion herself to try to create peace in the home.

Anyways, my father had another woman (one he justified as an allowed “second wife” but really it was cheating. There are genuine people in Muslim communities that have two wives and it’s an amicable situation for all parties.) For our family it was a terrible and hurtful thing. My mother had to live with this open fact (the woman had been her best friend), and he often pitted them and talked about her and his marriage to the other wife. I went to college then married young because I wanted to escape this nightmare home. Relationship with father wa sup and down and I wanted to cut him out but my mom begged me not to (he also took it out on her and accused her of turning her children away from him and I couldn’t allow her to go through that so I started talking to him again) and when we were all together we pretended we were normal. And in goodbye times it was. He could be very generous like randomly giving me a bunch of money, he could be interesting and intelligent to talk to, funny and as a family we had a good time in good moments. Even then a thing could set him off. Happy convo and someone brings why did he buy three iPhones, and his face would harden and maybe in a different conversation an hour later about another topic then he would burst in anger at us for disrespecting him and how dare we speak about that and then just rant about a million other grieveinces and the happy bubble would burst.
C
Anyways as an adult it was a bit easier as he had less power over me than when I was a child and Locked in fear of what he might do, what he would throw, who he would call and embarrass me in front of, if he would get violent (he wasn’t physically abusive buy the threat hung there), what social outing or thing I had planned would be for I’d me from going to all of a sudden. As an adult I could leave. Our fights became rarer as I wanted to maintain peace while there, and he controlled himself more around me as he knew I could just leave back to my home. We lived in different cities but visited often.

Anyways this last year my mother became so sick, that my husband and I and baby moved cities to live with my mom and care for her as my father said it was too much for him, and of course I wanted to as well. In this time living there I became very depressed as it was such an unhealthy and toxic environment to return to and live full time. Felt like my life and all progress was erased and I was again a child living there. One time things got so bad and a family fight resulted I. Him slamming open and door and hitting my sister, and screaming red in the face in front of my toddler. I had made it clear I wouldn’t tolerate any behavior like this in front of her. I packed and left immediately to my MILs house across town, for two weeks. But it hurt my mother so much and she needed so much help with daily tasks, it was crushing. I regret blaming her but at that time I felt so resentful that she would ask me to come back rather than move out herself , Knowing It was such a painful environment for me. I know she herself was a victim and it’s not fair to put blame on her for that or times throughout my hildhood when she wasn’t able to stand up for me.
Anyways when I had moved out my father had sent so many messages apologizing and promisingly to get therapy and he was going to get better etc and he did start going but after I moved back he stopped which is what happens every time. Then he got into another relationship this time with someone in our community (first one which didn’t work out had been overseas) and it was so hurtful to my mother, he wouldn’t just try to make her give her blessing but shame her (I had to because you’re terrible and because You don’t make me happy etc),because he wanted to properly marry this woman.  and we asked him to please just wait till my mom passed which wasn’t far away, and then he could do whatever he wanted as is normal for someone who lost his wife. He got angry and these conversations alwyz ended up with him being evasive and not answering questions and blaming us and being defensive. At some time I forget when we got into another fight where I left and he made promised and I came back (in getting timeline mixed now).
 As my mother got worse, he traveled once on a fun trip he didn’t wanna cancel cus tickets were paid for (she was hospitalized then and of course hurt that he would leave at that time. Despite everything she loved him and just wanted him to love her properly).
After she was given weeks to live he went on a fifteen day work trip speaking tour. He case back the night before she died.
After my mother passed away and despite my father and sister and I grieving together in hospital, things took a terrible turn. His brother and sister along with many family cane from overseas for funeral. He interacted with his sister but when his brother came (who he had died with because according to his brother, my father misspent 10000 he had loaned him), he became skulky and his away in the room. After my uncle left, my father was in a bad mood. Oh I forgot to say he was also really bizarre when people visited for condolence somberly, but he was laughing and joking and talking about politics or whatever. As if it’s a social call. Anyways, family left one by one and on the fifth day when just me and my husband and sister and her husband were left, he found out my mother had privately told us and her family that she was leaving certain assets to us (which he assumed would be his or shared by us).this was when he blew up, and raged and said he was kicking USB’s out and to take all my mothers things or he would throw them. Yelling and insulting her.
Of course we immediately packed and shocked and angry, left. My sister had a flight the next dAy. Within a week of my moms death, he had moved his new wife and her kid into the apartment.
 The weeks and months since, he has sent all these messages asking why we did this to him, dying he doesn’t care about the assets but why did we leave, denying he kicked us out, saying our relationship rupture was because of insidious meddling by my aunt and uncle etc, just complete reframing and denying reality (I think he genuinely convinced himself that this is the truth).

I don’t want my daughter to lose her grandmother AND grandfather. She was quite close to him and asks about him often. I also realize my father though he’s done terrible things, is messed up by BPd and needs help... he is a product of a BPd father and his own childhood was terrifying and traumatic and also involve s physical abuse I think. Seems to be family history of mental illness. I have anxiety and depression.
He needs help but becoming a part of his life again is so painful and toxic, and would mean accepting a relationship with him knowing he won’t admit any wrongdoing or ever hurting me or my mother, and continue to propel his false reality and gaslight me... we live in the Same city and attend the same place of worship. I don’t know how to do this. I feel thlike only cure is to lock him in a month long treatment facility as therapy or physiatrists never stick and he quits. I wish someone else could deal with it.i have a hard time talking to ppl and only told some close friends but they don’t get it when I say he has BPD. They don’t understand whaT I’ve been through.

[Kwamina]

Hi Z_BPDfather

I want to welcome you to our online community  I am sorry though for the circumstances that have led you here. A BPD parent can really affect the entire family and unfortunately that seems the case with your uBPD father too.

Losing close family-members is often very tough, I am so sorry you lost your mother. She was sick for quite some time and I can imagine how difficult that must have been for you. Do you feel like you've been able to properly start mourning this loss with everything that's been going on with your dad?

As my mother got worse, he traveled once on a fun trip he didn’t wanna cancel cus tickets were paid for (she was hospitalized then and of course hurt that he would leave at that time. Despite everything she loved him and just wanted him to love her properly).
After she was given weeks to live he went on a fifteen day work trip speaking tour. He case back the night before she died.

I consider this quite shocking behavior which says a lot about your father's character, or I should say his lack of character. I am glad you were at least there for your mother in those final weeks

Anyways, my father had another woman (one he justified as an allowed “second wife” but really it was cheating.

Your father having an affair with your mom's 'best friend' and then looking for ways to 'justify' it, also says a lot about the type of man he is. I can see why this woud hurt your mum, you and the rest of the family so much. Was this affair also known to people outside of your family and if so, how did people view his relationship? Did they buy his story of her being 'an allowed second wife'?

Within a week of my moms death, he had moved his new wife and her kid into the apartment.

Has he as far as you know, expressed to anyone why he did this so quickly after your mother's passing?

On a rational level it is difficut to understand why your father would behave the way he does. The suspected BPD could definitely explain many things, yet still, even many people with BPD do also have certain values and certain lines they actually won't cross. There seems to be a big gap between your father's professed values as a preacher and his actual behavior in practice.

You still go to the same place of worship as your dad. How do the people there currently regard him? Is he still held in high regard?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

I hear there is a lot of pain and confusion over your feelings about your father with BPD. You do not want to cut him out, yet you are very hurt over how he has behaved without regard to the affects on the rest of the family.  What do you think your obligations to your father are, and are there ways you can limit your contact with him and the affects he has on your well being while still feeling that you are doing what you can to help? We are here to listen and support you in any way we can. Many of us who post on this site have a family member with BPD, and we are all a work in progress in learning how to heal from all the hurt while deciding how to best deal with our family members with BPD. Most of us have looked long and hard to find the solutions that work the best for us, and no two people with a family member with BPD will take the exact same course. Keep us posted and let us know how we can be helpful.

[Turkish]

I also realize my father though he’s done terrible things, is messed up by BPd and needs help... he is a product of a BPd father and his own childhood was terrifying and traumatic and also involve s physical abuse I think. Seems to be family history of mental illness.

My mother is the same,  which gives me sympathy.  When my mother made criminal elder abuse accusations against me (and my little kids), it crossed a line.  I had to protect my primary family which is me and my two little kids,  now 6 and 8. My mother or on a skilled care facility,  and we visited her early in the summer.  The kids are unaware of her accusations against me and them.  The visit was OK.  We pray for her to be healedand S8 says to live long. They miss her,  but praying for her helps them. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hello Z_BPDfather,

I’m so sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your mother and all that happened.

You said you cannot cut your father out of your life. That’s perfectly fine, you don’t need to do that.

Can you tell me what type of relationship you envision yourself having with him? For example, how often will you see him in person or talk on the phone?

I look forward to learning more about you and how we may help you.

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Z_BPDfather, 

There is so much you have experienced in your life, lots of pain and hurt pouring out of you. I'm sorry, and also for the loss of your mom.   This is very hard stuff.

I think that having a preacher father makes it even worse, this representation that we think of as being righteous and exemplary but causes his own family to be wounded even more through the hypocrisy that they see in front of their eyes. Where are you with your faith now?

Have you considered the possibility that your father also may have NPD traits in addition to his uBPD traits? In the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me there is a diagram of the co-morbidities that often go along with BPD. NPD is one of those. Some of what you described reminds me of this.

I think it can be even harder when a dad has BPD, unique in the sense that a male presents other aspects than the typical female, I.e. he may show more NPD than a female in the same place.

Glad you found us and are sharing your story!

Wools

[zachira]

I just read "Hard To Love: Understanding and Overcoming Male Borderline Personality Disorder". There are definitely some good tips on how to deal with a male with BPD for both family members and therapists I posted a short review in the book section.