New Member: Heading for divorce with BPD wife of 33 years

[Long_term_dad]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here.

I’ve been physically separated from my wife (“the BPD”) of 33 years and we have agreed to divorce.  I would say I am in the depression/acceptance stage.  I won’t go through all the details but I will say that Randi Kreiger’s books about BPD pretty accurately describe our dynamics.  I use the pronoun “our” deliberately because I totally get that I am the other side of our dysfunctional relationship.  In fact a lot of my work right now is about creating boundaries both to protect myself against her, as well as to prevent me from reaching back in and reactivating the dysfunction.

Although I am new here I am already grateful for the community and I hope to be able to be helpful to anyone else while I learn.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

You will find many people are in similar situations with some just starting the divorce process and others already working through it. 

This board is the Bettering a relationship board. You mentioned wanting to learn boundaries to protect yourself.  We also have tools that can improve or at least stop making things worse when you talk with your wife and as you proceed with your divorce.  This board is the best place to learn those skills so please share more, ask question, take a look around and jump in when ready.

I do want to direct you to the right hand side of the page where we have some great resources.  You will see tools, lessons and other articles that you might find helpful.  As you share more of your story we will be able to better guide you to a particular resource if you'd like.

In the mean time, take a look around.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are in, but am glad you have found us.  Can you tell us a bit more about your situation?  How long have you been physically separated?  How long ago did you discover that BPD might be a factor in your relationship?

RC

[livednlearned]

I would say I am in the depression/acceptance stage.

That's a hard place to be in, emotionally. I'm glad you found the site and are reaching out. People here understand what you're going through.

a lot of my work right now is about creating boundaries both to protect myself against her, as well as to prevent me from reaching back in and reactivating the dysfunction.

I imagine it took a lot of strength to decide that physical separation was needed. What events led to you moving out?

In what ways do you feel compelled to reactivate the dysfunction with her?

[Long_term_dad]

Thank you.

Just so I understand, am I in the right board (you mentioned "bettering relationship").  Of course I want as good a relationship as I can, but we (I, mostly) are past the point of getting back together.   Being new here I especially want to be careful to not be where I shouldn't be so please do advise if that's the case.  I will check the right side. Thanks!

Hi and welcome!  I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

You will find many people are in similar situations with some just starting the divorce process and others already working through it. 

This board is the Bettering a relationship board. You mentioned wanting to learn boundaries to protect yourself.  We also have tools that can improve or at least stop making things worse when you talk with your wife and as you proceed with your divorce.  This board is the best place to learn those skills so please share more, ask question, take a look around and jump in when ready.

I do want to direct you to the right hand side of the page where we have some great resources.  You will see tools, lessons and other articles that you might find helpful.  As you share more of your story we will be able to better guide you to a particular resource if you'd like.

In the mean time, take a look around.

[Long_term_dad]

Hi Radcliff, I first bought Randi's book 5 years ago and I was so relieved to learn that I wasn't going crazy - like so many others, I was in a long cycle which amounted to me wondering if it was me, what I could do differently, patching drama's up, making excuses for her behavior, etc.  Life was zipping by and I was constantly in a state of disorientation.  Honestly, although that was watershed moment, my circumstances allowed me to accommodate the dysfunction by not being there, under the same roof, more than was required.  In some ways that wasn't all bad because I had (and have) a strong relationship with my kids and I bought some time as they grew up, to the point where their care and custody is less of an issue than it would have been had we split up then (they are now almost 21 and 17, and one is away at college).  Of course this may well come back to haunt me, but I digress.  I was led back to Randi's books and this group as a consequence of some other growth. 

I had gotten into the habit of going out alone to concerts (wife never wanted to go), and one night, a year ago, I found myself at a concert in LA sitting next to a single woman of about my age, and I felt sparks!  I hadn't felt sparks or anything like sparks for years, so this activated something in me and I began to want more from life.  Nothing came of that encounter but it reactivated a sensory memory of another, happier time. 

That was the beginning of the end.  We had once agreed that if ever one of us wanted to see others, we should inform the other, so I did that.

We have spent the last year living apart and very soon we will start the divorce process using a mediator.  We are agreed that our shared interest is the kids' well being. I also want the best for her.

Interestingly, even though our relationship was unhappy to the point where we both chose to - basically - live under separate roofs, but when I informed her of my feeling she basically rewrote history and wanted to work things out.  We tried a few couple's counseling sessions but I just wasn't open to it.  In ways I left years earlier.

My challenge now is getting on with my life.  I have a nagging fear - literally anxiety - when dealing with her at all, and because we're still legally together we can't go more than a few days without being in touch about something, if only paying bills.  She wants to know where I am (I stay in AirBNBs often) and who I see (even for coffee).  I have a zero-disclosure policy on the latter, but will usually tell her where I am staying (in one area or another).  She is convinced I am having an affair, which if I wanted to I would feel OK about (I am in CA, a no-fault divorce state, and we have been separated for a year) and so we have had many difficult conversations where she demands or pleads with me for "full disclosure" but I know from experience that no amount of information is enough and that's just a gateway to endless discussions.  I struggle with setting and defending boundaries and I find even a call with her can set my mind spinning (literally, I will be disoriented for up to an entire day after), so I avoid these moments like the plague. 

I could use some help or suggestion about supporting my right to have a life after, including now.  It makes sense that I should be entitled and able to "have a life" but I am really afraid of her learning ANYTHING above the basics about my next life because it is so detrimental for my psyche to get interrogated, to defend boundaries, and so on. It's exhausting.Sorry for the long post.

 

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you are in, but am glad you have found us.  Can you tell us a bit more about your situation?  How long have you been physically separated?  How long ago did you discover that BPD might be a factor in your relationship?

RC

[Radcliff]

That's a long marriage, and a lot of work in a BPD relationship to get those kids to 17 and 21!  Is your 17 year-old a senior in high school?  How often do you see him or her?

You are in the right place for now.  Bettering is a good place to start, and is the best place to learn the tools.

Did reading Eggshells impact your coping strategies?  Did you try any different methods to improve things in the years after you read the book?

[livednlearned]

I have a nagging fear - literally anxiety - when dealing with her at all, and because we're still legally together we can't go more than a few days without being in touch about something, if only paying bills.

I agree with Radcliff about Bettering being a great board for learning skills for stuff like the above.

The skills you learn here will benefit your kids, especially modeling for them the skills they will need throughout their life, both with her and in their interpersonal relationships.

I struggle with setting and defending boundaries and I find even a call with her can set my mind spinning (literally, I will be disoriented for up to an entire day after) so I avoid these moments like the plague. 

Has it improved since you moved out (over time)?

What happens that leads to the mind spinning? How do you respond to her?

[Long_term_dad]

In what ways do you feel compelled to reactivate the dysfunction with her?

Well, this is the thing.  Mostly I find I want to reach out to her in a way that pre-empts me being attacked by her for not reaching out.  It's sort of tormenting I am doing a good job NOT acting on those impluses, but it's a challenge and an area in which I am keen to figure my role.

[Long_term_dad]

I agree with Radcliff about Bettering being a great board for learning skills for stuff like the above.

Has it improved since you moved out (over time)?

What happens that leads to the mind spinning? How do you respond to her?

Thank you. I will scope out "Bettering"

To answer your questions, yes, it has improved both in the decrease in frequency we are in contact as well as my ability to set and maintain boundaries.

A typical "bad call" will start with her asking me if she can tell me how she feels, and devolves into her psychoanalyzing my behavior, always starting from the position that I am somehow broken.  When I have interrupted this to say "I don't want to have this convo" or "this isn't a good time" I am met with a lecture on how I never want to have these conversations or how I owe it to her to hear her, etc, followed by a resumption of the conversation as if I hadn't said anything.  But the other day she called and started in as described and I said "I don't want to go there but I will listen to the first thing you want to tell me, but no more", and it worked!  I was proud of this small victory.

[Long_term_dad]

What happens that leads to the mind spinning? How do you respond to her?

This is a new realization for me.  She called the other day while I was driving and the call went on for a while,  mostly with me listening to "how she feels".  I struggle with feeling like I should hear her out (and she tells me I "owe her that").  The next day I woke up and felt like I was just not all there, a bit like I had a poor nights' sleep or something.  Coffee and regular activities did nothing.  I just didn't feel sharp.  About 18 hours after the call the fog lifted and I realized, while I couldn't quite figure out HOW that happened, it happened.  So, my following call I was much better about standing firm about not being able to "go there" in the conversation.

[Radcliff]

Living a life completely without boundaries can be a difficult, disorienting existence.  It is simply untenable long term.  Some of us make it decades before realizing this, though.  Boundary successes can be very empowering.

If you are having your first preliminary successes with boundaries, I'm wondering if you may have learned about BPD several years ago, but not made much progress with the tools.  I will confess that I learned about BPD several years before I joined this message board and got serious about the tools.  After first learning of it, I remained isolated for years and made some progress on my own, but didn't really understand that there was a set of coping tools I could learn.  What was your experience like after learning about BPD?

RC

[Long_term_dad]

That's a long marriage, and a lot of work in a BPD relationship to get those kids to 17 and 21!  Is your 17 year-old a senior in high school?  How often do you see him or her?

You are in the right place for now.  Bettering is a good place to start, and is the best place to learn the tools.

Did reading Eggshells impact your coping strategies?  Did you try any different methods to improve things in the years after you read the book?

Hi Radcliff,

Yep.  Long time and yep, my youngest is junior in high school.  I communicate with her every day thanks to all the new media options, and I see her probably half of each month when I am in town.

Reading "Eggshells" (actually, I listen) has been very very helpful.  I have spent hours and hours going over it, in some ways just cramming the information into my head.  Tonight I learned about intermittent reinforcement and how that can "go both ways".  I think that's important info for me.  The book, and others, and this group have all been super helpful and supportive for me.  I am grateful.

[livednlearned]

I will listen to the first thing you want to tell me, but no more", and it worked!  I was proud of this small victory.

As you should be! That's a great example of setting limits for yourself. 

I've read here and elsewhere about the importance of the word "will" in setting limits for ourselves (for others).

Maybe you can set this up into an ongoing boundary by building on this victory.

"I do best when I hear one thing, otherwise I get flooded because there are so many things coming in at once. I will listen to one thing, and then that's it for me."

What do you think?