I think I’ve reached acceptance

[JNChell]

Hello, all. I started out on this board when I finally decided to post. I was shredded emotionally. I was at the end of my rope. Honestly, I’m lucky to be alive. The thing is, my ex wasn’t responsible for my downfall. She was simply a trigger of my past. I tried to hold onto her as tightly as I’ve held onto my past because I wanted to correct my past on a subconscious level. Hope that makes sense.

I didn’t take the time to get to know her. That’s my fault. I was all in from the start. She adored me INTENSELY and I reacted to it unwittingly. It felt really good. In fact, I don’t think that I’ve ever felt that good in all of my life. This is where I get a little confused in my journey. Do I reflect on those good feelings with positivity? Or do I view it as being deceived and that the woman that presented herself to me wasn’t the woman that I got to know?

I accept that I want as little contact with her as can be possible. We share a young child. I also accept that there is not a chance of ever being with her. I accept that it is 110% over and I’m good with that. I miss the physical aspects of she and I, but the more important part, the emotional relationship was never really there. I own my 50% of that.

Coming out of the FOG is a really big awakening. Being able to think clearly about myself again has been rather refreshing. I’m regaining my identity. In doing so, I’m realizing how much I need to work on myself. Healthy folks don’t stay with unhealthy partners. We can berate our exes until pigs fly. We can take on their burdens and feel guilty for leaving them. We can feel intense anger over how we were treated. We can desperately want to/try to help them. We can’t.

I’m also finding that I want to be the person that was idealized. There is a crux here as well. As good as it felt, there was a consequence. I was desperate for love and a correction to my childhood.

I’m finding myself ready to move on from all of this stuff. It’s exhausting. I accept that this stuff happens at its own pace.

I accept the end of our relationship.

[once removed]

Do I reflect on those good feelings with positivity? Or do I view it as being deceived and that the woman that presented herself to me wasn’t the woman that I got to know?

i think that the person we meet in the beginning of a relationship is more complex than we could ever see initially.

i dont mean that they arent authentic. ideally, they are. but we all tend to idealize new romantic partners, and we all tend to put our best foot forward, the most attractive version of ourselves, in a new relationship.

thats just basic mating and bonding. but its one stage of a relationship, that at later stages, will face pressures and challenges, new stages, and it will either evolve or devolve. i think that generally speaking, most of us, and our partners struggled with those pressures and challenges, were faced with adversity, were uncomfortable with it... .uncomfortable with our partners and ourselves, and the relationship broke down over time.

idealization was, as you described, a significant part of the early stages of your relationship (true for many of us). when that inevitably fades, a person who is deeply invested in it will struggle, try to get it back, feel resentment, distance, they may feel "this person fooled me". on the flip side, the other person usually feels similarly. "where is this person i thought was so great. i feel fooled.". theyre flip sides of the same coin. its two parties struggling to see each other on a continuum, rather than the idealized version they saw at the beginning.

i dont think theres deception in that. just two wounded people with big needs that came together. 

i think that starting with the acceptance of that means there really werent heroes or villains in our stories. that makes it a great deal easier to look back on the qualities of our partners that we liked or loved, and might want in future partners, to look back on the good times and appreciate what they were, and shake our heads at the bad ones.

what do you think?

[JNChell]

once removed, thank you.

[i dont think theres deception in that. just two wounded people with big needs that came together.

This simple statement brought tears to my eyes. It’s so accurate. I feel so bad about bringing my stuff to her doorstep, and I’m angry about her lying about her stuff.

She is wounded. I wish that I could aid her. I’m wounded too. There is no way that we could’ve worked.

Man, I’ve been crying pretty hard over that statement. Thank You. The crying feels better.  

[Turkish]

A very senior member here once wrote,  you can't fix your issues with one person with a completely different person; that's impossible.  

I think that applies to a lot of us who grew up on BPD-like households. Taking it a step down,  it applies to us as well, apart from the shadow of FOO (my ex continued to use that excuse to justify her behaviors in the marriage of the guy she left me for). Support,  compression and caring should exist in any relationship, but individuals are ultimately responsible for their own stuff.  

[JNChell]

Hey, Turkish. We are responsible for ourselves. I’m glad that you brought this point to light. I can empathize with your ex using her FOO as an excuse for her actions. I’ve been guilty of this, but I refuse to ride on that anymore. I’m my own person. My legacy doesn’t reside with the horrible things that were done to me. I’ve made a choice that your ex is perfectly capable of making. pwBPD can heal and the NPD can be managed. It’s rare, but it happens.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, It sounds like you've been through a lot.  One inquiry that you might find worthwhile is why you entered into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place, when others would probably have run for the hills.  I'll give you a hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  The good news is that going through the BPD wringer leads to greater understanding of oneself, which in my view is a step in the direction of greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Hey, Lucky Jim. Thanks for chiming in. You are exactly right. FOO is everything. The path that we’re guided to go down by our parents is the path that we’ll take. Until we don’t anymore. As I grew, I had this inkling that my upbringing had a lot to do with how I felt during certain situations throughout my life. It’s a painful history lesson to wade back through failed relationships and my own bad bahaviors, but that’s where I’m at. I’m ok with it now for the most part because I’ve been able to pinpoint my failings and those of my parents. It’s kind of a weight off to know and to have a real focal point to work from. This has taken therapy with a trauma specialist that won’t end any time soon and this support group which has been invaluable.

[Lucky Jim]

This has taken therapy with a trauma specialist that won’t end any time soon and this support group which has been invaluable.

Great to hear, JNChell.  It sounds like progress to me.  Once you can identify the pattern/dynamic from your past, you will have the power to change it going forward, which makes all the difference.  BTW, I wouldn't necessarily call your past mistakes "failings," as I'm sure you were doing the best you could based on your skills at that time.  Hey, we're human!  We don't know what we don't know, so cut yourself some slack.

LuckyJim

[Insom]

Hi, JNChell.  I hear you're grappling with some big questions.  (Nice comments by om, Turkish and Lucky Jim, btw.)

Do I reflect on those good feelings with positivity? Or do I view it as being deceived and that the woman that presented herself to me wasn’t the woman that I got to know?

It sounds like you've framed this as an either/or situation.  Feelings were positive.  Or feelings were based on deceit.  Can you call up an in-between scenario that accommodates both concepts where you get to own the positive feelings, (yes, they were real!) while also accepting the relationship had flaws?

[Baglady]

Hi J,

I feel like I'm very much on the same page in terms of my stage of healing.  I'm grappling with very similar themes as I disengage from my exBPDh.  And yes, like you, I trace my initial willingness to get drawn into the relationship back to needs that weren't met by my FOO.

I'd like to attempt to make you feel better on one score though.  You wrote:

I didn’t take the time to get to know her. That’s my fault. I was all in from the start. She adored me INTENSELY and I reacted to it unwittingly. It felt really good.

Conversely, I DID take the time to get to know my exBPDh.  I was with him for close to seven years before our marriage.  And yet, here we both are at the same point in the disengagement of our relationships.  Time and caution on my part didn't make any difference to our ultimate outcome.  High functioning BPD idealization is so insidious and covert and devilishly difficult to uncover initially particularly if you are a partner with deep unfulfilled emotional wounds as a result of your FOO. 

So hoping that this is one point at least that you can feel free to stop beating yourself up about 

Warmly,
B

[JNChell]

Thanks, Baglady. I guess that we just can’t know what we’re getting into until we’re already in it. I hope I’m wiser now.

[I Am Redeemed]

This is where I get a little confused in my journey. Do I reflect on those good feelings with positivity? Or do I view it as being deceived and that the woman that presented herself to me wasn’t the woman that I got to know?

Hey JNChell,

I struggle with the same question. So much information is out there about narcissistic abuse and how the mask is deliberate, purposely deceptive in order to bait the target in until that person is emotionally invested. Also there is information describing the abuse cycle and how the apologies and periods of good behavior are calculated and meant to manipulate the target into letting the guard down again. I have incessantly questioned whether the initial love bombing was done with deceptive intent or whether it was a true expression of emotions. Did he purposely hide his real personality until he had me reeled in close enough? Was it all a ploy?

I think on some level, yes. I think he probably was on his best behavior at first and that lasted for as long as he had the capacity to keep it up through sheer willpower. Kind of like an alcoholic who tries to stay sober without any support or tools or treatment of the substance abuse disorder.

Speaking from experience, that doesn't last long. An untreated disorder always surfaces and takes control, always. Trying really hard with just your own willpower NEVER works. And I think that is what happened with uBPDh. We got closer, he became more comfortable with the status of our relationship, and the BPD behavior started.

I didn't know that it was a PD. I was so used to dysfunction, being dually diagnosed with substance abuse disorder and major depression myself, that I just accepted this craziness because I was conditioned already to exposure to crazy.

I think if there was deception, it was not meant to be malicious. I think, probably, he was deceiving himself as well, thinking that our relationship was so perfect that all those issues he had before wouldn't be an issue this time. It was always someone else's fault anyway. When he was idealizing me, I think he probably expected that I would be different from his exes, therefore he would be different and the relationship would be different.

I don't know if it would make a difference if it was deliberate deception. I would feel like a fool for being manipulated like a pawn.

But if it wasn't, then the feelings were real and the whole thing is really tragic. And that makes me sad.

I am glad you have reached a place of acceptance. I am just beginning to wrap my head around detaching, and acceptance seems so far away.

Congratulations on your progress.   I know it took a lot to get you there.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed