The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

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This workshop is to discuss the "Do's and Don'ts" for adults in a relationship with a person with BPD.

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally wounded by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, and is depressed is likely to be consumed by the intense emotions and finding their self worth in decline.  To be in a "BPD relationship", you've got to be very strong, very balanced, and very self confident.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally weak and does not have "high level" emotional skills to cope with life's complexities - especially in times of stress.  It is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "people with BPD traits need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining values and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it.

Maintaining routine and structure   Setting and maintain boundaries   Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times   Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums   In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally   Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail   Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior alone, will be not enough to heal your relationship. - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Your partner has to be trying.

Protection: Difficult things will likely happen in a BPD relationship and it is important that you try to protect everyone (you, the BPD, the children) - financially, emotionally, etc.  Be prepared for digressions when they occur -  they will. This could range from controlling the bank accounts, to educating the children, to having a suicide threat or domestic violence safety plan.  You can mitigate the down times.

Preserve Your Emotional Health: The intensity of emotional reactions canb take a toll on even the strongest.  Since you cannot escape the natural human impulses to "recoil when pushed too hard"  or "be overly protective" when your partner is hurting, it really important to have other outlets / escapes to keep yourself centered and grounded. It's important not to become isolated. It's important to have a significant emotional support system for yourself (e.g., a support group, close friends, family) that is sacrosanct. To do this, it is very important that these outlets be managed carefully and that you are smart to position them non-threatening to your partner. Appreciate that no one wants to be talked about behind their back and you have to be proactive to assuage those fears regarding family and friends.

Understand Why: There are a many reasons to be in BPD relationship or to try.  It's a deeply personal decision.  Sometimes the reasons are unhealthy- such as BPD/NPD relationships, BPD/Co-dependent relationship, etc.   It's important to understand your own emotional health and what motivates you to "stay in" and build a life that "evolves around" and has to "continually compensate for" the acts of a complex person. Many professionals enter therapy when they are treating BPD to stay grounded.  It is a good idea for you too.

I thank everyone participating for helping develop this workshop topic.

How do you feel about each of the items above? What additional points should be included in each category?

What are some of the challenges in each category? Things we can do to be more successful?

What additional subjects/category are important?

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[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[oceanheart]

This is really good, everyone - you covered the topic well. I have BPD and I’d like to add a few things.

Strength: You will need the strength to be able to emotionally detach at times from your SO, to be able to separate his/her issues from your own, and to not take personally the behavior of your SO. You need a very strong sense of identity and worth in yourself.

Realistic Expectations: Maybe stress even more how dealing with a person with BPD is not a fair fight between equals, but rather a contest of wills where the SO may likely have a zero-sum mentality rather than a true desire to compromise and come to agreement (i.e., a win-win situation). People with BPD often feel attacked in any sort of argument - no matter how mundane - and thus will react defensively to most issues (I'm assuming). The non basically has to be the adult and expect, especially pre-recovery, to be the "bigger person" most times. This entails taking it on the chin, so to speak. You have to willingly accept an unfair fight most times, because of the SO's tendency to be hyper-defensive and to see any criticism as a threat to their very core self. Also, pick your fights - you'll need to reserve strength for the big battles.

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": This is tricky because there's a fine line between being supportive and being enabling, and choosing to help vs. choosing to be a victim. Consistent boundaries are very effective, but the SO will fight them all the way until they are sure you mean it and will enforce them.

Self-Destructive acts/threats require action: I would differentiate between suicidal threats, substance abuse, reckless driving, etc. and self-injury because they are very different animals. It's important that the "non" not be too supportive and understanding at the expense of their own valid feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration. Self-injury is a sign of illness and maintaining personal boundaries of one's own cannot be forgotton. It's a delicate situation because you taking a strong position on SI may actually increase the behavior (NO, you are NOT the cause of the behavior - they are choosing to engage in it).

Understand Why: This is an especially important section. I would add how important it is for you to do an emotional pro/con list, which might help you identify some underlying reasons you may be staying, and to remember that healthy relationships do not take this amount of work, especially on the side of only one partner. I would also ask of yourself what "proof" you need from your partner that they are truly trying to change. Maybe there could be a section that list signs to look for that show the SO is serious about recovery efforts?

Here's information from the book "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with BPD":

Dealing with fears of abandonment:

• Understand and accept borderline anxieties: For the BP, living a life apart from her is abandonment: a husband who works late at the office, a girlfriend who spends time with other friends, a therapist who sees other patients, all may be perceived by the BP as abandoning. Such feelings are real [tho not TRUE] and must be acknowledged. Trying to use logic to convince the borderline that you are not abanding her is usually fruitless.

• Respect your own limitations: While accepting the BP's need for constant reassurance, don't totally abandon your own interests. Establish compromises between the BP's needs and your own, and stick to them.

• Don't try to play doctor: Interpreting behaviors in a clinical way may be perceived as controlling and can result in anger and greater defensiveness. During a conflict, never ask, "did you take your medicine today?" This will only reinforce an insulting implication that the BP is "crazy".

• Prepare the BP for separation: For many BP's the future, particularly an unpleasant future event, doesn't appear on the radar screen. The hope is that what hasn't yet happened perhaps never will. However, ignoring it will only precipitate more severe hurt and anger when it occurs. Don't mention a weekend fishing trip with the guys two months in advance and then avoid discussion until the night before. Instead, remind her about it and propose some compensatory activity: "on't forget, honey, next weekend I'll be out of town with the guys. I know I'm really going to miss you. Let's go out to a nice restaurant and show this weekend." Though you may be trespassing into self-serving strategy with this kind of reminder, it is better than intentional silence or avoidance of the issue altogether. Similarly, the therapist needs to periodically remind her patient about her upcoming vacation.

• Utilize transitional objects: "Something to remember me by" - a picture, an audiotape, an article of clothing, or any possession that links the BP to another person of importance - can lessen the pain of separation.

• Be consistent: Work for a compromise and stick to it. Ambivalence will only result in more pleading and conflicts later

[RedRoses]

Can someone explain in more detail how to “position” support (friends, family, support groups” so they are non-threatening to our BPD partners? I can appreciate that no one wants to be talked about behind their back, but, talking to friends/family for support isn’t really “talking behind someone’s back” in the typical sense. It’s venting. It’s obtaining validation and empathy because our BPD partners aren’t capable of doing it. 

My uBPDH has done a good job of isolating me from my friends and villianizing my family (saying they are out to get him or me or ruin our marriage out of jealousy). He feels threatened by everyone. He even was jealous of our fish when I had to do tank maintenance! Friends at work or school, or otherwise outside his social circle, are even more threatening to him bc I think he knows he can’t charm them in an attempt to discredit whatever “$hit talking” I might be doing. Even my T is a threat.

Maybe the fact that my H has very high paranoia and narcissism and is also abusive makes this harder for me than usual?

I guess I’m looking for clarification on how to find a middle ground, because the people closest to me are also closest to him, and are a risk for triangulation, and those farthest away elicit extreme paranoia and hostility.

[Seashore]

Someone needs to say this.

Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with the disorder? First, it's important to remember that despite these intense and disruptive symptoms, people with BPD are frequently good, kind, and caring individuals. Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time.

Furthermore, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD talk about how fun, exciting, and passionate a BPD partner can be. Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and a strong desire for intimacy.

[Harri]

Hi RedRoses. 

I can appreciate that no one wants to be talked about behind their back, but, talking to friends/family for support isn’t really “talking behind someone’s back” in the typical sense.

I think the point is to maintain (or in some cases develop) outside friendships.  Not necessarily to talk with about your pwBPD but to give you some time to pursue your own interests and hobbies.  So you have sources of relaxation and respite.  I agree that someone with paranoid traits is going to make this harder to manage on your end but carving out space for yourself is vital. 

Can you take a class or spend time at the library?  Have coffee with a friend?  Gradually adding groups of people into your life is probably the way to go.  Not spending too much time with any one person or thing. 

Does any of that sound doable?

[once removed]

It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally wounded by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, and is depressed is likely to be consumed by the intense emotions and finding their self worth in decline. To be in a "BPD relationship", you've got to be very strong, very balanced, and very self confident.

to complicate the balance, id add a few things:

1. be open to the idea that you are wrong, especially where it applies to our role in resolving conflict

2. avoid the trap of seeing yourself as superior and your partner as broken, their perspective as invalid.

i think a lot of people reading would say "ive bent over backwards to understand my partner, if anything ive capitulated and doubted myself too much".

but i think "great deal of strength and emotional stability" means finding and living in that balance. to understand and accept your loved ones struggles, to be a leader, without seeing yourself as superior or one up. to be self confident, to be true to your boundaries and values, but also to ask ourselves if/when we are too rigid, what the mature thing to do or not do is and whether that fits our approach, and to be pragmatic.  not to take on all of the unkind words and accusations of our partners, not to "capitulate", or be a door mat, but to listen with empathy and consider what is valid, not outright dismiss.

lastly, i think its important to know your limits and live them, and not be guided by FOG. you are not in a prisoner in your relationship (level of commitment or circumstances not withstanding), and though ideally it will never come to this, the ability and willingness to walk away from a person, a relationship, circumstances, in harmony with your values, will serve you.