C-PTSD and being reactive

[JNChell]

Hi, all. Being reactive is one of the biggest symptoms of PTSD/C-PTSD. I’ve never harmed another person in my reactions. Not physically, but I’ve had tremendous outbursts and suicidal actions. There, I said it. I’ve destroyed my own property while in the throughs of a severe emotional flashback. There’s a lot of shame attached to that incident.

I recall being backed into a corner by my partner before S3’s mom. She was trying to provoke me into striking her. She was literally chest bumping me like guys do when they’re becoming aggressive. She was yelling, “hit me mother ”. I remember the feeling of imploding inside of myself and grabbing my head. When I was backed into that corner, I put my elbow through the wall. She then told me how crazy I was. I questioned myself, but she finally backed off. In the moment, I had to show her my physical power to simply make it stop. I was scared and my head was full of “white noise”. I was in a panick and I reacted.

I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this reactivity. I know that it’s impulsive. Much like our pwBPD.

I am quite reactive and I’d like advice on how to remedy this from folks that have been through it.

[Learning2Thrive]

... .
I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this reactivity. I know that it’s impulsive. Much like our pwBPD.

I am quite reactive and I’d like advice on how to remedy this from folks that have been through it.

Yes, my brother. I can relate. I grew up watching my father punch holes in walls, punch my mother, threaten us all with guns, knives and baseball bats. Let me just say a child can not learn healthy coping skills for anger, fear or overwhelming emotions when this kind of behavior is all they see.

I never did anything close to the level of my parents’ behaviors, but I am ashamed to admit I broke things (mostly my things... .like my glasses, tore my clothes while I was wearing them ... .out of control stuff like that).

I do not do these things anymore. I no longer feel compelled to behave in such an anguished manner. Why?

First, I no longer engage with abusive people. Several years ago I severed contact with those who enjoy abusive mind games.

Second, I started spending time taking care of myself: therapy, eating right, educating myself about abuse, physical activity—I NEED strength and endurance activities like distance cycling or long hikes or workouts that last 2-3 hours, etc.

Third, I have come to the conclusion that I will never be entirely cured. In this, I am peacefully surrendering and accept I will have good days and bad days but I will always need a regimen of mindful self care due to the trauma I sustained as a child.

It has taken me 53 years to get here, but I am proud that I have made it this far given the circumstances. I try not to fall into self pity but hold on to thankfulness that I am better than I was before and I can choose to continue to improve.

At 53, I have more sand in the bottom of my hourglass than in the top. I don’t want to waste a precious second more than is absolutely necessary entangled in or becoming disentangled from fear, anger, bitterness or grief. I want to be my best self. I want my actions to speak louder than my words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMVjToYOjbM

Sending you love, JNChell, and lots of positive thoughts and encouragement.
 

L2T

[Fie]

JNChell,

Yup, same here. Also me I'm ashamed to say that my reactions haven't always been so balanced and yes it has happened to me that I threw/ smashed something.

Like Learning2Thrive I also don't do that anymore, and like her my first explanation for that is that I now avoid PD. Take the trigger away and there is no need for a reaction anymore.

I guess secondly better communication skills and working on my (hidden) anger might have done the trick. But avoiding to be around crazy was the biggest factor. I took the external crazy away and then was able to / had more energy to work with the internal crazy, I guess  :-)

[Harri]

Hi, all. Being reactive is one of the biggest symptoms of PTSD/C-PTSD. I’ve never harmed another person in my reactions. Not physically, but I’ve had tremendous outbursts and suicidal actions. There, I said it. I’ve destroyed my own property while in the throughs of a severe emotional flashback. There’s a lot of shame attached to that incident.

Sure, I can relate to this.  I too never hurt anyone physically but I can't say that I have not lashed out verbally, in addition to putting my fist through walls on a couple of occasions and throwing things.  I looked at how my coping strategies and especially my way of dealing with anger has caused me and others problems in the present.  (this applies to more than just anger.  Anger is just one example of an emotion I had/have difficulty with).

What helped me get a handle on things is getting some light on the behavior (like you did here!) and looking at it head on.  Accepting that my anger is mine to own and my responsibility to control.  It also meant being okay with having emotional flashbacks, knowing what was going on and again, looking at my behavior and deciding to change it. 

What strikes me about your story with your previous ex is that even in the face of gross provocation you *chose* to go backward with your elbow and put a hole in the wall.  To me that speaks of control and some rationality there.  No real harm to a wall right?  I am *not* making light of this or rationalizing.  I am pointing out that even under some pretty hard circumstances, you made the choice to not direct violence and anger towards the exgf.

I spent about 3 weeks of therapy sessions talking about how I am capable of murdering someone.  I had come to that realization before:  that all people are it is just most people have never had to confront that part of themselves (thankfully).   The story:  I was in the kitchen cutting vegetables for dinner and my mother was working beside me running her endless litany of complaints, gossip, verbal abuse, etc.  Nothing new, nothing too outrageous.  The usual.  For some reason I was angry and I kept getting more and more angry, wanting her to shut up and stop.  I had a pretty sharp knife in my hand and all I could picture was using it to make her stop... .yes, stabbing her.  I raised my hand and for a split second, I was ready... .only to calmly put the knife down and walk away.

The choices we make are important too JNChell.  That is what my T taught me.  I was so focused on the anger within me and the fact that I wanted to kill my mom in that moment and missed the fact that I made a choice to walk away.  In a perfect world, I would love to be one of those people who can read that and say "I never!" or "I would never!  She's your MOther!".  I don't have that luxury.  What I do have is the knowledge that I can keep making better choices even under incredible stress.

Thanks for posting this and putting yourself out there.  It is really hard to do I know.

[Harri]

Pete Walker.  Can't believe I forgot to link this!

13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks

Also, check out Shrinking the Inner Critic. (you will see it listed on the page when you go to the above link)

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks For a discussion that took place here on the board.  Good stuff.