Should I give her an answer why I left?

[PeteWitsend]

Hey all... .I took "the plunge" recently and so I'm moving from the "conflicted" board to this one.

we're under temporary joint custody and financial orders now, with things scheduled to be finalized several months from now.  we'll see how this goes.

since I moved out, my stbxBPDw has alternated between angry demands about this, that, and the other thing, and messages pleading and begging me to answer "why?" and whether I'd reconsider.

Since she has no way to assure me the results would be any different from the LAST time I reconsidered - on that occasion her promise to "work on herself" lasted all of 15 minutes, after I agreed to table the preparations for divorce - my answer to her plea reconsider is a firm "NO."

Anyways, here's my question:

I feel after several years of marriage, and a few more together before that, I owe her an answer as to why I left, since just a couple days before our last fight I was hugging her and telling her I loved her. 

doing this in person is out of the question, since she'll just deny everything she did and said over the years, put the blame on me, and go in circles.

I was thinking of sending a carefully drafted letter, laying out my reasons for throwing in the towel.

A friend counseled me to start drafting it, but not planning on sending it for several months... .and take a long time to ensure I say everything I want to say.

Thoughts?

Good idea?  Bad Idea?

I'm not interested in using the letter to facilitate any further communications; my only goal in sending it would be to provide her with some closure, and help her move on as well.  I don't know if I'm better off leaving things unsaid though, given her extreme emotional reactions to things.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello PeteWitsend,
IMO I would not give her reasons. She's a grown adult and grown adults now when they did wrongs things. I can't think of any good possible outcomes. I saying this from my own experience, my exBPD would just go in rages when I would try to talk to her about her actions. This may be a charming technique to win you back and then the cycle starts again.

[AnuDay]

No,
There's an interesting article somewhere on google called divorcing or separating from a BPD.  It gave me a lot of insight.  Your letter will only serve to make yourself happy.  You know for a fact that BPD's don't have the logic to dissect anything accurately or how you would see things whether it's in writing or in person.  Being that it's a divorce what you write could end up as evidence used against you.  Just don't do it.  I think I wrote a "take me back" letter.  Deep and heartfelt.  You know where I found it? In my closet.  My advice... .don't waste your energy.  But I know you need closure so maybe keep it simple and short.  Tell her how you will never take her back.  Show her how strong you are mentally.

[ForeverDad]

Your post makes me feel you want some Closure.  That's normal.  Unfortunately a person with BPD may not be able to reciprocate in that way, if she would even listen to an explanation.  You may have to Gift yourself Closure.

[Harri]

A friend counseled me to start drafting it, but not planning on sending it for several months... .and take a long time to ensure I say everything I want to say.

I think this is a great idea.  Write the letter for you with no intention to send it and see how you feel.  Ask yourself too if telling her is for her or more about you and doing what you would want done for you.  Sometimes what would be best for us is not good for the other person.  So take your time writing it and think about it. Just writing it can give you closure.

[livednlearned]

If you write the letter, would you be willing to workshop it with your therapist, or get one if you haven't already found someone?

It can be very therapeutic to list factually what happened in the relationship. And a therapist can help you see where you rightfully take responsibility for the failure of the relationship, and where you don't.

She is likely in a serious dysregulation right now, and anything you send will likely hit a wall of intense emotions, not the most optimal time to be doing a forensic evaluation of the relationship.

She may not be able to take in what you're saying, and will need to summon the full force of her protective coping and defense mechanisms to mitigate the pain.

What if you gave her a small gift suggesting you take responsibility, without divulging details:

"I'm going to spend time working with a therapist to help me learn and grow from this, to learn what went wrong and what I could've done differently. I think it would be healthy and helpful for you to do the same. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do."

It says I'm leaving, I care about you (regardless of what happened), we can both grow (separately and apart from each other) and therapy is where I plan to learn how to not repeat the mistakes I made with this relationship. That option is available to you, too.

No blaming, shaming, while still offering her a firm boundary (answer is no), while recognizing that the enormity of what happened is best processed with someone trained in this.

[flourdust]

Is she asking this question because it's a complete mystery why you're divorcing her or because she's not hearing or accepting what you've told her?

[takingandsending]

I'm not interested in using the letter to facilitate any further communications; my only goal in sending it would be to provide her with some closure, and help her move on as well.  I don't know if I'm better off leaving things unsaid though, given her extreme emotional reactions to things.

But it will encourage further communications, and possibly not the kind that you want. I had this talk with my xw with a friend of hers as a facilitator. I explained my reasons, not using BPD but behaviors that she had. She saw it as my inability to see how much growth she was making, basically blaming me for failing her.

I can understand why writing a letter may appear perfect - emotionally safe communication that can allow you to release some of the heavy feelings that you may be burying or carrying deep within. My suggestion is to focus on exploring those feelings and making friends with them. If writing a letter helps you get there, use it as a vehicle but not as a destination, I.e. it’s for you to reflect on and use, not her.

You will have ample opportunities to establish how you want to communicate with her going forward as you have children together. It is a life course in learning about boundaries for me, what they are and why they are not unkind.

[Toad17]

I agree with previous replies - it's better to not send written letter with a laundry list of reasons, because of the legal complexities involved. I anticipated this and decided to convey all my reasons through Couple counseling. My good friend gave me this ideal. My goal was to use a reference point in future, and have a neutral 3rd party in the room. If she questions my reasons in future, I can keep referring to that particular session and quote my reasons to everything I said in that session. I'm pretty sure she is going to forget what I said or pretend to forget. But it's not my problem. If you still want to convey the reasons informally, be ready to get all the blame because she might not accept your reasons. I wouldn't recommend confronting her 1:1. Use DEARMAN rules. State facts and not get too emotional. Don't tell her she is flawed, just tell her how you felt and what were the facts or patterns. Tell her you would have acted the same way if anybody in her position had behaved that way. Tell her how you are not OK to live in this pattern of conflict. If you need closure, write everything down in a journal and eventually delete it, but don't sent it. I know it's hard!

[Panda39]

Is she asking this question because it's a complete mystery why you're divorcing her or because she's not hearing or accepting what you've told her?

Or is she looking for a way to start more drama and engagement with you?  My SO's uBPDxw as they were separating and going through divorce would use any number of things both positive and negative to try and get my SO to engage with her.

My ex who is not someone with BPD (but is an alcoholic) would ask me "why" too.

What I would tell him was... .I don't want to hurt you, I'm just no longer happy and no longer want to be married.
(Lots of "I" messaging)

My statement was true and I mean what's the point of telling him all the reasons? To give him a death of a thousand cuts?  I didn't want to be married anymore but I didn't want to hurt him any more than I had to either.

Panda39

[Newyoungfather]

I should also mention that writting a letter to her with no intention of sending it is a great way to release your emotions.  I actually did that but I then burnt the letter as a final way of putting the past behind and letting go.

[Waddams]

One other comment - you will likely get the opportunity to tell her in the form of testimony in court.  Might be helpful to write it all out, have it organized, and not send it right now.  Reason being, you don't want to give her time to work out some word salad and mental gymnastics that turns into a finely tuned performance in court of her own intended to make herself the ultimate victim of her evil, abandoning husband.

Instead, work it out with your counselor, and coordinate with your attorney how best to present her abuse and mistreatment to the court for consideration with respect to any thoughts of you providing her with spousal maintenance and the distribution of marital assets.

You are now divorcing her and you don't owe her squat for any reason, regardless of how many types of emotional blackmail she sends your way.  Hold your cards close to your vest, say as little as possible to her, and position yourself to get through this divorce in the best possible position you can.  If in doubt whether to tell her something, remember that anything you say can and will be used against you later.  So just do yourself and your lawyer a favor and stay silent towards her.

[ForeverDad]

Waddams made an excellent point,  If you expect or suspect you will be in court for an assortment of allegations then you need to be especially careful not to give your ex ammunition against you.  If you write something along the lines of "I'm sorry for doing/saying... ." then that makes it appear you did something bad and "it will be used against you".

... .This highlights a huge risk many of us face — about ourselves and our Nice Guy & Nice Gal personalities — where we are too concerned about being overly fair when we really ought to be focused more on self-protection... .

Be careful not to share too much information with her... .  Don't explain to her, she won't listen to you, at least not positively.  Just the required info needed.  For example, "I am sorry you feel that way... ."  (We don't ever validate their claims but we can address how they feel.  In addition, it gives a paper trail where we are not just super polite, we also demonstrate to the professionals that we are solid problem solvers.)

[livednlearned]

My ex entered my closure email/letter to him as evidence in court.

He also forwarded copies to my son, parents, boss, coworkers, and friends.

[DivDad]

You don't have to explain WHY.  Any response back only spawns more emails and more merry-go-round discussions that usually doesn't bode well for a non-BPD.  No doubt you have been there before.

Now that you have taken the plunge... .try and keep all communication focused on the children.  Use email and text messages as much as you can.  My court appointed parent coordinator (who was versed in BPD behavior) required that all email or text communication have only one subject matter.  Nothing ever got resolved when there were multiple issues in one email.  That way, you can TRY and keep responses (or lack of) focused on one issue. Over time, it works.

[PeteWitsend]

thank you all for the thoughtful responses.

agree that any response would most likely be bad, and will hold off sending anything for the forseeable future, though I really don't know what could change enough to convince me to send it.