How to cope with an in-law with BPD when everyone else shuts their eyes.

[RinvaR]

Hello. I am new to this website.
I have a sister in-law that I choose to relate to as a person with BPD. This has, after a decade of trying to help her with raising her children and then given up on this, beome the only way for me to no longer becoming completely emotionally drained when dealing with her paranoia and rage-tantrums. My problem is, how do I respond to the others members of my in-lawfamily when they talk about their reoccuring concernes for her well-being and her children? I have reached a point where I become physically ill when they talk about it with each other, and sometimes I just leave the room. Them not seeing the pattern of her behavior - but treating every situation as a one time situation, trying to analyze every teenagetantrum of this grown woman who is also a mother. I can`t take it anymore. I need to find a way of dealing with the fact that they probably never will change their familydynamics in this situation. (I contacted public services because of the oldest child, but she denies that she is the one who needs help, and not the child, who`s behavior I think is caused by stress and exhaustion. The interference from public service only helped a little bit and the case is now closed.)
Should I just continue to quietly leave the room or should I ask that we not discuss this topic when I am around? I am not in the belief of me being able to change a familydynamic, it is not realistic.
After putting my foot down and not tolerating my sister in-laws behavior anylonger, I feel very lonely in my in-law family as they simply don`t know how to deal with it in any other way than how they always have; biting their teeth together and putting out with her screaming and yelling. Everyone feels sorry for her, as do I - but she needs professional help. My sister inlaw no longer wants anything to do with me, and shamefully I feel a big relief because of this, but I miss having regular contact with her child so much. There is not an issue for me to be in the same room as her on familygatherings, my dilemma is how do I cope with the unhealthy dynamic/pattern related to her behavior in the rest of my in-lawfamily? It is not possible for me to fake it and pretend everything is ok, not anymore.

[Harri]

Hello, it is good to have you though I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. 

You are not alone in dealing with an in-law with BPD and also navigating a relationship with the rest of the family.  It can be very tricky and as you said it is not possible for you to change the family dynamics. 

My problem is, how do I respond to the others members of my in-lawfamily when they talk about their reoccuring concernes for her well-being and her children?

I think if you are getting to the point of frustration and feeling ill that they best thing for you and them is to excuse yourself and not participate.  They are caught up in their family dynamic.  I don't think you can ask them not to talk about her when you are around but you can certainly remove yourself from the conversation.  You won't be able to make them see anything they are not ready to see, certainly not when you are so negatively affected by this yourself.

What you can do is begin to change the way you interact with your SIIL and the rest of the family by detaching with love and implementing boundaries and using the communication tools we offer here.  Take a look over on the right side of the page and you will see a section under the heading of Lessons.  Click on that and it will bring you to many articles describing the disorder and it's associated behaviors, self-care for you and managing your relationships.

Take a look around, read, ask questions, etc.  The good news is that things can get better for you.

[Turkish]

No one should have to put up with screaming and yelling.  That sounds horrid!

I agree with you that you aren't going to change their family dynamic.  You said that they are concerned with her behaviors though.  How are they handling it?

[Learning2Thrive]

Hello and welcome RinvaR,

... .Should I just continue to quietly leave the room or should I ask that we not discuss this topic when I am around? I am not in the belief of me being able to change a familydynamic, it is not realistic.

Yes, it’s true than the only person you can control or change is yourself and how you respond.

There is not an issue for me to be in the same room as her on familygatherings, my dilemma is how do I cope with the unhealthy dynamic/pattern related to her behavior in the rest of my in-law family? It is not possible for me to fake it and pretend everything is ok, not anymore.

 Harri has made some wonderful suggestions.
Have you taken a look at any of the tools yet? I particularly like this one on ending conflict. While it’s written from the viewpoint of a romantic relationship, it’s easily adaptable to use in almost any conflict situation (family member to difficult work relationship). I hope you’ll take a look. Tell me if you think you might be able to use it. Here’s the link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome RinvaR, 

My in-laws had a place that we would go to in the summer (many years ago), and when my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came up with their family, oh my! They would come up and share the place with us only during holiday weekends, thankfully, but my whole family would find an excuse to be out of the house because the dynamics would nearly drive us crazy. Like your experience, we knew there was no way to change them, so we kept ourselves safe and avoided contact as much as possible. Even to this day when I hear about the continuing drama (it has gotten even worse in the next generation), I cannot stand to hear it. My heart grieves for the kids, yet it would not be healthy at all for me to step into the situations and try to help. For me it would only end up being enablement and my self care would suffer and be gone. 

Are you comfortable with leaving the room?

Wools

[isilme]

They shut their eyes to it, partly because to them it's just the way it is.

Every family has a dynamic they feel is "normal."  Most people never realize just because granny talks bad about her daughter and always has doesn't mean it's okay.  These dynamics form over decades, generations, and often people never even think to challenge them. 

They don't like how your SIL acts because it causes them drama and stress, but likely, they might get a mild buzz off of talking about her, not to help her, but for simple gossip's sake.  Helping her for real means hard decisions - do we intervene?  Do we offer to keep the kids a while?  Do we let her know to her face what we think?  Do we need to call CPS?  Do we ask her to leave, not visit, etc.?

I have a friend who grew up in a household where family drama is very prevalent.  NPD mom, getting cosmetic surgery to look "younger" than her daughters, to compete with them, even almost hitting on their spouses, demanding high priced gifts, etc.  They also have a high level of inter-gossiping, like, "Mom's a POS, did you see how she behaved at our sister's bridal shower, trying to steal gifts, dressed like a hooker?"  Not to actually stop Mom.  Not to tell her she is being inappropriate and will not be invited to things anymore.  Everyone stops just shy of actually telling the Mom much at all.  My friend tries, but she does it out of rage and anger, not out of the need to set boundaries, she reacts to her anger, not a desire to make the problem better.  They dance around it, It's a source of drama like watching a reality show, they think it's normal, and borderline (ha) entertaining, and also, as long as there is a scapegoat for the gossip, everyone else has the scrutiny off of them. 

Keeping your SIL in the limelight as the "crazy" one makes everyone else feel safer.

When I am with H's family, and things get weird, I "remember" there are dishes to wash, dinner needs to be prepared, or there is something in the car or upstairs.  I find this easier than any pointed statements - it's their house, I'm not there to control their behavior, I can only control mine, so I will leave the room. 

[beachbubbles]

In my experience, going no contact with them was the only thing that saved my sanity.  Not doing anything is a choice they're making.  The dysfunction I had to watch was ridiculous and totally fixable with a bit of work.  But they preferred sitting around talking about all the things they COULD NOT do, and never about what they could do.  I find that agonizingly immature and avoidant.

Interestingly, when I removed myself, the various triangles they had got shaky.  As an in law, I was a target - how dare I interfere, how arrogant - meanwhile I truly loved them, and the solutions seemed so obvious.  They thrive on the drama, so the thought of not having drama is scary because then they'd have to face themselves.  Mil and my h have a strained relationship because I stepped out of her life.  All they talked about before was how I put him in the middle, that was their bond.  Now, with no villain to complain about, they have nothing to discuss, and it's awkward and cold.  (it was a covert incest upbringing for him w her).

My sil has a chronic health issue, and as the pitied one in the family (my h is the golden child), she refuses to get other opinions, or read up on diet, she has options.  I honestly don't know what she'd do if she woke up tomorrow disease free because she wears the "Im so sick" nmantle for attention.  Huge public announcements, social media, tattoos, conference calls to update the whole staff so she can get all the pity attention, but no real proactive action.  So everyone sits back and pities her.  With me out, the dynamic has become very clear to my h and how unhealthy it all is. 

I'm really sorry for all this, it's a struggle.  I wish I had known about all this before I got married 30 years ago.

[RinvaR]

Thank You for all the replies and sharing Your stories, that helps a lot!
I am struggling a little bit with the layout of the messageboard so I will just write the nicknames to answer questions:

Wools; Yes, I am comfortable leaving the room, as long as my child is not present. What I worry about, is future situations, when/if the familymembers start talking about this, when there is a "new" situation with my SIL and I don`t want my daughter being unvoluntary involved when she grows older. Right now she is too young to understand.

Turkish: They handle it by helping her, when she looses it. And walk on eggshells. She is a single-mother, so they babysit a lot. When times are really bad they suggest seeking help, but my SIL believs that everyone else but her needs to go to therapy. I dread for future situations. Thankfully I/we now live far away and not in the same city as before. But, we now live where they all grew up, so she and her children will probably visit every once in awhile as my MIL is close. But I will not accept her staying in our house. Thankfully I think everyone understands that, even her. My SIL has been here once after we moved, and did not come in to our house once during her stay, only her oldest child that we have been very close to for many many years. The situation is so sad, but I have to keep my distance from SIL to cope and I was relieved she didn`t drop by.

L2T: Yes, I will be looking some more on the tools. I am very happy to have come across this website.