Hello, love my GF but it's getting difficult.

[ambermj]

Hi,

I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months now. I love her dearly and have always assumed alcohol abuse was our relationships greatest challenge but after hearing about and learning about BPD I am starting to think the alcohol is a symptom.

We are both in our 40's and recently divorced. I was married 26 years and she was married twice. First relationship 13 years and the recent one 3. She's had many relationships and claims they never last because the person she's dating gets tired of her. We both have adult children living on their own. She has a history of childhood abuse and was a difficult child/teen always getting into trouble. Her drinking caused her to loose her drivers license 10+ years ago and she now takes public transportation and rides from me an one other friend. Her drinking has improved since I started seeing her but she occasionally over drinks. Drug use in her past but not now.

I am gone 20 days at a time for work and home with her for 10 (we live together). She has trouble dealing with my long absences and I encourage her to find something she enjoys and get out and make friends. I am learning that this isn't an easy thing for her to do. She doesn't have much contact with family other than her 25yo daughter. I can really only think of one person other than myself and her daughter that she considers a friend and he has a history of abuse as a child and drinking problems as well. He's a nice guy and has helped her out when she's needed it without expecting sex or anything in return. He's an odd guy but really loves her and looks out for her. I don't know him well enough to say but suspect maybe he's BPD?

Here are some things I notice:
*Says she wants to hurt or shoot herself
*says she's needy and needs someone (me) there, can't stand being alone
*can quickly get angry or emotional
*lack of friends and regular social interactions that most people have. She likes to go to a bar and chat with someone next to her at the bar but doesn't want to form friendships with them
*admits she engages in self destructive behavior: drinking at work to see if she can get way with it, breaking rules, petty theft
*incresingly it feels like she is trying to push me away. Saying I deserve someone better, saying I don't love her and I don't know what love is
*she has an intese fear of change and stress isn't delt with normally. It's over the top stessful for her when it shouldn't be.
*She can go from fearing she's going to lose me to telling me I should leave.

There's probably more I'm missing but when she's happy and we are enjoying our lives together we get along very well. She can be so very sweet and kind to me and makes me feel very loved. When she's haveing an episode and I try to reassure her or comfort her she says I just don't understand and discussions can turn into arguments she can go from angry to sad quickly and the dialog just seems to go in a never ending circle. Then when she's feeling bad she just says she gets really emotional sometimes.

I'm close to my family and it's important to me to spend time with family but she has no interest in going, claims they all hate her. She still goes but is super sensitive about what people say and it feels like she's just looking for people to dislike her. Maybe it's a fear that makes her super sensitive so she looks for cues to feed off of that aren't based in reality. She thinks people are talking bad about her when they aren't. Takes statements out of context. Once in the car with my daughter I could tell she was super angry about something. I asked her what was wrong and when away from my daughter she was complaing about the song my daughter chose to play in the car. It was a song with the lyrics or title of "stupid bitch" and she claimed it was directed towards her. I didn't notice the lyrics of the song at all, I was driving but I asked her why she thought it was directed at her and she just said, "oh, I know. It was definately directed at me!". That didn't make any sense to me and I feel like her getting to know my family is going to be a huge challenge.

Like I said at the beginning. I thought it was the alcohol but now I think she just uses it to cope with her pain. That's why I'm here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chitchat]

When did you hear about BPD?

[ambermj]

I've heard the term before but didn't know what it meant. I heard it used a few days ago and this time they were talking about it more and some of it described my GF's behavior. I looked it up and did some reading and found this site.

[Chitchat]

I think you need some special advice on how to proceed, your knowledge of BPD being so recent. It sounds pretty much like BPD. I'd only caution you not to try to 'help' her by telling her about BPD yet, stay calm yourself, and keep thinking of her as a person, not the disorder. Be ready for her to pull away and don't panic. The suicide and self - harm ideation needs to be taken seriously, whatever the diagnosis. Maybe focus on that if she wants to talk.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear ambermj-
I’m very sorry about the pain and confusion you’re going through.  I’m short on time right now, but will post more later.

I did notice where you posted on another thread about bringing your GF to this site.  I advise AGAINST doing that.  This site is for “nons”, people like us who are in relationships with pwBPD, and is a safe place for us to fully express our feelings and obtain support.  If you bring your GF here, you will no longer be able to do that; and what she reads here could deeply hurt her, and that is not your intent.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ambermj]

Dear ambermj-
I’m very sorry about the pain and confusion you’re going through.  I’m short on time right now, but will post more later.

I did notice where you posted on another thread about bringing your GF to this site.  I advise AGAINST doing that.  This site is for “nons”, people like us who are in relationships with pwBPD, and is a safe place for us to fully express our feelings and obtain support.  If you bring your GF here, you will no longer be able to do that; and what she reads here could deeply hurt her, and that is not your intent.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thank you, I thought the site also had a side for pwBPD when you sign up? I will definitely hold off on anything until I'm more familiar with BPD.