My BPD had trouble with my rigid boundaries

[Euler2718]

BPD always wanted to talk longer on the phone, visit more, etc. Wanted to get inside me more.

I mentioned (briefly) to my mother that I had a breakup and now my dad has: suggested a beach vacation, suggested they both come to visit for a few days, suggested we talk twice a week instead of once, called, texted, emailed, and tried to get me to come there for Thanksgiving. Al. In 2 or 3 days. I just wanna be alone so I can recover. I hate being bullied. He's pretty aggressive. So I'm learning that I hate people pushing repeatedly and without sensitivity on my boundaries. No means no.

I don't know what this has to do with BPD but it's all related--BPD had trouble with my rigid boundaries; maybe they're rigid from this FOO dynamic. After all, when I was under his roof I couldn't have held him off like I can now. Let's hope he takes a hint I'm vulnerable to dysregulation right now and irritated.

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[Euler2718]

Geez well okay let us know when it might be convenient then okay Dad

I just got this text-- guilt trip?

What probably bugs me the most is that it's really all about HIM and what type of relationship HE wants. I'm just an object of sorts, is how I feel when I declare a boundary and I get this nonsense.

[Harri]

Hi again.  Has your father always been like this?  As in even when you were growing up?  Sort of pushing at your boundary, not taking your no for no, saying what seems to me, invalidating things when he can't get you to do what he requests?  Or am I reading too much into this?

[Euler2718]

Yah, he did pushy things when I was a kid, I couldn't say no, he just bullied me into things sometimes. Once he made me sleep next to him (not sexually) cause of his remorse(I guess) for spanking me with a belt earlier that night (I embarrassed him). My mother is not pushy, she knows pushing me is counter productive.

[Euler2718]

BPD wanted me to be ok with sex when she initiated it and I always wanted to be the initiator, which seemed one sided to her. If I get another chance I'll maybe try to relax my boundaries for her. I think I could do it if I agreed that we were gonna do that ahead of time. I was noticing how my FOO may have given me a need for rigid boundaries, though. But everyone's different. Some people are violated when young and end up with No boundaries. Where's Carl jung when you need him?

P.s. I like the Victor frankl quite.

[Panda39]

Hi Euler2718,

I don't think there is anything wrong with your boundaries.  Boundaries are tied to our values and what we need.  Folks with BPD/BPD Traits and even some non-BPD people can have difficulty with emotional control and can often push or even run over someone else's boundaries to get their own needs met.

Boundary busting can often start with FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  Did you see this with your BPDex?  Do you sometimes see this with your dad too?  More on FOG below... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

It doesn't sound to me that your boundaries are rigid, it sounds to me like you are maintaining/enforcing your boundaries and others don't like it.  You enforce your boundaries when others are making too many demands on you emotionally like your dad or sexually like your BPDex and that to me is completely appropriate.

I love the quote below, because that is what boundaries (and maintaing boundaries) are all about.



Euler, you keep doing what is right for you 

Panda39

[desperate.wife]

BPD wanted me to be ok with sex when she initiated it and I always wanted to be the initiator, which seemed one sided to her. If I get another chance, I'll maybe try to relax my boundaries for her.

BPD or not BPD, women should never be ok with only man initiating sex. It is intimacy between TWO people. Both should be equal and comfortable around each other. If you are not ok with it, it is fine. You might meet someone that will be ok with that. Just don't be surprised that many will refuse it.

Is it a boundary or something else? Why is it that just you can initiate sex?

Speaking about your parents. Don't you think they really care about you, but it is the only way they know how to show it?

[Euler2718]

I know, it seemed unfair, I just got a bad feeling sometimes, I should have tried ti work through it. I just have a hard time when I can't control my body.

As for my parents, I don't know maybe they care about me like an object. It's hard to explain. Mostly I just want to be alone right now.

[desperate.wife]

I understand, nobody likes to lose control of his or her own body. Why do you think you can't control your body when she initiates sex? Is it just about your body or hers too that you need to be in control? What is that bad feeling you get? What about other situations? You like to be in control too?

I understand the need to be alone; we can be so tired from all the emotions that any attention can be too much. Especially attention from our parents. Why do you feel like an object to your parents? Would it be better if they kept asking how you were feeling? Maybe they are just trying to make you think about something else? Or just to show that you are not alone. Not all people know how to show emotions, doesn't mean they don't care. We have to learn to see good things in people and accept their weakness. We have to accept them. Parents aren't going to change. But we can.

I hope your T will help you figure it all out.

[Harri]

I don't know what this has to do with BPD but it's all related--BPD had trouble with my rigid boundaries; maybe they're rigid from this FOO dynamic. After all, when I was under his roof I couldn't have held him off like I can now. Let's hope he takes a hint I'm vulnerable to dysregulation right now and irritated.

Well, the boundary around saying no to your family seems reasonable to me.  If them being pushy is something that has gone on all or most of your life, I can see where there would be a lot of feelings attached to that.  There is a chronic lack of respect and lack of being heard that is probably a part of it.  I agree; no means no. 

This sensitivity around boundary violations, is I think common and will carry over into other situations a lot.  You can find balance.  With your girlfriend, it may be that it was important to her to be able to initiate sex.  Thats okay too but if you are not comfortable about it there will be tension.

Have you ever talked about boundaries and the way your dad seems controlling and possibly invalidating with a therapist before?  I am asking because I know what helped me.  We also talk a lot about this stuff over on the Parent, Sibling and In-Law board here as well.  You might want to read over there.