*Warning: long 1st time post*
I found this community through the book "Walking on Eggshells" which was recommended to me by a Therapist I have worked with in the past. She was the first person to suggest to me that my mother may have BPD. Reading about the symptoms of this disorder was like reading a detailed description about my mother. I have a brother who is also affected by our mother and when I shared my therapists thoughts he was floored how well the description matched what we have been dealing with all our lives. We are both on the same page in regards to my mother and are a great support for one another.
Before I get into my current dilemma, I will give you a little bit of a background. My mother comes from a family of eleven children, with her being the middle child. She does not talk fondly of her early years and describes being neglected, abused and ostracized from a young age. She has been estranged from four of her siblings for well over 15 years now and has recently become estranged from another two years ago. So she does not speak to half of her siblings. We are originally from Ireland and it has been easy for this to happen. However, her most recently estranged sibling relocated to our province in Canada four years ago and this estrangement was caused by an out of the blue outburst directed towards his wife. Long story short she has a long history of strained relationships and does not have any close friends.
Now to my relationship with my mother. When it's good, its awesome! She is a great friend, grandmother and is can be very loving and helpful. Her outbursts tend to occur about once every year to year and a half. When they happen the effects ccan last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Granted, they would happen more often if I wasn't very careful not to rock the boat (hence the book, "Walking on Eggshells". I go from being the most loving, caring, considerate daughter to being a disrespectful child who doesn't care about her or her feelings.
Over the past 5-10 years some of her outbursts have been caused by the following:
- I declined an invitation to go to Las Vegas for my Father's birthday because I would have been six months pregnant (My father completely understood and supported my decision to decline).
- A disagreement over the rules of a card game resulted in screaming and shouting when I looked on the internet to see if we could find a answer to disagreement.
- She did not want me to invite a friend of my husband to my wedding who she didn't like.
- My brother (when he was getting married) choosing times for ceremony and cocktails that she did not agree with
- My Aunt asking if there was anything that her vegetarian daughter could safely eat at a family dinner she was hosting
The above outburst have been severe, involving yelling, screaming, breaking things, slapping herself in the face and threats of self harm. It then morphs into something that has nothing to do with the initial incident at all. Usually, involves her saying how miserable she is in her relationship with my dad, statements about low self worth "I guess I'm just stupid". Talk about how she is so depressed, sad and lonely and nobody cares (I have recognized this and have begged her to seek treatment but she refuses). Resentment against my father and sibling that my brother and I obtained four year degrees while she was "forced" to stay home and raise us and has no career now because of it. Jealousy that I do not have this type of tumultuous relationship with my father. She will often say things like "call your precious father, he cares more about you then he does about me anyway". Lastly, resentment against my father when he does not support her in her outbursts against myself of my brother.
This brings me to my current situation and newest outburst. Things have been going quite well over the past year and a half (in part to me being very careful not to upset her). I even invited her and my father on vacation with my husband and two children this summer! It all went well with no incidents. Fast forward to Canadian Thanksgiving a few weeks ago. We had a lovely supper and even spent the night at her home with my family and my brother and brother in law. The next night my husband, brother, brother in law and my self receive a text that says "which of you was the idiot that threw the gravy down the sink?". My BIL thought she was joking... .he's new to this... . and replied with a laugh emoji. That went over like a ton of bricks. Initially I thought that when we were all cleaning up someone had through the greasy gravy down the sink and now they were having plumbing problems (they have had frequent trouble with this). It seemed to be the only way to explain the anger. I tried phoning her to find out what was happening. No answer. I try a few more times, no answer. I text asking if there is something wrong as I cant get a hold of her and she states "I don't want to talk to any of you I am ___ing pissed off". I phone my Dad to ask what is happening and all I hear is screaming in the background. My Dad explains that everything was fine, normal evening and she went ballistic over not having any left over gravy to go with her left over turkey. She became enraged that I called my dad to find out what was happening, started screaming and shouting at the front of the house (my parents neighbors all bore witness to this) and then took off and didn't come back until the next day. I became very emotionally upset, she was going to do this over leftovers? It was unfathomable. It was more self pity in a way... like why do I get stuck with a mother like this? Its not fair! She is now enraged that my father did not "back her up" and this is a large focus of her rage now, "my husband does not support me and chooses my kids over me".
My brother and I made it very clear that her actions and calling her children and spouses idiots was not acceptable and that she owes us an apology. She made an attempt at a very passive aggressive non apology " I guess I owe you and apology for calling you idiots, it was just a figure of speech. I'm sure you have all used that word before". Basically refusing to truly acknowledge that what she did was way out of line. When my brother and I pointed out that she was not really taking responsibility for her actions. She said she was "done with us" and deleted us off of all social media. When we asked her why she was going to such extremes and pointed out that friends and family would notice this, she then deleted all of her accounts. She said that we threw her apology her in face and that she didn't want anything to do with us. She was set to babysit my children the following Sunday and I hear nothing from her all week. Like a responsible adult I made arrangements to have a sitter come on Sunday. She texts me the night before "what time are you bringing the kids over?". I made it clear that her actions did not lead me to believe that she would be babysitting for me that weekend. She decided that I was now withholding her grandchildren from her. I explained that all I wanted was to sit down and talk about this like adults and move on. To which she replied that will never happen. I stated that once we can talk about our differences and move on then I will feel comfortable bringing my children over to her house. She made it clear that it will never happen and that she wants nothing to do with me at all and only wants a relationship with my children. The more I pushed for her to solve things with me the more she accused me of using my children to force her to behave in a certain way. I gave in. I allowed her to babysit the kids, even had her over for supper. Where she continued to have passive aggressive interactions with me that were upsetting. Then on Halloween, last night she comes in and refuses to look at me as I greet them at the door and she walks right past me without saying anything. I ask her "what is wrong?". She says "I'm just acting the way I feel". This was very upsetting to me. I wanted to solve things, she refused, I allow her in my house to see my children and she treats me this way? I found it unacceptable. I told her this needs to stop, we need to talk. To which she proceeded to blow up in front of my children and ended up leaving (leaving them crying, wondering why she left before trick or treating without saying goodbye). Eventually, my Dad got her to come back under the condition that we do not talk to her about anything. I realize I made a huge mistake engaging her in front of my children and I have definitely learned a hard lesson.
So my question is how do I go about setting healthy boundaries for myself in this situation, without hurting my children who do adore her and my dad. Like I noted before, when its good it is great. However, I am so tired of the cycle and need to protect myself from the fallout that happens every time and affects me in all areas of my life.
