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Author Topic: Finally Coming Out of the FOG Together  (Read 339 times)
sewconfused

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 19


« on: October 16, 2018, 02:57:01 PM »

It's been awhile since I was last here. (For backstory you can look at my previous post under MOTHER IN LAW WITH BPD) I wanted to start a new thread in order to give an update but also to emphasize the critical things that we have found helpful to coming out of the FOG.

My surgery went well. The stressful extended family situation definitely added undue stress, but the circumstances of the surgery gave my husband a real sense of perspective and brought us closer together. Sometimes God works in mysterious ways. As if dealing with the undBPD MIL wasn't enough, my husband's unBPD EX reared her ugly head as well. For once this time we were both on the same page and just did not engage at all.

Our son's unfortunate exposure to witnessing his grandmother's melt down weeks ago has actually turned out to be a good thing. While he's a bit more guarded in his conversations with us due to her negative talk about us, he has opened up to his girlfriend and her mom (girlfriend's mom is a good friend of mine) so she keeps us abreast of what he mentions. She was appalled to hear some of the things my MIL has said to him and how she is attempting to manipulate him and impede the flow of love between him and his dad as well as myself. Thankfully my friend has called the behavior out for what it is, WRONG, and encouraged him to not subject himself to it. Confirmed what we have told him, which is it's inappropriate for his grandmother to be discussing any of this with him. Slowly his relationship with us has returned back to normal.

Although we did not tell my MIL specifically when I was having surgery, she found out and text my husband wishing me well. My husband was not impressed and saw through her disingenuous expression of good will saying if she really meant it she would send this message to you (me). My husband is continuing to not engage with his mother at this point. Several issues have come up, purely business related, that have required text communication, but other than that there is no contact. His siblings too have cut off communication with all of us and even my husband's nephew has quite communicating with my daughters.

Our son was pretty agitated right before my surgery because he said his grandmother was telling him I had used her credit card nefariously and she felt like we had used her "financially" and that she was thinking about suing us. Can you believe that? I told my husband it should not surprise either one of us that all the "kind" and "generous" things she had done over the years would now be thrown back in his face now that he wasn't living his life at her direction, but telling our son she is thinking of suing us? Really? We assured our son that I had never used her credit card for anything she had not requested and then we made arrangements at our bank (where she also banks) for an automatic deposit to begin going into her account each month to repay any generosity she has extended that she now regrets or believes we owe her for. When we had to communicate by text regarding the other transaction related matter, we let her know we had made this arrangement (following the JADE principle) WITHOUT any explanation as to why or telling her that our son had told us about what she had said to him. We just stated what we had done and let her know she could apply the monthly amount as she sees fit to any debt she believes we owe.

My husband is in a much better place now. Although it has been hard for me to sit back and just let this be for the most part, not defending myself etc., what has happened is that his mother's own actions have confirmed themselves the clear existence of the BPD traits. He can no longer deny there is something seriously wrong. When it became so undeniably clear that she was intentionally working to impede the flow of love between him and his son, he was no longer able to deny the lengths to which she will go to getting her way. He's saddened by it but I think he has a realistic view of what to expect and how to protect himself and our family for the existential threat she and her destructive behavior poses to the happiness and wellbeing of our family. He's sad that his siblings have "sided" so to speak with her and are willing to believe her lies and spin, but he says they should recognize they should not be involved and if they really wanted to flesh out the truth, they would. So essentially they are making a choice because it suits them and benefits them to stay in her good graces. Which is absolutely true. All of his siblings had some level of jealously regarding how much she did and gave to our two sons and now she is lavishing the others with her "generosity".

For example, last year she complained to me incessantly about her oldest son going on a trip to Europe with her and how she would end of paying for it. Then she said she would never take another trip again with him. However, she made a point of inviting him and his wife last minute on a trip I helped her plan to New England to see the fall leaves and then made a point of sending my husband pictures by text while they were gone and I was recuperating from surgery. My husband and I just shook our heads knowing all too well how she operates and revels in how she can glorify one and slight another and then carry on about what they must be thinking and feeling.

After spending the past six years in this very pattern with her as it related to always wanting to one-up my husband's ex-wife, we both know all too well how this goes. You could probably flip a coin on which is worse, knowing that's what's she's doing or suspecting that's what's doing. We decided it really doesn't matter because at the end of the day we feel so much better. We have much less stress in our daily life. We aren't being tugged at or told to drop everything because she has a need right now. I could go on and on, but you get my drift. We feel happier, healthier and more in balance with reality. Making decisions because you know it's the right thing to do, not out of fear or manipulation.

How long with this peace and tranquility last? Who knows? My husband says he's spending time thinking about what he needs and wants to say to him mother IN WRITING in order to progress to the next step that he sees, which is a surface relationship with definitive boundaries. He has discussed some of what he is pondering and feels like he needs to address and some of it pre-dates me, so I know he's really giving it thought. I encouraged him to put his thoughts in the NOTES of his phone so when he's ready he can pull them all together to help him communicate with clarity. In the mean time I'm giving him his space and being a positive encouragement to him to address all of this when he's ready.  He no longer tenses us when we talk about BPD or when I refer to the information I've gained from reading and research on the subject. Which is good. Even though he hasn't read the books himself at least he's open to receiving the information.

One of his greatest fears about accepting his mom struggles with BPD is the reality that there are others in his family with mental health issues and his fear that he too may have something wrong with him. We've talked about "family of origin" and how just his awareness of this as a possibility is a sign that he does not suffer from BPD himself. He's an amazingly loving, giving, forgiving and gracious adult despite his family of origin and all its dysfunction. As we have opened up with our closest friends regarding these circumstances this has been reiterated by friend after friend who has known him longer than I have. The most encouraging thing to me is watching him grow in self-confidence and trusting his ability to make decisions... .good decisions. Watching him see clearly that he and I can break this unhealthy cycle and pave the way to a healthier, happier future for ourselves and our family... .One step at a time.

Thank you for being here, for the resources and the forum to say what sometimes can't be said anywhere else or even out loud for the time being.

Sew "NOT" Confused

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Harri
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2018, 06:50:21 PM »

Hi gain!  I am so glad the surgery went well.  I have been wondering how you were doing but did not want to press.  How are you feeling now?  About your son, that is really good news that he is coming around and has support from his GF and her mother in addition to you and his dad.  It is a bit easier to say things more directly when it is not a relative saying them but it is really great that she is backing you up and keeping you informed.

It is unfortunate about the rest of the family members cutting you both off.  That is often a hard thing to deal with.  When I left my mothers house, I was split black and my brother and father got cold, but stayed in contact and reported back and tried to pressure me.  I dealt with it by enforcing boundaries, speaking up and saying no and, perhaps most importantly for me emotionally, was reminding myself that not too long before I would have done the very same thing when I was still in the FOG.  It was still hard though when they are caught up in the game and play into themselves.

Excerpt
My husband is in a much better place now. Although it has been hard for me to sit back and just let this be for the most part, not defending myself etc., what has happened is that his mother's own actions have confirmed themselves the clear existence of the BPD traits.
Good.  They will generally show themselves and others will see it more quickly if we just keep out of it while enforcing our own boundaries.  Good job!

Something to think about:  generally we recommend writing letters but not sending them especially if there is an expectation of being heard.  That is probably not going to happen and expecting that can sometimes cause more injury.  I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer here though.  I firmly believe in doing what is best for you so if saying something or writing it will be good for you and empowering, then I say go for it. 

Excerpt
The most encouraging thing to me is watching him grow in self-confidence and trusting his ability to make decisions... .good decisions. Watching him see clearly that he and I can break this unhealthy cycle and pave the way to a healthier, happier future for ourselves and our family... .One step at a time.
This gives me all sorts of happiness for the two of you.  Keep working it.

Thanks so much for the update.  I hope you continue to keep us in the picture as you learn more and more.  It is very encouraging too for others to read about your success.  thank you.
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Star0009
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 106


« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2018, 07:10:47 PM »

Hey
I'm glad your surgery went well! Its so great you guys are on a good track. Once I learned my Mom had BPD and found these boards 10 years ago it moved mountains for me to put all the chaos of her behavior and our conversations/arguments into categories with boundaries. So happy for you guys!
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