Mother wont accept shes sick

[cooxoxo]

Hello,
I really don't know where to begin but that my mom is driving me crazy. I am 23, we are first generation immigrants from Central America. Still living at home. I have always been the "perfect daughter" because I did everything she said. I never talked back. I never opposed her. I did EVERYTHING she said just to keep her happy and if I went against her orders I was made to feel that I was a disappointment.

8 months ago I started dating someone. He is the love of my life, we had tried dating before but she forced me to stop talking to him because according to her he just wanted to use me. But years later we got together and our relationship is amazing and we want to get married soon. She loved him before, but overnight she started hating him because according to her "he is taking me away from her and she will be alone now". My little brother is also going away to college 5 hours away.

Her arguments with me regarding my boyfriend turned violent, I came home late one night and she hit me. I ended up with a black eye and bruises. She said she was going to kill herself if I didn't break up with him. So I did. But then days later I got back together with him. Months later she found out we had been dating behind her back and she hit me again. broke things in my room, esp gifts from him. She tried to tell me she would kill herself if I didn't break up with him. So I asked him for some time apart bc my mental health is deteriorating. I left home for a few days and she was acting like it was the end of the world and I felt guilty so i came back home. I started seeing a therapist, my father forced my mom to seek a counselor but she wont accept that she is sick. From everything I have told my therapist she believes she has BPD. and all the signs are there. I kept dating my bf behind her back and we were taking steps to independence myself from my parents so we can get married and move in together (I am very strong in my faith and even if I don't get married through the Catholic church, I still wanna be married before moving in with him - everyone tells me to just move in with him already, but this is why I haven't done so yet)

Last week I got a call at work from her crying, talking about how she was just depressed and that her children are gone. I was confused. She then asked if I was pregnant. I went home later that day and questioned her about it. She went off on me. She had gone through my room looking for things to use against me and found my journal. I had written That my bf and I wanted to start a family. This was just any journal, it was a journal I had been writing to give to him on our wedding day. She took pictures of those pages. Obviously found out we had been dating behind her back. She then told me she was givingup, that I could do what I wanted with my life. That she wont get in between us anymore. I was praising Hallelujiah!

SUnday came andI told her I was going to a party with my bf for his gma. She went off on me. Didnt talk to me for three days. Wouldnt stop crying. Later she found out I had gotten a cellphone plan with him and I had been hiding that phone from her. It got worse So i left home for a few days again. But I feel guilty each time I leave and come back. And I dont know how to take that final step where I cut ties with her. I feel im not strong enough. My bf is getting tired of seeing her hurt me emotionally. I am so sorry this is so long but idk where else to go because no one understands me. She victimizes herself and tells everyone about our problem at hand. I am going to start packing my stuff for good. but I dont wanna feel guilt about leaving her behind.

please help,

K

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!  We understand and many of us have faced similar challenges. 

First, I want to make sure you are safe and at least have a safety plan should your mother become violent again.  Here is a link that I hope you read through:  Safety First: The first part focuses on suicide but at page 6 it talks about abusive relationships.  It does refer to more romantic relationships but you can easily change the wording in your mind to apply to your mother. 

Lesson One is also good to look at.  There are several articles that you might find helpful.

Your mom very clearly stated she has a fear of abandonment which is probably triggering most if not all of these behaviors right now.  The thing is, it is not your job to be her companion, to give up your life or your love for her, or to take care of her.  I understand the guilt you feel but do you think it is a result of a lifetime of being used by her for her to feel safe?  A lot of us here have dealt with that or are in the process of doing so.

I am very glad that you removed yourself from the home when she became violent.  That is not easy to do and takes a lot of courage and strength.  I am also very glad that you are in therapy.  The more support you have the better it is.  Where do you go when you leave?  Is it some place you can perhaps move to while you wait to get married?

Hope to hear more from you.

[Notwendy]

First, I want to assure you that I don't agree with your mother. At 23 you can date who you want.

I do want to help you see her side of things. In general, parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves, not as individuals. When you assert yourself as a separate person- with ideas and wishes of your own - that feels wrong to your mother. Also pwBPD tend to project their feelings on to others. If they feel bad, they don't see it as coming from them, but coming from someone else.

The "empty nest" isn't easy for moms. Emotionally stable moms understand that- this is the way it is supposed to be. Our kids will grow up to be self sufficient adults with minds of their owns. They will leave home, possibly fall in love and start a family with someone. As a mom, I know I will miss my kids when they do this- and yet, also be happy for them because this is how it is supposed to be. For your mom, she may mainly feel the sadness- and her perspective is that it is coming from you. The solution for her isn't to learn to accept this new stage in life ,it is for you to stop her bad feelings by breaking up with him.

As a parent, I know I have wishes for the qualities of the person my children may fall in love with. I hope they are kind and caring people. I also know that I have absolutely no control of their choice of who to love. This is a boundary. PwBPD don't have good boundaries. Your mother isn't respecting your privacy boundaries either ( mine doesn't-she goes through all my things too ).

Your mother may not accept that she has a problem. Denial is part of the condition as well, as she sees her issues as being due to other people, not her.  Your challenge is not to change her, not to try to get her to see things your way. She can't. At 23 you have a right to choose who you love and to move out on your own if you wish. She has no say in this. However, if you choose to have a relationship with her, you will need to manage both honoring your boundaries and dealing with her reaction.

It is imperative that you keep yourself safe. If this means not seeing her, even calling the police, then do it. Physical assault is a crime.

She may not speak to you or cut contact with you if you marry this man. That is her choice. Not marrying him to keep her happy would only hurt you if this is what you want, and it won't really help your mother.

You will likely feel guilty at leaving her. That is OK. Some of these decisions don't feel good. They aren't easy. We have to weigh what is best for us. We can't make decisions only based on our BPD parents' feelings. We do have to choose to treat them civilly- as we would everyone but this doesn't mean letting them hurt us. Your boundary: I love you mother, but I can not let you hurt me physically. I will only see you under supervised situations ( a bf or other adult with you- so she can not gang up on you) or not at all if you choose.

[Turkish]

That's all an unacceptable invasion of personal, emotional and physical boundaries.  I'm sorry that she has done all of that and is still laying heavy guilt trips.  Your father seems to have stepped in a little.  How else is he supporting you? My ex is from Oaxaca and I was never able to tell how much of her mother's guilt trips were cultural and how much were just her mom playing the Hermit-Waif. Do you have siblings?

You deserve to have your own life, it's normal, and that doesn't mean you're abandoning or disrespecting your family.  She obviously doesn't see it like that and there's a deep hurt and fear going on with her.  She's likely acting out what happened to her but that doesn't excuse she hurting you.