how to move forward?

[conflicted55]

Am  feeling stuck. How do I move forward? My SO wuBPD has ended the relationship with no explanation though I have suspected her of seeing someone else for awhile now. I have no concrete evidence only her change in behavior towards me and noticing certain times when she does not want me around... bit of a pattern. Ie a certain weekday night and a certain weekend morning. And a gut feeling of being lied too. Also an email from an ex professing undying love back in the summer.
I want to talk, at the least to get some  closure. We were friends before our relationship. But I feel frozen. As she has split me black her perception of me has become increasingly negative and skewed. I feel unsafe. I believe she is BPD with some NPD. I  have a sense this breakup has been planned. Possibly with her new flame/ex. I dont want to fall into a trap. Am I making sense?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I dont want to fall into a trap. Am I making sense?

yes. anxiety can also make us perceive and fear threats, anticipate and prepare for them. do you think your ex is trying to set you up for something to hurt you? if so, why?

her change in behavior towards me and noticing certain times when she does not want me around... bit of a pattern.

so the two of you are back in contact? what change of behavior are you noticing?

[conflicted55]

No not in contact. The pattern had been in the preceding months.

She set me up before. She has a vindictive, vengeful side. She has treated previous partners badly.
I think she will want to portray me in a bad light so she saves face with work colleagues who all like me.

[once removed]

if its been some months, hopefully youre in the clear.

I want to talk, at the least to get some  closure.

do you still want to do this?

[conflicted55]

The pattern was withholding, disengaging over a no of months and most recently lying about her movements.The discard was less than a week ago whilst I was unwell. Due to some things she said I suspect was planned in advance with her ex. (who wants to get back with her).

Yes I still want to talk to get some closure for my own sanity. I have been left up in the air which is contributing to my ill health. My stuff is at her place. We have some finances to sort. So at some point there will have to be contact. Even though there is a part of me that does not want to set eyes on her again. Sadly, a relative lives close to me so she will be going past my house on a weekly basis.

[once removed]

Yes I still want to talk to get some closure for my own sanity. I have been left up in the air which is contributing to my ill health. My stuff is at her place. We have some finances to sort.

if getting your stuff back and clearing up finances are necessary, you may want to separate the closure talk from the "business". otherwise things may drag out.

what sort of stuff does she have?

[conflicted55]

Update. I decided to pop over to get my some of my stuff (clothes).
And whose car pulled up and my SO got out of? Her ex's car. The ex she says she is not in contact with. The ex I have suspected has been in the picture since earlier this year.
The ex drove off sharpish. I went inside with my SO. She downplayed the ex. But so obvious she is lying.why do they lie?
She proceeded to deflect by attacking me... .I don't do this... .I don't do that... yes I was back to defending myself in one of those circular arguments. I had the kitchen sink thrown at me figuratively speaking. I asked if she used to be like this with her ex. She said no as they were not as heated as us. But I recall... they were companions because the ex would not commit so my SO then cheated on her unbeknownst to her ex.
I did try validating her. And I used the word validate. I was accused of using posh words. Arghhh!

[once removed]

I did try validating her. And I used the word validate. I was accused of using posh words. Arghhh!

this often happens when we first try out validation. validation is less a tool to put out a fire, and more of a life style... .knowing how to listen to someone with empathy, and speak to them in a way that reflects that we understand (or are trying to) where they are coming from. its often easier to look at it more in terms of "dont be invalidating" as opposed to "validate" (this person im in an argument with).

circular arguments require two people in order for them to happen... .learn more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

it sounds like you are carrying pain and resentment from the breakup and you want it to be heard by her. its understandable. im not sure this is the best way to go about it. confronting our ex partners about who they are hanging out with months down the road can make us look a little like spurned lovers, and it naturally puts them on the defensive.

i would, if youre able, determine the path you want to go down here.

do you want to be friends with her?
do you want your stuff back and to otherwise be done?
do you want to get back with her romantically?
do you want to have a closure conversation and have your feelings/thoughts be heard by her?

each of these will require very different approaches, and one path may be a taller order than the next. what do you want to do?