How well do thoughtful apologies work?

[Sad Guy]

I'm considering apologising for my behaviour to my ex to get him back. He broke up with me after picking lots of fights with me. We were together for over a year and I dealt with most of our problems by quietly letting everything slide.

I don't feel like any of the turbulence in our relationship was my fault. I was the one constantly attempting to descelate things. But I could conceivably apologise for invalidating his feelings... .at the end of our relationship he'd scream at me and go nuts and I would be there like "what the heck, none of that happened, stop being angry, why are you screaming at me and calling me names?" I know now that that's the worst thing to do when they get like that.

If I apologised for my small part in the fights... .how do you think he'd take that?
He's seeing someone else at the moment, but I'm hoping to be painted white when he devalues this new partner... .which I think might be happening right now.

I just want to apologise for invalidating his feelings, tell him I've been doing some reflecting and character building, that I've changed, and that I'm sorry - I never meant to make him feel invalidated. Maybe I'd use different phrasing. And somehow accept partial responsibility for what triggered him going into dissociative rages, and absolve him of his actions as i now understand he wasn't in control anymore. Not taking responsibility for the rages, but for pushing buttons I now know does no one any good to push. And it seems like it's frightening for himself to get like that.

I don't want to say this in a context of getting him back as he'd be super defensive... .more asking him to forgive me and up my chances of a fresh new coat of white paint. He's been really standoffish and I haven't talked to him in weeks... .

How well do you think that's going to go down?

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[once removed]

thoughtful apologies, when sincere, are great.

im not sure i entirely follow the line of thinking here. youre essentially apologizing as a means to hopefully make him feel better about you as he feels worse about his partner, and want to get back with you, do i have that right?

think this through. what are you truly sorry for? what do you own? what do you want to say? are you prepared in the event he doesnt come back, or doesnt even respond?

[Radcliff]

I can see the genuineness in your apology for invalidating his feelings.  You've carefully selected a good arena for an apology.  Feelings are always valid, and we all end up invalidating our pwBPD's feelings sometimes.  Be cautious, though with apologies.  Be careful not to validate the invalid, even in subtle ways.  Saying something like, "I've changed," creates a trap where it could seem like you're taking on responsibility for anything he wants to lump on you, such that if he doesn't like something in the future, it's your fault, because you didn't change as promised.

I can relate to dealing with problems by quietly letting everything slide.  Over many years, it does not typically go well -- your self will continue to be eroded, and his behavior may even worsen because there is no penalty for bad behavior.  I'm not saying you should punish him or try to control him -- that never works well -- but if you don't have healthy boundaries, that short-term path of least resistance will harm you both in the long run.  Is the term, "boundaries," one that is familiar to you?  As preparation for re-starting this relationship on a healthier footing, would you be interested in learning more about boundaries?

RC

[Sad Guy]

thoughtful apologies, when sincere, are great.

im not sure i entirely follow the line of thinking here. youre essentially apologizing as a means to hopefully make him feel better about you as he feels worse about his partner, and want to get back with you, do i have that right?

think this through. what are you truly sorry for? what do you own? what do you want to say? are you prepared in the event he doesnt come back, or doesnt even respond?

Yeah, I hope that apologising to him will get him to let go of the negativity he's feeling toward me and possibly remember our relationship fondly... .and as he devalues his current partner he may compare his new good feelings about me with his current bad feelings about his current partner.

I can be truly sorry for invalidating his feelings because I didn't mean to do that. I want him to understand that I didn't mean for him to get hurt by me invalidating him, I just didn't realise I was doing it. I'm already in the situation where he's not back so I'm prepared for him not coming back... .business as usual, just self improvement, while I look for a new partner or another way to get this guy back.

[Sad Guy]

I can see the genuineness in your apology for invalidating his feelings.  You've carefully selected a good arena for an apology.  Feelings are always valid, and we all end up invalidating our pwBPD's feelings sometimes.  Be cautious, though with apologies.  Be careful not to validate the invalid, even in subtle ways.  Saying something like, "I've changed," creates a trap where it could seem like you're taking on responsibility for anything he wants to lump on you, such that if he doesn't like something in the future, it's your fault, because you didn't change as promised.

I can relate to dealing with problems by quietly letting everything slide.  Over many years, it does not typically go well -- your self will continue to be eroded, and his behavior may even worsen because there is no penalty for bad behavior.  I'm not saying you should punish him or try to control him -- that never works well -- but if you don't have healthy boundaries, that short-term path of least resistance will harm you both in the long run.  Is the term, "boundaries," one that is familiar to you?  As preparation for re-starting this relationship on a healthier footing, would you be interested in learning more about boundaries?

RC

I can be more specific in how I've changed... .but honestly, he's going to remember whatever I say however he wants to remember it and throw it back in my face later regardless, . That's the nature of BPD.

I actually came out of the relationship with very little damage to myself worth, despite my partner's behaviour. I'd complain about my ex's behaviour to my friends and they'd constantly tell me that what he was doing would eat away at their self worth... .but I guess I never looked up to my ex, so his warped opinion of me never made me question if I had a problem, it's pretty clear he's the one with issues.

The first time I dated him I was very strictly setting up a number of boundaries... .but he got upset by them. So the second go around I just let him walk all over a number of boundaries I'd like to have. I'm not really sure how to set boundaries with him without him getting upset and wanting to end the relationship... .but when I get him back I do want to insist on some interventions... .I've bought a DBT workbook I want to go through with him at the very least, and I've put aside money to pay to attend group therapies with him, if I can interest him in going.

I guess I should learn to set boundaries in a validating way. I'm kind of cold when I set them.

[Radcliff]

Once upon a time, I bought the DBT workbook as well, so I understand the good intent there.

When we teach boundaries here, we're mostly focused on our own protections.  But there's a complementary aspect of boundaries -- the boundaries of other people that we respect.  And that's interrelated with ownership and responsibility.  Have you done any reading or otherwise had exposure to this notion of others' boundaries?

RC

[Sad Guy]

Once upon a time, I bought the DBT workbook as well, so I understand the good intent there.

When we teach boundaries here, we're mostly focused on our own protections.  But there's a complementary aspect of boundaries -- the boundaries of other people that we respect.  And that's interrelated with ownership and responsibility.  Have you done any reading or otherwise had exposure to this notion of others' boundaries?

RC

I haven't done much reading on how to pick up on the boundaries of others, or how to respect them beyond just not doing whatever it is that they're putting boundaries on.

Was there something specific related to that that you think would be helpful to me?

[once removed]

I can be truly sorry for invalidating his feelings because I didn't mean to do that. I want him to understand that I didn't mean for him to get hurt by me invalidating him,

if you want to send a thoughtful apology, i might be less specific. getting specific can open up those old wounds, or be taken differently than we might intend.

what about a general (example only, you can personalize it)"you know, ive been thinking, and i realize i didnt always handle things in the best way. im sorry for that. im trying to learn from it. i hope that youre doing well" kinda thing. one that gets your point across, doesnt necessarily require an immediate response, but can go toward thawing the ice.

what do you think?

[Sad Guy]

if you want to send a thoughtful apology, i might be less specific. getting specific can open up those old wounds, or be taken differently than we might intend.

what about a general (example only, you can personalize it)"you know, ive been thinking, and i realize i didnt always handle things in the best way. im sorry for that. im trying to learn from it. i hope that youre doing well" kinda thing. one that gets your point across, doesnt necessarily require an immediate response, but can go toward thawing the ice.

what do you think?

I feel like if I'm too vague it won't be as impactful, and be way more up for interpretation. Vague apologies personally make me angry.

I kind of want to pop open old wounds so that validating his feelings around them will cause healing of those wounds, rather than leaving them buried to fester.

[once removed]

do you want to try writing what you want to say (your apology) here?