Christmas Cancer is Coming

[cClearly]

Does anybody else have a BPD who causes injury to themselves for attention?  In the last year, BPD MIL has removed her insulin pump and injured herself causing a break to a bone.  These are attention seeking behaviors for her.  My DH has distanced himself over the last year due to her behavior toward both of us and our marriage and these behaviors were her attempt to drag him back into the fold.  Luckily, we have a good therapist who suspected it for what it was and we were able to get through it.  I know the holidays will be a ripe time for more of this...

Anybody else just get anxiety from wondering what they will do next?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

Holidays tend to be a time for more frequent difficulties with pwBPD (people with BPD).  Stress, sadness, feelings of loss can all contribute (for everyone really but especially pwBPD.  My parents are dead now, so I am talking in the past tense but the holidays are still a strange time.  I was just talking with my brother last weekend and he still hates the holidays.  He gets tense and sad and angry starting around October 15th and it continues until January.  I go quiet and refuse invitations and just stay home.  I am skilled at avoidance.

I am curious when you say she removed her insulin pump.  Do you mean she stopped using it?  Self care and medication compliance can also be a problem.  I also know many diabetics on an insulin pump with choose to stop using it on occasion... .not smart. 

Anybody else just get anxiety from wondering what they will do next?

Yes, I did.   I think it is common especially when you are not familiar with the behaviors and what drives them and the tools that can help you cope better.  Being able to distance yourself emotionally goes a long way in helping with the anxiety.

I hope you read and post more.  I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

[Panda39]

Hi cClearly, welcome to the group 

I'm here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share two daughters so I come at this from a slightly different angle.

I see a lot of the weird health issue stuff with my SO's ex.  Much of it revolves around various illnesses and injuries some real & some not.  Many of the illnesses are things that are subjective... .so you can't really pin down if it's real or not. Yes, we see it as a play for sympathy/attention too, sometimes drug seeking too.  I think when things get too hard for her she heads to the doctor.  She will often use her illnesses as excuses to not do things she doesn't want to do... .like drive or have a job... .her knees are bad so she can't work   Really last time I looked she could walk and sit in a chair !

Like Harri said the holidays are often stressful for the best of us, but even more so when someone with BPD is in the mix.

You have anxiety, my reaction tends to be anger.  Failed promises to her daughters are especially triggering for me, I mean who does that?  She does 

You and your husband might try and plan ahead for the holidays.  It sounds like you have distanced yourselves at least for the time being.  Do you intend to spend time with your Mother-in-Law (MIL) over the holidays? 

You guys might put your heads together and try and plan some boundaries around some of those typical behaviors she presents you with during the holidays.  I bet there are some things that she does over and over, like my SO's ex making promises to her daughters that she doesn't keep.

Because of their mother breaking promises over and over and some really big ones, her daughters have limited their contact just like you and your husband have.  You do not need to sit there and take abuse... .nor should you.  D18 is low contact with her mom primarily phone/text with the odd lunch or cup of coffee here or there and D22 has had no contact with her mother for the last 3 years.  The choice to do this was not easy for either of them and still isn't, but it was what they were driven to do by their mom's behaviors.  Their dad and I just support the choices they feel are best for themselves.

Going Low Contact or No Contact are 2 boundaries, but there are many others that come between doing every thing your MIL wants you to do and No Contact.

If you are going to see her over the holidays, you could limit the length of time of your visit, you could go out to dinner (where she might be on her better behavior) rather than doing dinner at home. If you typically stay in her home or she stays in yours switch that to staying in a hotel (give yourself a place to take a break).  If she starts the weird/or deliberate self harm stuff with her health... .don't feed the drama just I would just ignore it or take her to the emergency room let the health professionals deal with her health issues.  If she starts yelling or getting verbally abusive you can always leave you do not have to stay.  Besides the attention seeking what are some of the things you commonly see her do over and over?

More on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Panda39

[cruiser23]

Hey! I just joined this board a couple of days ago, and am SO thankful to be here! I wanted to say hello, and that I'm laughing because I look at holidays like a cancer as well. I hate them! I don't want to deal with them, I don't decorate, I don't hardly celebrate at all. I get zero enjoyment out of them. I'm 35, my parents got divorced when I was 14 or so, and even before that my mom ruined the holidays for us. She's not formally diagnosed, but she's definitely BPD. Anyway... .I hate the holidays... it's a time for her to fight over where we will be, when we will be, etc... .  And this year, she has already started to talk about NEXT year's Christmas already... .It's exhausting... "This year is MY year... .You went to HIS family's last year" "Next year you should just stay home again" etc... .so exhausting... .She doesn't hurt herself, she just rages at me, and is demanding and possessive.

Happy Hallowthanksmus (thats how I define when they put all the rest of the year's holidays all out at once in the stores) LOL

[Turkish]

"Hallowthanksmus"

Looking back on my life upon dysfunctional people, I can see how holidays and birthdays are opportunities for drama.

What's your contact with your MIL currently cClearly and what kinds of boundaries do you and your husband have?

[cClearly]

Hi and welcome!

 

I am curious when you say she removed her insulin pump.  Do you mean she stopped using it?  Self care and medication compliance can also be a problem.  I also know many diabetics on an insulin pump with choose to stop using it on occasion... .not smart. 
 
I hope you read and post more.  I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

She removed it physically from her body and went to bed without it.

[cClearly]

"Hallowthanksmus"



What's your contact with your MIL currently cClearly and what kinds of boundaries do you and your husband have?

I am fully no contact.  My husband is low contact.  He does short check in calls once or twice a week and sees her maybe once a month for a limited amount of time, usually an hour or so. 
We are talking seriously about boundaries in counseling, because it took a while for my husband to be convinced that she is doing these things purposely.  The firmest I have right now is that he will not jump and run the next time and stay.  He will make sure she is taken to the hospital and they have her checked in and then he will leave.

[cClearly]

She removed it physically from her body and went to bed without it.

And to clarify, then spent 5 days in ICU.  My husband and I had created a great deal of distance.  At that point, he had just returned home after we had separated two months due to her behavior, his enabling and simply put, enmeshment.  This was her way of having him crawl back.  ... .  He didn't... .

[Turkish]

 Do you think that this has made things better?

[cClearly]

Turkish,

It definitely has as far as anxiety and my marriage.  My husband's mental health is much better, as well.  However, we both live in fear of what she will do next and wonder if she will eventually take it too far.  She could have easily when she removed her insulin pump.

At the same time, we don't want to be "those people" who mistreat someone who is truly sick or injured, but she has cried wolf so many times that she cannot be believed.

She has created and maintains a world of chaos to maintain control of everyone around her.  For the most part, we have escaped that, but at the same time, we have to anticipate the her next move constantly.