In middle of emotional swing, how to handle?

[BeaconLost]

 
Hi, I haven't posted to this site yet, I need help. We are a few weeks into my fiance's diagnosis of BPD and PTSD from childhood abuse; all traits point to YES.
So, right now I have just cut off (stuck to my boundary) communication - I am at work, he is at work, we work at the same company, different buildings.
I was away from my cell phone, I went and got lunch in the caf, had an ad-hoc business discussion, an ex sites next in desk next to me, I went to a meeting, he checked my phone bill log and a phone number he didn't recognize was on it - all of these things led to an irrational set of calls and messages, accusations, assumptions, really pulling me down and starting verbal attacks, interruption - He logged into my email as well - you have been there I assume - so I calmly said I am getting off the phone and stopped responding to IM and text, and sent an email saying, I see some unrelated events have triggered him, I am not cheating, lying, etc, I love him, I want him to breathe and relax, etc. I said I will finish my workday and keep this boundary in place and talk to him later. He has stopped the incessant calls and texts/IMs.

I am soo scared because I see the pattern brewing, and it would usually end in a rage attack and physical abuse.
Our kids will be home after school, nanny too.
WHAT DO I DO... .how do I approach him now, how do I (continue?) to diffuse?
Here is the email I sent him:

Right now, I believe you are in the middle of an intense emotional swing, and I want to be there for you and tell you that I love you.
Recent things may have inadvertently triggered an emotional outburst. I understand I did not cause it, but you are taking it out on me.

I said I was free to talk then I was interrupted for a business discussion.
I went and grabbed lunch and did not communicate with you.
I went to a meeting and didn't bring my phone.
You saw an unknown number on my cell phone log.
There is no apparent movement for XX's move.

None of these things represent me wanting to cheat, lie, leave, dishonor you. I love you.
None of these things are connected.
None of these things are me trying to avoid you or be sneaky behind your back.

I said I had to get off the phone when last we spoke because I was feeling abused and scared. I felt you were getting out of control with your thoughts and assumptions.
I did not hang up on you. I am setting that boundary and will not be made to feel guilty when I want to get off the phone when you cross the line.

I am going to finish my business day. I am going to limit communication because when these emotional swings happen, it’s difficult for me to handle my workload. I also cannot rationalize with you, give you an answer and it be the 'correct' answer you want, or manage to talk to you.

I love you so very much. I am worried about you, I care about every part of you. I hope you can breathe and walk and find some peace.

I love you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi BeaconLost, and

it sounds like you, as do many of us, have a jealous partner. i did. its no picnic.

this may be a part of who he is, to lesser or greater degrees. it will help, when it comes to the tools, to think in terms of a lifestyle change, more about mature conflict resolution, rather than putting out each fire. because putting out fires is exhausting, and theyre gonna start.

taking a time out, if your partner takes things too far, if communication has deteriorated or is escalating, can help, if done reassuringly, lovingly, and also firmly. its important not to use it as punishment or silent treatment, but as a means for you to both get back to baseline, and then pick things back up when it can be done constructively. consistency is important, because sometimes our partners will try to push our buttons when theyre overwhelmed and unable to self soothe.

the communication tools here can really help. looking at your email, i sense that you were hoping he would hear you, things would click, and he would "snap out of it" so to speak. you may even have seen him do that before. the problem is that when a person is in an emotionally dysregulated state, such an approach tends to fall on deaf ears, or even be like gasoline on the fire. if youre anything like me, you might double down on the approach until youre completely exasperated.

dealing with a jealous partner is a really tough balance because typically its a deep seated fear, and people tend to look for confirmations of their fears, we cant necessarily love that out of them. if we are too defensive, we look guilty and fan the flames. if we start hiding our stuff, we look secretive, like we are "hiding something". if we try to answer all the questions and reassure too much, its never enough to get at the underlying fear, and the conversation can get circular quickly. you need a good combination of learning not to JADE, learning not to invalidate, learning not to provide ammunition, learning to validate the valid, positive reinforcement and some reassurance, some transparency to build trust, and, when things are just going haywire or circular, learning to set limits like taking a time out. its a lot to learn, i know. with some practice, it becomes natural, and things can become more manageable.

how long have the two of you been together, and has the jealousy always been a problem? what led him to the path of being diagnosed.

lastly, im concerned about the physical abuse. when was the last time this occurred? what happened? are you currently safe?

[Radcliff]

We are sorry to hear of the situation you are in, but are glad you have found us.  There is a lot for us to talk about, and there are skills that you can learn to keep from adding to the conflict.

The first priority is physical safety.  Can you tell us the most recent time he was physically abusive?  Can you tell us about the worst incident of physical abuse?  Have you had any contact with local domestic violence resources?

Also, please read this article on how not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Our efforts to explain ourselves often end up increasing the conflict, especially because our irrational pwBPD are reacting emotionally, and it's not in our power to get them to see things our way.  Validation is important.  We shouldn't validate our partner's "fake facts," but their feelings are genuine to them, so acknowledging their feelings is helpful.

RC

[BeaconLost]

Thank you both SO MUCH.

It has been an emotional rollercoaster, we have been together for 2 years, divorced from others and we both have children. The fights, rages, abuse increased over time. He has never hit the children and only an a few occasions has he risen his voice to them - the children are my priority and his, and this diagnosis has been pivotal.

The last physical abuse was about 3 weeks ago - no outright punching but certainly enough of everything else to cause bruising and physical harm. He is aware and taking accountability. This is the first time I am seeing the rage/irrational/dysreg start after he was given a formal diagnosis by a therapist. He is in weekly therapy. So, my fear is that he won't be able to control it even though he knows it.
I have slept in my car before to get away. Thankfully with the divorce we only have the kids 50/50. They mostly only know the beautiful, amazing, loving side of him. Like I see everywhere, he takes it out on me.

Jealously is a mainstay and a primary issue in our relationship - so many stories he made up in his head. Raging for hours. Earlier this year I found out he had a phone sex addiction and dabbled with social media cheating. UGH.

He is so much better - the addiction has stopped, accountabilty overall, seeking treatment, reading, workbooks, etc. BUT, here I am seeing the signs.
He just texted me he is upset I am going to the gym afterwork and he did not get to see my clothes and everyone else did. oh boy.

Can you tell me some exact phrases i can use to diffuse, or should i just say Timeout, we will talk later?

[Radcliff]

You have the kids tonight, correct?  What do you do if you're concerned about physical violence and the kids are home?

A timeout can help to diffuse tensions, but also can increase them if that's not a tool the two of you have learned to use.  Have you successfully done a time out before?  A timeout should not be punitive.  Best if you say you need some time to compose yourself, so you can communicate better.  And give a time that you'll be back (twenty minutes is a good amount of time to allow people's bodies to calm down, but do longer if you need it).  Let us know about your prior experience with timeouts.

RC

[BeaconLost]

We have recently started time outs and he respects them. It doesn't always fix, but diffuses.
I guess I was hoping there was a magic phase... .
I have taken the kids out of the house before when I saw the triggers and knew things would escalate.
I read the JADE articles, very helpful, thank you, and certainly was my playbook before I understood.
I'm just lost as to what do I say now when we both get home?

[once removed]

is he gonna bring the clothes thing back up? if not, i wouldnt bring it back up.

show him the clothes. flirt. ask what he thinks. make it fun. if he pulls a "too late now" kinda thing, and pouts, dont push it or take it personally. in general, think of something that prioritizes him, that connects the two of you.

all of this is really about him wanting reassurance. actions, more than words, connectedness, can provide that, without trying to talk him out of it, or worse, rewarding bad behavior.

[Radcliff]

Let us know how the evening went.

We should come back to talk about this:

The last physical abuse was about 3 weeks ago - no outright punching but certainly enough of everything else to cause bruising and physical harm.

Can you give us more detail?  How did the situation develop?  What exactly did he do?  What bruising and physical harm was caused?

You are in a complex situation and are working hard to solve many simultaneous problems.  That's a natural approach.  It's what I did.  But it's important to put the physical issues at the top of the list, because without basic safety, the other problems can't effectively be worked on.

RC