Emotionally manipulated

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all! I am glad there is a place like this for us sufferers. So happy I found it.

Background - was with gfwBPD for 3 years, but did not suspect BPD until just recently when she went to the hospital for the 2nd time on attempted suicide (cutting). We’ve broken up many times in the past, each time threatening suicide if I left. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to break it off and stand firm. Visited her in the hospital and was manipulated somehow into thinking about staying (her calm/cool reasonable state). However, the 2nd day, she was denied leave and made a scene, yelling at me through the phone that it was my fault she was there and I had to do something to break her out. After 20 minutes of this, I had enough and hung up. I decided to go NC, but talking to her therapist, I decided to stay and at least try to be a friend. (This was when I discovered BPD). It ALL came together.

Now I am regretting my decision to not leave and go NC. I made the boundary that I only want to hang out once a week. She said, but if I need you (feeling depressed - suicidal - lonely) that I should at least help her out with my company. However every time she comes over with the woe-is-me attitude, we get into the cycle again and my night of healing myself (having my me time) is wasted.

Some info
Her - has 2 other friends (sad they cancel plans sometimes, feels alone, abandoned), hates her home (has been living with me for 2 years), feels like her parents are against her), has a job though

What should I do, she has appts with psychiatrist this week for help with BP or BPD. Should I just remain a friend until she sees them? Should I go no contact? Being firm with my one boundary causes major guilt trips. I am stuck I feel.

[Dunzos]

Hi all! I am glad there is a place like this for us sufferers. So happy I found it.

Background - was with gfwBPD for 3 years, but did not suspect BPD until just recently when she went to the hospital for the 2nd time on attempted suicide (cutting). We’ve broken up many times in the past, each time threatening suicide if I left. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to break it off and stand firm. Visited her in the hospital and was manipulated somehow into thinking about staying (her calm/cool reasonable state). However, the 2nd day, she was denied leave and made a scene, yelling at me through the phone that it was my fault she was there and I had to do something to break her out. After 20 minutes of this, I had enough and hung up. I decided to go NC, but talking to her therapist, I decided to stay and at least try to be a friend. (This was when I discovered BPD). It ALL came together.

Now I am regretting my decision to not leave and go NC. I made the boundary that I only want to hang out once a week. She said, but if I need you (feeling depressed - suicidal - lonely) that I should at least help her out with my company. However every time she comes over with the woe-is-me attitude, we get into the cycle again and my night of healing myself (having my me time) is wasted.

Some info
Her - has 2 other friends (sad they cancel plans sometimes, feels alone, abandoned), hates her home (has been living with me for 2 years), feels like her parents are against her), has a job though

What should I do, she has appts with psychiatrist this week for help with BP or BPD. Should I just remain a friend until she sees them? Should I go no contact? Being firm with my one boundary causes major guilt trips. I am stuck I feel.

[Chitchat]

What do you want to do?

[Mindfried]

We all know what the right answer is in our hearts. I was with an udBPD women for over 4 years. Roller coaster relationship with lots of break-ups. She finally put the nail in the coffin this past July. As painful as it has been and as much as I miss her everyday I know it is for the best. She was a bottomless pit and what I have come to learn is you will never be able to do enough and nothing will ever be good enough. It's really your call on what to do. Just sharing my experience.

[JNChell]

Hello, Dunzos and welcome. I’m sorry for what has lead you to find us, but glad that you did. You’ve found a great resource and more importantly great people that are here to support you as well as continue to learn and grow with your contributions here. Thank you for opening up.

My ex was a cutter as well. She had mentioned a history of it early on in our relationship, but I thought it was in her past. I knew about BPD then, but I didn’t have a real grasp on it and the presence of patterns at the time. Now I do. I’m sorry that you had to witness and be so closely involved with these behaviors. I imagine that it’s quite troubling to sit with this stuff. How are you feeling now?

You’re torn between being her friend and being there for her and your own safe space. Do you feel like being there for her has a positive effect on your well being, or a negative one? Do you feel obligated?

We can’t answer this question for you. We can most definitely support you in your decision. I will say this, I hope your decision is a reflection of your self care and what you view as being best for you in moving forward. You didn’t create this for her. She brought it to your doorstep. You’ve tried to help, and in my estimation she is now seeking you out as an enabler for her victimhood. What’s your next move? Guilt aside and objectivity at the forefront, who should you really be looking out for here?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dunzos, Welcome!  Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a person w/BPD manipulates a Non.  It's basically arm-twisting to force you to do what they want.  When you detect F-O-G, I suggest that, rather than react in knee-jerk fashion, you take a time out to think over what works best for you after taking her situation into account.  At the end of the day, you call the shots for your own life, right?

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Dunzos,

When you detect F-O-G, I suggest that, rather than react in knee-jerk fashion, you take a time out to think over what works best for you after taking her situation into account.  

I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you here. Being in a r/s with a pwBPD traits can feel like you're in an emotional rollercoaster, I can understand the guilt.

I wanted to mention that you said that you felt guilty when you set your one and only boundary, I didn't have boundaries with exuBPDw, think about it this way if  you don't have boundaries then you're trusting that the other person knows what you want and that they're not going to harm you. A lot of us here had floating boundaries or no boundaries, what is different now if you set boundaries is that you have us to talk to and support you through this, you're not alone.

Here is a good article on those guilty feelings that your ex pwBPD triggers in you: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[Lucky Jim]

if  you don't have boundaries then you're trusting that the other person knows what you want and that they're not going to harm you. A lot of us here had floating boundaries or no boundaries, what is different now if you set boundaries is that you have us to talk to and support you through this, you're not alone.

Great point, Mutt!  I was naive because I lacked boundaries and trusted my BPDxW to treat me with kindness and consideration, which was a deeply flawed approach in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Who knew about BPD?  After I finally learned about BPD, Boundaries became essential, particularly when she went into her Mr. Hyde mode. 

LJ

[Long_term_dad]

Hi all! I am glad there is a place like this for us sufferers. So happy I found it.

Background - was with gfwBPD for 3 years, but did not suspect BPD until just recently when she went to the hospital for the 2nd time on attempted suicide (cutting). We’ve broken up many times in the past, each time threatening suicide if I left. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I decided to break it off and stand firm. Visited her in the hospital and was manipulated somehow into thinking about staying (her calm/cool reasonable state). However, the 2nd day, she was denied leave and made a scene, yelling at me through the phone that it was my fault she was there and I had to do something to break her out. After 20 minutes of this, I had enough and hung up. I decided to go NC, but talking to her therapist, I decided to stay and at least try to be a friend. (This was when I discovered BPD). It ALL came together.

Now I am regretting my decision to not leave and go NC. I made the boundary that I only want to hang out once a week. She said, but if I need you (feeling depressed - suicidal - lonely) that I should at least help her out with my company. However every time she comes over with the woe-is-me attitude, we get into the cycle again and my night of healing myself (having my me time) is wasted.

Some info
Her - has 2 other friends (sad they cancel plans sometimes, feels alone, abandoned), hates her home (has been living with me for 2 years), feels like her parents are against her), has a job though

What should I do, she has appts with psychiatrist this week for help with BP or BPD. Should I just remain a friend until she sees them? Should I go no contact? Being firm with my one boundary causes major guilt trips. I am stuck I feel.

Welcome!

The answer to your question "What do I do?" will become apparent to you as you share your feelings and experiences here.  There's something about the process that helps us to not feel so alone, gives us the community of people many of whom share our exact experience, and empowers us with information.  I bought the "Eggshells" book on Audible and bookmarked several passages about boundaries and probably played them again and again 100 times.  It helped.  Just be here and be engaged and things will begin to improve for you and you will eventually know exactly what to do!

[Dunzos]

Oh my gosh, I thought I would get notified by email for any responses. Thanks everyone for your kind words!

Update: I decided to stick it out and not go NC. We had a few setbacks with arguments (which was why I left, couldn’t stand the BPD arguments anymore, couldn’t speak rationally). But she has been turning it around. She’s doing yoga with a mindfulness component to it. She’s hiking, camping, exercising. Really trying hard to get back together. But I can’t help but think this is a manipulation tactic. I guess time will tell. I’m starting to do much better though. Thanks everyone!

[Mutt]

Oh my gosh, I thought I would get notified by email for any responses. Thanks everyone for your kind words!

You should get an email notifying you if you don’t follow the link in the email you’re not going to get further notifications.

We had a few setbacks with arguments (which was why I left, couldn’t stand the BPD arguments anymore, couldn’t speak rationally). But she has been turning it around.

I’m glad to hear that things are a little better I wish the best of luck. I would suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder there is a reason why a owBPD behave the way that they do - I can understand the frustration with the arguments.

A pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame, they feel more negative feelings than positive ones and feel things two thousand times more intensely than you or I.

Can you imagine how that would feel like inside there are many reasons why a pwBPD argue one could be that they’re altering reality to match their out of place feelings.

Keep in mind that a pwBPD are socially impaired you can’t rely on a pwBPD to meet you half way in the r/s they might be able to reach 10%, 20% my point is that you have to emotionally strong to be in a r/s with a pwBPD you’re going to have to cover for 70 80% in the r/s.

We have more than this board I’d suggest to post the problems that you’re having in the r/s arguing etc over on the bettering board and learn the tools they’ll help you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0