does anyone here know what a non BPD marriage feels like?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wonder what a normal marriage would feel like?  Maybe there is no such thing as a normal marriage.

Before I got married to my wife, non diagnosed person with majority of BPD traits, ptsd diagnosis, I imagined happy walks together, a best friend and no doubt a lot more.  The reality was a lot different, constant niggling fights, insults, accusations, despite giving support and love above and beyond in many ways….

I'd love to hear from you, to benchmark expectations against reality

thank you kindly

I wonder what it is like to feel someone is your soulmate and there for you no matter what?  And to work at lifes challenges together…...

[Ruskin]

I wonder what a normal marriage would feel like?  Maybe there is no such thing as a normal marriage.

Before I got married to my wife, non diagnosed person with majority of BPD traits, ptsd diagnosis, I imagined happy walks together, a best friend and no doubt a lot more.  The reality was a lot different, constant niggling fights, insults, accusations, despite giving support and love above and beyond in many ways….

I'd love to hear from you, to benchmark expectations against reality

thank you kindly

I wonder what it is like to feel someone is your soulmate and there for you no matter what?  And to work at lifes challenges together…...

[SweetCharlotte]

I wonder what a normal marriage would feel like?  Maybe there is no such thing as a normal marriage. . .
I wonder what it is like to feel someone is your soulmate and there for you no matter what?  And to work at lifes challenges together…...

My first marriage was actually worse. I was married to a guy on the autistic spectrum (according to our couples counsellor) who never wanted to be diagnosed. He had meltdowns regularly, and there was little true intimacy or communication. He was mainly into collecting/hoarding. We only lived together for 2 years.
My current marriage to a uBPDh has had normal stretches (using the relationship tools), so for weeks at a time I have had the feelings you describe. Then, just when I think it will never happen again, it happens in a worse way than the last time. I'm left thinking, "I can never forgive him for this." and "I will never take him back."

Do you have any relatively normal periods that you think might be stretched out?

[Red5]

*I wonder what a normal marriage would feel like?  Maybe there is no such thing as a normal marriage.
*I wonder what it is like to feel someone is your soulmate and there for you no matter what?  And to work at lifes challenges together…

Hello Ruskin !

I’ve been married to udxw#2 for about eight yrs now, and in a r/s with her for eleven yrs.

I was married before, got started young, I was eighteen, she [exw#1] was barely seventeen.

First wife was an abuse victim from her childhood home, the worst kind imaginable; long story, we were together for almost twenty-two yrs; had three kids together, and the oldest was/is autistic.

So after the divorce; in honest retrospect; I really had no business dating again, but I did, had one (1) gf in between (nine+ months r/s), then met s2b wife #2, dated for about four years… then married her.

I had grandiose ideas about getting it right finally, but it was not to be, as I had learnt nothing in the first marriage, I thought I did, in regards to emotional damage/trauma, and how it effects people in adult life, but turns out I was way behind the eight-ball on this… although I did learn a thing or two in regards to subject from the gf no.1 in the “intermission phase”…

Now looking back, and understanding that I had spent over half my life (eighteen yrs old to age forty) married… that I had a lot of issues myself… what do they call it; the “inner child” running the show, trying to “get it right”… over and over again, but not having the emotional tools to “get it right”, and thusly falling into the same trap over and over…

It was, and is “good” here and there, this current marriage, but when its bad, it’s really bad… certainly nothing like I envisioned or hoped for…

My current udxw was also married previously for over twenty years, practically over half her life, she also starting early at age six-teen… Lordy!… should have known eh!

So the answer is a resounding no for me… I have absolutely no idea what a “normal marriage” is… I think I see them out here on the streets of my town, in our Church, in my work environment… but as it was said above, are there really any “normal marriages”… Hmmm,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Notwendy]

I don't think we ever know what a marriage is like behind closed doors from looking at it. I know many couples who are divorced, and I doubt all of them are because of BPD.

A concept of marriage that I learned along the way was the idea of marriage as a crucible- it forms us and forces us to look at areas that need improving. If our marriages were easy they would not do that. I also don't think they should be abusive either but I do believe we have to work at them by also working on ourselves.

My mother has BPD and my father was her enabler, so I know I don't have a concept or example of a non BPD marriage. Considering that, I am grateful that mine isn't nearly to the degree of severity the issues in their marriage were.

I get glimpses of it. Although we both agreed on traditional roles, he was breadwinner, I was home and children, I had hoped for a partnership and some flexibility. I did work, and wanted to continue working, but didn't earn as much as he did. Our marriage is more about being parallel roles and I had hoped for teamwork. I imagined long heart to heart talks- oh heck no. That doesn't work. I wondered if my own ideas about marriage were just some fantasy I had imagined. Eventually I did accept the limitations in the marriage and appreciate what can work.

I do see glimpses of things that remind me of different ways couples relate. I see couples where the father is holding a newborn baby in a snuggly or pushing a stroller. In my marriage that was my role, a woman's role and he was not going to do that. I see men who can cook and do dishes, and sometimes prepare meals or share the job with their partners. That was not going to happen for us. I used to feel sad for me,  but now, I think it is sad for him. His father showed him that a manly man doesn't do "women's work"  but I think both of them missed out on the closeness to their children. Ironically, I didn't see this coming when we were dating. He really didn't show evidence of this to me then. As a woman with a career, I didn't see my only role in a marriage as doing "women's work" but once the kids came along, it seems we stepped back into another century, and trying to change this resulted in angry rages, so I didn't.

My marriage forced me to do some personal work, look at myself and how I was raised and make many changes. I think in this way it was a crucible. I also think that because of how I was raised, this is probably the outcome of any relationship I could have had. I didn't bring a normal model of marriage to mine, as I didn't have one.

[Cat Familiar]

I don't even know if I've ever had a normal boyfriend--maybe one or two during college years.

My current husband is mild on the BPD spectrum while my first was off-the-charts trouble (hit all the high notes--drug use, violence, financial irresponsibility, infidelity).

Yeah, I haven't a clue about what a normal relationship would look like. However, now that I've learned to negotiate a relationship with a milder pwBPD, it's pretty harmonious most of the time. But I have to be mindful. I cannot say things that he could interpret as criticism, and that eliminates a huge range of topics--even disagreeing with him about politics can be thought of as criticism, though we're 90% in alignment on most things.

[Notwendy]

Interesting Cat, I did look back at my other relationships before I met my H. We met in school so there weren't a lot to look at and also not an adult or serious one, but I was still interested in what attracted me and who I attracted.

The boyfriends I had did not have BPD. One did care for me unconditionally and we were friends. Things didn't get tough for us. We were young, and it was puppy love. As an adult I can see things that would have caused issues between us and I am glad we didn't put each other through that.

Another boyfriend had red flags that I didn't recognize. He had an alcoholic parent. I was co-dependent and this irritated him. He was the first one to address this and I didn't recognize it. Our family of origin patterns would have caused us both issues if the relationship continued.

I may as well as had a big sign on me attracting people to a co-dependent person. I am grateful things worked out as well as they did. This aspect of mine was a set up for issues and I didn't even know it at the time.

Politics? Oh no way. I don't even want to bring them up with most people! Too dangerous territory.

[Lucky Jim]

I imagined happy walks together, a best friend and no doubt a lot more.  The reality was a lot different, constant niggling fights, insults, accusations, despite giving support and love above and beyond in many ways….

\

Hey Ruskin, Now that you know the reality is quite different from what you might have hoped for, what keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Presumably there's a reason why you stay.  If so, what is it?

What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  I know I'm asking some tough questions, but the answers might help clarify your path.

LuckyJim

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi Ruskin:  My daughter's father is my x, and he had extreme symptoms with his BPD, as does my daughter.  I broke up with my daughter's father 19 years ago after 8 years together.  It took me almost 3 full years to be able to date again, because I was so shaken up by what went on with my BPDx... .but I met my now husband, 16 years ago.  We had such a great connection (never fought, saw things so similar, just connected so well) that we got married a little less than a year after dating.  He was 32 and me 35, so we were both ready to settle down and felt that we had met our "soul mate."  Fast forward to now, we've remained married all 16 years and will likely continue to stay married till death do us part... .and neither one of us has a mental illness... .so I am married in the context of what you described... .
I remember the extreme highs and lows of my BPDx, and the highs were better than with a "normal" relationship, but the lows were far worse than what I've experienced in this "normal marriage."  I wanted peace and to feel stable/settled... .because I didn't feel stability and contentment with my BPDx, even though some things about that relationship were so amazing (the connection, when we connected, was incredible for both of us).

All of that said, my current husband (and I believe any other man out there) will come with "stuff" that isn't necessarily going to be diagnosed, but which lends all of us to be a little "touched" with this or that.  Noone is perfect, we all have baggage, and we all act and react in ways that aren't most desirable... .some often and some very often... .So, normal is, imo, only on tv. I know many people who've been married for many years, and I know they have "adapted" in ways to accommodate each other and make the relationship work.  I have had to stretch myself to accept my husband for who he is and not try to change him to be who I'd prefer him to be (or represent himself as being).  I also forgive him a lot... .(he doesn't ask for my forgiveness or feel as though he needs it... .as a matter of fact, nomatter how many times we've talked about what he does and doesn't do that offends me, he fails to realize he has offended me in some ways, every time). So, I choose to forgive him for not being sensitive enough to realize that he should offer an apology when he has wronged me... .after 16 years of marriage, the first 13 or so, I demanded an apology which he rarely offered (even though I absolutely felt he owed me one!)... .and if I didn't demand it, he would have never even though to offer it.  So... .my husband doesn't apologize when he's wrong... .ever... .and even if he knows he's offended me... .(usually when this happens, he has his ass on his shoulders and he is more stubborn than a mule, quite frankly!).  So... .I forgive him, because this is a character flaw in him that even if I wanted to, I couldn't fix.  That said, I can live with it, and do, because for me, this whole thing is a trade off... .we all come with good and bad... .but overall, we "do life together" pretty darn good... .We see a lot of things the same way (ie: politics and religion)... .we are both faithful in our relationship... .he tries to help me when he sees I need help with this or that... .so, he makes doing life on a daily basis better... .and I appreciate that... .and would rather do it with him than without, so I find ways to make it work, and hush that "bad attitude voice in the back of my head" when it gets ramped up and threatens to make me behave in a way that is counter productive to our relationship working.

After reading my post, what things came to mind in what I said versus what you are experiencing?   
 

[Ruskin]

Dear Friends
thank you ever so much for your kind replies, I am ever so sorry i have been unable to reply till now, my work took me away for a entire day and cold turkey on the internet for 24hrs,

I will now be able to read and learn and reply back properly later today 

I am so grateful for the kind, kind action  that you have shown in sharing personal life experiences and advice, thank you

[Ruskin]

Do you have any relatively normal periods that you think might be stretched out?

Dear Charlotte,
Thank you for sharing, sorry to hear of the continued struggles also. 

Yes there has been relatively normal periods, which have been bearable.  I'm a bit confused by it all to be honest.  the past three months have been progressively worse, but i can clearly see the mounting stress factors on my wife all of which have happened in a short time , restarting study, being told that she is due an operation in hospital, coming of her medication as she wants a child with me... .

[Ruskin]

Hello Ruskin !

I’ve been married to udxw#2 for about eight yrs now, … and in a r/s with her for eleven yrs.

I was married before, got started young, I was eighteen, she [exw#1] was barely seventeen.

First wife was an abuse victim from her childhood home, the worst kind imaginable; long story, we were together for almost twenty-two yrs; had three kids together, and the oldest was/is autistic.

So after the divorce; in honest retrospect; I really had no business dating again, but I did, had one (1) gf in between (nine+ months r/s), … then met s2b wife #2, dated for about four years …. then married her.

I had grandiose ideas about getting it right finally, but it was not to be, … as I had learnt nothing in the first marriage, I thought I did, in regards to emotional damage/trauma, and how it effects people in adult life, but turns out I was way behind the eight-ball on this … although I did learn a thing or two in regards to subject from the gf no.1 in the “intermission phase” ….

Now looking back, and understanding that I had spent over half my life (eighteen yrs old to age forty) married … that I had a lot of issues myself … what do they call it; the “inner child” running the show, trying to “get it right” … over and over again, but not having the emotional tools to “get it right”, and thusly falling into the same trap over and over …

It was, and is “good” here and there, this current marriage, but when its bad, it’s really bad …. certainly nothing like I envisioned or hoped for ….

My current udxw was also married previously for over twenty years, practically over half her life, she also starting early at age six-teen …. Lordy! … should have known eh!

So the answer is a resounding no for me …. I have absolutely no idea what a “normal marriage” is … I think I see them out here on the streets of my town, in our Church, in my work environment … but as it was said above, are there really any “normal marriages” …. Hmmm,

Kind Regards, Red5

Hi Red 5, thank you for sharing with me.  reading your message  helps me gain a little perspective on relationships and the challenges many of us face.  Your message is greatly appreciated, i hope life is treating you better now.

Hmm i'm such a numb skull with abbreviations but i think i got my head round most of them, I'm on learning curve... .

I was thinking of something my late father did for my mother, he bought a little ornament that said on it "if i could choose again, i'd still choose you". sweet hehe, i guess though they had their own problems just i did not see them... .

[Ruskin]

I don't think we ever know what a marriage is like behind closed doors from looking at it. I know many couples who are divorced, and I doubt all of them are because of BPD.

Hi Notwendy, thank you for writing and sharing your perspective.  sorry to hear of the sacrifices you had to make but BIG respect for your ability to manage your situation and continue your self development.

I guess i entered the relationship with the wish to give 100% for the relationship, i never wish to restrict my wife and we have shared the traditional domestic responsibilities where possible.
Sadly the relationship has just felt like a big childish fight for one reason or another and I guess i'm learning i have fed the dysfunctional part of it to a degree, mainly by trying to defend myself... .

[Ruskin]

I don't even know if I've ever had a normal boyfriend--maybe one or two during college years.

My current husband is mild on the BPD spectrum while my first was off-the-charts trouble (hit all the high notes--drug use, violence, financial irresponsibility, infidelity).

Yeah, I haven't a clue about what a normal relationship would look like. However, now that I've learned to negotiate a relationship with a milder pwBPD, it's pretty harmonious most of the time. But I have to be mindful. I cannot say things that he could interpret as criticism, and that eliminates a huge range of topics--even disagreeing with him about politics can be thought of as criticism, though we're 90% in alignment on most things.

Hi Cat Familiar, thank you for your message and nice to read of your success in the current relationship, a harmonious relationship must be a goal!  maybe i might find that one day, somewhere... .  i feel that my current one is doomed, i cannot describe the undiagnosed symptoms as mild and mental health seems like my wife's biggest fear, and sadly rages and denials...  

[Ruskin]

\

Hey Ruskin, Now that you know the reality is quite different from what you might have hoped for, what keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Presumably there's a reason why you stay.  If so, what is it?

What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  I know I'm asking some tough questions, but the answers might help clarify your path.

LuckyJim

Oh LuckyJim, you have asked maybe the one question i wish find an answer for and struggle to, thank you for asking!

Why have I stayed?  Firstly because I am married, Secondly and much more importantly to me, I feel have a responsibility to her, for her.  I have not wished to let her down,

Thirdly we got up to our eyes in debt(maybe $50K), mainly through supporting her own business ambitions,  neither of us could split because of this (or it felt that way).  Sadly my father passed away and I was left a small inheritance and I paid off all her business debt.  Finance is no longer a reason to hold me.  Fourth(and a less significant reason) I did not want to break our home for our pets (they are like our children) I hate to think of them going to a shelter as I doubt wither of us could take them into rental accommodation.  5th, I and this is a big one, I am scared of the fight that will happen when I say I am leaving, I am really scared of this and also the work that will come after with a divorce and preparing our home for sale….

What are my gut feelings and what would I like to happen?  My gut feelings are that if I stay this relationship is going to end in complete disaster.  What would I like to happen?  I would like her to go to the doctor, eventually get diagnosed and treated, whether it’s BPD or just severe traits of BPD. And that I am no longer the outlook for blame, abuse, that she recognises what she does and she is able to control it and we have a happy relationship…….  Sadly however I don’t see that happening any time soon, tbh I see it happening never, to me my wife seems to have severe BPD but she is undiagnosed……….

Family and friends ask me why I do not leave and I say, “ you would not leave a physically disable person because they cannot walk” “ You would not leave a cancer sufferer as they had cancer...

LuckyJim your questions are very tough and to the point but it kind of looks like I have already given them quite a lot of thought.  Just this week I was thinking of trying to see a therapist myself to ask why do I not leave?

Thank you for your kind questions

[Ruskin]

After reading my post, what things came to mind in what I said versus what you are experiencing?   
 

Hi Love on the rocks

Thank you for your kind reply and view on relationships and sharing your experiences.

In answer to your question, after reading you experiences, yes mine are completely different to what you have now in your marital relationship, I understand of course from what you said you have experienced it from a previous partner and currently with your daughter.

I am happy to read of your current relationship and definitely that is the kind of relationship I would wish to be in.  I believe I am under no delusions as to what a “typical” relationship should be like and the way you described fitted in with that.  Give and take was always what I expected, two individuals understandably have their differences and come with their own issues or baggage.  I think I can identify a good number of mine so I am able to reflect.  I understand that if I was ever to meet another person, they would have their own issues.  We are a product of the x number of years of our existence, our genetics and environment mould us into what we are.  If I ever have a new relationship, I will understandably be a different person to the one I was when I married my undiagnosed wife.  I will have new weaknesses and new strengths and I must expect the other to have been moulded / developed by a similar process. 

My current situations sucks to be honest, I wish I had known of these issues before I was married, I almost feel conned to be honest but to be fair my wife had no knowledge of her condition, albeit she had been a kid with very serious issues as a young adult following sexual abuse as a mere infant.

Tough tough……….

[Cat Familiar]

OK, so you're experiencing constant fights, insults, accusations with periods of relative normality. Lately things have gotten worse, which you attribute to your wife returning to school, needing an operation, getting off her meds because she wants to get pregnant.

You entered the relationship, wanting to give 100% and have a best friend, but it hasn't turned out as you had hoped and you feel like your marriage is doomed as her mental health issues are quite extreme.

What has kept you in the marriage is a sense of responsibility for her. Though you paid off the debt she accrued through your inheritance from your father, you are concerned about what would happen if you left, the preparation of your house for sale would be daunting, and you wouldn't want your beloved pets to end up in a shelter.

You'd love for her to be diagnosed and treated, but you think this is very unlikely and ultimately, if you stay, the relationship will end up disastrously. You have great sympathy for your wife due to the environmental factors she experienced as a child, but you are not sure this could ever be a fulfilling relationship for you.

This is an interesting read about how our own fear/obligation/guilt keeps us in dysfunctional relationships and how we can change our responses.   https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I, too, stayed in my first marriage because I didn't want to lose our pets, so I completely understand. Perhaps there are alternatives to a shelter--some rentals are "pet friendly" so that might be something to research in the meantime.

My feeling is that as fraught as your relationship currently sounds, it would add way more complexity to your life should you have children. As a child of a BPD mother, I'm biased, but it's very difficult as a child to have an emotionally unstable parent.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ruskin, I appreciate your honesty.  I was once in your shoes, my friend, and the reality of my marriage was far from what I had hoped.  Sometimes it was frightening, like something out of a Stephen King story.  Yet I stayed, too, mostly out of loyalty to two wonderful kids.

I can't tell you what to do.  I think seeing a T for yourself is an excellent idea.  I asked about your gut feelings because I ignored my gut, at great personal expense.

To paraphrase Dante, in the middle of my life I was lost in a dark wood, with no clear path out.  It's about finding your path again, I suggest.

LJ

[Red5]

Good Morning Ruskin!

What are my gut feelings and what would I like to happen?  My gut feelings are that if I stay this relationship is going to end in complete disaster.

In my own personal experience… over three decades of marriage, to two different women, both disordered… is to trust your gut!

And to quote Forrest Gump… “that’s all I have to say about that” !

What would I like to happen?  I would like her to go to the doctor, eventually get diagnosed and treated, whether it’s BPD or just severe traits of BPD… and that I am no longer the outlook for blame, abuse, that she recognizes what she does and she is able to control it and we have a happy relationship…… 

That’s a long shot my friend imho… it is possible, anything is… but still a long shot, as I understand things now, the best treatment of BPD is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)… which is as I understand… the learnt ability of the pw/BPD to “learn” how to appropriately react to their own feelings, situations (triggers)… to be able to process better, and end the inner conflict?… -others help me here-… basically, DBT is a treatment via a good psychiatrist or else a psychologist  / therapist in which the person with borderline personality disorder (pw/BPD) learns to not let their “feelings take over”… thus ending the rages, the bad behaviors, the endless paranoia… etc etc… as BPD exists on a spectrum like autism, or asperger’s… or any other psychological disorder et' all… it depends on the person, yes, a long shot, first the pw/BPD has to understand that they have a problem, and then they have to seek (find) the right treatment, ie’ the right therapist, psychiatrist or else a psychologist … which is not an easy thing to accomplish in itself, especially for a person who is in constant emotional (relationship/personal) crisis.

Further, I understand that it (DBT) is intensive, not easy... .spending time with the P or T several times a week, at first, lasting maybe years... .there is "no cure" as we understand "cure"... .like an alcoholic, or any other emotional / physical issue... .(light wording)... .the pw/BPD learns tools to cope, and must be ever vigilant... .there is always the possibility of relapse... .tough stuff,

Sadly however I don’t see that happening any time soon, tbh I see it happening never, to me my wife seems to have severe BPD but she is undiagnosed………

Likewise for me… I don’t think my undiagnosed borderline wife (u/BPDw) will ever, or would ever take that step… not from my experience with her (eleven years)… she would, and has sought out a therapist to deal with the stresses of her medical (C) diagnoses however, so maybe... just maybe, the ”right one” could lead her to it… again, a long shot… as I believe my u/BPDw is on the right side of the spectrum… ie’ won’t ever admit to herself what is going on… I do not think my own u/BPDw will ever go that route... .so if I stay (eleven years), its going to be me that has to develop and use tools / tactics to be able to remain in the marriage relationship... .which I have bene striving to do for almost to years now... ."steady as she goes"... .

Family and friends ask me why I do not leave and I say, “ you would not leave a physically disable person because they cannot walk” “ You would not leave a cancer sufferer as they had cancer”.

You my friend are like me… you are a “caretaker”…

Just this week I was thinking of trying to see a therapist myself to ask why do I not leave?

I did this, I read on another site, something to the effect… “it is prudent to the Non to seek therapy on their own, to secure a sanity check, to get a third opinion, unbiased… as to what the Non is experiencing in the relationship… to gain clarification, and once this is accomplished, then the Non can better understand what he or she needs to do, in order to better cope with, and survive within the BPD relationship… or else to understand what the appropriate reaction/course of action needs to be once this understanding comes… either to "leave, or to stay.”

So I went to see a therapist (‘T’)… told him my story… and after the hours was up, he told me, "from what you are describing to me, I think your wife is suffering from borderline personality disorder, and maybe a few other things"… "we need to learn more" he told me, "but you are not crazy, or off base here, what you are experiencing is real"… 

So I encourage you to seek out a good ‘T’ Ruskin, or a psychiatrist or else a psychologist (‘P’)… and tell them your story, and see what they think.

Kind Regards, Red5

[braveSun]

Ruskin, I also do understand how you might feel. I am in a similar situation and I am also having my own questions regarding what I am bringing of my own into my marriage these days. It's not a walk in the park.

For me, no, I don't have much to say about the normal marriage except that I refer to it frequently when I want to express that something is not up to par.

But beyond that reference, I don't really know.

I too see this as like being on a journey, and as to be set out with the task to find my own path and in this situation, my own balance back.

Just for the records my apartment building is a rental building and accepts pets. Some of them are well managed too, with integrated pest control and services to make life more enjoyable with your pets. I know it's possible to find good accommodations for you and your pets without owning your home.

Another way I see myself in your post is to see that one of the affects of being in a marriage with a person with active traits, BPD or NPD or others, we can tend to see things a little more in black and white, and to possibly reject the exploration of potentially good options, just because our perception over time seems to become trained to model what we are exposed to.  I suppose being in a prolonged 'combat zone' mindset can have this effect as well, even though I have not fought any physical wars personally.  

I can see the tendency to overcompensate for my needs for stability and safety when it is time to find a solution to a regular life problem. I can reject a bunch of potentially good solutions sometimes. If you do have access to a T for yourself it can be a good way to untangle this, even regardless if your wife attends T for herself or not.

I know well about the FOG effect (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) in me by now, and it helps to have someone see me through that at times.

Posting here is a good place to sort out things too. Most of us have been through similar situations like yours. There is always more to learn from a bunch of people rather than a single isolated situation.

 

[Ruskin]

My feeling is that as fraught as your relationship currently sounds, it would add way more complexity to your life should you have children. As a child of a BPD mother, I'm biased, but it's very difficult as a child to have an emotionally unstable parent.

Thank you for your info Cat , very kind, gives me some hope ref my rental, trouble is all i will be able to afford will be 1 room in a shared house! i'll need pay all the bills and mortgage for my current home too... .  otherwise my creditscore will be destroyed as my wife doesn't earn too much

thank you for the article too, i have read it.  Im beginning now to understand the concept of FOG, new to me, but common place with many on this board
thank you

[Ruskin]

To paraphrase Dante, in the middle of my life I was lost in a dark wood, with no clear path out.  It's about finding your path again, I suggest.

LJ

Thank you LJ

I'm feeling more confident than i have ever been in making a move, i think it will happen.  i will mentally prepare for the forthcoming storm... .

[Ruskin]

Good Morning Ruskin!
 



So I encourage you to seek out a good ‘T’ Ruskin, or a psychiatrist or else a psychologist (‘P’) … and tell them your story, and see what they think.

Kind Regards, Red5

Thank you Red5 for sharing your thoughts experience and advice further.  I wish you well too in your relationship and also self development that you have been working on. 

Your thoughts and that of other have helped guide my thoughts over the past few days, and i am becoming clearer on what i need to do.  I just hope that all will proceed without too much drama.

I wish a new start away from what i have experienced these last 9 years.  Ive realised i am unlikely to change anything, so if thats the case, i know what i must do

thank you

[Ruskin]

Ruskin, I also do understand how you might feel. I am in a similar situation and I am also having my own questions regarding what I am bringing of my own into my marriage these days. It's not a walk in the park.



Posting here is a good place to sort out things too. Most of us have been through similar situations like yours. There is always more to learn from a bunch of people rather than a single isolated situation.

 

Thank you Kindly Bravesun

Reading your post did further add to my understanding and no doubt will play a part in managing the smaller disagreements that i may need negotiate in the short term

I have learned more in a couple of weeks about human behaviour, including my own, than i did in the past 40 years... .amazing

thanks