It is becoming challenging

[Manifest32f]

Hi, thank you for the welcome

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Manifest

Welcome to bpdfamily   I'm sorry to hear it's become challenging. In what way, can you share what's been happening recently. Is your child living with you?

Look forward to hearing more from you, parents are here to support you.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi Manifest,

I would like to join wendydarling in welcoming you here, I know how daunting it can be to make a first post, so thank you for doing just that  

You say that it is becoming challenging, I’m so sorry to hear that, are you able to tell us some more about your situation? It is very safe to post here and there are caring and supportive members who will be able to relate and understand what you are going through. I hope we hear more from you x  

[Manifest32f]

Hi: I am sorry I took so long to respond. I am still struggling to decipher how to use this site so the delay. My daughter is 41, single, fairly successful in that she has been working for ~15-20 years, making very decent salary, etc. Although she has some characteristics of BPD, she manages herself extremely well except when she is dealing with just her parents. She is a darling child to strangers who see her, etc. We have not discussed any of the challenges we face with her with anyone so no one has any idea except 2 or 3 people who have witnessed that she sometimes gets upset easily. She has been living with us and recently my husband and I retired and due to financial conditions & our own feelings that she needed to start living on her own, we plan on moving away across the globe. We started discussing it for over a year to prepare her to accept the idea & slowly start owning it. We also attended therapy together so that our relationship would improve. However she felt that I was manipulating the therapist and refused to continue therapy. I contact the therapist on an as needed basis since I cannot afford it on a regular basis and the therapist is very understanding. My daughter has not pulled her weight around the house except when we have guests over or something & now we can see she is very nervous about staying on her own, managing her budget, home, chores, etc. that she is getting frustrated and upset with little to no provocation or reason. During these times, it is very difficult not to respond and I would appreciate any suggestions from you.
Thanks very much

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you found your way back to us.  Here is a link to a thread that will help you navigate the site: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319252.0  I hope it helps!

It is not uncommon for pwBPD (people with BPD) to act one way in front of strangers or people they know less intimately.  The behaviors of BPD tend to come out more around family members and close friends, usually because of the emotions involved.

Has your daughter ever lived on her own or been responsible for budgeting and home care and what not?   If not do you think she would be willing to find some help with that? 

When are you and your husband planning to move? 

[KHC_33]

Manifest,
I understand how you are feeling. There is a lot going on in your family right now. I have a few questions. Does the therapist understand about BPD? Some therapist/psychologist aren't really informed about the "attachment disorder and all the characteristic/patterns and behaviors that come along with it.

I have a few books I just got I think one of them would be amazing for you. It is called When your Daughter has BPD. It is written by Daniel L Lobel PHD.  He talks in depth on how when you are encouraging independence it is actually met with anger and resistance because BPD perceives it as a threat/abandonment. Natural/positive parenting does not work in these cases. I am learning too that I have allowed and enabled my own daughter to be codependent on me. As long as I cater to her whims, or delay, without proper steps for self reliance/independence she will continue to depend not to so that there is no risk of foreseen rejection or being left.

I would highly recommend this book. I am almost half way through and I have enjoyed it so far. I will have to read it again. It is definitely worth the read. The other book that I am reading that actually helps to understand exactly what entails with BPD is called Borderline Demystified by Robert O Friedel MD. I have read a few chapters and it is helping incredibly to understand. He goes into detail about emotional regulation issues, frustration intolerance, so many other things.

Hang in there. It is tough and I really think the reading material will help you.

[Manifest32f]

Thanks for sharing about the books. I will look for them asap. Maybe I can barrow them if available in the library. Are they very expensive? Thanks again

[KHC_33]

I am in Canada. They were $22 and $15 on Amazon.ca - if you are in US it's different pricing. Yes you will want to purchase them and keep as reference. No problem! Happy to help!

I bought my daughter a book - maybe your daughter is receptive to reading? Maybe not. I bought a poetry book for her too. It was like $10 CAD on Amazon called the The Other Side of Me (Borderline Personality Disorder). My daughter loves poetry! It was a huge hit with her.

[Manifest32f]

Thanks for the tips. I will look for the poetry book- she loves poetry and she loves to write but doesn’t do it and blames me for not encouraging her on a daily basis. She wanted to be a writer, among other things (opera singer - has beautiful voice), but she doesn’t do anything consistently and blames me for not encouraging her and spending loads of money so she doesn’t have to work but just keep learning and leaving things halfway as she pleases. She is a professional but says she hates her job and wants to be free to do whatever she wants. She has said that she wishes we were rich so she doesn’t have to worry or care. Reality is different. She loves everything expensive and all the time so she has not saved up as she could have so she could have taken off a year or two. Expects her retired parents who are depending on small income to support her and her dreams financially. That has been a topic of fight many times.

[wendydarling]

Hi Manifest37f

Glad you found your way back to us.

My daughter has not pulled her weight around the house except when we have guests over or something & now we can see she is very nervous about staying on her own, managing her budget, home, chores, etc. that she is getting frustrated and upset with little to no provocation or reason. During these times, it is very difficult not to respond and I would appreciate any suggestions from you.  

When she gets upset you say it's difficult not to respond, sometimes people just want to be listened to and responding can escalate the situation especially if we justify, argue, defend, explain. Here is one of our lessons have a look and let us know if you think that may help, try it out.   2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, explain, defend

My daughter is 30 and I'm also working towards her living independently. Does your daughter have good friendships? It's good to hear your daughter has a history of successful working despite her saying she hates her current job, how long has she been there?

WDx