BPD mom died and I started having a bad anxiety disorder right after she passed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone else had this? I am at the end of my rope and I dont know what to do. What happens is that I can no longer swallow my food without taking some water with every single bite. She also used to eat with water, so my guess is I kinda took that from her and its how I subconsciously keep her alive. 

[lulubell2017]

Has anyone else had this? I am at the end of my rope and I dont know what to do. What happens is that I can no longer swallow my food without taking some water with every single bite. She also used to eat with water, so my guess is I kinda took that from her and its how I subconsciously keep her alive. 

[HappyChappy]

I am so sorry for your loss, and your anxiety. This could be a number of things. Grief is tough and there are therapist that specialise in that. But also most of us brought up by a BPD mother get triggered. Both these aforementioned things could cause anxiety. Would it be worth visiting your family Dr, just to check it is anxiety ? They have medication that helps with that. Drinking lots of water is a good thing, but anxiety can lead to repetitive behavior, as a form of self soothing. Reduce the stress, anxiety and the behavior may well clear up on its own. I've had it.

The biggest fear a BPD has, is being abandoned. This can rub off on we children of BPD, could that be it ? Regardless of what it is, relaxation normally brings anxiety down. What sorts of things do you do to relax ? Practicing mindfulness might help, i.e. focusing on hobby rather than this. lulubell, remind yourself every morning, that you can get through this, you've got this far and this forum to help, plus the rest. Wishing you peace.  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi lulubell2017, 

Welcome! First I am so glad that you've joined us, and second, thank you for sharing about your struggle. I can only imagine how anxious you must feel from what you shared. Can you tell me how long it's been since your mom passed away? Was it recent?

It's quite normal to have anxiety and grief, especially after a death of someone close to you. When my uBPDm passed away a few years ago, I also had a difficult time for a while. It helped me to know this is part of the grieving stage.

Looking forward to hearing more from you, and getting an update as to how you are doing.

 
Wools

[lulubell2017]

It's been 8 months since she passed.I started having difficulty swallowing starting a few days before she died, but it got really bad a couple days after.  I was unable to cry while she was in the hospital and after her death. I cried at first when I found that she was sick, but after she died I was just dry.

My ex boyfriend, whom I was still dating at the time, and who is a psychiatrist, was so angry with me for taking care of her. He said shes a psychopath who doesnt deserve my efforts and he could not understand why I felt the need to be there for her. He constantly invalidated my pain, and I guess in the end I stopped being aware of it. Maybe this is why this is happening to me now.

I also work in the mental health, I got into therapy myself and I am trying to process the grief, but something just feels stuck.

[Harri]

Hi lulubelle.  I see you've met HappyC and Wools already.  Let me join them in saying welcome to the board.

I am sorry to hear of your moms passing and to hear that your boyfriend was unable to understand the complexity of your relationship with your mother.  any mother daughter relationship is complicated but when there is mental illness involved it becomes even more complicated with so many layers to sort through.  I am sorry he invalidated you during that painful time.

Grief is just as complicated.  My mother died back in 2007 and recently I am back in grief trying to process yet another layer.  It is not easy and it takes time obviously.  When you talk about having trouble swallowing all I can think of is the lump of pain and grief that I get in the back of my throat ... .it almost burns in the way it aches.  I don't know if that is the same as you have but it is what came to mind. 

I am glad you reached out here and are in therapy at the same time.  Doing both together, therapy and working things out here on the board, can lead to a lot of powerful insights and healing. 

Would you like to share more of your story with us?

[once removed]

this might sound trite, so bear with me... .

have you tried breathing exercises?

anxiety and tension can have powerful effects on the body, and render parts of it ineffective or dysfunctional. ive been living with muscle weakness and even outright failure for many years. that includes the muscles in my throat and trouble speaking or swallowing.

people pushed me to try breathing exercises for years and i never would. i started some weeks ago, and i have most of the use of my throat back, getting better every time i use them.

worth a try?

[lulubell2017]

Thank you for your kind replyes.

Harri, to me it feels like i am just very scared to swallow. Its like I feel like I'm sure I will choke if I do. Adding water allows me to swallow normally tho. I have already eliminated medical causes. If for whatever reason my swallowing reflex is provoked and I swallow without water, I dont choke at all and it works as it should. Yet I am so afraid. What really drives me nuts is, I am quite a rational person. And being afraid of every bite makes no sense.

once removed: thank you for your suggestion, my therapyst actually gave me a few but i havent tried yet. Guess I will.

I suppose the fact that so much happened in such little time, isnt helping either. First I lost my grandma who raised me till I was 12. Then mom dies exactly one year later. Then the breakup. I actually have a good life now, but I guess all that happened was too much and I'm still suffering the consequences.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again lulubell2017,

Thank you for answering my questions. I can tell that you are scared and uncomfortable when you eat. I think I would be too! Sometimes the fear can be so great that it makes it worse each and every time.

Tell me something about your fear. You shared that you are afraid you will choke. Were there any instances when you were little when this happened as well? Let me give you an example from my own life.

When I was a little girl, I was sick a lot. Antibiotics had just started to come out in pill form. I struggled to swallow the pills, and my mom kept telling me that "I was just like her and couldn't swallow pills." It may seems strange, but all through my growing up years, she would say this over and over again, even until she died. For a long time I beleived it and struggled to swallow medication, that is until I swallowed a huge ice cube by accident! Suddenly I realized that if I could swallow an ice cube, I knew I could swallow pills. Now I can take 4 vitamins at a time and it's no problem. However, if I am anxious, sometimes that exact same thought process that I believed for so long comes to my mind when I have a couple of pills in my mouth, and I struggle to get them down. I have to go through my own mental exercises to remind myself that I can swallow them, and that I won't choke. I have to mentally relax and reframe the messages I learned to be the correct messages of the present.

You are not your mom. You are you, capable and strong and working on overcoming grief. It takes time and there is no hurry to work through the grief you feel. Feel what you feel and be kind to yourself. It is okay where you are.

 
Wools

[lulubell2017]

Hello Woolspinner,

My mother had the same thing with swallowing pills, but she never said anything about me being like her. I was able to take just about any size of pills right until her death. I was usually a bit anxious about very big ones, but not so much as to stop me from doing it. Now I can barely swallow very small pills. Sometimes I don't feel up for it, and I chew them instead. Even pills as small as a mustard grain.

The day before she died, I choked on a peanut. I could feel my airways close and I was just so scared. I could feel every move I made consumed my oxygen and I almost fell on the floor. I was able to cough the piece of peanut out, and I was fine after that. I though I had been struggling for air for minutes, but the person who was with me told me that it was under 30 seconds till I coughed the peanut out and regained my breath. Choking or suffocating has always been one of my worst nightmares, so I think it might be related. It was a very unhappy coincidence, that I choked right the day before my mother died. I can't even be sure what scares me more, I guess

[lulubell2017]

When I was little, there were a few instances when I thought I would choke on mucus when I had bad colds with a wet cough. I was able to take pills, as I said, but mom was always looking at me as if I was endangering my life when I was taking a pill. Maybe that image of her being scared stayed with me and in the end convinced me that it is dangerous ... .

[Panda39]

Hi lulubell2017,

I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the BPD Family

I'm wondering if you are being treated for the anxiety your?  Did you experience the same level of anxiety before your mom died? 

Panda39

[lulubell2017]

Hello Panda,

I just got treatment. Therapy didn't do much for this, but then again I have chosen a rather inexperienced therapist. For now I will be taking medication, and meanwhile I hope to find a good experienced T that can help me understand why this happened and what my anxiety is trying to tell me.

While I've been having panic attacks ever since I was 20, I have never experienced this level of anxiety before her death. This is way off the charts. It's so bad that I can't enjoy life anymore.

[Panda39]

I'm glad to hear that you are going to try medication.  My significant other's (SO's) D17 was diagnosed with PTSD (her mom is undiagnosed BPD) and she has found her anti-anxiety medication helpful.

Hopefully getting the anxiety down will help with the swallowing symptoms.  I encourage you to do the breathing exercises suggested to you and anything else that helps you with your anxiety... .meditation, a walk around the block, doing something with your hands that you enjoy ie: crafts, gardening, cooking etc.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[once removed]

I have never experienced this level of anxiety before her death. This is way off the charts. It's so bad that I can't enjoy life anymore.

you and your body must be going through a great deal  . is the medication in pill form?

[lulubell2017]

I was given alprazolam for anxiety attacks, to take when needed, and as for daily treatment two forms of SSRI to take one in the morning and one in the evening for the swallowing problem. I think I might have a form of PTSD from the time I spent in the hospital with my mom. What the doctor wrote as diagnosis was simply panic disorder.

I will also do the breathing exercises and more therapy as soon as I find a good therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.

So far I needed to take the alprazolam pill one time, and it was pretty good for it too. No side effects except for increased salivation. I will begin the rest of the treatment shortly too, I'm just waiting for a couple of events to pass, when I will be drinking alcohol. I don't think I can mix the SSRI's with alcohol

[once removed]

the breathing exercises can be super powerful, like real "exercise".

we all have a resting level of anxiety, lower or higher. in times of great stress, of course, it will tend to be higher, but sometimes it can become semi permanent, and hard to shake, to the point that relaxing becomes impossible. over time (even immediately), the breathing exercises can actually lower your resting levels permanently.

i think youll get a lot out of them, but i sure hope things get better for you soon. it sounds awful to have to deal with.

[lulubell2017]

Thank you, once removed, it is quite terrible. It takes away the joy of life eventually and I imagine it would lead me straight into depression. I'm starting to feel scared almost all the time, planning my day according to my fears. I used to think of me as being quite strong, and being able to handle a lot of bad stuff, but now I feel vulnerable and I feel like I'm cracking, and its scary

[Panda39]

No side effects except for increased salivation. I will begin the rest of the treatment shortly too, I'm just waiting for a couple of events to pass, when I will be drinking alcohol. I don't think I can mix the SSRI's with alcohol

The increased salivation just gave me an image of a drooling lulubell and a bit of a chuckle.  I'm on something that gives me a dry mouth so imagine me spitting sand   

I'm going to throw something out here that helped me and might help you too, and that is that you try and push through a small fear of some kind everyday.  For me pushing through fears helped to build confidence and that confidence was an antidote for my anxiety. 

Just as an example, I have anxiety in social settings but it's much less these days.  I started by going to lunch at a familiar place with a good friend, graduated to lunch at a new place with a couple of people, to dinner with a large group, and finally a party where I knew one other person.  It was uncomfortable but I did it (and lived to tell the tale  ). Maybe give something like this a try... .start small and gently push out of your comfort level.

Take Care,
Panda39

[lulubell2017]

Panda, haha, that was a funny image )

This is a very good suggestion, it helps to desensitize in a small relaxed manner without the risk of retraumatizing.
The thing is my only big fear is related to swallowing. I am trying every day with almost each meal to swallow as much as I can without water, but I cant manage to force myself if I don't feel like I can do it. Because the fear is too great. I do try to take my bites as small as I can, and chew for a longer time than normal, in the hopes of being able to get it down without the use of any liquid. Sometimes it works, some days it works. Today I managed to eat quite a few olives as if things were normal again. Sometimes I manage to get my breakfast down with ease. I congratulate myself for every success, and if theres anyone around me who knows about it, I tell them: look, I ate without water!

[Harri]

Hi.  If you can't swallow without water, you can't swallow without water.  I imagine it is frustrating and I do not mean to sound invalidating at all.  sometimes we focus too much on the fear and rather than harness it we inadvertently feed it.  That is what I did when my panic attacks got really bad... .I got upset with myself for having them and had this whole tape that ran through my head where I berated myself.  Is that happening with you?

[Panda39]

And to Piggy back a little bit on what Harri said... .I agree trying to not focus on it so much is a good idea.  But if you find yourself focusing on it, focus on the positive stuff, like the olives!   Focus on what you are doing vs what your not doing.

Panda39

[lulubell2017]

Harri, Yes, I do get angry at it. Whats most frustrating is when I'm driving (I love driving) and suddenly I feel I can either drive, or swallow my saliva, but not both at the same time. Many a times I had to pull over, but usually I just slow down a lot. But it happens a lot , so it completely ruins my trip and that of those who are in the car with me. I miss driving and being able to just enjoy it. For the food part, I get what you're saying, it's more an inconvenience rather than a problem.

Panda, yes I have started to pay attention to what I do good, indeed, and that works great for my morale.

[lulubell2017]

Harri, what I meant was, yes, I sometimes beat myself up for it, but only when I am very upset.

[Harri]

Okay, at least it is not all the time.  Panda's advice to focus on the positive is excellent and it does sound like you are handling this well.  When you get upset, try to focus on breathing and tell yourself "I've got this" or something like it.  If at first you can't say that then try not to say negative things to yourself.

Berating yourself and calling yourself names only hurts.   

PS I love to drive too.  Any time anywhere.  Driving and having a car is freedom to me and so important.  I would be upset if something was interfering with my enjoyment of it too.

[lulubell2017]

Harri, yes, its the same with me. Sometimes I would drive so that I could distract myself from my anxiety, and instead, now driving is producing the anxiety. It feels unfair.

I do seem to be getting better, and being able to write about it here and be heard by people who seem not to judge me, it helps too. I feel less alone in the world. Moreover, in my profession I'm all about helping and listening to others. I don't mind it, in fact I like it very much, but sometimes I need to be heard too. I need someone to be able to contain my emotions the same way that I contain the emotions of others. It is of course not the same as face to face contact, but this forum does fulfill a part of that need.

Ever since I took that one pill for a panic attack, I seem to feel better. I've been eating without water more than before, I was able to drive without obsessing about my saliva for a change. I'm happy to see I am improving, and I want more of it.

[Harri]

So glad to hear you are doing better!   

Sometimes I think just talking about an issue helps.  It gets things out in the open and the issues seem less embarrassing, at least for me.
 
 

I'm happy to see I am improving, and I want more of it.

[Panda39]

Yay!   Glad to here the medication is helping 

I say crank up the radio or put on some of your favorite music and sing along... .focus on staying in tune instead of swallowing when you're in the car.

You can do this!

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Lulubell2017,

I was wondering if you have ever had speech therapy help you or do an eval? They can help a lot of people with the swallowing aspect. I am a medical coder and often see patients being helped when food gets stuck or they have a hard time with eating. This would be in addition to all that you are already doing. Just a thought.

Wools