Maybe it's me...

[Ozzie101]

You've got my family dynamic down pretty well. They're not perfect, as I well know, and there's been drama in the past (most stemming from my sister's anorexia during her teen years). But they mean well.

Here's his family history:
He was adopted as a newborn and is an only child. He has told me his parents were very controlling and I've seen for myself that his mother is very passive-aggressive and unbending in a lot of ways. She also has an unhealthy way of treating him at times. For example, when he divorced, she told him how that would make people look at him differently and would cause a lot of problems. True to some extent but not really. Also, when he gained weight in college, she criticized him and told him how unhealthy it was and that no one would want to be with him. Result? He's hyper-sensitive to the fact that he's divorced (convinced my family looks down on him, though they don't -- there are other divorced people in my family and there's never been a problem) and to his weight (almost to an eating disorder level). I'm well-aware of the damage his mother caused. Also, the way he's distrustful and hyper-critical of people is exactly the way she is. His father was also controlling, but less-so. He says his father was a lot like me in a lot of ways -- kind, would go out of his way to help people, etc. He got along with his dad better. His father committed suicide several years ago when he found out he was in the early stages of alzheimer's.

Over the years, he's gone through periods where he wouldn't talk to either one of them and rarely goes to see his mom. I think his mother has some real mental/emotional problems of her own, though I tend to kind of feel sorry for her (she must be very unhappy). I don't defend her to him, though, and I hate the hurt she's caused him.

Some of it is their unfortunate way of parenting and some of it is their personalities just really not mixing well.

Earlier this year, thanks to a new law, he was able to find his biological family. His parents actually married each other, are still married, and had two more children. He's now in very regular contact with his bio parents and sister and we've met them. They're already forming a tight bond and he's said that for the first time he understands why I might actually enjoy spending time with family. It's something he's always hated.

The only fly in the ointment is his brother, who, according to the others, is a control freak and kind of a jerk. He's said he's not ready to meet or have anything to do with us yet and doesn't want to discuss it further. This combined with other stories about him (dislikes sister's boyfriend because of his job and refuses to allow him in his house) makes us not too excited to have anything to do with him. Husband says he doesn't care but his only fear is that it will cause problems and damage the relationship with his parents and sister -- though they've made it clear they're all very excited and committed to the new relationship and think brother/son is being a baby about things.

So, there's been a LOT of stress and drama for him regarding family. I can get that and I try to be sensitive to it. The problem is, he'll rage against my family and accuse them of things and project and I know that what he's saying is unfair to them and untrue. They're more a product of things his mother twisted around in him and of frustrations he's having with other people. For instance, when the trouble with the brother started, he started focusing a lot of his anger at my sisters.

I can't control them and their reactions and while I tell him that I can understand why he feels a certain way (and point things out/confront my family when they do something hurtful or wrong), I can't agree that they're horrible people who need to be shut out of our lives. When he's in a mood, if I don't agree with him on their being hateful people, then I'm accused of putting them first, not loving him and thinking they're perfect.

So, I feel torn. I understand where he's coming from and where he gets these thoughts and feelings. But I can't validate what he says or do what he wants me to do. And any slight misstep by them triggers a crisis.

This all happened last night -- which is usually when his dysregulations happen. This morning, he sounds far more reasonable in his texts, talking about how he knows he needs to get his temper under control and not react so strongly to things. Mentioned anger management again, which I encouraged.

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[Ozzie101]

Another thing he did and which he does a lot: asking very vaguely worded questions and getting annoyed when I don't figure out what he's asking.

He called while I was driving home from work (in rush-hour traffic after a 10-hour day) and asked "Do you think I need to talk to someone about where we're staying this weekend?" I thought he meant talking to his son about the three different places we're staying this weekend. He got really short with me and said "Never mind. Obviously I'll have to talk to you when you get home and can draw pictures." A few minutes later he called back and apologized for being condescending. He explained he was asking whether he needed to tell stepson's mother about staying with the biological family (and a sister who lives with her boyfriend -- though stepson won't know one way or the other if she's married or not). I told him that was his call but I didn't think it mattered. So, all is ok. But later when he was in his mood, he again brought it up and how I just don't pick up on hints or figure things out, despite how smart I'm supposed to be. Well, there were no hints. Just a vague question, totally out of any context. Before this, there was no mention at all of his ex-wife, of staying with family. Yet I was supposed to know exactly what he was asking and the fact that I couldn't is another sign that maybe we're just not cut out for each other.

When he goes on about all this stuff, he almost sounds convincing sometimes and I start to wonder if maybe he's right and I'm just stupid or a bad wife. Yet, when I look back on it the next day, I think that, no, he's being ridiculous. My mind won't stop spinning.

[Enabler]

I’ve been out on a work do and had a few and  on the train home... .the info you have provided is VERY interesting and certainly ticks a lot of boxes. I will reply tomorrow once I’ve slept off the bottle of red... .or 2.

In short, he speaks in incomplete sentences, you hear some of it and try and work out what he’s saying... .you’re never going to be able to, he’s likely spent hours ruminating about this stuff and somehow the muddle between what conversations he’s actually had with you and what he thinks he’s had with you is blurred. It’s not intentional and even though he is offensive in his narrative, it’s kinda not meant to be.

I found a book called toxic parents excellent in understanding how a variety of different parental experiences can play out in adult life. Irrespective of whether it’s applicablr I believe it should be compulasary education material. I whizzed through it in 2 days. Astounding.

Be back tomorrow when I’ve slept on it. Stick with us and hold tight. Big hugs from over the pond xxxxxx

Enabler

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Enabler! Having support and advice from people who understand is more helpful than I can say!

[Radcliff]

When he goes on about all this stuff, he almost sounds convincing sometimes and I start to wonder if maybe he's right and I'm just stupid or a bad wife. Yet, when I look back on it the next day, I think that, no, he's being ridiculous. My mind won't stop spinning.

Your ability to understand what's going on in your life and articulate it is exceptionally good.  But, having been there, I totally understand how the constant messages from our pwBPD can still turn us sideways!

I'm sorry to hear that his father committed suicide.  That must have been a massive hit on his abandonment vulnerability.

You mentioned his willingness to think about anger management.  Has the topic of DBT ever come up?

RC

[Ozzie101]

Unfortunately he's against talk therapy. He's tried it before and said it was useless. Feels therapists are scammers who hook you and keep you going to get more $$.

[Enabler]

Okay, I’m back in the land of the living after a day of meetings... .boo. Happy giving thanks day all you lovely Americans.

So, the family dynamic is very important. It likely impacts him in a number of ways, specifically I don’t know as I’m not him or his T, but generally speaking as follows. From what I have read about PTSD or CPTSD is someone suffers/witnesses an event or series of events which are so terrible or weird that they cannot cognitively process them, they can’t understand why these things happen and therefore this event floats around in their RAM indefinitely rather than being understood, rationalised in some way and stored in ones hard drive memory. So, this thing is always there, perpetually interacting with their daily lives. The term “clear my head” is rather revant here, have you ever been mega stressed, tons of things on your mind and you just can’t think about anything else... .well this ‘thing’ or event stays in someone’s head blocking them from ever clearing their thoughts. Because it’s there it interacts with daily conscious and subconscious decisions, opinions and reactions, even if they are totally unassociated things.

So your husband was adopted. That has to be a very traumatic thing to learn about when he was older or even worse remember when it happened. Questions like; who am I? Why didn’t my parents want me? Why couldn’t my parents sort themselves out enough to keep me? I must be bad. It’s hardly as though he could blame his own parents for being disasters, humans just aren’t programmed to do that. So then he lives with his adoptive parents, his new mum nags his, critiques him... .TELLS HIM HES BAD. My guess is that this started way before college or the divorce and it’s been constant for his entire life. The hand that feeds him and is supposed to love him is also the hand that beats him (maybe not physically but emotionally). He’s placed in a conflicted situation where he is drawn to the very thing that is going to hurt him. It’s nonsense and unprocessable especially as a child. He gets stuck, stuck in a world where everything is black and white and everything is rules based... .you should, you must, always, never, forever. He’s stuck with a childish emotional thought process. “If my parents don’t like me enough to be good parents why should anyone want to be with me?”.

Have you ever heard a kid talk about something awesome they really want but they can’t have or more specifically someone else has. Sometimes a kid will totally paint the thing black as if it was the worst thing ever, they may even follow that up by rubbishing the other kid who has that thing as such a show off, they’re running it in my face. Your family for its failings is something that your husband desperately wants, like super super wants, in fact that’s all he has ever ever wanted. He wanted to be wanted, he wanted to part of something and he’s envious of what you have. He rubbishes it because he can’t have it, even if he could have a close relationship with your family it would never be his family, it would be yours.

Next and this must be very challenging for him. His bio brother... .so he got to stay at home and be with mum and dad, they bothered for him, they didn’t bother to hold their  together  for me but they would for him... .I must be bad, I must be worthless... .and I don’t just mean did a bad thing... .I AM BAD, I AM USELESS ... .his whole being.

So, he hates himself and wants to bring everything down to his level so he feels normal. Trying to get a relationship with his parents is his way of fixing the wound in his soul, getting what he always wanted and mending his soul. He wants to give them an opportunity to be good parents.

It’s complex and I may be way off whack... .BUT, you thought you knew your husband, I thought I knew my wife... .but there’s a whole load of stuff that’s going on inside his head which he doesn’t talk about because he’s loved with it for 10, 20, 30, 40, 50yrs now and frankly he’s not consciously aware of it despite it being a huge part of him. There’s a good quoteI heard recently

“Be kind, because everyone is fighting a hard battle.”

Some people don’t even know they’re fighting that battle anymore... .a battle against themselves.

Enabler

[Ozzie101]

Wow! All that is very astute.

Meeting his bio family, he knows now that he was wanted but his parents were teens and their home lives were bad so they did the best they could. He knows that and says it often but I'm sure it still stings.

And I'd wondered if the thing with my family could have some jealousy pain and yearning in it. Very likely.

The problem is, what do I do? It's not like they can or will go away or I can fix his family or history. I want to help and not hurt.

[Enabler]

Morning Ozzie101,

I read this book a year or so ago and found it one of the most enlightening books I have ever read. Like you I come from a pretty normal family, we have a few quirks but on the hole my parents were good, emotionally stable and listened to me... .I really had no clue about the long term impacts of seemingly insignificant and of course more serious parental traumas. The life long change in the way an individual perceives the world, reacts to situations and receives/gives love was a true eyeopener.

Toxic Parents - Susan Forward

https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Toxic_Parents.html?id=E31QLmBcX14C&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

This is just the google preview and the full book is available on Amazon etc. Only your H can help himself on moving to a state of acceptance regarding his childhood. He has likely spent his entire life dealing with a pervasive feeling of being different, unwanted and unloved... .and that's not going to go away without a serious amount of work. Once he has done this work he can then go about starting to change the behaviours and thought processes that he's developed over his life to protect that hurt... .you experience the defense mechanisms he's developed to defend himself. Moving from a state of permanent defense, accepting that once upon a time when he was a child he was a victim... .but now he is not a victim and doesn't need to be on the defensive is tough work. This book could be for him... .but for now it's for you... .it's for you to gain some insight into his world and gain greater empathy.

Enabler 

[Ozzie101]

Enabler, your comments about "rules" and "black and white" really hit home. He frequently complains about all the rules there were when he was growing up. And he definitely has a tendency to see things as good or bad. He always says "I don't do complicated." By saying that, he doesn't think he means he sees things one way or another, but it does turn out that way, I think.

Part of my problem is, I can see how his parents (mother in particular) did damage to him. Yet, at the same time, I'm no longer sure how much I can trust what he's said about her. I've seen him really misinterpret or misrepresent other people (friends, family, coworkers) and I can't help but wonder if he's done that some with her. I'm sure there's truth in it, it's just that I can't tell how much to believe.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I've given the preview a look and it's very interesting -- makes a lot of sense. At the same time, I don't know that I could ever show the book to him. The thing is, he's convinced my family situation is toxic. He'd see that and immediately say "Ah-ha! There! You fit into the 'godlike parents' section. You're the one who needs this book." He'd turn everything around on me and my family.

When he's in a mood or we're having a discussion, he usually throws in comments about how I think my parents are perfect and can do no wrong. That's not at all true, as I've told him MANY times. I know they have faults and I'll freely admit to them (while still loving, trusting and respecting them). Yet, he keeps going back to it.

Also, while he hasn't mentioned it in a while, he's also decided that my father or grandfather (or perhaps an uncle) molested me as a child and then brainwashed me to repress the memory. I don't even bother to dignify that one with a reply anymore at this point. Denying it gets me nowhere with him. But it's a horrible, sickening thing for him to talk about and so incredibly unfair to the men in my family who aren't/weren't perfect but who would NEVER do anything like that.

We had a good holiday weekend -- one night with his mother and then the rest of the weekend with his bio family. He wasn't as relaxed this time, partly because his son (8 years old) was with us meeting them for the first time. That wasn't a problem, really. He was easy-going about it. But he's kind of hyper and has a tendency to get a little too comfortable and familiar with adults, where he starts talking to them like he would to other kids. It's pretty disrespectful at times and he crosses over from cute and bubbly to obnoxious. I think he's a good kid but is very spoiled and needs some firmer boundaries but H gets frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with it and S's mother has a tendency to give him whatever he wants to prevent meltdowns. Anyway, he was afraid S would give his family a bad impression of his parenting. I assured him it was fine and he was doing a good job of reining him back in.

Anyway, we got home, dropped S off with his mom and I could tell H's mood was dark. He was very irritable and was trying to pick fights. Made constant little passive-aggressive comments ("I thought we'd make better time. We were doing well earlier [when I was driving]." "You're the one who has this whole 'process' at night. So, no, it's fine. Let's just go home and eat leftovers instead of eating out. Even though I suggested we go to Restaurant X." -- followed by my saying "Hey, I think Restaurant X sounds great." "No, never mind. Forget it. We're almost home.") I was able to basically ignore all this and just stay neutral and let him go on. I knew he was probably feeling let down and sad about having to say goodbye so I did my best to just be loving and understanding.

Then he brought up my family again and the pre-Christmas get-together we suggested. One sister and her family can't be there because her girls have an out-of-town gymnastics meet. Said if they got back in time they'd come. In my email, I suggested pizza or bowling. The other sister who has kids said bowling would be a challenge for her kids (one is only 4 and has been diagnosed as high-functioning autistic) but said pizza would be great. That sent H into a real mood. He and S love bowling. So, her turning down bowling brought responses "Oh come on. She can just deal with it." "See? We're not a priority. They're going to try to dictate what we do and run things." Of course, he was misremembering the email, thinking I'd said pizza AND bowling. When he looked back and saw I'd given them an option, he got more annoyed with me, then harped more on his being certain my sisters rule everything.

I can see why he feels that way to some extent. I do tend to be rather passive -- always have been. But then, for many years, I was a lone wolf in the family without kids or a husband to consider and pretty happy to just go with the flow so it's taking some time for me to adapt to being more assertive. He wants us to speak up more and make our preferences known. I'm fine with that. But the way he talks about it isn't "Hey, we're part of this family too and we need to be sure we're speaking up for ourselves." It's more, "Look, they're running the show. They don't like our ideas. Fine. We're just not going to like any of theirs. And when they shoot us down, we'll know where we stand. If they don't like what we want to do, then we'll come up with our own plan and people will have to choose. Them or us."

Basically, I feel like he's wanting to start a war or something. I knew where this was heading when we came up with the Christmas idea but I went ahead because I thought it was important for us (especially my stepson) to have some sort of holiday gathering with my family and the best way to do that was to make a suggestion ourselves.

My family can't do anything right, basically. They can take us up on a suggestion of a get-together but when my sister says bowling is a little over-stimulating for her younger daughter with special needs, she's being a drama queen who's trying to run things. My other sister invites everyone to her lake house for Thanksgiving? Well, she's just being rude and thoughtless, making people drive 1.5 hours and stay in a hotel for that. OK, maybe, but no one had to take her up on it. They can't come to our Christmas celebration because of a gym meet (for which they've already registered)? Well, we're obviously a low priority. We should turn down everything they come up with.

This is all starting to get to me. I live in constant stress and fear because I know no matter what they say or do, he will find fault with it. I love them and want them to be a part of our lives and want to be a part of theirs. But I know they can't win. And they don't know what's going on. So, when they say or do things that are pretty innocuous (in my eyes) or that, yes, are thoughtless but not bad enough to make them hateful people, I cringe knowing it's going to set off a rant. Since I've known them my whole life, I have a decent idea what their thought processes are and where they're coming from. He jumps to worst-case scenario automatically. And I feel like I can't do anything. Defend them and I look like I'm siding against him. Agree with him and I'm trashing and eventually alienating people I love and care for.

I realize that he's most likely lashing out at them for the reasons you suggested. And that's what keeps me from getting really angry. I try to remind myself of how he must feel and to be understanding. I just can't figure out how to handle it in the here and now. I feel like he's trying to estrange me from them and I can't go along with that. I do everything I can. I'm supportive of his building a relationship with his bio family, making them a priority. I don't argue back on most of his comments about my people, even when they're unfair. But it's not enough. Understanding where he's coming from helps but I really don't know what to do. I wish he'd agree to counseling. But for him, he doesn't have time or patience for "answering a lot of questions." And, as I said, he sees therapists as scammers who get people hooked on them and keep them on a string for years all for money.

Last night he was trying to pick a fight, I could tell. I wasn't in the mood and I knew it was coming from a place of pain for him so I just didn't take the bait and the evening ended with us just watching some TV. He started to do things like put his hand on my leg, make silly faces, obviously trying to make things better. But I know the problem isn't over. And I'm counting down the days until Dec. 9 when the family thing will be over. I used to love the Christmas season. This is the second year in a row I've felt borderline hate.

[Enabler]

Ozzie101,

You have 2 lives, one when your H is dysregulating for whatever reason, and the other is when he is not. In the dysregulated period you have a set of behaviours designed specifically to minimise the damage he does during that period, and shorten the period of time with which he is in that zone. During that period it is utterly pointless to attempt to achieve anything productive... .other than getting him out of the zone with minimal damage. In the other life when he is not dysregulating and he is rubbing your leg attempting to be nice one is stuck with the dilemma of repairing and recovering from the damage caused during the dysregulation, ensuring the message that bad behaviour is not tolerated is sent, and actually enjoying each others company.

In his dysregulated periods he says silly stuff that isn't based on anything like facts... .it could in fact be based on his own experience... .either way it's not founded in reality. The natural tenancy is to want to correct the narrative... ."No no no there are no unicorns living under our house making fairy cakes for Walmart" or "No no no I was not sexually abused as a kid" or "No no no I am not reading this Toxic Parents book because I have finally realised that I have huge issues stemming from my childhood." All these statements 'invalidate' what he is saying. You are essentially saying, everything you think is totally bat  crazy, only a complete nut-job would think that. You are pushing against him. You know it's not true, he thinks it's true, you want to convince him it isn't true.

So... .rather than pushing against his suppositions, why not pull, go with him. There's a couple of ways I know that you can go with his flow. Firstly, reflecting back what you have heard. Avoid personalising it, avoid sarcasm and avoid any critical words.

"Just so I understand, you think my Dad touched me when I was a kid and I have no recollection as I've buried it so deep?"... ."Yeah"... ."Wow, well the human brain is pretty powerful, I'm sure this does happen. Wouldn't you I remember anything? Like even the smallest detail? Being touched by your Dad would be horrible."

The other way is validate the invalid in such a way that it defuses all the power that he wants to project onto you. This way would specifically work when he is trying to hurt you.

"Hey, you're reading Toxic Parents because your parents messed with your head"... ."Yup, it's pretty interesting, let me know if you want to take a look after me, although you might have to wait till Mary down the road has finished with it as she wants to read it too".

Ju jitsu parenting... .or an adaptation of... .you use the power they put into the punch against them. www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf


Enabler

[Ozzie101]

You're right. It is like living two lives. When he's not in "the zone," I can remember why I love him and married him and I try to enjoy it, to be open and loving and encourage the better behavior. It's not always easy, though, because I know another dysregulation is probably just around the corner and more and more I feel the self-protection cocoon staying in place.

I'm working on not pushing against him. I no longer counter his "Your dad must have raped you" statements. I've said some variation of "I've heard that can happen" and then I just move on. Also trying to really get it into my head that by arguing, I'm making it worse and it comes across to him in a way it wouldn't to most people. It's hard to do in the moment.

With my family stuff, I'm basically having to play it by ear, walking the tightrope of trying to minimize damage. I just keep finding myself in a difficult position. He'll try to corner me. I'll try to validate his feelings while not invalidating the invalid. Then he'll pick up on it.
H: Your sisters are selfish, controlling, hateful people.
M: I know you feel that way and I can understand. They do tend to live in their own worlds and can be thoughtless at times.
H: But you don't think they're hateful, awful people? Why can't you just say they're hateful?
M: No. I can't say they're hateful. They have some good qualities but, yes, they can be selfish and thoughtless.
H: See? You're taking their side again! You will NEVER take my side. You will ALWAYS defend your family. I don't know why we even got married. This is exactly what my ex-wife did.

Maybe I need to work on my word choices. But I can't and won't say, "Yes, my sisters are hateful." Yet the way conversations go, he won't let me skirt around it.

You've given me some good things to try next time.

[Enabler]

“So what you’re saying is that because I don’t find my famil hateful we shouldn’t have got married? Have I got that right?”

“Because I don’t agree with you I cannot love you? Have I got that right?”

Keep yourself in the middle of the court and hit the ball passively back to him. If he responds with nonsense “yes” move to exit. “Okay, I need to think about that”... .“wow, hmmm I’ve not thought about things in that way before, give me some time on that.”  PwBPD are shown to ruminate on things, of left with a thought he will spin it round in his head. When he’s less dysregilated he’s likely to continue to consider that supposition and maybe come to a different better conclusion.

[Ozzie101]

Yep, that's often what happens. The next day he'll apologize and tell me he knows his way of thinking isn't the right way. Usually followed by "It's the way my mind works. I can't help it. But I want to get better about it."

Pointing out the ridiculous, the way you and the article you linked suggested, sounds like a really good tactic to try.

He'll go into divorce mode and then a couple of days later he's in tears saying he can't lose me or texting that his biggest fear is that with his behavior, one day he'll come home and I'll be gone. So, in some ways I'm learning if I stay calm and non-confrontational, eventually it will stop and he'll think more clearly the next day or two.

Before it starts again.

[Enabler]

Your response to that suggestion could be something along the lines of SET “I am doing everything I can to equip myself to deal with the issues we have in our relationship, it must suck knowing you’ve said such horrible things and I’d feel pretty guilty. You’re right, there is only so much abuse a person can take and if you don’t do something about it that may well happen.”

He wants you to say it’s okay... .the impression I get is it’s not okay and makes you feel very sad. It’s okay to tell him that as he likely already knows. However, maybe through this thread and the work I hope you will continue doing, you may be able to see his behaviour for what it is, rather than a meaningful purposeful attack on you and your character. By building your knowledge and understanding you are equipping yourself with a barrier to protect your soul. You already see patterns of behaviour, know them, learn more, they will help you starve the fire of fuel by enabling you to respond rather than react.

Well done Ozzie101

Enabler

[Ozzie101]

I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's support and advice. It really helps to get some of this stuff "out there" and hear feedback -- to hear that other people have experienced similar things and that my reactions are normal. Having things spelled out also helps to disconnect in a way, to get past the gut instinct emotional reaction to see what may actually be going on.

I should try that next time he goes into "I'm afraid you'll leave me."

I think I did pretty well last night. He was dysregulating -- not about family, amazingly enough (though he did start out on that track) but about food. He's done that before, calling me the "food police" and accusing me of looking disgusted or disapprovingly at him when he wants to order an appetizer or dessert or something. Maybe I do get a look, I don't know, but if I do, it doesn't match at all what I'm thinking. I assured him I just want him to feel good and be happy.

We ate out last night and he asked "Do you need an appetizer?" I wasn't starving so I said, "No, I'm ok." At home he goes into a rant about how he hadn't eaten much all day and wanted an appetizer but I said no. I stayed calm (while inside thinking, well, you're a damn grown-up, you should have eaten more earlier if you were hungry) and just said "You should have said you wanted one. I would have really enjoyed one too. But you asked if I needed one, which I didn't." Anyway, it went on a while, but I stayed totally calm and just sort of let the conversation flow, staying sympathetic but not agreeing with him.

Also, I feel pretty certain he's projecting his feelings about his mother and things she would have done (real food issues there) onto me. I didn't feel like that was the right time to point that out so kept that one to myself.

Anyway, things calmed down so it ended OK.

So, I think the things I'm learning here are really helping!

[Enabler]

"You're a grown lad, you can decide for yourself what you want to eat you sexy beast (smack bum... .or even better grab groin)"... .I mean seriously, where does he go from there?

Your problem, you deal with it... .it was never my problem.

I think for me, determining what was in my domain and what wasn't was the key driver to really not allowing any of my W trash to litter my front lawn. This might sound crass but thinking about it, the groin grab would really stop me in my tracks on any rant I might have... .it's massively underused.