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Author Topic: partner is displaying a lack of empathy on every level  (Read 472 times)
boogs152
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« on: November 14, 2018, 01:07:38 AM »

My partner is displaying a lack of empathy on every level at the moment. He’s extremely defensive. Can anyone offer examples of what to say when he is behaving in this way? I’m tired of validation. Validating his emotions feels like a bottomless black hole.
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Panda39
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« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2018, 07:23:31 AM »

boogs, can you give us an example of how he is acting?

Panda39
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boogs152
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« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2018, 04:56:08 PM »

Hmmm well... .

One example... .

Once he accidentally stepped on my toe quite badly. It was definitely not his fault at all and I didn’t think in that moment that he was at all to blame. It’s an easy mistake to make.
i didn’t say anything other than groan . But when I was in pain and reaching down to touch my foot all he could say was “it’s not my fault! It’s not my fault” he was clearly irritated by the situation and simply walked off to his room. Nothing more said.
Most people would acknowledge the situation on some level but he completely wiped me.

Recently, he found me in tears. I was so sad that day about the struggles we were going throug and  How unwell he has been the past six months. I rarely cry. I’m a pretty strong person and stay on a fairly even keel. But I’ve noticed one of two things happen when I do cry... .all he does is roll his eyes and say in a tone wow you never cry... .you’re not a crier. Or he completely dismissive about what I’m feeling and says that I don’t know true sadness and pain like he does.

Also recently I’ve noticed him becoming careless with his medication and on two occasions found a couple of his antidepressant tablets on the kitchen floor and our kitten trying to eat them. I needed to make him aware of this and calmly told him. His only response again was to dismiss the situation and say in an irritated voice “She will only fall asleep!”  That kitten is the light of his life. He’d be devastated if something happened to her.

I find all of this sad and frustrating. That’s what makes me cry. The sadness sometimes.
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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2018, 02:24:57 PM »

he doesnt sound like a very sensitive guy... .

there are healthy/mature ways to communicate what we need from our partners... .sometimes, with some people, thats what it takes... .along with some consistency, and also modeling/giving what we want to receive.

none of it, of course, is a guarantee. you are dealing with a partner who is very limited in his relationship skills, struggles with his emotions and those of others in profound ways.

Excerpt
Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

this is what its going to take, and the outcome is still not guaranteed - hes prone to up and leaving.

ive had a few close friends now, for most of my life. for a long time, one of my closest friends was extremely insensitive. always said the wrong thing. inevitably though, id expect him to be a good shoulder to cry on, and then be hurt and resentful when he wasnt. there were lots of things about the relationship that i enjoyed. hes hilarious, and we laughed a lot, and had a lot of good times. so eventually i saw his limits, and gave up on expecting him to be someone other than who he was. with that, our relationship stopped making me resentful. i enjoyed the aspects i enjoyed. if i needed a shoulder to cry on, i went to a friend who could deliver that. if i wanted to laugh, i went to him.

can you do that, and find the relationship fulfilling?
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2018, 03:23:15 PM »

Hi boogs.  It sounds like he is operating on fear.  Fear of being blamed, fear of being responsible.  I am not sure how to speak to that other than to say yes, I know it was not on purpose. or yes, I know it was an accident and then leave it there.  I know that does not help with your feelings.  Having realistic expectations will help with that like once removed suggested. 
It is not fair that all of this communication and comforting falls on you, but these relationships are rarely fair or reciprocal. 
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boogs152
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« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2018, 09:28:40 PM »

Why is that these relationships are rarely fair or reciprocal? I know what you’re saying. I experience it most days.
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Panda39
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« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2018, 07:27:51 AM »

Hi boogs,

I don't know how to answer your question other than to say that it is BPD.  BPD is a mental illness/disorder your partner is going to display certain dysfunctional behaviors, unless he gets the help he needs and truly does the work.  If you read other posts on this site on any of the boards, it doesn't matter who the pwBPD is in your life there are certain common behaviors.

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  I see the same insensitive behaviors with the girl's mom that you are experiencing. 

My SO's older D22 is no contact with her mom, but the younger D18 is still trying to have a relationship with her mom.  So on Mother's Day D18 invited her mom out to lunch.  Her mom showed up, basically played on her phone the whole time, didn't engage with her daughter, got her "free lunch", and then asked her daughter to pay for her uber ride back home. This is how the mom who has already alienated one daughter treats the other one! It is completely illogical, it is horribly painful for the person on the other end of it, but she doesn't see the problem, so doesn't get help, and nothing about her behavior changes.

I have been with my SO for 8+ years and his ex continues to repeat the same dysfunctional patterns over and over again and sadly for her and her daughters, without proper help and doing the work she needs to do, she will remain stuck.

Initially I was confused about her, then angry, then discovered BPD and read all I could to understand what it is, and I eventually arrived at acceptance... .this is who she is, and she is gonna do what she is gonna do. 

Since we can't control someone else and we only control ourselves the rest of us around her have had to decide what kind of relationship we are willing to have with her.  I have chosen not to interact with her at all (boundary), she did something horrendous to D22 (destroyed her trust) so she no longer interacts with her mom (boundary), D17 is low contact (boundary) with her mom (phone/text... .the occasional lunch/coffee), and my SO has minimal contact usually only in relation to assisting D17 deal with her mom (boundary).  In terms of a relationship with the ex my SO was married 17 years and he tried his best, his children have tried their best, but without their mother acknowledging the issue and doing the work... .trying her best the consequences have been really sad for them all.

In our case I know it sounds like our boundaries are pretty harsh, but they are to protect ourselves from being further hurt and allow D17 to continue to have a relationship with her mom where she is less likely to be hurt in a big way.

Below are a couple of books that I like about BPD in general, they might be something to check out (if you haven't already) to get a good grounding in what BPD is. 

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder Paperback by Randi Kreger 

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

I hear how much you care for your partner, and I hear how much you want him to be more sensitive but he has BPD/BPD Traits he is not going to behave like someone that doesn't.  The question is whether or not you can accept that... .that you can accept who he is as he is.  Wanting something that he may be incapable of providing is just going to keep hurting you.  Accepting that he may be incapable of providing something you want will make it less painful. 

Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

There is acceptance and then there is what you deserve.  That is the question I might ask myself... .what kind of relationship do you deserve?  Is this it?  I see you doing a lot for your partner, but what about you?  What are you receiving?

Panda39
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Harri
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« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2018, 01:58:46 PM »

The more I think about and learn about BPD the more I start to believe most pwBPD have difficulty seeing outside of their own self.  They can have empathy, sympathy, be considerate and caring but when they are threatened and in defense mode, they become overwhelmed and frantically try to make their own feelings go away.   What threatens them can be fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment and for some fear of losing their already unstable sense of self.  This is going to happen more with people to whom they feel close. 

Granted, BPD occurs on a spectrum, so people at the extremes may operate differently, but the above is my general conclusion (and i am no expert... .it just makes sense with my own experiences and my own reading).
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« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2018, 04:02:23 PM »

Boogs, when I feel like this, I remind myself that all I have is me, and sometimes that has to be enough. It's hard when you feel that you are all alone with no one to take care of you but you. When my uBPDh is sick, I am supposed to fawn and fret all over him, but when I am sick, I am expected to carry on like nothing is wrong. It is exhausting and demoralizing.

What helps is to remind myself to accept what he can give me, which is--most of the time---enough. And when he can't meet my needs, I have to meet them myself. This means that I have to do things that replenish myself. This means self-care. And this means I remind myself that self-care is self-preservation.
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boogs152
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« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2018, 04:32:58 PM »

Self care is self preservation. I like that. That really helps. Thankyou. I had a chronic illness after a holiday in Bali and my pwBPD would often act as if it was an inconvenience and roll his eyes. I was expected  to act as if nothing was wrong. It was very very hard.
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« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2018, 05:22:49 PM »

Why is that these relationships are rarely fair or reciprocal?

the long and short of it is two fold:

1. our partners are very limited in their relationship skills, and are extremely emotionally sensitive, fearful, distrustful with others, and feel all of these things very strongly to the point that it overwhelms them, and even limits them in their lives. often times, this is true for us as well, more than we realize.

2. while these relationships can be very intense, i think sometimes we mistake that for intimacy. what i see frequently is that both parties, at the end of the day, often have very high needs, and dont read each other very well at all - expect the other party to read their minds, and even blur boundaries by trying to train the other party to meet their needs.

it can happen in any relationship, but it gets messy when rather than resolve conflict, or accept each others boundaries/limits, we double down on trying to get our message, our hurt, our needs, whatever, across.
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boogs152
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« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2018, 06:05:25 PM »

I definitely find that my partner wants me to read his mind. But when  if I ask him to tell me what he wants he finds that “dominating”
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2018, 01:30:34 AM »

boogs, I'm sorry for all the pain you are feeling over unmet expectations that would be realistic in many other relationships.  Many of us have felt similar pain and asked similar questions.

Are you able to get support in any other relationships in your life?

RC
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desperate.wife
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« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2018, 08:33:46 AM »



Also recently I’ve noticed him becoming careless with his medication and on two occasions found a couple of his antidepressant tablets on the kitchen floor and our kitten trying to eat them. I needed to make him aware of this and calmly told him. His only response again was to dismiss the situation and say in an irritated voice “She will only fall asleep!”  That kitten is the light of his life. He’d be devastated if something happened to her.


Oh, mine husband keeps his meds next to bed on the floor. Or in the pockets, or on the table. How many times I asked him to find safe place for them. We have 3 years old.  He agrees, or gets angry (depends on his moods). Yet, they are still there, by his bed. Not only medics. His tabaco, lighter, anything not appropriate to leave openly with a kid... .Sometimes he is better at that, sometimes worse.

I guess it is because of depression. Feeling less, not caring, testing limits. I don't know.
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boogs152
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« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2018, 02:55:17 PM »

Yes that’s a good point testing limits or not having the energy to care. Very true.
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