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Author Topic: Struggling to cope with emotional blackmail  (Read 390 times)
moonrise

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« on: November 18, 2018, 11:44:20 AM »

Hi,

(Disclaimer - this is really long so I put a quick summary at the end)

Currently in maybe 3rd week of barely talking with my uBPDh (I say u for now although he is in the process of being diagnosed), and feel I’m being emotionally blackmailed as I try desperately to keep my boundaries intact - I could really use some support because I feel absolutely destroyed.

Typically when his mood dips I try to find out what I can do to make him feel better but he’s usually not able to tell me, and usually after a while something happens to make me remove myself from the situation (my boundaries: I leave the room and go do something else for the night if he is speaking to me disrespectfully, aggressively slamming doors/throwing things/hitting walls, or drinking very heavily - all of these happen most of the time when his mood is low).

Having read on this website about FOG and emotional blackmail, he definitely fits into the “sufferer” category of emotional blackmailers - he won’t tell me what he wants me to do but expects me to figure it out and do it anyway or else he’ll feel bad and it’ll be my fault. After about a week of low mood - he came to me feeling a bit better and said he wanted us to be okay but said I had basically made him feel worse by not doing what he needed. I said I would try to help him more but that he needed to at least tell me what he wanted me to do. He agreed, we were communicating pretty well and he seemed to be taking things on board, we seemed to be working towards a resolution. And then we had one of those whiplash moments where I brought up something that he had done that had upset me that week and bam! suddenly we’re right back where we started.
And since then he’s been very depressed and angry, not speaking to me, drinking heavily, slamming everything, etc. So I have been just pretty much doing my own thing for a while, trying to get through it, checking in with him now and then to see if he needs anything (the answer is always no).

A couple of days ago, again, he seemed to be feeling better and was messaging me while he was at work. I was very angry about something that he had done a couple of days ago but responded calmly and when he asked if I wanted to do something together the next day, I said maybe but that I wanted to talk about things first. Still he didn’t react too negatively to this and I thought things were ok. Cut to the next day and it’s more of the same. I do my own thing in the house that day and in the evening I get a text (he was in the house with me) saying “I’m leaving”.
This is not something he has ever threatened to do before. I go into the bedroom and he has a bag packed but won’t answer any questions about where he’s going, if he’s just leaving the house or if he wants to leave me. He tells me to leave him alone so I do. Then texts me saying he’s not going out. I ask another question and he says I’m “obsessed” with him leaving and that means I must want him to go.

Later he sends several messages detailing how awful he feels, how he wants to die, etc. and insinuates that I’m responsible for him feeling that way. I say I’m sorry that he’s hurting, I love him and that I would like to talk about it more when I can properly respond (I’m in bed at this point before a 7am start at work the next day, and he is very drunk - more boundaries). More messages, and I repeat my statement. The messages are call but I feel absolutely awful because even though I know that I’m not really responsible, I can see that he is in pain and feel I am not helping that.

Today at work I messaged him saying that I would like to talk when I get home and that I feel this will be easier if he doesn’t start drinking before then, and that I love him.
I got home and he has not been drinking (he says) but does not want to talk. Very angry and I can tell he still thinks it is all my fault.

Anyway sorry this is such a long post but TL;DR - my BPD husband is blaming me for his depressed mood, his drinking, his anger and his suicidal feelings and I could really, really use some support.
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Red5
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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2018, 12:09:53 PM »

Wow, emotional blackmail... .that’s a tough one to deal with moonrise, I am very familiar with this one.

I think that maybe emotional blackmail and projecting are very close kin, .I have found that the more I tried to help, to fix, to try and pull the pw/BPD out of the mud, or down out of their tree, that it seemed I only enabled more of the same... .

Destructive behavior ie’ “I want to die and it’s all your fault” is in my humble opinion a tool for the pw/BPD to keep you the “Non” in the circular arguememt / dysregulation... .blackmailed... .like they are saying you better take full responsibility for my issues or I am going to do something drastic,

So what to do, that’s a tough one... .human nature says jump in with both feet and HELP, .but as I wrote... .this may only dump more fuel into the dysregulative fire... .

Maybe a few boundaries guidelines would be, ie’ a measure of tough love... .something to think about anyway,

*treat every and any “I want to die” with... .I will have to take you at your word for your own safety and I will call an ambulance crew if you ever tell me that you want to hurt yourself.

*I will NOT talk to you when you are drunk... .we will talk when you are sober... .

*I am sorry that you feel that I’m the cause of all your problems, here are the yellow pages, and under “T”... .and I see options for you.

I know this is tough... .and I may be a bit curse... .but I know from personal experience that sometimes when “toxic” is full blown that our good intentions and wanting to be supportive is used as a tool to enable bad behaviors by the pw/BPD... .

Hang in there moonrise, tread lightly, but be strong; and take care of yourself,

Kind Regards Red5
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“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2018, 04:51:07 PM »

You are trying to maintain your boundaries and currently there's not much communication between you and your husband. When he acts out, you remove yourself from his presence. You'd like to help, but he won't tell you what's going on with him and he expects you to figure it out, then blames you when you don't understand.

He has no tolerance for hearing about anything that he's done that upsets you and when you've brought up issues, he gets angry and shuts down and does a variety of unpleasant behaviors. He threatens to leave, says he wants to die, and it's all your fault.

You'd like to help him, but it's hard when you're the target of his anger.

It's good that you remove yourself from his presence when he's doing behaviors that are unpleasant to be around. Have you seen this article about FOG (fear obligation guilt)?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
moonrise

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« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2018, 02:32:03 AM »

Red,

Sorry that you’ve gone through something similar, it’s a nightmare. Every fibre of my being is telling me to help the person I love at whatever cost but my head knows that this is not healthy for either of us. I’m not sure if the ambulance is something that would work but I will give it some thought. It’s difficult because he is very vague - “I want to die” but “not sure if I’m suicidal”. He is seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist but the diagnosis is still not formally made, so the therapy he is getting is sporadic and not necessarily tailored to someone with BPD - in a bit of a limbo period with this at the moment unfortunately and this is the worst he has been since starting these appointments and regular medication.

Cat,

Thanks a lot for summarising everything in your post, it can be quite helpful to see the main issues laid out in a concise way like that. I had read the article you posted and it has been helpful but I feel like I have an extra step before step one of responding to the demand - which is figuring out what the demand actully is! Since he usually expects me to figure it out without telling him. I also find it difficult because I feel I need to have an actual conversation with him to use some of the tools described in the article, and this doesn’t seem to be an option right now as he is mostly drunk and when I ask to talk he either ignores me completely or repeats “I don’t want to talk” over and over until I stop talking and leave him alone.

I feel like I’m quite familiar with most of his reactions/tactics by this point but I’m also holding my ground more than I ever have and I’m worried of how much he may escalate.
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« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2018, 06:52:44 AM »

I feel like I’m quite familiar with most of his reactions/tactics by this point but I’m also holding my ground more than I ever have and I’m worried of how much he may escalate.

Hey Moonrise

This is kind of his subconscious objective of his crazymaking. You feeling uncertain as to how far he might take this maybe how he feels as well, and he wants you to feel that uncertainty as well. I can imagine being near diagnosis of this kind of disorder would produce an immense amount of emotional trauma if I were him. I guess he is having to reassess his entire sense of reality, his entire sense of normal and his entire sense of being. If I were him I'd probably want you to provide me safety and reassurance, I'd expect you to calm my chaos and ultimately I'd defer all responsibility to you... .since I can't be responsible for me. I don't know whether you have seen this list before but here is a list of 'rules' that summed up my experience pretty well. I don't advocate the rest of the site but this seemed a pretty complete framework to understand the thought process:

www.anythingtostopthepain.com/20-rules-for-understanding-BPD/

Red's point about accepting every threat at face value is your first port of call in responding to his demands. Mind reading is impossible... .perpetuating the delusion that mind reading is possible perpetuates his own dysfunction. Concentrate on the fires you can fight. One of those fires may well be firming up your own perception of reality. I for one know that my perception of the truth and therefore my reality takes a serious battering especially with gaslighting, accusations and silent treatment. Have you tried writing a journal to help preserve your truth. It's something to defer to when you have a 'cannot compute' moment.

Enabler
 
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2018, 07:02:15 AM »

I think it is less emotional blackmail than faulty thinking and expectations that can not be met, as Enabler mentioned. We can't read minds. On our part is the feeling of obligation that we somehow are responsible to "fix" their hurt feelings. That is a part of FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

I also experienced the sudden " you hurt my feelings but I'm not going to tell you what you did". This upset me and I would try in vain to fix things and make them right. It took some work on my own co-dependency to realize my limitations: I can't read minds, and I can't fix someone else's feelings. If I have hurt someone's feelings, I am willing to apologize but I can't apologize for something I don't know about or didn't do.

It's really hard to learn to step back and let someone manage their own feelings- and to manage mine when I feel the need to soothe and fix. I grew up doing that with a BPD mother so it is second nature for me to help make things right, and soothe feelings, but I'm not a mind reader.

I'm sensitive and find it hard to be around a person who is angry and upset. It's tough, but I try to hold on to knowing what I can and can not do, stay calm and don't react in the moment. A simple "honey, I care about you but I can't read minds. I'm ready to listen when you are ready to talk to me about what is going on with you" and then go about my business. It gets easier with practice.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2018, 11:46:45 AM »

Hi moonrise,
Of course you want to help this man you love! But sometimes the way we've learned to help healthy people is counterproductive with people who have BPD.

I, too, have dealt with this conundrum: "Figure out how to help me, but I'm not gonna tell you, but if you don't, then it shows you don't care about me."

Previously I believed that anything could be accomplished with talking and if I could only get a dialog going with him, then we could work it out. Well, BPD proved that theory incorrect.

What I had to do is to step aside and say, "Well, I'd love to help, but if you won't tell me what you need, I guess there's nothing I can do. Let me know when you want my help." And then, like what Notwendy said, I went about my business.

I know it's hard to maintain a good frame of mind when one's partner is dysregulating, but there's no point in going there too. I had to tolerate the accusations of "not caring" and being "cold" but I continued to say things like, "I'm here, whenever you want to talk."

Over time, this approach has "trained" him to manage his own emotions better.

Cat
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2018, 03:12:45 PM »

I am someone who likes to talk things out. It was very difficult for me to adjust to a situation where talking did not help and may have in fact made things worse. This goes against my own nature- I want to talk things out but to do that takes two and if one won't talk- then it doesn't work.

This is not a book about BPD but it helped me to shift from being a talker to adjusting to a person who doesn't problem solve by talking:

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It – April 29, 2008
by Patricia Love  (Author), Steven Stosny  (Author)
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« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2018, 04:36:49 PM »

I am so sorry this is happening, moonrise.

My H is uBPD/uNPD.  I have experience a lot of what you are experiencing.

Emotional blackmail is a common tactic for both BPDs and also NPDs.  Blaming is also one of their cognitive distortions.

It is your choice how to deal with your husband.  If you have not already done so, please read, "Walking On Eggshells," by Randi Kreger.  It has helped me a great deal to help me cope with my marriage to a pwBPD.

Enabler, what a helpful link!

Moonrise, most of all, please know you did not cause your husband's illness.  You can only make choices on how to approach it.

 

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Red5
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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2018, 05:46:27 PM »

Echo!

That is an awesome link Enabler!

Thank you!

Red5
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