Seeking a New Road for the Journey

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I have been taking a class on DailyOM called  “Master the Path of the Peaceful Warrior” BY DAN MILLMAN

This quote spoke to me “yielding graciously to the impassable roadblocks in your path in order to seek a new road,”.  

I have been cycling through the first four stages of grieving the loss of my relationship - denial, anger, bargaining, and depression for about three years now.   From time to time, I have dipped into acceptance, but haven’t been able to stay there for any length of time.  

I am at the point to accept that the roadblocks in my marriage are truly impassable.  I’m still grieving that fact, but accepting that it is indeed a fact.  

If I don’t seek a new path, I am doomed to keep traveling in circles attempting to force the roadblock to yield.  

Where are you in your journey?  

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello everyone,

I have been taking a class on DailyOM called  “Master the Path of the Peaceful Warrior” BY DAN MILLMAN

This quote spoke to me “yielding graciously to the impassable roadblocks in your path in order to seek a new road,”.  

I have been cycling through the first four stages of grieving the loss of my relationship - denial, anger, bargaining, and depression for about three years now.   From time to time, I have dipped into acceptance, but haven’t been able to stay there for any length of time.  

I am at the point to accept that the roadblocks in my marriage are truly impassable.  I’m still grieving that fact, but accepting that it is indeed a fact.  

If I don’t seek a new path, I am doomed to keep traveling in circles attempting to force the roadblock to yield.  

Where are you in your journey?  

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Baglady]

Hi Mustbe,
I'm a year out this week from my exBPDh's psychotic rage fest that precipitated our divorce and I've cycled through the denial, bargaining and grieving stages so far.  Right now, I'm heavily into the anger stage - as in the "I want to shred him a new one" and do him bodily harm  - deep, deep anger for all that he has put me and most especially my son through this long painful year.  Don't worry - my anger is manifesting itself in satisfying mental fantasies of what I really want to do to him - in real life - I'm a complete wimp and couldn't harm a fly - chuckle! 
I'm working hard to avoid any contact with him beyond texts/emails concerning co-parenting. I think that I'd have a hard time not verbally admitting my anger to him in person in some way and I do not want to give him that power over me.  I'm also working hard to not displace my anger on other innocent hapless people around me!
So that's where I'm at right now.
Warmly,
B

[Cromwell]

Hi Mustbe

Much like how BagLady has described, manifested anger for putting up with with how much hurt has been caused - I think I can relate very well to the frustrations involved in not finding an outlet, having to bottle those feelings up and convert them into fantasies. It only goes to show the gravity of what has been inflicted - yet - despite it, at least it is more productive than the alternative - to deny the existence of anger to ourselves as an unacceptable emotion to hold.

I wrote a post on here once, at the embryonic stage of feeling this anger. The first time - post relationship - I allowed myself to do so. It was derided at the time, it was a question I put forward; "should I have just given her a slap"?

Of course, it was a rhetorical question, but an insight into how far that hurt can boil, it was helpful to acknowledge because it led the way to a new road for the journey, a term that fits well in my own dealings with BPD, a route that ultimately led out which only became possible, the abatement of anger, when I accepted that the relationship was not what I had originally thought it would be.

It was not the love that I had envisaged, it was planetary distance apart from what I felt it should have been or could have been. She wasnt remotely close to the person I had fallen for, which i had to accept when I learned over time her true nature and not what had been portrayed.

As baglady has also went on to make an important point, for me it became - the - critical point. I had stopped thinking solely of my own hurt and my own despair in this relationship and began to acknowledge the bigger picture - how I had allowed the relationship to consume me to the extent it had hurt others too, and for this - beyond any anger I could justifiably hold against her, I hold to myself for the guilt of sidelining those who had genuinely cared for me.

I smashed through that roadblock, my not accepting that I would allow that injected venom to be carried with me, like a poison remaining, regardless that she is banished in physical and spiritual terms. What I endured for 3 years was enough, there is a point of defiance that it will be carried on any further, to sully what should be happy moments. I wont allow it and have put any thoughts of anger or revenge to the side.

In short, I eventually deprived her the credit or satisfaction of being able to label me as one of her victims.

anger is important, it is the fuel of revolutionary action, but it is part of support towards a process of action and not designed to be long term.

As my life moves forward, there becomes increasingly less to be angry about, to bring a positive outcome out of that disaster, to remove her lust for control and dominion over me - is - to these sorts; the worst thing, far more cruel than a slap could ever achieve to which only serves to give them more power.

i accepted there was indeed a roadblock, holding md back from genuine happiness and fulfillment - that acceptance was not exclusive to driving through it - decemate it until it is naught but rubble, drive on and not look back.

[Mutt]

Hi Mustbe,

=Mustbeabetterway]This quote spoke to me “yielding graciously to the impassable roadblocks in your path in order to seek a new road,”.

I like that quote Mustbeabetterway it’s so true. It wasn’t until accepting that my uBPDexw is seriously mentally ill me giving up hope that a new path presented itself a path that I’d like to think that is less emotionally distressing than the previous one. I had to exhaust every possible avenue and I actually I tried the same ones over and over too.

The members in this support group were the ones that supported and encouraged me to give up hope and stop the crazy making behaviour. Einstein has said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is by definition insanity if that’s true then getting off the emotional roller coaster brought sanity and stability back into my life.

Maybe a lot of us have blind spots Accepting that someone that we cared about that changed so much from the beginning to the end of the r/s. A r/s with a pwBPD is a hard experience to go through why else would stay in it? I stayed because of the kids even though there was a lot of chaos it was still familiar to me i was anxious about the future and didn’t want to be single again.

I just made the decision that she crossed a boundary that I can’t work it - cheating plus in a sense it was a reason that can utilize to say that I want out. For better or for worse once that decision was made I pushed through and I could say that it was a new road

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Baglady, it's good that you are working on maintaining boundaries around contact with him.  Also, good that you are aware that the anger may spill over to others in your life or with whom you have contact.  

I have anxiety around anger, and I find it almost impossible to stay angry.  This has been a source of frustration for me because at times I had every right to feel anger and this may have spurred me on to make necessary changes long before I actually have.  Something about my personality causes me to feel empathy instead of anger and then I turn into a doormat or martyr type.  Uggggh

Cromwell, thanks for sharing.  You make some important points, anger is a sign that changes need to be made and it sounds like you were able to make them and move past the anger.

Mutt, as you say, accepting that your spouse is mentally ill is a difficult place to come to.  I tried all kinds of things and kept hoping that chaos would somehow turn into something easier to live with.  Cheating wasn't the deal breaker for me, but physical violence and threats were.  I guess we all have our breaking points.  Even after all of that, I have had the hardest time letting go.  i think I am finally at the point of emotional detachment. 

Mustbe

[Mutt]

Hi Mustbe,

Cheating wasn't the deal breaker for me, but physical violence and threats were.  I guess we all have our breaking points.  Even after all of that, I have had the hardest time letting go.  i think I am finally at the point of emotional detachment.  

I’d wanted out of the r/s I wanted her to do it which is not good you should be true to yourself and speak clearly about your needs. An affair is enough to dissolve a marriage and I wanted to dissolve it because I was tired of all the negativity.

I’m glad to hear that you feel like you’re starting to detach and I’m sorry that you went through that horrible experience   Detachment is a process it doesn’t happen all at once.

[once removed]

This quote spoke to me “yielding graciously to the impassable roadblocks in your path in order to seek a new road,”. 

it reminds me a bit of Radical Acceptance, in terms of accepting our circumstances as they are, and not necessarily how we want them to be.

we cant just continue down a path by pretending the road blocks arent there. but there is a new road, sometimes more than one.

there were a lot of impassable roadblocks for me. my ex was in a new relationship. she wasnt coming back. i wasnt going to get closure on my terms, at least if they involved her, either. i looked around me and saw the road to detaching, but i wasnt ready to head down that road until i was.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mustbe, Like what you are saying about finding a new path.  I certainly lost my way in the BPD Forest.  In Greek Myth, Theseus finds his way out of the Labyrinth, where the Minotaur resides, by following the thread he unspooled on his way in.  In similar fashion, I would suggest that the path out of the BPD Cave involves reconnecting with the threads of one's life, which indicate who you are at your core.  Does this make sense?  Sometimes I find it easier to express myself by analogy and metaphor.

Keep up the good work!
LJ

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Mustbe,

I feel like I am playing an emotional game of Twister, with one foot on depression, one foot on denial, one hand on anger and I am trying to reach acceptance but I can barely get just my fingertips on it.

The deal breaker for me was that he continues to dodge accountability and refuses to get any substantial treatment that might even present the possibility of changing his abusive behavior towards me and others. He prefers to remain an entitled victim who feels he has the right to act out whenever he pleases and disrupt my life with his control games. Also he continues to cross physical, mental and emotional boundaries and he doesn't see his behavior as being a problem.

The realization that the abuse cycle was escalating, and that physical assault was the most likely next step (given his history of extreme violence towards me) helped me see that any hope of him changing was false hope.

No contact for three weeks now, an[d the holidays are coming up. I am sad because I feel sorry that he ruined the holidays for himself again... .and his birthday... .last year he spent the whole season in jail because he assaulted me.

And I feel sorry for him.

And I don't want to accept the end of the relationship, because it feels final and scary... .because I don't know what will happen to him... .and I didn't want it to be this way.

I have yet to make my first post on Detaching... .because I don't know where to start. I don't want it to be real.

But it is.

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

 :hi:Redeemed, welcome to the detaching board.  I didn't want to move here either, but had to accept the fact that the roadblock was impassable. 

I feel sorry for my uBPDh, too.  I think we are compassionate people, but we have to learn to protect ourselves and love ourselves, too.  That's what I was talking about above when I said I could not manage to stay angry long enough to let it work for change.  I think I have used sheer willpower and determination to make the break.

I am not looking forward to the holidays, either.  I think my husband will isolate himself and begin to feel sorry for himself and ultimately blame me. I am going to try to make firm plans so that I will not be as vulnerable as I would if I were isolated and lonely, too.

Do you have a plan for the holidays? 

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks Mustbe,

Ironically, my plans for the holidays include visiting MIL... .without uBPDh... .

That only adds to my guilt. But she is s2's grandma, and a second mom to me. Both my parents are gone now, and my older children celebrate the holidays with my sister and her husband's family.

I have to remember that I gave this every chance I possibly could, well past the point of wisdom or safety.

He is responsible for his continued mistreatments, blaming and otherwise dysfunctional behavior. I can't save him from himself, and I can't save a relationship single handedly. If he wants to flip that around in his mind and believe that he was the one putting in the effort to save the relationship, and I walked out and turned my back... .well, I can't change that point of view either. I can't put a reality lens on his distorted glasses.

Holidays were not any better with him than without him. At least I can have peace and no drama.

Blessings,

Redeemed

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,

I know that MIL has been a constant source of support for you.  I hope it goes well.  Wishing you loads of peace and absolutely no drama.   

Mustbeabetterway