How to go no Contact with future BPD MIL

[Star0009]

 We are currently staying in her house for a month. She is on the other side of the world. She has been toxic non stop and thinks we are going to stay living with her the rest of our lives or really she is making an active effort to rid of me so her grown 42 year old son can live with her the rest of his life. She has no boundaries and is constantly manipulating and playing games. My fiance has yet to tell her we are leaving because he is making sure he can deal with the least drama from her. We have all our stuff being shipped. I will be driving the day before she returns. My fiance will meet me by plane at our new home a week later.

Someone asked the fear of him staying. The biggest risk is a relapse with addiction. He was a very heavy alcoholic who could not stop drinking until he was passed out for weeks on end and would go on benders. Due to back surgery he was put on pain meds and a doctor kept prescribing them so he was addicted to pain medication to the point he just screamed and didn't get out of bed literally for a year. He would snort them too. His mom has encouraged all of these addictions and has provided him these substances at times to keep him under her roof.

I think he will be ok though. He knows the dangers and does not want to be here or an addict anymore. I know if he cancels his plane ticket he has relapsed in some way in which case I plan on contacting his father to help get him help and out of the situation. She will not become physically abusive like my mom  with him but tell him details of her sex life and her body, guilt trips, stories about how bad his father is and tell him he should leave me which she is currently doing.

The past 4 years here every time I'm alone with her she tells me he is just like his father and I should leave him. So yeah we have both had enough. He will get therapy and continue whatever relationship he choses with her. I want to go No contact. She never has truly loved me and has for 20 years been playing games and adding toxicity to our relationship and constantly trying to say rude things to get a rise out of me or being grossly sexual around me and her son including having loud sex with men his whole life next to his room. I have experienced it. She still buys him porn. He is 42. She talks about her sex life, walks around half nude (she is 74 and just a normal women... .she doesn't dress or look like a sex pot or anything), talks about him in a sexual manner.  

I don't know a firm nice way to say please take care but don't contact me. I'm scared of her and don't know what she is capable of. I just want to get her out of my life as smoothly as possible. I guess thats why I'm asking here bc I know others have gone nc with the BPD person in their life and i'm curious with what they said? With my own BPDMom in the past I have just cut her off when her behavior got bad and she got the idea I was not talking to her.  I know what to expect from my Mom as payback so I'm terrified bc I don't know what his Mom will do.

I want to remove her as peacefully as possible and in a way that puts no blame on her. I don't want her out for revenge. She already will be because we are moving and I recently stood up to her the first time after as he told me she was trying to get a rise out of me so she kept calling me fat, just bc I put on some weight. We are actually close to the same size and she sat in the kitchen with see through underwear talking to me about the man she is trying to seduce telling my dog "I'm a dirty dirty girl." Knowing she does this to her son/ my bf all the time I told her to please respect our boundaries with this stuff. Even though I apologized the next day and took all the blame she has been sending me passive aggressive emails ever since and asking her son why he would put up with me? etc? Anyways this is just to give a rough idea of what I've been dealing with but I would love suggestions as to what to say when she contacts me to go No contact?  

[Panda39]

Starr,

How do you think she will try to contact you?  Phone, in person, mail/email?

Because no contact is no contact... .I just wouldn't answer the phone, open the door, respond to an email etc.

To me I don't know that you need to give her an explanation, I think I would just go radio silence.  Others may have another approach.

I think giving her an explanation takes you into JADE Territory (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and JADE can up the Drama.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

How well do you and your fiance handle FOG?  Because it will likely come hot and heavy once you leave and particularly on your fiance since you will be removing yourself by going no contact.  When setting boundaries such as your move, or no contact, you can expect things to get worse before they get better.

I often share the simplified boundary example below both so you can how it can play out and so you can picture your MIL as a little kid having a tantrum... .definitely less intimidating   See how the kid's behaviors escalate.

We've all seen this at the grocery store... .

Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eating good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store... .the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I hope this helps, I wish you and your fiance well on your new life together  

Panda39

[Turkish]

I'm horrified about what you shared about her sexual innapropriateness, but we're all anonymous here and safe.  I'm thinking of the things we found in my buddy's mom's house after she died, shocking stuff.

Speaking of revenge,  do you think that she has the means to hurt you in real life after you've gone,

[GaGrl]

If you are No Contact, but your fiance is still Low Contact, how will that work? What level of confidence do you have that your fiance can withstand his mother's assaults?

Do you have a secondary plan should your fiance NOT join you following his mother's return?

This is Worst Case Scenario planning.

[Star0009]

Thanks guys! Panda I know it will get worse before it gets better. I know she will try to contact me in all ways. I'm sure with nice/guilt messages until I respond but I will go silent. Like I said I had to go No contact with my own BPD Mom several times in my life and that is what I did. Her behavior behind my back now to her son and her actively trying to get him to dump me behind my back needs no explanation. I'm sure she will get the idea.

I am afraid of her hurting me. First of all I'm used to my own BPD Mom physically attacking me so there is that. My dad while very verbally and emotionally abusive was also my friend when not being abusive and would warn me of my Mom's physical abuse as if she could kill me. Her abuse went beyond physical. My father would always say people will hurt you when they have nothing to lose. That is like my MIL. She has very few people left in her life. I also know how far my Mom will go and how to keep the peace. I can't get peace from his Mom and don't know how far she will go. I get this may just be the fear in me but her other son has been in jail for murdering her parents in their fancy old money home over 20 years ago. She still talks to him in jail and she is obsessed with true crime shows and novels as are lots of people but its all a bit creepy. I have known her 20 years and always suspected she suffers a light I think case of munchausen by proxy with her own health, family and pets... .she has proved me right time and again. I don't know how far it goes though. I'm pretty sure I will be ok. I'm prob just freaking out but I just know there is lots of toxic energy from this lady and I fear that she won't leave me alone because she has lots of money, no husband anymore and lots of time on her hands. My bf says like my Mom once we are away from her she will focus more on her life here. I hope that is the case.
As far as my bf coming. I know him very well and his moods. I know he will join me and really wants to leave but is staying due to guilt extra time. If he can get the proper help for his past and how he will deal with her in the future is yet to be seen.
He is still too scared to tell her we are leaving. I'm kind of glad bc I will already be hundreds of miles away from her when she finds out.

[Star0009]

Update~
We both made it to our new home on the other side of the country. She already followed us her and flew in just for a Holiday party but is only here for a few days. My finace says he told her he does not have time to see her. He ran from her home and says he now sees how crazy she is and wants to get into therapy for it. I came out a week earlier and he was telling me how much he loves me and can't wait to be with me but once he got here it is the same non stop emotional abuse from him. I get cursed out constantly. I have no idea if he is capable of love. He admits he is abusive while screaming at me but then blames me for shutting down or says I have to blame in the relationship too because I shut down to avoid fights and from my own anxiety issues and psychological issues from my childhood abuse but I'm very loving and forgiving of him even minute to minute. When he is screaming at me and I call him on it he just brings up any of my faults from the past including this on going resentment he has that I let the trash pile up when he had back surgery and I was caring for him like 4 years ago. my nerves are constantly frayed. Worse he is now emeshing himself in his dad's life so his dad who babies him and gives him money is constantly on his case with how to live. His family is also super loving to him but judgemental of me and already he is insisting that I spend time with them so 'if they decide to hate me at least they will have a reason.' I just spent 4 years with his mom with BPD all over our lives and now I'm getting abused at home and he wants me to try to prove myself and bond with his father's side of the family while he secretly emotionally abuses me at home all day but acts all nice to them. I'm tired and have no support system and not enough money or strength to leave so I'm trying to stick it out and hope he gets into therapy as he says. I know I'm trying to find the best therapist I can for myself. I know he does help with money and he says all of his life is taking care of me but I know I'm getting emotionally abused. I'm so confused what part I play because all he does is scream at me that I'm putting all the blame on him when in the same breath he admits he is being abusive. All day long he is bossing me around to do stuff and if i say no I get cursed at or if my dog does something bad he says "you never trained your dog" or "your mom is a mess." etc... like she is a kid in an abusive home or something it feels. The thought that is my reality and that I know I need to leave eventually puts my anxiety thru the roof. Any thoughts onto how to make this stop. I will start posting in the relationship threads though I don't think he has a personality disorder even though his mom has one but sometimes I question if he is somewhat covert narcissistic. All I know is its hard to live with this everyday. He is not a loving human being except for brief moments out of the day.

[cClearly]

You can't fix him.  I, understand, that you see why he is the way he is, but you can't fix him.  He needs therapy and rehab.  I lived a similar situation with my DH and MIL, but he was not abusive to me.  He had an awakening and he has no contact with his mother or any other family member that promotes bad behavior.  That's the only way to go and you just have to do it.  You stop answering the phone, emails, and texts and you stop visiting.  None.  In my husbands words before he left rehab, "I have to vanish from the face of the earth."  and he has, with the exception of those friends and family who truly care about his mental health and well-being and every one of those people have healthy emotional maturity.

[GaGrl]

Do you think that living in proximity to your MIL covered up the problems that are now surfacing with your partner?

[Turkish]

It's been a few days Star... .do you feel safe?