I think my daughter-in-law has BPD.

[Mary Agnes]

My son and his wife have been together for 13 years. After reading the symptoms and causes of BPD, I feel strongly that she has it. She has gone to extreme measures to keep my son under her control, calling him all during the day, checking his text messages, and basically ostracizing him from his family. She has a drinking problem and lashes out at me through nasty text messages in the middle of the night. She is threatened by my relationship with my son which has become pretty much non existent lately. She has a 22 year old daughter who displays some of the same symptoms, and they have an 11 year old together. I am very close to my younger granddaughter and fear how this is affecting her. I am worried about my son because he has spent the last 13 years trying to keep the peace and keep her calm. What is the best way for me to help him see the problem and help him deal with it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Panda39]

Hi Mary Agnes,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm sorry for what brings you here but know that you aren't alone.  We have other parents/grandparents here experiencing something similar to your situation.

Here is a link to another member's thread who is experiencing somthing like you are... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331243.0

How did you discover BPD?  I'm here because my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  I discovered BPD by Googling "Chronic Lying"... .and the BPD shoe unfortunately fit.

None of us here can diagnose your Daughter in law (DIL) but her behaviors and the dynamic of their marriage does sound familiar.  As you visit with us and read the posts of others you will find we all have an awful lot in common.
You unfortunately have alcoholism added to the mix which is not helpful and complicates things even further.

Your son's lack of contact with you to me could be a couple of things... .one is shame/embarrassment of finding himself in this dysfunctional relationship.  I was married to an alcoholic and I tried to hide the dysfunction from my family both to protect them from worrying and because I was embarrassed.  The other reason could be that your son's wife is jealous of his relationship with you.  Folks with BPD have a lot of black and white thinking.  So she can not see that your son can love you and her, she can only see that he loves you or her.  So to prove to her that he loves her he lessens his contact with you.

What is your contact with your son like these days?  Have you been able to talk to him at all about what is going on with his wife?  Or does he not feel comfortable talking about it?  Has your DIL ever attended Therapy?  Have they ever tried Marriage Counseling at all? Are you able to see your granddaughter regularly?  How do you feel she is doing?

I would not mention that you have discovered BPD and label your DIL BPD, this will likely put your son & DIL on the defensive.  I encourage you to focus on the behaviors, continue to educate yourself.  The members here all have someone with BPD/BPD Traits in our lives, there is a lot of support, tools, and strategies that we can share that can help.

Link to more info on BPD in-laws... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285794.0

I hope to hear more from you about your story and I know other members will chime in soon. 

Again Welcome,
Panda39

[Feeling Better]

Hello Mary Agnes

I would like to join Panda39 in welcoming you here and to say that I am sorry to hear about what brings you here. I know full well what it feels like to be ostracised and my heart goes out to you.

You are in a very difficult situation and you are quite rightly concerned about how it is affecting your 11 year old granddaughter. You say that you are very close to her, do you get to spend a lot of time with her?

Do you feel that your relationship with your son has become virtually non existent lately due to him trying to appease his wife and keep the peace in their home?

The nasty text messages she sends you in the middle of the night, are these, do you think, a result of her having too much to drink? Do you respond to these messages?

What is the best way for me to help him see the problem and help him deal with it?

I completely understand why you are asking this question, sadly you can only help your son if he asks for it, to do otherwise could drive a deeper wedge in your relationship with him x 

[Mary Agnes]

Thank you for your replies. I do think my son is embarrassed but I am not sure he will admit it. As far as counseling, she has recently had some, but he has not. As far as the text messages, she is drunk, and no, I have not responded to any of them. Most of them come when we have had a disagreement about something, but some come out of the blue. A few months ago, our granddaughter was staying the weekend with us. On Saturday morning when I got up, I had 3 back to back phone calls from her at 3:45 that morning. Nothing had happened between us; we actually hadn’t had any contact with each other for a while. For the first time, I called my son on Monday morning and asked him why she had called. He sounded exasperated and said, “I don’t know, mama, I was in the bed.” I finally told him that if he didn’t take care of it, I would. I told him that this was harassment and that I was actually becoming scared of her. On Tuesday night around 10:30, she sent me a nasty Facebook private message. That was when my husband FINALLY stepped in. For the 2nd and final time, I blocked her cell phone and defriended her on Facebook. My husband told her she needed counseling and she agreed and he also told her she needed to be in AA. She didn’t comment on that one. He actually paid her deductible for 6 sessions which she finished about a month ago. I feel like she mostly talked about all of the stress she is under, and she is. Her mother is in a nursing home because of a stroke and my daughter-in-law spends a lot of time there and she has a brother with severe emotional problems and has called her several times saying he is going to commit suicide. She and my husband started communicating mainly about how things were going and about her counseling, and then 2 weeks ago she put something on instagram (very mature, right) directed at him. He called her and told her that she was no longer welcome in our house. I have spoken to my son briefly over the phone and told him that we didn’t want to lose him over this. His response was, “That’s not going to happen. I am right here.” But he’s not right here. For the first time, they didn’t come for Thanksgiving, which is understandable, but he didn’t even call to wish his family a Happy Thanksgiving. All of this being said, I am planning on going this Friday to see him. They live 45 minutes away. He knows I am coming but I don’t know how much time he will give me. I mainly want to talk to him about the importance of our family and tell him that he needs to open up. We need to talk about how we’re going to handle Christmas, and for him to please not cut himself off from us. We have plans to have our granddaughter come for the weekend also. So far, my daughter-in-law has not tried to keep her away from us. I really need advice about what to say to my son on Friday. I read where you said not to mention BPD to him. I just want him to open up. I think he is afraid that I am going to tell him that he needs to leave her which I have never said and have no plans to.

[Feeling Better]

I really need advice about what to say to my son on Friday. I read where you said not to mention BPD to him. I just want him to open up. I think he is afraid that I am going to tell him that he needs to leave her which I have never said and have no plans to.

I would say, in my opinion, keep it light and rather than tell him he needs to open up, maybe ask if he wants to (you don’t want to appear confrontational). I certainly wouldn’t offer any advice unless it is asked for and I wouldn’t mention BPD.

What makes you think that he is afraid that you will tell him to leave her, even though you never have nor plan to do so?

FB x