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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: D12 will be back to me 100% in 120 days  (Read 248 times)
Mutt
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« on: December 07, 2018, 02:35:39 PM »

For those of you that are not familiar with an early intervention case conference it was a pilot project a little while back - essentially it's you your ex and the judge in a courtroom by yourself, it's casual the judge is there as mediator.

My ex did not have my D12 return since last February since she came as out as transgender, I had no heads up the ex didn't mention it and there was nothing indication that she was I didn't handle her coming out very well I could tell by the look on her face she was hurt with how I invalidated her she dropped a bomb although I reacted like many others would.

There was an interim order issued in the summer when a few months after my D12 came out, my ex didn't let me have the kids on my time for 4 days she said that maybe it would be best for one kid to be with her and maybe two kids with me full time. I said this is not the way to do it (trying to use the kids as pawns) I told her to file in court in the meantime I filed to enforce the court order because if I had done nothing then she would have thought that the next time if she does the same thing nothing will happen and she'll do it again.

The judge misinterpreted what I said she issued an interim order that said that it was up to D12 to have access and the father will not ask for access.

The problems that I was facing was that D12 was saying things about me like I don't know how to parent that were coming from her mom, she wouldn't respond for the first couple of months and my ex wouldn't let me see her until this close date was getting closer. It's frustrating how she broke the law and kept the child but because that became the defacto for the child that I can't go back to one week on and one week off with her the goods is that it's going to be a gradual return to that over 4 months, month 1 we have supper every wednesday and every second friday with her brothers, month 2 same thing but she sleeps over friday to saturday on switch on switch off days month 3 same thing but she sleeps until monday morning and I bring her to school and month 4 it's back to switch on and switch off days friday to friday she'll be with the other kids one week with me and one week with mom.

This is in the court order the judge said that it has to be followed I said it's frustrating my D12 was not returned to me the kids didn't come back to me for 4 days over the summer, the cops wouldn't help and the courts wouldn't help.

This is not over my ex filed a custody and access claim and wants to be solely responsible for the education / medical needs of the kids ( full custody?) and go from having the kids with me for a week and with her for a week to have me have access to the kids every second saturday during school months and have week on / week off during summer break. That's the middle of next month in special chambers.

That being said if we were going by the norm today my basically has full custody of D12 because she wouldn't send her back and they didnt want to immediately go to 50 with D12 because it's too sudden I cannot see custody and access changing from the way that it is today, there are no changes in circumstances and I don't think that revamping the kids schedule radically again after the seperation 5 years ago is good for them
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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2018, 01:08:05 PM »

This is good news. I’ve been following the story. The ramp up is logical. Very happy for you, Mutt.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2018, 03:45:08 PM »

Hi WTL,

Thanks, yes some good news finally    D12 said I love you dad in a text I have not heard that from her in a long time. ExuBPDw asked about Christmas and when I wanted D12 there I asked for the 24th to the 26th, I have the kids this Christmas this year she said that she didn't want her there until the 26th and threatened to just have the supper on Wednesday D12 asked if she could stay the week leading up to Christmas. I'll see what happens.

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« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2018, 04:03:48 PM »

I’m trying to work through the Christmas schedule with my ex as well.

It’s got to feel great to hear her say “I love you dad.” I can’t imagine your struggle with all of this. Man, I don’t know how I’d react if my son comes out as something that he’s really not.

D12 said I love you dad in a text I have not heard that from her in a long time

That’s great. I bet that took some stress out of your belly. Possibly a big sigh of relief?

I hope that everything works out in your’s and your kids favor, Mutt. Happy Holidays, right?
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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2018, 04:40:24 PM »

Man, I don’t know how I’d react if my son comes out as something that he’s really not.

I never anticipated this, a few years ago when all of this happen with the break-up I knew that there were going to be problems with exuBPDw this was a curve ball. My  exuBPDw has been pressuring me about consent for testosterone I said that I want to get a second opinion and I want to ask some questions, what are the side effects? What if D12 changes her mind in a couple of years?

D12 said I love you dad in a text I have not heard that from her in a long time

That’s great. I bet that took some stress out of your belly. Possibly a big sigh of relief?

Yes I was worried because we have a good r/s or had it was only when I met my gf and D12 knew about it because she saw me talking to her in her car in the parking lot at my old place this is when all of this started too my exuBPD is jealous, she left me we were still married and she had a baby with a different man. She made her choices I warned her the day that she told me that she was going to leave, I told her that she didn't know the effects that that decision is going to have on everything.

A huge part of the relief is the helplessness I felt with the parental alienation some of the things that D12 was saying was not coming from her it was coming from exuBPDw i thought that that was going to get worse at least now if she's at my house I can have influence on her.

I think that exuBPDw is doing this for money because her bf left her or she left him, she made significantly more in her income this last year about 20 thousand more so that means that child support is going to go down, trying to take S10 out of daycare, daycare is expensive. I feel she was trying to wear me down and I would give up and say you can have full custody of the kids, it's like she was trying to push my boundaries and find a weak spot to exploit.

I'm just glad that this is all over I do have special chambers next month she wants to change custody and access I'm not worried about that date it will be over after that this judge proved that I wasn't going to lose access and custody how is that going to change in a months times? I learned a lesson in all of this the next time I will file immediately, I was trying to give D12 space I didn't want her to think that I was controlling if I enforced the court order, it just further alienated her from me, it was almost 5 months until I filed. I'm not doing that again.

I hope that everything works out in your’s and your kids favor, Mutt. Happy Holidays, right?

Happy holidays!   Speaking of holidays how is sorting out the holidays WTL going?
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« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2018, 05:44:12 PM »

Oh, I suppose the holidays will go fine. Relaxed and quiet with a visit to my best friend. Nice and quiet for the little guy.

I never anticipated this, a few years ago when all of this happen with the break-up I knew that there were going to be problems with exuBPDw this was a curve ball.

I’ve been reading your story on this. There is no way that you could’ve anticipated this. Especially not when mom knew and dumped it on you. Abuse by proxy in my opinion.

Yes I was worried because we have a good r/s or had it was only when I met my gf and D12 knew about it because she saw me talking to her in her car in the parking lot at my old place this is when all of this started too my exuBPD is jealous,

Maybe it’s possible that your daughter relayed your gf to mom. If mom is the jealous type and presents with a PD, yeah, she wants your balls.

I warned her the day that she told me that she was going to leave, I told her that she didn't know the effects that that decision is going to have on everything.

This hits home with me. My eyes are welling. I told S4’s mom the same thing.

The alienation can be snuffed out by you being you. I worry about that as well, but when I get S4 home, he settles right in.

Man, I don’t know much about your child wanting to be transgender. I do know that you’re up against a wall of political correctness and family law.  Thoughts on that?
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« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2018, 08:37:07 PM »

D12 said I love you dad in a text I have not heard that from her in a long time.

Could this be her finally feeling she it is safe to express herself? that her mother's total control was weakened by the court?  Or from another perspective, she's glad you didn't capitulate.
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« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2018, 09:14:22 PM »

Could this be her finally feeling she it is safe to express herself? that her mother's total control was weakened by the court?  Or from another perspective, she's glad you didn't capitulate.

I think this might be like what you and other senior members have said over the years: don't give up on your kids.    even if a kid is alienated now,  they will likely know later that you fought for them.  On PSI, we have many members who to this day resent the other parent for aquiescing to the disturbed parent,  even when no divorce was made.  This is in addition to those who later reconnected with alienated parents and family members. 

Good news Mutt! It's a major blade of green grass.  
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« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2018, 10:04:30 PM »

Hi Mutt.  I am very happy to read such good news for you!  I may not post to you much but I do follow you story.  This is great news.   
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