What’s wise mind dbt approach out of this?

[snowglobe]

Here comes my kitchen sink; for those of you have remember me, my uBPDh and I have very turbulent relationships to say the least. Separate thanks goes to the forum members who have equipped me with practical tools long enough to get help through dbt course and individual counseling. Another note- after reading a book “controlling people”, it felt like I was watching a movie with subtitles about my life, where it was all explained to me. I have been a teddy to my uBPDh and he has been trying to steady himself by gripping his control tighter on me, to make himself feel safe. Hence immediate intimidation Tactics to make teddy complient and familiar all over again. My anxiety had reached the highs where my therapist was seriously suggesting medication as a short term acting agent. I don’t want to depend on any substance to provide myself with relief from a mental illness, I’m confident that once my life’s circumstances will change, so will my cptsd and anxiety.
I turn to you to mirror my settings and the “wise mind” on handling it better through dbt lense.
We used to live between two major cities, my uBPDh was running a public company, he is also a shareholder in the same company.
With the market crush of the type of business he is in, his stock list 80% of its value. He was also released from his position in the company, the board found cheaper people who are able to handle logistics for lesser value and on site. To rephrase- my uBPDh company, which was subcontracted, was fired.
UBPDh is devastated, all of his high hopes of making it huge vanished slowly but steadily. His crypto currencies are now worth nothing, his shares aren’t sellable and he is cycling between mixed episode and depression.
When I try to speak to him to sell and salvage the remainder of our crypto currencies his reply is “I’d rather burn in hell with my money so you don’t have any access to it”, which I don’t, he keeps in securily hidden, with passwords and additional security.
He is compulsively checking the rate of the crypto market, as well as his stock, refreshing the page every 5 min or so... .which adds the fuel to him feeling like a failure. When a year ago he went public, and chose to take the shares instead of being bought out, I begged him to lawyer up. At that time he could afford one. He told me”stupid woman, you know nothing, know your place, these guys will make me millionaire and I’m gonna make it big”. Just like any other story of ours, this one is no exception. He lost everything.
This morning he told me” I want you to take 1/4 out of our joint mortgage so I can buy more crypto currency”
My reply was: first quiet
He asked again, I want you to  take the money out
My reply was “can I buy a lottery ticket instead?”
His reply : go f yourself, you f ing bitch, don’t even come close or near me, never, get out of my sight, get out of my life, it’s all your fault that I was fired, you wanted it, now you will deal with the consequences”

He is in a very pissy mood, snapping at me every time he sees me “get out of my sight”, he is also getting ready to play violent video games, which is a huge problem. He puts it on loud, so the kids, my parent or I can’t get any sleep. He is getting himself hyped up and then comes to the bedroom cussing and throwing things around.
I have a test tomorrow, which I’m struggling to prepare for, I’m also minutes away from yelling back at him. I am struggling and I need help and coping strategies not to make this bad situation worse.
Any advice?

[AskingWhy]

Snowglobe, I thoroughly understand what you are going through.

My uBPD H, and his Cluster B adult children, have often made a mess of their lives from poor choices and lifestyles.  

I now know MY financial safety, should we divorce, is paramount. I would not allow my BPD H to do anything foolish with joint finances.  (I own my own business, but the car insurance is joint; one DUI from H and it would cancel my business insurance.)

Your financial safety should be your paramount priority.  Do not jeopardise your financial security by letting your H do unwise things with your joint money.    You should not pay for your H's financial irresponsibility.  (In my case, one step child is addicted to drugs and alcohol.  H had given cars, apartment rent, rehab money only to have that child wind up on the streets after having sold the apartment furniture for drugs.)

One thing I have come to understand that pwBPD, at various times, can exhibit aspects of the other personality disorders, including paranoid, avoidant and antisocial.

pwBPD are irrational and sometimes show some aspects of antisocial PD.  For instance, H wanted me to alter a document so one of his children could get resident fees for college tuition.  H said he wanted "help" for his child, and when it dawned on me what he wanted, I flatly refused and said he was out of his mind.  

H and I have separate finances and we only have access to each other's tax documents.  On his own, H took out loans on a new motor cycle and a new sports car.  He paid a nice down paymen on each, I am sure, but he still owes quite a lot on both of them.  His best friend bought a new cycle and sports car, so having no identity of his own, H did the same like a copy cat.  

My H also rages and uses me as his verbal punching bag, but now I know the best response is no response.  When H rages and breaks items from furniture to glass dishwareor punches holes in walls, I simply state, "Well, it looks like you have some cleaning to do," and leave the room.  I don't rage or snap back.  (In the past, I would cry and beg to talk things out, taking the blame for whatever H was made at me about.)  That is what he would want--fuel for his fire.

I have found that BPDs need an audience when they act out. Without an audience, there is no performance.  No tinder, no fire.  My H calms down when I leave and soon after, he is breaking out the vacu um and mop to clean the mess from his tantrum.

I know your H is hurting from his financial woes and losses, but it's not appropriate to project his rage onto you, nor continue his foolishness with your joint income.

These are my strategies on dealing with an H who is raging and dysregulating.  IMO, if H is in a pissy mood, let me pout.  If he rages and name calls, I will ignore him.  Again, no tinder, no fire. 

I wish you peace in finding a solution.    

[babyducks]

I need help and coping strategies not to make this bad situation worse.
Any advice?

very simply Snowglobe I would suggest you put, and keep as much physical distance between you and your husband as you reasonably can.    it appears that you are a trigger for him.    and that contact with you increases his dysregulation.

allow him to (perhaps) return to a more stable baseline by himself.   I am not suggesting leave him.   I am suggesting simple things like go outside and shovel the driveway.    go to the library and study.   take the kids to skating rink.   or the park.   find a way to keep one room in the house between you.   if he is playing violent video games... .leave the room.     just leave.   go to the basement and give it that cleaning out that it's needed.    allowing him to be alone with his own feelings is not cruel.    it's actually helpful.    and it keeps him from using you as an outlet for his frustrations and anger.

leave him alone, build some distance between you, so that you are both not bouncing off each other.

My anxiety had reached the highs where my therapist was seriously suggesting medication as a short term acting agent. I don’t want to depend on any substance to provide myself with relief from a mental illness, I’m confident that once my life’s circumstances will change, so will my cptsd and anxiety.

I would suggest another look at this topic.   mental illness is not a lack of will power, it's not a defect of character, it's not a sign of weakness, it's not a moral failing.    it's an illness.    and medication is sometimes warranted.   any medication decision should be made carefully.    but if medicaiton helps, why wouldn't you take it?

'ducks

[Notwendy]

I am glad you read the book "controlling people" and are seeing a therapist.

I agree with babyducks- when he is dysregulated, he will take his frustrations out on you. I don't think there is a way for you to calm him when he is like this, and he needs to learn to calm himself. While violent video games may not be the ideal way- nobody gets hurt when he does that, no drugs or illegal activities are involved. Of all his coping mechanisms, this is the safest and so if this is what he does, it's the better option and in his state, it's a good thing he will do it and not hurt someone or himself. What about a headphone set? There are many good ones on the market. It will keep the noise down. If he refuses and turns it up, I suggest white noise machines, earplugs for the rest of the family as it seems there is no controlling him.

[snowglobe]

Thank you everyone for the replies. He never came to our bedroom last night, instead slept in the couch. I have an exam tonight, so my plan is to go to university and study in the library. No physical presence- he will have to self regulate. In addition, we have a trip coming up on a week. A vacation which was supposed to last 3 weeks. With this sudden news of him being fired and his stock plummeting into a black hole he mentioned several times that the “vacation is cancelled”. Also, when I do see him, do I keep it breaf, informative, friendly? Is is giving me silent treatment, do I still try to engage?

[Notwendy]

I'd say- give him the space he needs to calm down. If he's giving you the ST- leave him alone. Don't try to engage him. This doesn't mean reacting by giving him the ST back but respecting his wish to not engage. When you come home, say something brief, non dramatic, and then go about your business.

You know his pattern of dysregulating when you have an exam. Is there any way you can protect that boundary? Not come home until it is over? If you have to come home briefly to check on the kids- go home but get out before he stirs something up? Your exam has to be a main priority if you are to be able to take it.

If he is in financial peril, it may not be wise to take a 3 week vacation when there isn't money to pay for it. Also, do you really want to go away with him when he is like this? It may be better for everyone to stay home and have their own routines, ( and space) than to be somewhere else. Your son is on the spectrum and won't be at his best in a non familiar place. Neither will your H.

[snowglobe]

I'd say- give him the space he needs to calm down. If he's giving you the ST- leave him alone. Don't try to engage him. This doesn't mean reacting by giving him the ST back but respecting his wish to not engage. When you come home, say something brief, non dramatic, and then go about your business.

You know his pattern of dysregulating when you have an exam. Is there any way you can protect that boundary? Not come home until it is over? If you have to come home briefly to check on the kids- go home but get out before he stirs something up? Your exam has to be a main priority if you are to be able to take it.

If he is in financial peril, it may not be wise to take a 3 week vacation when there isn't money to pay for it. Also, do you really want to go away with him when he is like this? It may be better for everyone to stay home and have their own routines, ( and space) than to be somewhere else. Your son is on the spectrum and won't be at his best in a non familiar place. Neither will your H.

Not Wendy, thank you for the break down, luckily I have the cancellation insurance on the trip, it’s supposed to happen next weekend, so I will play it by ear to see if I need to cancel the entire thing.
He baited me and I almost took the hook- I told him about something I needed to exchange at the store for him- his reply was “can you  stop talking to me, for good?. The kind of wife I have right now, I don’t need at all!”. I almost jumped, as if I was struck by the lightening bolt. My immediate drive was :” what kind of wife is that? What do you need me to do so you would keep me?” Jesus, so many emotions. Hurt, resentment, hate even! I spent last two years propping him up, supporting him, cooking, cleaning, nursing, to hear that “the kind of wife you seen you don’t need”. Then what kind of wife do you need? So I can be that for  you. I’m sick of reinventing myself so he will accept that. What a nasty sick man, always on my exam. Never happy with anything, miserable and bitter. He will surely amps up his game sometime down the road, threats of divorce, treating me like I have a plague

[Notwendy]

The sooner you can not react to what he says to you, the better you will be able to keep your composure. When you react, you add fuel to this drama and reinforce what he says to you.

What kind of wife does he need? Who knows but you don't have to reinvent yourself to be someone you are not. To not react to what he says takes boundaries- knowing what is you and what is not you- him. Just because he says something about you- does not make it true. I know this is hard for you considering how you grew up and the fact that you started a relationship at such a young age. But he doesn't define you.

I think I have posted here before- but if he accused you of being a pink elephant - would you feel hurt? I hope you could be certain you are not a pink elephant and him saying you are will not make you one. If you were to defend yourself or react, you would in a sense verify that his perception could be true. Maybe you are a pink elephant? That would be sharing the delusional thinking. When someone isn't thinking rationally- you have to hold on to your own sense of reality, or the two of you will spin out of control.

When he says " you aren't the kind of wife I want". Well OK. you aren't to him in the moment, but that doesn't say anything about you, just about him. "can you stop talking to me for good" - well if he tells you to leave him alone, leave him alone. That is respecting his boundary. When someone tells you who they are- believe him. Let him be alone for a while. You don't need to leave him for good or react. Simply say" I understand and I will let you be" and then let him be.

We have to have a filter when people say things to us. Are they true? or are they not? If not, then what they say doesn't make them true. When he says something untrue to you, mentally trade that for "pink elephant". Ok well he said it, but it isn't true. Leave it alone.

[snowglobe]

The sooner you can not react to what he says to you, the better you will be able to keep your composure. When you react, you add fuel to this drama and reinforce what he says to you.

What kind of wife does he need? Who knows but you don't have to reinvent yourself to be someone you are not. To not react to what he says takes boundaries- knowing what is you and what is not you- him. Just because he says something about you- does not make it true. I know this is hard for you considering how you grew up and the fact that you started a relationship at such a young age. But he doesn't define you.

I think I have posted here before- but if he accused you of being a pink elephant - would you feel hurt? I hope you could be certain you are not a pink elephant and him saying you are will not make you one. If you were to defend yourself or react, you would in a sense verify that his perception could be true. Maybe you are a pink elephant? That would be sharing the delusional thinking. When someone isn't thinking rationally- you have to hold on to your own sense of reality, or the two of you will spin out of control.

When he says " you aren't the kind of wife I want". Well OK. you aren't to him in the moment, but that doesn't say anything about you, just about him. "can you stop talking to me for good" - well if he tells you to leave him alone, leave him alone. That is respecting his boundary. When someone tells you who they are- believe him. Let him be alone for a while. You don't need to leave him for good or react. Simply say" I understand and I will let you be" and then let him be.

We have to have a filter when people say things to us. Are they true? or are they not? If not, then what they say doesn't make them true. When he says something untrue to you, mentally trade that for "pink elephant". Ok well he said it, but it isn't true. Leave it alone.

NotWendy,
Thank you so much for your feedback, I’m struggling with separating myself from him. As someone who has been living the entire life as the “teddy”, I’m conditioned to change in accordance to the situation and circumstances. That being said, I’m also crushing under the silent treatment and the ignore part. What hurts me the most, is the fact that he is the reason for his financial befall, his vanity and greed blind sided him to the point of making him feel invincible, he never bothered to stop and question the “cheese”, of being offered the shares in the public company in exchange for the actual equity in his own company which he merged with the public one. He feel under the spell, as Pinnochio and now hates me for “making it happen”?. Because I never wanted to go to another city to work, I brought this on us?. I wish I had that kind of power of influencing the events. When he doesn’t look at me, or looks through me, it hurts me deeply, when he leaves the mrital bed and sleeps on the couch, I feel rejected, when he spits the profanities at me, I feel my own anger build up. I will start reading the “high conflict couple” manual, see my therapist next week, but at the end of the day, all I want is the “normal” relationships with my partner

[Notwendy]

The silent treatment is tough, but it is a situation only he can control. It also works for him as he knows it is upsetting to you. It's hard to get through it if we are conditioned to be upset by it but you can do it. The ST was a favorite of my BPD mothers and it worked very well for my H when he did it. It actually took the support of my 12 step co-dependency sponsor to get me to detach from it. It doesn't bother me any more. That may seem unbelievable but it can happen. You still have the option of attending these groups near you to help you with your side of the relationship.

Your H has the tendency to project his bad feelings, or soothe himself with drugs, video games, and sex. The least hurtful of all of these are the video games. Why wouldn't he continue the behaviors that have worked for him for years? This is what he does when he is upset. You've been his Teddy out of fear of things getting out of control. These are genuine fears- and you have to consider your safety and the safety of your family  if you change your behaviors. I hope you are working with a therapist on what to do- as he/she can best advise you in this situation. The financial issues are serious- and your H is in a lot of stress himself. You've been advised before to consult professionals for help- a lawyer for the financial issues and divorce threats, and also a therapist for the potentially dangerous actions your H might take.

In the moment, I hope you can see that your H's behaviors and what he says, or the ST are more about him than about you. He's projecting a lot on you. The less you can take what he says personally, the less hurtful it is.