Recently dumped by undiagnosed ex girlfriend

[Foolish man]

Hi
I am completely broken and need help. My ex girlfriend and I have split 2 and a bit weeks ago and I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. I am a mid forties guy and my girlfriend was 20. I know ... .  we were only together for 3 months and then suddenly bang it was over . I have done lots of research and truly believe she has BPD. She was abandoned by parents at an early age , then in foster care, then adopted by what she says are unloving parents. I am her 3rd older boyfriend in the last 2 years. We started talking whilst she was splitting from her last boyfriend due to her infidelity. ( he was keen to stay together ) . Our relationship became intense almost immediately, both wanting to spend all our time together and then she moved in very quickly. It was amazing at first , although I genuinely didn’t think it would last due to the age difference at first , I fell completely head over heels in love, yes sad I know.
She told me all about her past , even how she finished with her ex’s just like that . She also told me that she doesn’t seem to feel sorrow at the end of a relationship. I didn’t think this would happen to me ... .
quickly she started buying things for the house, painting the walls , including leaving messages like will you marry me on the walls , talk of pregnancy and baby’s quickly followed. This did worry me a bit but she had already said she wanted children . I already have 2 (who live with me half the time and aren’t that keen on her , due to how she spoke to me etc ) but I was prepared to talk about it , only if we had been together for a significant amount of time , but everything seemed to be now . That’s what she wanted instant gratification . Obviously the sex was amazing for me , but I can’t say it was for her all the time . She said sex wasn’t that important to her .
As time went on she fell out with her work colleagues and as knee jerk reaction left her job. She didn’t ever contribute to the house bills, food, or chores at all . And just sat around watching tv during the day , whilst we messaged each other 100’s of times a day .
Her phone was always face down and on silent and the majority of her friends are male ( who I was told not to worry about ) . She still went out whenever she wanted with her few female friends and someone’s her male friends ( I’m not joe ally jealous) . Always on snapchat chatting to people , messenger messages from lots of mostly blokes , she said she replied just to not seem to look horrible , but clearly not .
Than she got a new job in a restaurant ( guy she dated who is now a friend)  and then after working nights in a care home .
We still messaged a lot but didn’t see much of each other . She had a few nights out with some friends she had rediscovered and we had a few mini rows about people messaging her  , the guy she cheated with was always trying to tell her loved her and would leave his family for her etc )
Many of the things she talked about with my children 12 and 10 were not very appropriate and their mother was getting concerned ) also at this time her sister who she had been fostered with and adopted with had an abusive drunk boyfriend who she was seeing but trying to get away from . He had broken into her flat (. Not known by my ex) and she had asked me to go there and close a window ( which the sister had left open so he could get in ) he showed me the texts to say so . I then came home and shouted at my ex saying she had other priorities like my girls not just to pander to her sisters games ( it was wrong I know that as her sister is her only family ,but I was annoyed ).
Next day I popped out to go to school pick up and when I came home the affair guy was at my back door talking to my ex , he was shaking but said that he had heard the break in fella wanted to hurt me and my ex , all this was in front of the girls as well ( probably not his real reason for being here )
Again I said I didn’t wants this kind of thing around the girls .
Next day she comes back from a 3 hour chat with her friend ( I don’t know where she was ) she was nasty about everything , food , me , house etc . So asked what was up and is there something else she wanted to say . And she said yes it’s over , I don’t love you ... .
We talked for a bit and she just said is want what she wanted anymore , and that we didn’t talk , and that her feelings had changed . She didn’t really explain much just shrugged and looked at her feet, totes with things and dig her nails in her hands ( she told me she self harms and had once tried suicide)
We went to bed ,but now it was clothed and back to me .  We continued like this for a couple of days then she was on nights .
I tried to talk to her about it , but she just says it’s over .
Then Saturday night we a night arranged with my friends and she came along ... .I had to leave for the the babysitter and she stayed with my fiends til late then came home to bed .
Soon after she moved out to her sisters .  We still talk most days by message or on the phone , she initiated when she wants something and I do most of the initiating .
I asked her for a drink a couple of days ago , she came out , all dressed up and drank a lot , but was messaging on her phone most of the evening . So there is already someone else
She also told me that all her recent ex’s have been back in contact including the affair guy ... .
and here I am completely and utterly ruined . .  Can’t sleep, can’t think of anything else , miserable , feeling like my heart is being ripped out , all my plans ruined , and that it’s all my fault because I didn’t. Make enough allowances .  I’m pretty sure I had been a complete walkover before , so now I also feel foolish . Whilst she is happy , moving on. , but still. Liking my posts of Facebook etc . I am trying to be brave , I have said I will help her when she finally moves her stuff out . Also financially at first , but I’m not sure she will accept that now , or that if I want to .
I am desperate ,deviating from wanting her back to wanting this all to stop ... .  I don’t sleep , I have lost 1/2 stone , work is a massive effort and I am being a horrible dad
help please
I am even worried about posting this as it has so much detail in it

[once removed]

hi Foolish man, and

im glad you took the step of reaching out. the thing that was probably most critical in my recovery was a strong support system. this sounds like an intense, whirlwind romance, and that can leave a big void. i hope youll stick around and make yourself part of the family here, and that we can help you to feel less alone in your struggles and get to steady ground.

as part of your support system, it would be a good idea to see a therapist, and possibly visit with your doctor. about 70% of members arrive here depressed, and i know from experience that depression, not eating or sleeping, all kind of contribute to each other, make everything worse, and the simplest things can feel like trying to move a mountain. it does get better, though.

We still talk most days by message or on the phone , she initiated when she wants something and I do most of the initiating .

is this the nature of most of the conversations? how do you feel about it?

[Foolish man]

I have tried not to let her know how bad I am feeling, I did this mainly to protect her as I think she is vulnerable , probably not though and the folorn hope that we may have a chance to get back together.
She saw I was awake at 3 this morning and sent me a message asking why I was up so late . It’s things like that , that confuse me , if she wasn’t interested why would she message ... .

[once removed]

It’s things like that , that confuse me , if she wasn’t interested why would she message ... .

its hard to say, Fm.

what would you like to see happen here? are you trying to reverse the breakup?

[Foolish man]

Part of me would  because I have such strong feelings for her , but if I search deeper I know it’s not right , my parents , children , friends would all be against it now

[Foolish man]

But I also feel responsible for her, I know I had my part to play in a fast and unlikely whirlwind relationship , also I don’t want her to feel abandoned by another person, even tho she doesn’t want me

[once removed]

we have an article here on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD. within that article, are ten common beliefs many of us have during the breakup, that can keep us stuck. id encourage you to read it here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

this is belief number nine:

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

what are your thoughts?

[Foolish man]

By the way thank you for your replies
I think this is very pertinent , I am not sure of my intentions , as I am not sure if my own thoughts at the moment. Oddly when I see her to speak I am fairly  confident and not falling apart , this could be something to do with my own issues, something I need to look into .
She hasn’t said anything nasty ( except the odd small row) I fact she messaged me earlier , wanting to come to the house to do something she could probably get someone else to do and it was polite and friendly . But I have no idea what she is saying to others about me as we have different circle of friends.
Since then she has put a provocative Facebook post up , but there is usually some sort of drama going on , mostly nothing to do with me . I sent a message saying all ok ?And no reply this time so ... .who knows , I regret sending it now as I haven’t been the initiator today as I am trying to create some distance

[once removed]

sometimes a slow backing off (limited contact) is preferable, and more practical, than a big or announced cut off (no contact). it sounds like the two of you are on friendly terms, so theres no reason to blow that up, but it also sounds like you could use some space to heal.

what do you think?

[Foolish man]

Yes I think that is what most likely will happen. I am so up and down that I don’t trust my own judgement . I have started a new idea of not reacting , stepping back and thinking before I say anything , send any message ,post anything .
Taking back control of me needs to be my first priority
Thank you

[once removed]

I am so up and down that I don’t trust my own judgement .

how are you holding up today? you can work with us to get to steady ground.

[Foolish man]

Hi
After a fairly bad day when all I could do was think about her . I have had a bit of an aphany last night. I pretty sure I saw my ex driving past me in a car, ducking down and hiding in the passenger seat , although I cannot be sure.
She came round this morning to do something in the house and for the first couple of minutes was ok , then when she saw her stuff all boxed up and ready to go she became very distant and uncommunicative.  I had to leave her in my house as I was going to work and she normally would let me know when she had left but didn’t this time .
However after having a chat with a friend about it , I can feel my confidence returning a little . It doesn’t matter if she was the person in the car, she has already moved on and is now just using me whenever she needs something .
I need now to focus on setting my boundaries and carrying on with slow withdrawal.
I can’t remember if I said that during one of our conversations after split , she took pleasure in telling me her ex’s were back in contact and that her previous one still had feeling a for her . I have since heard from someone else that she got back in contact with him , which is helping highlight her behaviours to me and again helping me get over this .
She moves to another town in a month so fingers crossed things are going to get better.
I need to to get back to being me

[once removed]

I need to to get back to being me

it sounds like youre feeling more resolved. feelings can come in waves though, so expect that there may be ups and downs.

whats the plan on getting back to being you?

[Foolish man]

Hi
Yes your not wrong, yesterday strong , today feeling like I’ve had enough ,very emotional. Despite trying little contact , there seems to be some interaction every day. Bumped into her in a coffee shop Saturday , Sunday she tagged me in a Facebook post, all the whilst I am fighting the urge to contact her , wondering what she is doing , who she is with ... .it is driving me mad . The ever pervasive thoughts of her are there all the time .
I try to distract myself , went away Saturday night with the kids to my parents, working etc but still can’t seem to train my brain away .
I am not helping myself , I drink at night just so I can sleep , then wake up tired and grumpy. But if I don’t then I just lie in bed for hours , thinking ... .
She messaged me yesterday , asking for some money to help her get the flat, I had already promised I would help , and it’s not a lot of money, and I want to help but it does make me feel a bit ___ty that she doesn’t want me but does want my help.
Am I being used , maybe , but I offered to help and I don’t go back on promises .
As for me pushing on I am finding it really hard. I’m not sure I have ever focused on my wants and needs , ex wife , then my children , I have always focused on other people and have been a people pleaser. I’m not sure I even know how or what I even want.
I realise I am on a down day, and other days will be better , but I do want this feeling to stop , at the same time I clearly don’t want to detatch either ... .
I feel like by now I should be moving on , I see all the poor things about our relationship , how one sided it was, how little she did for me after the first month , but just focusing on the negatives is also making me feel wretched as well
This doesn’t feel normal .

[Foolish man]

I apologise to anyone reading this who has been dealing with this issues for years rather than months , what I am saying probably sounds trivial compared to your struggles, but I appreciate any advice that others have had moving on

[once removed]

This doesn’t feel normal .

youre having a hard time. they make support groups for this sorta thing.

I feel like by now I should be moving on

dont do this to yourself, its torture. give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling. if you miss her, if you just wanta cry, let it happen. if youre angry and fed up, okay too. but dont "should" yourself. my own recovery got a lot easier when i let go of thinking i was "supposed" to feel one way or another or beat myself up for having rough days.

I am not helping myself , I drink at night just so I can sleep , then wake up tired and grumpy. But if I don’t then I just lie in bed for hours , thinking ... .

getcha some melatonin at your grocery store. drinking to sleep is guaranteed to make it worse. melatonin helped me shut off my mind at night, and a good nights sleep is really critical.

I try to distract myself , went away Saturday night with the kids to my parents, working etc but still can’t seem to train my brain away .

distractions arent bad. maintaining routine, seeing loved ones, being able to fill up your day, all of this can help you get through the days, but a lot of it is going to feel empty, and its not going to help you detach.

the pain cant be pushed away or swept under the rug. it will persist. time can dull the immediacy of the pain, but when that happens, most of us just carry it with us into the next relationship.

detaching takes work, and we have to engage it. id really encourage you to work through your feelings here more regularly, ask questions, get feedback, share what is on your mind, document the ups as well as the downs. additionally, id encourage you to post in the threads of others. being part of a community like this really goes a long way in normalizing our experience, in feeling less alone, more supported, more hopeful, in being part of something bigger than ourselves. having a strong support system was probably the most critical piece of my own recovery.

theres a good chance youre depressed (over 70% of members arrive here depressed), and it would also be a good idea to see your doctor for an evaluation, and to consider booking an appointment with a therapist who can support your work here, and help you get through this.

there is hope, and it does get better, but we have to work it or it can consume us.

what do you think?