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Author Topic: I’m recently divorced from ex wife who is BPD  (Read 211 times)
Sweetpea18

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« on: December 06, 2018, 07:42:44 PM »

I’m new to this, so forgive me if I say a lot, I was married for  four years to a woman that I now figured out has BPD.   She refuses to acknowledge it, and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her, and she is not getting help for it. She is also an alcoholic, but is able to function well and works full time and we have 50/50 custody. We separated in February and our divorce was final in October.  So far we coparent pretty well, there’s no parental alienation, or any issues with regards to withholding our child.   The divorce was very smooth, we didn’t even hire an attorney and we get all our self, so that was also a blessing.  I still find myself ruminating about everything, and missing her, despite some of the her Renda’s behaviors that she exhibited towards me, I often wonder had I known that she had this ailment prior would’ve made a difference, and now that she seen somebody, it’s been really difficult for me to process it and move forward, from what I read on these things it seems to be pretty normal, but does anyone know how long it takes to finally get over this, and wonder what she’s doing or  or the what if’s? 

 Up until recently, she was still telling me that she loves me, trying to be affectionate and intimate with me privately were none of her family or her current boyfriend would Know, I have refused her attemptes the last month,  and so I know it says to go no contact, so that I can disengage, but because of our child, I’m not really able to do that and I find myself still obsessing a bit, anyone have any ideas how to move forward without it affecting me so much?

 I think she does it just to hurt me, she tells me this new guy is everything that I’m not, or was, and she said she’s happy, I just don’t know then why she attempts to contact me, try to engage me if she’s moved forward I’m having trouble with that…

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« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 08:15:18 PM »

Hi Sweetpea18,

Welcome, I am sorry you are struggling, but I’m so glad you decided to become a part of this community.  I think you will find a lot of support here.

It sounds like you have been trying to detach from the relationship except where your child is concerned.  My child is grown, but there are a lot of members going through the same things and I hope they will chime in and give some suggestions and support.

As far as how long it takes to get over a relationship, it’s different for everyone.  It just takes as long as it takes.  I understand wanting to be over it.

Do you have a support/friend network you can depend on?  Exercise, getting rest and generally learning to take good care of myself has helped me.

Again, welcome and feel free to reply to the posts of other members.  That helps to connect with people who have similar experiences.  Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Mustbeabetterway
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Sweetpea18

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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2018, 12:49:21 AM »

Thanks for replying, yes I have been reading other members. I have lots of support, going to counseling, lots of exercise, but I don’t sleep very much, keep waking up with night sweats... i guess some days are better than others.
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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2018, 10:25:11 AM »

Hi Sweetpea18,

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things that will help with your recovery.  I have trouble with sleeping, too. 

You are absolutely right that some days are better than others.  When the bad emotions, unsettling exchanges with my ex, etc. began to not affect me as much and I began to regain my balance more quickly, I knew I had turned a corner.

I have been separated since January and have started to have mostly good days now.  So hang in there, you will make progress.

Mustbe
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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2018, 11:13:28 AM »

Hello Sweetpea18,

I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances that led you to this site. I'm glad you made it here though, so welcome!
I think it's normal to feel and think the things that you described in your initial post. Especially since it's been within a year of your separation.
As far as the "why" she continues to engage affectionately and intimately, only she knows. The thing you can focus on is whether her behaviors and actions are acceptable to you and something you feel is good for you.
How do you feel during and after these encounters with her?

It's also very hard to accept the possibility of our ex being happy and moving on with someone else. The chances of a long term romantic relationship succeeding so soon is pretty rare. People need time to heal and work on their own issues before moving on to another relationship. If you want it to be a happy and fulfilling one anyway.
I'm glad to hear that you've been taking care of yourself physically and have people around you to support you when needed!
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“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2018, 11:27:02 AM »

hi Sweetpea18, i want to join Mustbeabetterway and40days_in_desert and say Welcome

does anyone know how long it takes to finally get over this, and wonder what she’s doing or  or the what if’s?  

time will take away the immediacy and the urgency of the pain. if you surround yourself with a support group, maintain healthy routine as youre able, eat and get good sleep, it will help. Detaching and healing though, are bulls that we have to take by the horns. i hope that youll stick around and make yourself part of the family here; a strong support system was probably the number one factor in my recovery, and you can learn coping tools here, and lessons to take into future relationships after you heal.

I have refused her attemptes the last month,

it takes strength and integrity to do this, but if youre committed to moving on, it will go a long way.

and so I know it says to go no contact, so that I can disengage, but because of our child, I’m not really able to do that and I find myself still obsessing a bit, anyone have any ideas how to move forward without it affecting me so much?

you may be depressed (70% of members arrive here depressed) and as a part of building your support system and recovery, it would be good to see your doctor, and maybe look into finding a good therapist. what are you obsessing about? we have tools here that can help with ruminations.

additionally, as you navigate coparenting, id encourage you to make the most of our Co-parenting/Family Law board, and learn the skills there, they can make a big difference.

she tells me this new guy is everything that I’m not, or was, and she said she’s happy, I just don’t know then why she attempts to contact me, try to engage me if she’s moved forward I’m having trouble with that…

well, this is not strength or integrity on her end  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

its a coping mechanism, and people with traits of this disorder tend to have poor/dysfunctional coping mechanisms. divorce is a big blow for anyone and everyone, and some people handle it more poorly than others. it may be a way of overcompensating for the fact that you rejected her advances, and it may be a way of saying "see, youre missing out".

how do you respond when she does this?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sweetpea18

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« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2018, 11:32:57 AM »

I feel anxiety during the encounters, I try to do the child exchange as quick as possible, and leave. I do my best to limit conversation and be as polite and jovial as I can be, but I think she misinterprets that as an invite for a conversation or that we’re “friends”, which we most certainly aren’t in my mind. I understand she is happy, I think I realized during this whole event that I am a codependent care giver, and she was a taker, so we were a perfect storm of chaos, so to speak. I know I need to heal and work in the fall out and I knew she would move on pretty fast, I just don’t get why she wants to continue to have any ties with me, other than parenting out child. It’s like she knows Exactly when I’m improving and attempts to slow progress. My head knows this is all for the good,things would have gotten worse and worse because she to this day, doesn’t think she did anything wrong, especially for me to leave and divorce her, but my heart still misses her and I still think about her often, but I don’t text or call or reach out in any way....
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« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2018, 11:42:35 AM »

people with BPD traits often have a poor sense of their own, and of other peoples boundaries. so some of it is just inappropriate behavior, with lack of understanding what would be more appropriate and constructive.

if you are reacting, either positively or negatively, this may signal, to her, that there is a connection, and she will work to keep that alive, even in dysfunctional ways.

I think I realized during this whole event that I am a codependent care giver, and she was a taker, so we were a perfect storm of chaos, so to speak.

tell us more about this, and what you realized.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sweetpea18

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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2018, 11:49:57 AM »

I told her I no longer need to hear about her life, other than our daughter. I told her I’m happy for her and wish her well (which is a lie, but I’m working on believing that). As for the custody and court stuff, we haven’t had any issues with that, she doesn’t try and keep our child from me, we share custody and responsibilities easily thus far, I’m not sure what the future holds on that, but she definitely likes to go out and party and live her life, and that is much harder to do with a child full time, so I don’t foresee any issues in the future with that, but I won’t hold my breath...
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Sweetpea18

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« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2018, 11:55:53 AM »

For example at thanksgiving during the exchange, out of sight from our child and her family she ran up and kissed me really quick and told me she loves me...she used to text me that often, always wants to hug me, look at me during our exchanges, when I met the new guy, she called me after to ask me if “you are ok”...I think she forgets I’m the one who left, but, I think she knows there are still feelings, but I don’t act on them and never asked her back...I think there is a part of her that wants me to tell her “I messed up”, and I want her back, but my pride and concern for my kids won’t let me, she is right I’m grieving this much harder than I thought, and the real hard part was when she started dating the other guy, cause I knew that was it, I guess a part of me always thought she would wake up and say to herself “I need help” and get it, I didn’t realize until the last 2 months that she does have BPD, and narcissistic traits, so then I thot, “if I only knew” I wonder if I could have done things different
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« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2018, 12:35:57 PM »

what, specifically, led you to end things with her? what happened when you broke the news?
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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2018, 01:03:10 PM »

Well things had been deconstructing for a very long time, I could not understand why she was so jealous, controlling, untrusting, and possessive.  I had an older child (not hers) and for some reason when our child was born, that event changed the course of their relationship, and mine with her.  It was like she was jealous of the fact that I had an older child that I had to tend too.  She also had 2 older kids, and it felt like we lived 3 different family lives in our household.  Further, she started drinking a lot more and when she would drink (and even sober, but angry) she would get violent, name calling, physical abuse, humiliation, and she was doing that more often and more often, and we were growing apart.  We fought or argued about dumb stuff almost every day and every time she would bring up something from the past or make grandiose statements or assumptions, and I'm not the type to just sit there and take it, and I didn't understand or know she had this problem called "BPD".  I would stick up for myself and argue back with her, I never touched her in an angry way, but I didn't just let her talk to me the way she did.  I just thought she was having hormonal or depression issues from the birth of our child.  She would expect me to text her all day, call her morning, noon and night, tend to her, and I would walk on egg shells all the while seething inside, resenting her.  I became passive aggressive and angry and spiteful.  She is older and had our child at 36, and from what I read and study on BPD, that event could have altered her brain chemistry and could be the reason why the sudden change in her behavior.  Her anger, rage, symptoms got way worse after the birth.  She was controlling and possessive of the baby, falsely accused my child of wanting to "hurt" her sibling, it was unbearable for a long time.  But for some reason we would be intimate, and "all would be ok".  I was living on edge, she was accusing me of doing things I wasn't doing and then I started thinking she was accusing me because she was probably doing them and so I started to get upset.  The straw that broke the camels back was in February, we had a party and my family and friends were over and she got drunk, and in a rage went after my grade school child, called her horrific names (PLEASE READ, PLEASE READ, etc), attempted to grab our toddler and had to be restrained and finally left for 3 days.  After that, my child told me she would never come back to my house again because she was scared of her and I also had to contend with her mother, so I had no choice and I sold the house and gave my ex a large sum of money, to re-establish a new place, as I loved her and didn't want her or my toddler to suffer.  A this time, I was just thankful for the separation, we would still hang out, hook up, do stuff with our child, but I did not allow her to be around my oldest child as my oldest didn't want to be around her.  My ex told me I failed as a man, husband and father because I didn't fix this, bridge the gap, and that I "abandoned" her in her time of need, despite the large sum of money I gave her. To this day, she has never really acknowledged her place in all of this, and feels what she did, did/does not deserve the divorce of our marriage.  She willingly signed the divorce paperwork, did not ask anything financially from me (I think cause she was already dating the new guy), and that was that.  I guess a part of me thought and hoped we wouldn't get divorced, that she would some how "wake up" and think to herself "Dang, I need to fix me", but she didn't do that all, in fact she expected me to beg her back and I think was flaunting the new guy as a grade school attempt to make me jealous so that i would beg her back.  Which my pride would never allow me to do, further, I think and know if I had done that, she would have eventually broke up with me and hurt me as a form of "payback"....I think this is why she likes to rub her new beau in my face when she can...but for me the real grieving didn't begin until the divorce was signed and I knew about him, I guess I'm here now, cause I did not expect to feel the way that I do/did when everything was/is done.  I'm trying to heal the best way I know how, therapy, lost weight, work on the low self esteem, co dependency that seems to have allowed me to tolerate and stay with this woman for the last 6 years.  I really felt like the woman I divorced was not the woman I met and fell in love with.  
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« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2018, 01:20:21 PM »

Well things had been deconstructing for a very long time, I could not understand why she was so jealous, controlling, untrusting, and possessive.

when did this start?

some reason when our child was born, that event changed the course of their relationship, and mine with her.

its a huge life change...in marriage, sometimes a new child (or the introduction of any new party, like say an inlaw moves in, a couple sees a therapist, all sorts of things) can be a stabilizing factor, or a destabilizing one.

physical abuse

how often did this occur, and when did it start? did you ever seek any help for it?

She is older and had our child at 36, and from what I read and study on BPD, that event could have altered her brain chemistry and could be the reason why the sudden change in her behavior.  Her anger, rage, symptoms got way worse after the birth.  She was controlling and possessive of the baby, falsely accused my child of wanting to "hurt" her sibling, it was unbearable for a long time.  But for some reason we would be intimate, and "all would be ok".

well, again, a new child is a huge life change...and yes, women go through a lot of complex stuff before and after birth. there may have been postpartum depression...you mentioned her drinking increased. a person with BPD traits would have a more difficult time than average, coping.

sex can be a stabilizing factor in some cases...it connects us. unfortunately, fighting a lot can connect us, but in dysfunctional ways, so it sounds like you had both worlds.


we had a party and my family and friends were over and she got drunk, and in a rage went after my grade school child
...
After that, my child told me she would never come back to my house again

wow. who could blame her.

I'm trying to heal the best way I know how, therapy, lost weight, work on the low self esteem, co dependency that seems to have allowed me to tolerate and stay with this woman for the last 6 years. 

this is a great plan. i hope that youll work with us to address some of those things on the Learning board where we learn these lessons and apply what we are learning. my relationship ended nearly eight years ago, and while its ancient history now (things do get better), im still learning lessons from it to this day.
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Sweetpea18

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« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2018, 02:05:13 PM »

Started when she started to have feelings for me, but really started after we got engaged and pregnant.  She had a miscarriage and that was very difficult for her.  In fact, she blames the miscarriage, not the possibility of BPD as the catalyst for why her emotions are not in check.  The craziness started when she got pregnant the second time...She would deny any abuse, ever, I have learned the term is "gas lighting", she to this day does the same thing, anytime something is brought up that could possibly paint her in a bad light, she acts like it never happened....I'm just hoping to get to a point where who and what she does, has no effect on me, I guess I'm still grieving the loss of all of it, despite knowing it was the right thing to do.  Not to mention, it feels like she just landed on her feet, no issues, like I didn't matter, cause she could move on so easily, but I'm learning, that with the personality disorder, it's to be expected...she cannot be alone...
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« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2018, 02:30:02 PM »

a miscarriage is also a huge life change. a person not only grieves, and hard, but they can feel self loathing, guilt...and a second pregnancy can resurface all of those fears. these things are already something that someone with BPD traits struggles with, and they would struggle all the more.

She would deny any abuse, ever, I have learned the term is "gas lighting", she to this day does the same thing, anytime something is brought up that could possibly paint her in a bad light, she acts like it never happened....

"gaslighting" is kind of a pop psych term the internet likes to throw around (the internet is full of junk psych and urban legends around BPD), and it can confuse when there are simpler explanations. "denial" is, i think, what you are describing. some people are downright pathological when it comes to living in denial of how their actions effect others, or even themselves. no one wants to see that they are abusive, especially someone that by nature, lives with a lot of shame, and spends a lot of time trying to cast off that shame, onto others.

additionally, when someone is in a dysregulated state, hyper aroused, memories dont really "take". it can be a bit like blacking out. so you may have had a combination of all of this...not wanting to see her own actions, as well as on some level not remembering them. theyre powerful forces.

make sense?

I'm just hoping to get to a point where who and what she does, has no effect on me, I guess I'm still grieving the loss of all of it, despite knowing it was the right thing to do.

its going to be a hard road, no doubt...i suppose it made it easier on me on some level when i accepted that this was gonna be one of the toughest battles of my life, but that i would get through it, and even come out stronger on the other side. you will need a lot of space to do it, and it can be tough when youre coparenting. eventually, you will want to learn those tools, things can be much less stressful with them.

whats the schedule like? how often do you have to interact with her, and how often do you have the kids?
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Sweetpea18

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« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2018, 04:06:33 PM »

Yes ur makes sense, I think she is aware though, because she would apologize later, but then it would happen again, so I can’t say to what seriousness she meant her apologies...The schedule is good, we have 50/50 and split the week up evenly I only have to see her 1x a week on the weekends, or at any special events, but I’m hopint to modify the schedule so we never have to see each other and can get our child at day care instead, but she has been relunctant to agree to that thus far.,
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« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2018, 11:51:23 PM »

I filed for divorce the day before Thanksgiving with my bpd husband of 38 years.  This is extremely difficult some days and then other days, it is not.  I have go keep going back and reminding myself of why I came to this decision.  It was the crazy of the relationship, in the end, that I could not tolerate anymore.  My body has been rebelling this year with health issues.  When I am with my bpd husband, I am confused, lonely, stressed.  His behavior toward me has been abusive over the years as well as decades of deceit and infidelity.  I just do not see a way possible to stay with him,  although my heart would really like to somehow make it work.  I am 58 yrs old, so not young anymore.  At the same time, I keep asking myself if I want to live like this for the rest of my life.  Such an incredibly hard decision.
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« Reply #17 on: December 08, 2018, 01:32:12 AM »

I’m sorry lonely in co, that is a really hard reality,  I’m sorry your going through something like this after such a long marriage, but I will say, it’s never too late to start your life over. I feared a life you experienced, and that’s why I left, albeit, struggling and wondering and mourning the loss the whole way. I have support and help, but the battle in the mind is the hardest one I’m fighting now, but this place and counseling has helped, I thought I was going crazy feeling the way I do, despite leaving such a toxic situation, but I have found comfort learning about BPD, and the difficulty picking up the pieces. I’m scared at times the longing, wondering what she is doing, the ruminating, won’t go away, or that maybe I made a mistake and didn’t do EVERYTHING, I could have to salvage the marriage, and I’m scared I won’t be able to find someone who will love me the way I “thought” she did, but I realize that is cause I lack inside and I need to use this time to work on me, my codependent tendencies and change my perspective, it’s hard, I’ll tell you but I think, believe, hope and have faith that it will happen and happiness and fulfillment in life and a relationship is possible. I did not know what BPD was until after it was too late, but I’m glad I didn’t, cause I think my people pleaser nature would have caused me to stay and endure more and more, as she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her and refuses and denies to accept any responsibility for her actions and behavior, it was and is all my fault...I would not let age stop you, better to live the last years of your life happy than miserable. We didn’t make it to 4 years, and it’s this hard, I can only imagine your agony, I’m sorry, whatever decision you make, it will be hard, but you have support here and genuine care, not to mention, no judgements....
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« Reply #18 on: December 08, 2018, 11:15:50 AM »

Hi everyone.  This is good discussion.  Lonely in Co, my story is almost exactly the same as yours.  Married 38 years and I am 58, as well.  My stbxh and I had a lot of great times together, but there was always the walking on eggshells factor.   I never wanted to divorce him, although I threatened it many times.  He was verbally and occasionally physically abusive when he would be enraged.  I have been waiting for him to move from our home (I am living elsewhere) to file for divorce.  He has finally moved. 

I hate for it to be final, but the future I see with him is filled with pain for me personally and the pain of trying to help him when that seems impossible. 

I am way down the detaching road. When I am not In contact with him, I am feeling pretty great.    Anxiety, for the most part, not bothering me.  I’m laughing, seeing friends and feeling physically well.


 He wants to insist that we work together to sell the house, as there is work to be done, but even speaking with him by text or on the phone makes my chest tight and just this morning, after speaking with him, I began to anxiously pace around the room feeling distraught.  He wants me to feel obligated to make him feel better and pretty much fix things for him.

In the past, I have tried to be detached but also maintain some civil contact with him.  But, I finally realize that to be happy and healthy, I have to protect myself from him and the problems he has. 

It’s difficult.  But, I am getting closer to the  light at the end of the tunnel.

Mustbeabetterway

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« Reply #19 on: December 08, 2018, 07:10:21 PM »

Mustbeabetterway,

Thank you so much for sharing.  I have heard so many stores where the marriages last a few years or maybe even 20 but I really have not heard of anyone married this long and then divorcing for this reason.  It's really more than a lifetime, as our lives have been entertwined with each other for such a very long time.  Lots of good memories, as you mentioned, but also, lots and lots of bad ones.  It's weird, but things are coming back to my mind from decades ago and I am realizing how off the marriage has really been.  Which leads me back to the realization of my codependency.  When he shared the infidelity with me and our family about 8 years ago (I had suspected it all along but was very surprised to see the time frame of it-30 years of infidelity, along with the incredible degradation  with it).  At that time, my great idea that came to my mind was to leave a legacy for our family so that we could all remain a family.  My husband was very remorseful and did a lot of work to get better and to heal our relationship.  We both worked on the marriage etc.  But it seemed that things between us went back to our old ways.  Where I felt no trust for him, I felt like he lied to me, I suspected and also saw inappropriate things that made me feel 'less than'.  I am realizing now because of my great love for family, and also mostly the codependence, that I was afraid to leave him.  I am no longer afraid and believe I can create a decent life for myself.  I absolutely, 100% do not want to be single, do not want our family split up, etc., but it has come to the place in order for me to feel safe, I can no longer be with him.  He keeps offering reconciliation and that if I agree, he will start therapy.  I am saying please just start therapy and then I can see the change in him.  But then he always comes back to me with something like what I am saying is very subjective and rules oriented and me being controlling.  He told me the marriage should be for better for worse.  I am choosing to believe that it ok for me to finally be in a safe, peaceful, comforting environment, even if it just me providing that for me.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I would not say your story is encouraging, but it does make me realize I am not alone anymore. 
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« Reply #20 on: December 08, 2018, 08:20:01 PM »

Mustbeabetterway thank you for sharing, I can empathize with your internal struggle. I was afraid to leave too, afraid fidnmy kids and afraid to be alone. I struggle with co dependency, and I have been gone now for a couple months and at first it was very hard. The anxiety, the longing, the ruminations, wondering what she was doing, who she was doing...but once I left, I realized that I was an addict and she was the drug and the pain and her abuse  was not worth the pain of staying. I have begun to find me again, work out, loose close to 40 lbs, find this place and lean on friends and family who have been instrumental in helping me. Ironically, there has not been 1 person in my life who has told me I should have saved this marriage and that includes my Pastor. Her anger and alcoholism was getting worse and it was only a matter of time for something really bad to happen. I am here to tell you the journey is hard, still is for me, cause I still have to have contact due to co parenting, but each day it gets a bit better, some days are harder than others, but I have a modicum of self respect back and no longer have to walk on egg shells when I pull into the driveway like I used too....
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« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2018, 03:10:00 PM »

hows it going today Sp?
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« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2018, 10:51:37 PM »

Hey once removed, it’s doing ok, today was tough, we had to negotiate the holidays, so I did my best to maintain composure, we agreed, but it took her 2 hours to calm down and text me back cause she got mad cause  I did not initially agree with her demands… But this we have a compromise. I don’t know it just seems like she’s been able to move on and live her life and be happy and that’s a little tough to take maybe because it’s the holidays, and I have come to realize that the family life that I thought I was going to have is not and did not happen and so that’s been kind of difficult, but you know I have good friends and family who are helping me, but it just seems unfair at times because she seems to get away Scott free without any pain if that makes sense…
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« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2018, 10:54:00 PM »

How can one miss someone who didn’t seem to care and mistreated them for so long? I just don’t get it...so frustrating
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« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2018, 11:50:07 PM »

I don’t know it just seems like she’s been able to move on and live her life and be happy and that’s a little tough to take

she copes differently, and shes in a different place. we can never be too sure how all of that is playing out for another person. i wasnt very accurate in what i thought was going on with my ex.

im not necessarily telling you that shes miserable, in order to make you feel better. im saying sometimes we see what we think we see, even if we dont want to see it, and torture ourselves over it, never really being able to know those things.

How can one miss someone who didn’t seem to care and mistreated them for so long? I just don’t get it...so frustrating

thats probably not what you miss, right?

what do you miss?
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« Reply #25 on: December 10, 2018, 11:55:25 PM »

I think the companionship, the woman I married was not even close to the woman I divorced, it’s  like she was two different people, that’s the crazy part, then sometimes I think back wondering if I had known that she had this condition before hand, could I have been able to convince her that she had it, and if so could we have gotten her help, and if we had got that help what if, I know that’s conjecture but I just thought that she was going to be my life partner, and she’s not and that’s hard to take a guess, cause I was really good to her and I really tried and she didn’t, and yet here I am still trying to process it all improve from it and she’s moved on and upgraded and her mine and has Appears to have no stress or hurt about the past
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« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2018, 12:07:34 AM »

there are a lot of what ifs and regrets when relationships end, especially when it comes to marriage.

i tend to believe that relationships end for a reason...not always good reasons even (although usually those too), and not necessarily because we want them to, either. but that ultimately we can move on to even greater things. what do you think?

it hurts like hell to grieve the loss, but it does get better.

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« Reply #27 on: December 11, 2018, 12:15:20 AM »

Yes your right, just wondering if that something better will happen for me as it has already happened for her.
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« Reply #28 on: December 11, 2018, 12:26:44 AM »

one thing i can tell you is that its not a race.

if she succeeds or fails, it has no bearing on you.

acknowledge your pain and work through it...shes going through it differently.
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« Reply #29 on: December 11, 2018, 09:53:38 AM »

You’re that makes sense, guess my ego is still a bit in shambles. I don’t know her journey, it’s tough cause I still have to have contact with her due to our child and it would be much easier to be able have no contact. I guess I’m still grieving the relationship, I’m hoping that part will go away soon, I don’t think the holidays help. Thanks for the advice.
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