Watching BPD/breakup/etc videos on youtube

[Al Kaseltzer]

Only time has helped me. I had no choice in the matter, she left me. I would say that while time may not heal all wounds, it sure lessens the pain of them.

How much time has passed?  I am feeling all of the same things, its only been a few weeks but time really feels like it is crawling.  I was by no means ready to detach or move on but seeing as how she is already in a new relationship I dont know what else I can do.  I think I will lose my mind if I try to wait it out or stay emotionally invested.

for those who posted about watching BPD/breakup/etc videos on youtube, do you actually find them to be helpful in moving on?  I have spent a lot of the last few weeks watching and listening to these, some specifically towards BPD and some just general breakups and I kind of feel like they might help me feel a little better in the moment, perhaps soothe some of my anxiety but is it a bad idea to keep watching these as maybe it doesnt help to actually take a step forward? just curious what others think.

[Red5]

... .for those who posted about watching BPD/breakup/etc videos on youtube, do you actually find them to be helpful in moving on?  

I have been "binge" watching for several weeks now.

Yes, it helps me to stay grounded, ie' sooth my "cognitive dissonance".

I listen mostly to BPD/npd related stuff, even though my journey started on Christmas Eve of 2016... .there is still much more to learn.

Does it make any different now that uBPDw is gone, .as far as "her", no... .but it is helping to get it straight in my mind just exactly what I was dealing with, to deconstruct the scene of the crash... .I need to understand why this has happened again in my life.

Look at it this way, you can pay a "T" a hundred bones an hour, ."or" you can watch/listen to endless hours of informational videos on youtube.

This is the digital age, .I remember in my first marriage... .stalking around the library looking for certain books to read, that I'd heard about, and to what I thought my (ex)W was going through, which now I understand to be cptsd - severe depression - disassociation behaviors etc' all stemming from severe childhood abuse trauma... .

So here I am doing it again, but now we have the "net"... .so information is readily available... .

Learn all you can, .and then re-learn it again... .understand the facets, and insurmountable limits and thresholds about living in a relationship with a pw/BPD-npd.

Yes, it is helping me right now... .and I do see a "T" now as well... .and I am on "maintenance mode" with him now... .

... .but be sure you don't close yourself off, .get out and spend time with friends, family, .go see a movie, go for a walk on the beach... .go fishing... .this is very important... .you have to start the healing process as zahira says... .work on your inner person.

Knowledge is freedom, and power at the same time... .a lot of us gave up our "power" in these tumultuous relationships... .we got lost in it... .time to get that straightened back out!

This is my .02 cents : )

Take good care of yourself Alka Seltzer,

Red5

[once removed]

for those who posted about watching BPD/breakup/etc videos on youtube, do you actually find them to be helpful in moving on?

it depends... .the internet, youtube not withstanding, is full of junk psychology, urban legends about the disorder, tends to stoke feelings of victimization, and doesnt come with anything in the way of tools to process what youre going through, or how to get a full picture of your experience, which i think is critical going forward once the pain has lessened.

theres some great authoritative information... .you kind of have to go out of your way to identify it. anyone can advertise "authority" or "expertise". we link to all kinds of it in our library: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=28.0;sort=subject

on a personal level, i "needed" my feelings of anger and injustice stoked for a period of time. after that, i mellowed out. i dont think that was so bad. i think that there are better, more constructive ways to work through those feelings, and i feel that most of the stuff i was reading/watching badly misinformed me.

[Al Kaseltzer]

im not sure how much of a difference any of this makes as far as detaching or recovering but... .

one of the things i seem to go back and forth on is, does it ever become non-constructive to place too much emphasis on the BPD aspect and less on it just being a non-compatible relationship that ended.  I feel like there are times when i chalk it up to just a somewhat typical relationship dynamic where my ex's needs werent being met by me and that caused them to look elsewhere.  that happens every day all over the world between two people with no BPD history.  

other times after coming across the realization of what i believe to be undiagnosed BPD, its hard to ever look past it now.  both for the ability to process and move on as well as the hope to re-connect.  i cant imagine the traits/aspects that line up with what happened in the relationship can't just be a coincidence, nor can all of the relatable stories ive come across on here in a brief period of time.  are we ever reaching to call it something when it really wasn't?

[once removed]

one of the things i seem to go back and forth on is, does it ever become non-constructive to place too much emphasis on the BPD aspect

its a valid concern, and i would suggest too much emphasis is non constructive.

and less on it just being a non-compatible relationship that ended.  I feel like there are times when i chalk it up to just a somewhat typical relationship dynamic where my ex's needs werent being met by me and that caused them to look elsewhere.  that happens every day all over the world between two people with no BPD history.

a lot of the time, even where BPD is involved, or the details are extreme, we experienced typical relationship conflict (finances, parenting styles, values clashes, stuff about either person that drove the other crazy) sometimes just all too common even if dysfunctional (infidelity, silent treatment), and in other cases we experienced stuff with a uniquely BPD flavor (cutting, suicide threats, reckless impulsivity).

BPD is a personality style that comes with a set of traits that make for high sensitivity and tendency toward high conflict. i think in detaching, there is a lot of value in better understanding how that played a role. in the latter stages of detaching (Learning board stuff), it helps to separate between the two, and also to examine our own role.

are we ever reaching to call it something when it really wasn't?

we, as a community, struggle. some of that has to do with the intense and loaded bond between two people that came together. some of it has more to do with us and how we cope.

[Red5]

Are we reaching to call it something it wasn't(?)... .that's a great question... .I too struggled with that two years ago... .after all, I was constantly being told that I was a low rent, lazy good for nothing loser husband... .by my uBPDw... .so it must be me right?

So I started to actually believe her... .and to boot, she isn't diagnosed... .albeit she would never darken the door of a therapist office ~ notwithstanding.

My conclusions... .her behaviors were not "normal"... .I mean who stays mad seemingly all the time... .good grief!

To this day, "its all my fault".

I've read a lot about the "Non" thinking that they were indeed the one who is disorder'ed, ie' BPD, or npd... .

This happens after we spend years and years living with our pw/BPD.

That said, I've also read, that the person who questions, and wants to know, and if they are (BPD'ish/npd'ish), then they want to heal themselves... .it read'... ."the most sane people in the world are the ones who wonder if they even are sane (insane)"... .so there you have it.

I do think that we all got a little disorder(ing), and a little of this that and that other in all of us... .

Yes, I spent a lot of time wondering if I "barking up the wrong tree"... .but I don't think I am, eleven years with her, uBPDw... .the history tells the story, for me anyways.

Red5

[Al Kaseltzer]

Yes, I spent a lot of time wondering if I "barking up the wrong tree" ... .but I don't think I am, eleven years with her, uBPDw ... .the history tells the story, for me anyways.

right, and i think its interesting because the history speaks for itself.  label it whatever you want, whatever happened took place and for me its really only putting all of those details together now that it begins to add up.  it was extremely intense good and bad, highs/lows, emotionally painful, unhealthy, etc no matter what anyone did or didn't have.  i guess my point is in trying to help myself detach from it, it may be good to almost train myself to not even look beneath the surface.  there were good times, but the bad stuff was bad no matter what lead to it, and id like to think that will help moving forward. idk.

[Red5]

As for me, I want to learn all I can, so that I don't repeat this, if there ever is another relationship far off down life's path for me... .

And learning why (possibly) things happened the way they did, the utter destructiveness of this relationship, .and why did I not avoid it... .even after having been married previously, and twenty-one friggen years to boot, to another BPD'er... .(without a doubt)... .no, I need to know why, and it is consuming me at the moment.

... .quite a pitfall, quite a conundrum... .am I attracted to these beautiful, but disordered women, are they attracted to me for some reason... .what is it about me, that I "go" for this, .she was absolutely "incredulous" to me?... .I did a whole h3llava lot of "denying"... .ie' it has to be me... .I'm the reason that this marriage is in such straits... .

I've learned so much since the Christmas Eve of 2016... .it staggers my mind... .its almost if I have "xray vision" now, super radar warning recivers... .I can actually pick up on disordered behaviors in others now, both her F'o'O, my own F'o'O, and even complete strangers... .wow, but scary too.

She has driven me quite "nuts"... .I thought I could "save" her, .but I know I cant, I have to just let her go... .

She must be seething with anger towards me now ; (

... .absolutely seething,

But its not my circus anymore... .

Red5

 

 

[Al Kaseltzer]

agreed, i guess my explanation for trying to simplify it would be to not drive myself crazy breaking down every little aspect of what happened, why, what lead to it, why it continued, etc especially if it is over for now.  Its probably too late for that now though.

[Al Kaseltzer]

i will check out the info provided by once removed as well, but any recommendations/links to videos or channels with solid content that is on youtube?

thanks

[Red5]

i will check out the info provided by once removed as well, but any recommendations/links to videos or channels with solid content that is on youtube?

thanks

Evening Alka Seltzer,

I will send you a msg topside, and some links.

Red5

[Red5]

i will check out the info provided by once removed as well, but any recommendations/links to videos or channels with solid content that is on youtube?

thanks

I linked to this one, she is above in the banner... .her name is Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D - LMFT... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8IdSt950HU

Very good information.

Red5

[Skip]

I have spent a lot of the last few weeks watching and listening to these, some specifically towards BPD and some just general breakups and I kind of feel like they might help me feel a little better in the moment, perhaps soothe some of my anxiety but is it a bad idea to keep watching these as maybe it doesnt help to actually take a step forward?

Who are you watching?

[MeandThee29]

Date: 8-2015Minutes: 1:12:11
Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism

I watched the first ten minutes and plan to come back and watch the rest. She seems very solid and stays within the clinical boundaries. I found it interesting that she became interested in BPD/NPD because there were certain families that just never got better.

[empath]

She is very good. I've read her book, Stop Caretaking, and I went through her online course that has some exercises for those of us who are caretakers of pwBPD.

[once removed]

i youtube search "BPD". its mostly good stuff, like 20/30. some personal experiences, some BPD testimonials, some junk psych, but mostly either standard or top notch material.

i youtube search "BPD breakup" and i see a couple of quality/reliable resources in the first 100 results.

there is a market around breakups with someone with BPD. its very targeted stuff, aimed at wounded and vulnerable people. is it all poison? not really (a lot of it yeah). but at best, it will paint a forest around the trees, misinform you, fan the flames of feelings of victimhood/teach you to paint your ex black to cope, equip you with nothing to heal or how to move forward.