What I want in return...

[Depression = 72% of members]

She asks for so much, time and energy and commitments to be there and do things.  One of my issues is that I don't set boundaries well and I definitely don't stick to them enough.  I know that.
Although we have made progress over the last 3 years with her pawning things off on me that she doesn't want to do - this has gotten much much better - my first reaction to that behaviour from her has always been anger.

Ultimately, I give in a lot.  Then I feel resentful because I don't get enough 'me' time, or adult down time away from the kids or from entertaining her friends.  My reaction isn't good, I know, I let it build and then I get angry that I can't have time alone with her.  

She is away right now, on holiday with her friend.  I wasn't included, which is okay, because I think it's healthy for us to actually have time apart and because we fight so much.  But I can't even imagine a world where I would be allowed to do the same - to go away without her.  
So... .she is back on Tuesday night and asked me to carve time out of work on Wednesday (I work from home) so we can spend it together.  I was so pleased!  So I rebooked some meetings and made time.  I then saw an email from our shared email saying she committed to volunteering at the school on Wednesday.  This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I'M the one with BPD, or neediness issues!  She wants me to book time for her, but then the moment anyone else wants her there, she drops me and doesn't even mention it.  I do believe she forgot, because she often does -

So - I asked her for the time.  I said, you asked me to block off work time for us, so can we spend that time together?  I asked her to prioritize us on Wednesday but she said she'd like to try to do both, and she'll let me know.  In any other relationship this would have been fine - but she asks me to make time for her and then goes off and does something else the minute she gets another offer...

But why can't she prioritize me the way she asks me to prioritize her?  It makes me feel unloved.  I don't know what to do with it.
I know she jumps when someone else reaches out to her, and I know she needs that attention and wants to be at the school.  How do I prevent this from making  me feel like a doormat?

[Omega1]

She asks for so much, time and energy and commitments to be there and do things.  One of my issues is that I don't set boundaries well and I definitely don't stick to them enough.  I know that.
Although we have made progress over the last 3 years with her pawning things off on me that she doesn't want to do - this has gotten much much better - my first reaction to that behaviour from her has always been anger.

Ultimately, I give in a lot.  Then I feel resentful because I don't get enough 'me' time, or adult down time away from the kids or from entertaining her friends.  My reaction isn't good, I know, I let it build and then I get angry that I can't have time alone with her.  

She is away right now, on holiday with her friend.  I wasn't included, which is okay, because I think it's healthy for us to actually have time apart and because we fight so much.  But I can't even imagine a world where I would be allowed to do the same - to go away without her.  
So... .she is back on Tuesday night and asked me to carve time out of work on Wednesday (I work from home) so we can spend it together.  I was so pleased!  So I rebooked some meetings and made time.  I then saw an email from our shared email saying she committed to volunteering at the school on Wednesday.  This is the kind of thing that makes me feel like I'M the one with BPD, or neediness issues!  She wants me to book time for her, but then the moment anyone else wants her there, she drops me and doesn't even mention it.  I do believe she forgot, because she often does -

So - I asked her for the time.  I said, you asked me to block off work time for us, so can we spend that time together?  I asked her to prioritize us on Wednesday but she said she'd like to try to do both, and she'll let me know.  In any other relationship this would have been fine - but she asks me to make time for her and then goes off and does something else the minute she gets another offer...

But why can't she prioritize me the way she asks me to prioritize her?  It makes me feel unloved.  I don't know what to do with it.
I know she jumps when someone else reaches out to her, and I know she needs that attention and wants to be at the school.  How do I prevent this from making  me feel like a doormat?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Hi Omega1:

This is a hard situation you're having. Taking time for yourself is important, specially since she's taking time out herself with a friend I get why you feel this is unfair.

I asked her to prioritize us on Wednesday but she said she'd like to try to do both, and she'll let me know.  In any other relationship this would have been fine - but she asks me to make time for her and then goes off and does something else the minute she gets another offer...

I think your approach is correct. You made plans, you both agreed to it, something unexpected happened.

In particular the memory thing strikes me as relevant. people with BPD are impulsive, sometimes without recollection of why or even what they did; something about a part of the brain called the amygdala being affected. I'm no doctor so don't take my word for it, though it seems your wife fits the description.

I wasn't included, which is okay, because I think it's healthy for us to actually have time apart and because we fight so much

How are the fights usually like?

[Omega1]

In particular the memory thing strikes me as relevant. people with BPD are impulsive, sometimes without recollection of why or even what they did; something about a part of the brain called the amygdala being affected. I'm no doctor so don't take my word for it, though it seems your wife fits the description.

I hadn't heard this before, but it happens with some frequency, and the impulsivity is very real.  It's part of what I love about her, but in these situations it's upsetting.
She has still not checked on the time for Wednesday, she said let's play it by ear, see if she has time - after she ASKED me to book time off work. 
The issue is that I don't set boundaries - the work topic is so HUGE for her, she has to feel she's more important than work so I try hard to give her that.  In return, she has booked other things.

I often say it's like she wants to be invited to the party, but she doesn't want to come!  She wanted me to book off work to spend time with her, but ultimately doesn't want any 'pressure' when other things come up.  She said, can't we play it by ear - but I already booked 3 hours off work.

So here's what I said - "It's not okay to ask me for time and then disregard me and the time I booked.  I'm not angry,just saying what feels okay for me and what doesn't.  It doesn't feel okay to book off the time and then be pushed aside.  My time is just as important as yours"

Thoughts?  It basically ended there and no fight, so that's good.
But she will do this again - maybe next time I don't book off work when she asks?