Please help me tonight... I'm alone..sad... and don't know what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

Please help me. I'm struggling tonight. I feel alone.  My uBPD g/f wanted me to give me some feedback so she could understand when she gets angry.  This followed a session both of us were in with a therapist (not a couples therapy session)-1 time session about creating some ideas for how we can make sure to have a nice vacation b/c we are going away to another country for a few weeks.  What happened tonight is I reluctantly said a few things after being triggered b/c I really wanted  to help and unfortunately believed that she was genuinely wanting to understand/become self-aware.

Background: The session earlier this week was great. The therapist had us talking about conflict.  I found myself sharing that i get anxious about potential conflict with her. The therapist asked me to describe my experience of conflict with her. I mentioned the cursing, yelling, extreme rage. The discussikn was helpful in sharing my experience. My g/f took sometime to understand that i wasnt talking about cursing in general but rather her cursing was directed at me. My therapist asked me to elaborate about my experience of conflict with her specifically what makes me anxious about the conflict the most. I said that itcan go on for extended days - that i was talking about the extreme anger.  My g/f felt remorse but only remembers 1 incident when she was so angry she woke her kids up. And she said she never wants to do that again.  Since the session, she wants to know more and is very worried. She is trying to undertand how often this rage happens and what she says (is it just cursing or cursing directed towards me) or if it was just a few times.

The problem is it makes me sad. We were  in a good place until right she asked me about this. I didn't want to go back into the details of conflict and I'm really busy right now with work and other things, which she knows.  If I didn't answer her questions soon, she was making it worse (e.g., someone remembers when they say something bad is her take on it- and if I can't easily remember, then it couldn't have happened and must be my sensitivity and not used to being around people who curse). After checking my journal, I realized the pattern was monthly - not just 1 hour once a month, but rather the conflict could go over several days with no idea when her being upset/sad will end.  Many times it is over something that doesn't match up with the facts of the situation, which I now understand/accept is the reality - that our perceptions of reality may not match and that has to be okay and valid. 

But this topic - about her anger is a bad topic - because of her past and her parents. she doesn't want to be like them- the abuse. IN the session, she immediatley started trying to understand the line between abuse and just cursing.  I didn't use the word abuse- I talked about the state of rage- extreme rage.  I shared with her that she woudl say fxxx, fxxx, fxxx  and it was directed towards me. She only really remembers the recent xtreme anger time - and the things she said- it was awful so hurtful. 

Tonight, she started to talk like it wasn't a priority for me to give her the information she asked for help - to explain these situations-and the # of times. How often? So, I mentioned about once/month, but I don't have the details. She pushed and pushed. and I mentioned that this is hard b/c I feel like she is attacking me and i told her that it must feel sad - hard to hear these things.  I said that it's hard to be attacked for my experience - and for giving her the information that she had asked for.  I hadn't written all the details of everything she said each time she said it  in my journal.  The entries use words like "another day... another fit of verbal abuse and mean things from her... Fxxx this... fxxx. you... fxxx that... " etc.  I shared with her tonight the words she uses - that's what she need to know - the words - she was determining what was okay and what wasn't ... .i guess.

At point, she told me not to make this emotional (i said this is making me sad). she said that i didn't have to relive it- i just needed to tell her this - the words, the incidents, the times.   At some point i told her the words are "Fxxx you... ." "Mother Fxxker" "Bixxx".    So, she said, "okay so ... .once/month" and basically multiplied the recent months - I had said since May... .  she says it's part of her culture to curse.   She hung up the phone. I went back and listened to some recordings I had made of 2 conversations for the "exact words etc... "- almost like I had to reverify for myself that these things had been said... .and they had. She doesn't know about the recordings.  I guess initally i recorded the 1st one b/c I thought she wouldn't believe me. The 2nd one I recorded so I could play for my therapist so I could understand what it was that was happening and try to learn how to respond.  In my session with my therapist earlier today (before all this happened) said that i should just say "it was about once/month" and that's all I remember."  After listening to the recordings, I realize that she may be testing me-- she wants to know  or needs to know that I have not abandoned her so I called her and left her a message saying I loved her and I hope she is okay. I didn't apologize for what i said. I didn't reference anything. Anyways, apparently she had text'd me sometime after hanging up the phone that she was upset and that she cannot accept what i said to be true. she said she takes responsiblity for the recent xtreme rage but is now saying that there is a bigger issue that concerns herself.   she says that it sounded like I was pretty sure of myself. she said that i was making false accusations and she cannot accept them.

Can you help me with these questions:
-What am I supposed to do now? Tonight?  I am so emotionally exhausted.  I can't have this go on.
-What do I say tomorrow?   Tomorrow I have to work and she knows that. she told me before the hang-up tonight that she wasn't having a good day and that she needs time to herself tomorrow so I said okay. That's when I guess i made the mistake of being sucked into her manipulation - she said things that she wasn't a priority b/c I wasn't answering hte question about the # of times/ and the words used.  That's a trigger for me. most xtreme rages are around some perception of something that happens in which she interprets that she's not a priority. 
-How do i respond when she taunts me with the "I'm not a priority... You're busy... .as usual"
-further down the line, what do I do about our trip? We leave in a few weeks?
-Tomorrow there is a good chance she will wake up rested like there's nothing wrong. And I'm sick of it.  I feel hurt- and there's nothing I can do with this.   She asked me for information to help her "become more self-aware". I guess i hsould have said- "I'm sorry that I don't have the details you are looking for.  Let's focus on moving forward and maybe we both can be self-aware of how we are acting" - then, when I say anything like that... .she tells me not to analyze and not to be a therapist, which by the way- I'm not and never have said I could be... God, I don't know how therapists do their work? My hats off to them.

Right now, I feel like I am reliving it.  I'm shaking. I'm sad.  I feel like I can't call my friends and tell them b/c we have been here before. I feel like I can't call my therapist either b/c she thinks that i should end it.  My g/f and I are on a waiting list for a couples therapist but that's probably not to february or march.    My therapist also wants me to get to the point where I am not in my g/f's head - I spend too much time she things trying to navigate my g/f - and i should focus on me.  But I'm confused b/c it seems like everything on these boards seem to indicate that we have to navigate their emotions constantly - predict their triggers etc...   But I can't take being called a liar- IShe doesn't want to be like her parents and she knows that her actions/words I guess must be like her parents so that scares her. But I"m "her accuser" ... "accusing her of abuse"... .and tonight... in her words "falsely"

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Please help me. I'm struggling tonight. I feel alone.  My uBPD g/f wanted me to give me some feedback so she could understand when she gets angry.  This followed a session both of us were in with a therapist (not a couples therapy session)-1 time session about creating some ideas for how we can make sure to have a nice vacation b/c we are going away to another country for a few weeks.  What happened tonight is I reluctantly said a few things after being triggered b/c I really wanted  to help and unfortunately believed that she was genuinely wanting to understand/become self-aware.

Background: The session earlier this week was great. The therapist had us talking about conflict.  I found myself sharing that i get anxious about potential conflict with her. The therapist asked me to describe my experience of conflict with her. I mentioned the cursing, yelling, extreme rage. The discussikn was helpful in sharing my experience. My g/f took sometime to understand that i wasnt talking about cursing in general but rather her cursing was directed at me. My therapist asked me to elaborate about my experience of conflict with her specifically what makes me anxious about the conflict the most. I said that itcan go on for extended days - that i was talking about the extreme anger.  My g/f felt remorse but only remembers 1 incident when she was so angry she woke her kids up. And she said she never wants to do that again.  Since the session, she wants to know more and is very worried. She is trying to undertand how often this rage happens and what she says (is it just cursing or cursing directed towards me) or if it was just a few times.

The problem is it makes me sad. We were  in a good place until right she asked me about this. I didn't want to go back into the details of conflict and I'm really busy right now with work and other things, which she knows.  If I didn't answer her questions soon, she was making it worse (e.g., someone remembers when they say something bad is her take on it- and if I can't easily remember, then it couldn't have happened and must be my sensitivity and not used to being around people who curse). After checking my journal, I realized the pattern was monthly - not just 1 hour once a month, but rather the conflict could go over several days with no idea when her being upset/sad will end.  Many times it is over something that doesn't match up with the facts of the situation, which I now understand/accept is the reality - that our perceptions of reality may not match and that has to be okay and valid. 

But this topic - about her anger is a bad topic - because of her past and her parents. she doesn't want to be like them- the abuse. IN the session, she immediatley started trying to understand the line between abuse and just cursing.  I didn't use the word abuse- I talked about the state of rage- extreme rage.  I shared with her that she woudl say fxxx, fxxx, fxxx  and it was directed towards me. She only really remembers the recent xtreme anger time - and the things she said- it was awful so hurtful. 

Tonight, she started to talk like it wasn't a priority for me to give her the information she asked for help - to explain these situations-and the # of times. How often? So, I mentioned about once/month, but I don't have the details. She pushed and pushed. and I mentioned that this is hard b/c I feel like she is attacking me and i told her that it must feel sad - hard to hear these things.  I said that it's hard to be attacked for my experience - and for giving her the information that she had asked for.  I hadn't written all the details of everything she said each time she said it  in my journal.  The entries use words like "another day... another fit of verbal abuse and mean things from her... Fxxx this... fxxx. you... fxxx that... " etc.  I shared with her tonight the words she uses - that's what she need to know - the words - she was determining what was okay and what wasn't ... .i guess.

At point, she told me not to make this emotional (i said this is making me sad). she said that i didn't have to relive it- i just needed to tell her this - the words, the incidents, the times.   At some point i told her the words are "Fxxx you... ." "Mother Fxxker" "Bixxx".    So, she said, "okay so ... .once/month" and basically multiplied the recent months - I had said since May... .  she says it's part of her culture to curse.   She hung up the phone. I went back and listened to some recordings I had made of 2 conversations for the "exact words etc... "- almost like I had to reverify for myself that these things had been said... .and they had. She doesn't know about the recordings.  I guess initally i recorded the 1st one b/c I thought she wouldn't believe me. The 2nd one I recorded so I could play for my therapist so I could understand what it was that was happening and try to learn how to respond.  In my session with my therapist earlier today (before all this happened) said that i should just say "it was about once/month" and that's all I remember."  After listening to the recordings, I realize that she may be testing me-- she wants to know  or needs to know that I have not abandoned her so I called her and left her a message saying I loved her and I hope she is okay. I didn't apologize for what i said. I didn't reference anything. Anyways, apparently she had text'd me sometime after hanging up the phone that she was upset and that she cannot accept what i said to be true. she said she takes responsiblity for the recent xtreme rage but is now saying that there is a bigger issue that concerns herself.   she says that it sounded like I was pretty sure of myself. she said that i was making false accusations and she cannot accept them.

Can you help me with these questions:
-What am I supposed to do now? Tonight?  I am so emotionally exhausted.  I can't have this go on.
-What do I say tomorrow?   Tomorrow I have to work and she knows that. she told me before the hang-up tonight that she wasn't having a good day and that she needs time to herself tomorrow so I said okay. That's when I guess i made the mistake of being sucked into her manipulation - she said things that she wasn't a priority b/c I wasn't answering hte question about the # of times/ and the words used.  That's a trigger for me. most xtreme rages are around some perception of something that happens in which she interprets that she's not a priority. 
-How do i respond when she taunts me with the "I'm not a priority... You're busy... .as usual"
-further down the line, what do I do about our trip? We leave in a few weeks?
-Tomorrow there is a good chance she will wake up rested like there's nothing wrong. And I'm sick of it.  I feel hurt- and there's nothing I can do with this.   She asked me for information to help her "become more self-aware". I guess i hsould have said- "I'm sorry that I don't have the details you are looking for.  Let's focus on moving forward and maybe we both can be self-aware of how we are acting" - then, when I say anything like that... .she tells me not to analyze and not to be a therapist, which by the way- I'm not and never have said I could be... God, I don't know how therapists do their work? My hats off to them.

Right now, I feel like I am reliving it.  I'm shaking. I'm sad.  I feel like I can't call my friends and tell them b/c we have been here before. I feel like I can't call my therapist either b/c she thinks that i should end it.  My g/f and I are on a waiting list for a couples therapist but that's probably not to february or march.    My therapist also wants me to get to the point where I am not in my g/f's head - I spend too much time she things trying to navigate my g/f - and i should focus on me.  But I'm confused b/c it seems like everything on these boards seem to indicate that we have to navigate their emotions constantly - predict their triggers etc...   But I can't take being called a liar- IShe doesn't want to be like her parents and she knows that her actions/words I guess must be like her parents so that scares her. But I"m "her accuser" ... "accusing her of abuse"... .and tonight... in her words "falsely"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itsmeSnap]

Thats a difficult situation, just here to let you know someone's listening.

I cannot tell you what to do or what to make of it, it seems she is on the path to healing but she's also struggling. She's making an effort, but she's not there yet, make sure you understand that.

I suggest you use a "codeword" you both agree on, sort of like a "hey, the situation is escalating and I'm letting you know", all wrapped up in one word.

I know its odd to reference a movie here but in the " meet the fockers", the bride's parents use the word "muskrat" when the grampa (played by robert deniro) is giving the groom a hard time.

Sort of like that but that you both agree on, ideally she will suggest the particular word/gesture to use so she's not feeling like you are pressuring her into it, if she suggests it its far more likely she's on board and willing to follow through.

Run it through your therapist to know what they think, trust his expert opinion, I'm just a person trying to help.

Hope you're good tonight, keep posting to let us know how you're doing and how things went.

Stay strong.

[Bnonymous]

Hi lifeinthefastlane,

This is very difficult. You know that you have remembered correctly and you even have your journal and the recordings to back up your recollections to yourself. Yet your girlfriend is absolutely adamant that most of these things didn't happen and seems to be angry that you're saying they did.

No one likes being called a liar or having their perceptions questioned. Both of you feel like the other one is doing that to them. Here, you are right - you can prove to yourself that you are right (and that will probably help to keep you grounded and stop you from doubting your perceptions). But... .She feels exactly as you do. The chances are that she genuinely doesn't remember saying those things (she may have been dissociating), so she feels as though her perceptions and honesty are being questioned.

The injustice of this must be very painful and frustrating for you. It must be extremely tempting to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). But this wouldn't help. The more evidence you presented that your recollections are correct, the more she would feel invalidated and under attack (this would absolutely not be your fault, but it wouldn't help the two of you break free from the circular arguments).

You know your truths and that's the most important thing - you are unlikely to persuade her of them.

In this case, there is a way to talk about the issues without having to get her to admit to what happened before - she remembers and admits to the most recent time. It sounds as though what happened on the most recent occasion is representative of the pattern - is that right? If so, you can use that to discuss your feelings and boundaries around being cussed at - getting into an argument with her over whether or not it was the only time isn't necessary and you'll have a better chance of moving things forward if you let that go.

That said, I really do understand the frustration and anger and hurt that such injustices can trigger. I know it's hard to let go of those feelings and not take it personally - it feels extremely personal when someone is insisting that your perceptions and memories are wrong. Letting it go and not taking it personally won't right the injustice (chances are, nothing could), but they will help you to move forward together and free you from some of the painful emotions her behaviour triggers - that's a win of a different (and more valuable) sort.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thank you  @Bnonymous  and  @itsmeSnap for your replies.  I appreciate how you explained what to do and also how you reflected what I was feeling in your post. I'm struggling with the words to do this well with my g/f.  I like how you put it that we both are feeling like the other is calling one another a liar or using "false accusations".  I also am going to remind myself that i do have the recordings when I feel my heart start beating faster and I am getting anxious - to keep my grounded.  It is very painful like you said - b/c i can't help but remember the past times when she would interpret something i was saying as not true and then blame me- she then often says "I expect an apology" and she never drops it.  I've tried saying. "I'm sorry that this is difficult" etc... .but she pushes me b/c she wants me to say "I'm sorry about what I said- it's not true." and the truth is, I can't do that b/c it is true. 

Thank you for the suggestion about JADE.  I'm really trying not to JADE this time - I think I've done well with that this morning. This morning I realized that (a) if I don't respond to her text (in which she said she was feeling upset about the false accusations i am making), then she will get angry about me ignoring her/not paying attention/not knowing after a couple of years that I should know by now that she needs a response; (b) that if I do respond by text and engage, it will escalate- and further we agreed not to engage by text to talk about a conflict; (c) this is a no win situation b/c my experience is my experience; (d) that these patterns are very much emotionally wearing me down to the point that I'm losing myself- it is the holidays and here we are again with me listening to lectures about things I say that are wrong - when they are simply my experience (she did this right before Thanksgiving too); (e) we have this trip abroad coming up and I fear we should cancel the trip - but then that will give her something to attack me with - I think she perceives something like that as me "making threats" about our relationship.; (f) threats for her are any time I establish boundaries about what works for me in relationship and what doesn't or what I need  etc... .; (g) I feel very silenced in this relationship and it's getting worse- these "communication disagreements" - i don't know what to call them - are becoming more frequent. My past is such that my father silenced me a lot. I know if I tell her that her beahvior reminds me of my father, that will send her through the roof. But it's true- she is doing the same. She waits for me and pushes me to say specific words in a specific manner, my father did that too.  The tension will not go away until I do. The other problem is - what about my needs in the relationship? When/how do we talk about my needs? Whenever I do, she accuses me of making things about her? So, how do I bring up my needs - and my feelings about them not being met - without it triggering an explosion? For example, when things are going well, I feel relieved - and want to use that time to regroup, so I don't know how or think that's a good time to bring up a bad thing - in her mind.  Then these times remind me that my needs don't matter.

What I did. So, this morning, I didn't text back.  I called and had a positive tone in my voice- "Just wanted to call and say hi- and see how you were doing today- hope you have a nice day etc... " we are not supposed to see each other today (I have a work thing and then when I said I could come by later tonight, yesterday she said she needed some time).  When she picked up the phone, she said "yes?" like I was supposed to say something in response to her text.  I said "Hi- wanted to call and say hi and see what you all were up to today... " etc... Then she said "i sent you a text last night and you haven't responded". "I said I didn't respond b/c we agreed not to engage by text.  I'm sure though that you must feel upset".  She said "it's good that you didn't respond by text".  (I'm not sure she really meant it, but she knew that's what we agreed and was okay with that).  I said "It must feel upsetting to hear those things."  She said yes, it is.  Her daughter was saying something in the background- so I tried to distract from the conversation - I could feel she was waiting to jump on something.  Anyways, she waited - i think she wanted me to say more. I couldn't say anything and I didn't want to ask a question about her feelings or anything b/c in the past, she then gets triggered into an opening to go all out and it hurts.  At some point she then brought up our trip, we still ahve to book our hotel. She had wanted us to do this together.  And i had asked that we work with a travel person - b/c it is in another country- I didn't want to risk that we book something and get to the country - in which neither of us speak the language- and have a problem. So, we can do it this way for free. Last week we met together with this agent, who was wonderful. And my g/f has consistently said she wants us to do this together.  So, we have been. the agent emailed both of us many hotel options. Of course, my g/f didn't like them and wanted us to get something off a travel site on the internet.  We can book that place via the agent too. but there are issues b/c she wants to go cheap cheap cheap (she has done this before and we wound up in a bad/unsafe hotel once) so I don't want to do that, nor do we have to. I have said that I can pay the extra (which is stilll very reasonable, but she is making this hotel thing a test of some kind - and the point is that I can't do this again - to agree to her places - and put my needs aside- this is a very long trip - in a new destination for both of us- and we have never done this before).  She told me on the phone this morning "Just pick a place. I want to wrap this up" ... .Basically, now she is saying do whatever I want--  I had just said the other day that I would go with her place - for part of the time and we can book it thru the agent. But here's the test-- she was very ADAMANT that we do all this together- this was supposed to be a couple trip- romantic- completely her choice of destination- and everything.  And now- she's in her phase- I don't know what you call it- when the personality changes- and anything can trigger.  it usually happens once/month around this time- but can go on for a week. So I said, "well you said you wanted tonight to yourself and you needed time" so about we do it tomorrow "and make it positive experience as that was what you originally wanted was for us to do it together".  Right now, my goal is not to give up my needs on this trip - I do it alot in relationships - and this has to be a compromise.  The truth is... I don't want to go.  I feel used/abused and a punching bag. Each time she acts in her rage (which I fear could come- though the great most positive thing of all this - is that now she has been made aware of her language/verbal abuse so if she does it again, she knows. That in itself may limit some of it).  But the problem is now I think she is trying to find another topic to fight about- something she can project her rage (from the topic of her verbal abuse) on - and i fear it will be the hotel decision.


So now I'm worried about what to do next . What do I do when she:
- pushes me for an apology about what I said? (specifically when last night I gave her a few examples of things she said in the past since she asked me for examples).  And if I say "I'm sorry this is difficult". She then gets angrier saying that I need to stop analyzing. So what do I say to stop the escalation?

-twists the verbal abuse topic discussion into the hotel discussion or vice-versa? She then makes passive aggressive comments about the verbal abuse?  Do I have the hotel conversation by phone or in-person? I think she is testing me again - (last month she did a big test- and it was so abusive that I said I cannot go over to her place - but she thought I was supposed to anyway so she could yell at me in person). The problem is the time is ticking and we leave in 3 weeks without a place to stay right now. Not good when you are going abroad.

- @itsmeSnap  I like your idea about the code word. Now I'm worried it's a trigger. When we were with the therapist this week, the therapist suggested it- so my g/f came up with "this reminds me of when we were with [name of therapist]" But ... .the therapist is my therapist- and i fear she will twist that around... .the name of my therapist can be a trigger, so I shouldn't have agreed to that code word, but I did.  I'm trying not to take it personally, but how do I reconcile that my needs are not being met in this relationship. I can't function anymore.

- I don't want to talk about the abusive examples anymore with her. I just don't . You are right. there's one example she remembers- and that should be enough. So, is there a standard reply I can use when she pushes me for examples.  I wish I could say "go see your therapist", but of course, I can't.

Thank you for all your help - insight- right now, it's helping me more than you know.

[Bnonymous]

Hi lifeinthefastlane,

Firstly, regarding the hotel. Stick firmly to your decision about only booking through an agent. It's clearly something you feel very strongly about as something you need to do for yourself to give you a sense of security and reduce your overall anxiety about a trip is that is anxiety-provoking to you for several reasons. It's good that you're self-aware about this and that you realise it's something you can't emotionally afford to back down on. If her only issue with this is the additional cost and you have said that you will cover that, then you're being fair to both of you.

You did the travel agent trip together and that was really positive. Am I correct in thinking that you really don't have a strong preference about which hotel, so long as it's booked through the agent? If so, and if, as you say, the hotel she liked on the internet can also be booked through the agent, then why not go with that one? Why not approach it saying something like "you know, I was looking at the website for that hotel you liked, and I think it looks great. I like how it [pick a positive quality or two about the place to insert here]. Shall we go with that one?"

That's If you are still willing to go. You said in your post that you don't want to now. I understand all the worries that are making you reluctant. Are there any factors weighing in on the positive side? Are there reasons you do want to go?

What I did. So, this morning, I didn't text back.  I called and had a positive tone in my voice- "Just wanted to call and say hi- and see how you were doing today- hope you have a nice day etc... " we are not supposed to see each other today (I have a work thing and then when I said I could come by later tonight, yesterday she said she needed some time).  When she picked up the phone, she said "yes?" like I was supposed to say something in response to her text.  I said "Hi- wanted to call and say hi and see what you all were up to today... " etc... Then she said "i sent you a text last night and you haven't responded". "I said I didn't respond b/c we agreed not to engage by text.  I'm sure though that you must feel upset".  She said "it's good that you didn't respond by text".  (I'm not sure she really meant it, but she knew that's what we agreed and was okay with that).  I said "It must feel upsetting to hear those things."  She said yes, it is.   

Sounds like you handled that really well! 

- I don't want to talk about the abusive examples anymore with her. I just don't . You are right. there's one example she remembers- and that should be enough. So, is there a standard reply I can use when she pushes me for examples.  I wish I could say "go see your therapist", but of course, I can't.

She is putting you in a bit of a double bind type situation where there's no right answer for her - if you don't give her examples when she asks, she gets upset/angry, if you do give her examples when she asks, she gets upset/angry. You probably won't be able to please her whatever you do here. So focus on responding in ways that make you feel less powerless in the situation.

You said the session you had together with the therapist was great. Are you planning more of these? If so, maybe you could say that you want to limit these conversations to during therapy sessions? That way, you can't be accused of shutting her down or refusing to talk things over etc, but you will know there is a limit to how much of your time and emotional energy these discussions can take up and that you will have the presence of an impartial professional to mediate and keep things on track - this might help make the subject less intimidating and overwhelming. What do you think?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Bnonymous-I took your advice and stuck to the idea of using the travel agent and compromised on her choice of one hotel. The others we picked together.

Yes i do want to go but lately its for me. The country we qre visiting is supposed to have great beaches and can be very spiritual(not religious) . I need a trip for myself to rejuvenate after a hard year . My dad died a year and a half ago and i was placed in charge of his estate. -there was a court case too surrounding a social services person—she got away with stealing with my dad in the end. I e also been under a very stressful job promotion review that has been intense for a oong time as admjn to dads estate-i had no real choice. My brothers didnt qualify and my dads estate was a mess. He was in debt $80k or so... my younger bro became very verbally abusive since his death. At this point he had made lufe very difficult.

Today i need emotional support from my g/f. Yesterday i had a huge breakdown with work stuff and i called her. She listened  and said things but i didnt FEEL she was realky getting it. She didnt call me last night to check on me (we had spoken at 3pm).  Today she talked alot about her day and was hapoy... .she did answer my calls today and all seemed okay... the only ghing is she didnt ask me how i was from yesterday... and i was crying hysterically. Today when we were talking -at one point her other line rang, she told me to hold-when she came back on, there was another person from a place where she wanted to have her daughters bday party. Suddenly i was part of this planning conversation... and i didnt know anything about the call. Today i just dont feel like a priority...   is it a normal recation for me to feel hurt and alone?

[Yellowpearl]

It's completely a normal reaction to feel the way we do. Often times those with BPD can overlook when we need emotional support. It indeed would have been so thoughtful if she would have checked up on you last night and i'm sorry that she didn't actively listen to your work stuff. You sure called for a reason and your needs certainly matter too!

I know so many times I wasn't asked by my pwBPD how I was despite how obvious it was to me how much I was struggling and it was very hurtful to me. What would happen was he'd have delayed processing. For that week it was all about him, or he was too wrapped up in his own emotions regardless of where I was at, so nothing i'd say was getting through but i'd still say I was feeling down or whatever and he wouldn't pick up on it in that moment. But maybe a week or few weeks later, he'd bring it back up... .and be like "so has work gotten any better? you mentioned your boss was so rude to you. what happened?" Believe it or not, this kind of thing happened many, many times. Do you think your stuff may hit her later being a possibility in how she handles things?

The following may be helpful:
1) Good to keep in mind: pwBPD are limited in her capabilities in providing emotional support, doesn't mean they don't care. It can just be helpful to know this
2) Go to grounded friends/family for support if you can; Just having a support group, such as even posting on here, is very important in a BPD relationship because it's often that all emotional needs can't be met by the BPD or they aren't often emotionally mature enough, especially as it sounds she has been swinging back and forth with her own moods
3) Telling her directly what kind of support you need. "Hey, I'd really appreciate it if you call and check up on me, I'm having a such a terrible time here" "Hey would you mind doing xyz for me" or just telling her you just would like her to listen. She may not be used to doing these things on her own but if you direct her in the kind of support you are seeking, it may help her do better next time

What do you think?