Marriage counseling

[blue13]

I have been in counseling on my own and through that, my counselor suspects that my significant other may be suffering from BPD.  I have finally gotten my significant other to agree to marriage counseling but now I am scared about being honest there.  I know it should be a safe place but my s.o. and the new counselor don't know of my concerns and that doesn't seem like it should come from me if that makes any sense at all.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zakade]

Welcome blue13,

We have plenty of people here that can answer most questions that you may have regarding BPD.  I hope that you can find comfort here among the other struggling with similar concerns.  I just posted my experience with "convincing" my wife about BPD.  It didn't go well.  And I'm regretting it a little more each day.  You can take a look at it here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332152.0

You should probably engage with the counselor and explain your concerns before your first session.  If you can't, then keep the first session light.  Just listen a lot more than you talk.  Try to keep your talking to only when you are addressed.

Has your SO done any counseling on their own?

Zakade

[once removed]

hi blue13, and

it may not seem intuitive, but its a good strategy when you first get into couples counseling, to check getting everything out, and instead do a lot of listening.

couples counseling can do a marriage a world of good, or it can do it a world of bad. it goes badly when one or both parties enters with an agenda to fix the other partner or bring the counselor to their side. your wife may do this, but an experienced counselor anticipates this (they are used to it) and can work with it. if you do the same thing, theres a high likelihood that things will just explode.

how long have the two of you been together?

[Bnonymous]

Hi blue13,

Let me join Zakade and Once Removed in welcoming you to the boards. 

I would guess that, if your counselor picked up on BPD traits in your SO, your joint counselor will probably pick up on these too without your needing to tell them. I think you're right that it would be better if it didn't come directly from you, so see how things go and give your couples counselor a chance to gauge what's going on in your relationship first. You may find that it becomes redundant to say anything, either because your couples' counselor picks up on it by themselves or because the traits and issues get addressed without the need for the label.

Maybe see how it goes for a while and rethink whether you might need to raise the BPD after a few sessions. What do you think?

[Bnonymous]

(Doh, that should have said "whether you might need to raise the BPD possibility" - I missed a word out!)